155
University of California Berkeley
MVT
OF THE
S PICAYUNE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY PARLEY
PHILADELPHIA,
J.PETERSON &BRQ
I shave you oiie time You say you pay I say vera good.' ? (He shrugs the
shoulders.) Page 172.
PICKINGS
FROM THE
PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER
OF THE
NEW ORLEANS " PICAYUNE."
'Charley, old feller," said Jim, " I's not what 1 used to was I ain't myself I
ain't nobody I ain't nothing I wish I was ! I have wound up my
affaiz-s, and am in a state of liquwr-dation." Page 9.
PHILADELPHIA:
T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
PICKINGS
THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER
NEW ORLEANS "PICAYUNE:
COMPRISING SKETCHES OP
THE EASTERN YANKEE,
THE WESTERN HOOSIER,
THE QUAINT COCKNET,
THE DROLL IRISHMAN,
THE PATIENT HOLLANDER,
THE VOLATILE FRENCHMAN,
THE SELF-SUFFICIENT EXQUISITE.
THE HENPECKED HUSBAND,
THE JOLLY TAR,
THE ECCENTRIC AFRICAN,
AND SUCH OTHERS AS MAKE UP
Sorietg in tlje rmt Metropolis of tl)e 0ontl)
WITH
ORIGINAL DESIGNS,
BY FELIX O. C. P^R,LEY.
$ Ij i I a b e I p I) i a :
T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS, 306 CHESTNUT STREET.
Ente.tr 1 *TX>rding to Act of Congress, in the year 1846, ty
CAREY & HART,
ID the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States in and for th
Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
"-OL1IKS, PRIIfTKE,
JOSEPH C. NEAL, ESQ.
SIR Without the privilege of your personal acquaintance, I
take the liberty to dedicate to you the accompanying volume of
sketches.
If in them I have succeeded in holding the mirroi^ up to nature,"
than you there is none more capable of discerning the truth and PC-
curacy of the reflection. I shall cheerfully submit their defects to the
impartial criticism of one so competent to judge of their merits as you
we.
Your obedient servant,
The Author,
D. CORCORAN.
730794
CONTENTS.
Page
Jim Joyce, who tried to be a Temperance Man, but couldn't
come it ! 9
An Artist in Trouble 10
"Irish Evenings" 13
A Veteran of the Imperial Army 16
Artificial Flowers and the Flowers of Poesy 18
National Rivalry 20
The Last Card 23
A Double Shave Bill Brown vs. Augustus Jones 25
An Absconding Partner 27
Tom Trotter in Trouble 29
Kissing A New Year's Custom 31
The Wandering Minstrel 33
A Mrs. Caudle in Court 35
The Shaksperian Boot-Black 37
Towers in Trouble 39
Laying Ghosts and raising Spirits 41
A Scientific Subject 44
A Sketch " Ower True," having a Hoosier for its Hero 46
Lap Dogs and Lobelia 50
A Breach of Promise 53
A Fight about the Fashions 55
Turkey and Grease, or domestic economy exemplified in the
preparation of Gombo 56
An Enthusiastic Phrenologist 58
6 CONTENTS.
On a Jolly Spree 61
The School Master Abroad 63
A Scotch Melodist 65
An Irish Row 66
A Trial of Skill The Rival Boot-blacks 68
Happy Jack His Story 70
Tongue vs. Chop 72
Tom Towns, who don't like (Vgee 74
The Great Regulator 75
The Lapidary and the Sea-Captain A Vertical Saw 76
The Poet Spouse 80
Recorder's Court Two of a Trade can never agree 83
A Serenader Christopher Cramer and his Cremona 85
"Lay on, Mick Duff !" 87
Domestic Difficulties ; or, The One Woman Power 87
A Scotch Fee-Losopher 89
An attempt to Shave a Shaver 90
A Small Tea Party Showing the connection between scandal
and souchong 92
Ned Brown done brown 95
L-a-w! 96
Regulating the Currency 98
Vagaries of the Moon 100
Tom Star 101
A Jollification in Jail 104
Tim Flanigan's Ghost A story of the Charity Hospital
Founded on fact 107
Poor Jack 109
Ned Knox on Elections Ill
Jack Burns, the Busier 112
Con O'Donnell the Corned 114
A real Game Cock of the Wilderness 115
A Tailor's Needle magnified into a Bowie-knife 117
CONTENTS. 7
Page
George Washington Wimple, the Man who prefers the Ballad
to the Ballot 119
A Muddled Millerite 121
The Loss of a Character 122
A Brandy and Peppermint Parly broken up 125
Boot Blacks and Bad Times 126
Pleasant Neighbours 128
Cookery and Calumny Restaut versus Jones 130
Bob Battle .... 133
Cabmen's Contentions 134
An Obsolete Idea 136
Jack Gallagher 136
Bill Blummell 138
The way to make a Tetoialler ; Evaporation, its Power or, The
Ingenuity of Tippling Rats 140
Seeing the Elephant Jim Griswell 142
The Victim of Ambition 143
Jealousy 146
A Cabman in a Dilemma Out-door Theatricals 148
A Tourist in Trouble 150
The Head vs. The Feet 152
Living made easy , 154
Adjusting Ballast 156
Jimmy M'Gowan, who aided Nations in establishing their Inde
pendence, but could not secure his own 157
Whiskers; or, A Clean Shave 160
Soap Suds 163
An Imposture 165
Law in Mississippi ; or, An offensive Defence 167
The Danger of Diddling a Barber 171
Cabbage 172
Jack Robinson A Salt who was fresh 1 74
A Dancing Master in a Dilemma 176
8 CONTENTS.
Pago
The Fancy not Fancied 178
Mick Fan-el's Serenade 180
A Musical Melee , 181
A violation of the Treaty 183
Allwell, not All Right 184
Love and Letter-writing 18?
ALiveHoosier 190
A Negative Beauty 191
A Public Patriot ; or, An Acute Alleghanian 192
Animal Magnetism ; or, The Attractive Venison 195
A Tar in Troubl e 198
A Mistake ; or, The Broken Pledge and the Fat Girl's Portrait. 200
How to make a Raise 201
A Strike among the Tailors 203
The Mistakes of a Night 205
Rival Suitors ., 207
Morgan Manly, the Man that never said " No !" 209
Theophilus Twist ; or, A Taker-off taken off. 210
Patriotism in a sad Plight 212
A Rum'Un 214
The American Eagle and Daniel O'Connell 215
PICKINGS
FROM THE
JIM JOYCE,
WHO TRIED TO BE A TEMPERANCE MAN, BUT COULD** 1 !
COME IT.'
AN individual who rejoices in the name of Jim Joyce, was
lecturing the lamp-post on the mutability of matter, at the cor
ner of Lafayette Square, on Sunday night. His remarks, which
were delivered in a loud voice, brought the watchman on his
legs, as they say in parliamentary phrase; for he had just,
by way of showing his extraordinary vigilance, been taking a
comfortable snooze or, to speak more refinedly, he had been
indulging in the luxuriance of an hour's somnolency.
" Keep silent !" said Joyce to the lamp-post, as the watch
man approached him, " and I'll explain the whole matter to
you."
" What's the matter with you ?" said the watchman. "Who
are you ? eh ? Let me see. Why, I'm blowed if you aim
Jim Joyce ! What ! Jirn, my old covey, not taken the pledge
yet ! Ah, Jim ! you must be elected president of the Unre-
formed Drunkards ; you can go the anti-Washingtonian ticket
strong !"
" Charley, old feller," said Jim, " I's not what I used to was
I aint myself I aint nobody I aint nothing I wish I was.
I have wound up my affairs, and am in a state of Hquor-ddL-
tion !"
"Yes, I guess as how you have accepted a great many
draughts lately," said the watchman " you seem like it."
9
10 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
" You're right, boss I has," said Jim ; " but, dang it, the
legislature won't come to my relief. Don't you see I haint
got no i movement,' and I'm used up with ' dead weight.' "
'"Well, come move along," said Charley. "You haint
bin out of prison three days. I'll refer you to a committee of
one, composed of Recorder Baldwin : I guess he'll move for
your recommitment, c with a view to your amendment !' "
"Yes," says Jim; "but the Temperance Society has had
me nrider confide CEftion 1 find I can't be amended I didn't
take no'thing for three days ; but I couldn't stand it no longer,
aad was blig s 'd % e resume my drinks. O! it's an awful state.
C&ariey, For a feller to be without his bitters when he's used
to them !"
" Well, come along," said the watchman. " Thirty days in
the new workhouse may have more virtue in bringing about
your reformation than a Father Mathew medal. We'll try it."
" Well, I aint agoin' to go," said Jim. " I never keeps low
company, and you is so cussedly vulgar that they say you
have to strike the curb-stones, to force them to keep your
society !"
This was touching Charley in a tender point : it was a per
sonal aspersion a misdemeanour of no common magnitude,
inasmuch as it was calculated to bring the officers of the law,
and, per consequence, the law itself into disrepute. There
was, therefore, no further parley between the parties, and
Charley's stave, applied divers and sundry times to Jim Joyce's
ribs, operated as a motive power to his locomotion'until they
arrived at the Baronne-street watchhouse.
He is now developing the resources of the state in the new
workhouse.
AN ARTIST IN TROUBLE.
As Recorder Baldwin was yesterday disposing of some case
of ordinary importance, a low, chubby, cabbage-headed Dutch
man, and a thin, tall, attenuated man in a seedy black coat,
pants to match, and a well brushed faded silk hat entered the
office. The first notice of their presence which the court had
was the Dutchman telling the tall, thin, attenuated gentleman
in the seedy dress and faded silk hat, that he " wash a tarn
shon of a pitch."
AN ARTIST IN TROUBLE. 11
At this wanton interruption of the general order of the court,
the Recorder cried " Silence !" and every officer in court echoed
the order.
" What is the matter ?" asked the Recorder.
"Vhy, here pe von tarn imposthure vhat say he painted my
shon, and it aint my shon, not at all, Got tarn." Here the
Dutchman looked sourcrout at the tall, thin gentleman in the
seedy black suit with the faded silk hat.
The Dutchman got a hint to " shut up," from one of the
officers, and was told if he did not treat the court with more
deference, he would have to rusticate in the calaboose for
twenty-four hours.
u Will you," said the Recorder, addressing the tall, thin man
" will you explain the matter at issue between this man,
who seems inclined to be so noisy, and yourself. What is it
that has brought both of you here?"
" I shall endeavour," said the tall, thin man in the seedy
suit of black, " to comply with the request of the court; and
although in the absence of my legal adviser I feel the weight
of the responsibility which rests on me, yet trusting to the
truth of my cause, to the enlightened and liberal feeling that
pervades this court and this great community in every thing
which relates to the fine arts, and firmly believing that in this
intellectual age when genius is fostered, when true taste is
appreciated, when brilliant talents are succoured and encouraged
in a word, may it please the court, when mind predominates
over mere matter I fearlessly enter on the task which the
court has imposed on me, regardless of the results, when I
have no one to combat but the vegetable individual the ani
mated pumpkin who now stands by my side."
" Got tarn !" said the Dutchman.
" Silence !" said the officer. And the man in the seedy suit
proceeded.
"As I was saying to the court," continued the man who
looked like a target " my picture of the transaction, like all
which I have ever drawn, shall be life-like. I shall use only
the brush of truth, and my colouring shall be natural and in
strict accordance with facts. The part which I have acted in
the affair, will, I am sanguine to say, furnish me with light.
This individual's conduct," pointing to the Dutchman
"supplies more than a sufficient share of shade."
" Have you any complaint to make ?" asked the Recorder,
appearing somewhat tired of listening to the speech of ihe tall,
12 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE.*'
thin man, which smelt strongly of vermillion, black lead and
yellow ochre.
" Ah," said the tall, thin man, ' there's the rub. Allow
lie for one moment to brush up my memory, and I shall an
* unvarnished tale deliver' of the transaction."
" You tarn humpug," said the Dutchman, in a tone which
did not reach the bench.
" My name, may it please the court," said the tall, thin man,
"is Jones Sylvester Jones, at the service of the court. I am a
professor of the fine arts, or as it is vulgarly called, a painter.
I am a F. R. S., and R. A., and an A. S. S. This individual
here, whose name, as well as I can pronounce it, is Johan
Vonhickenslaughter. What an abominable, unpoetical name !"
" No matter about the euphony of the name," said the
Recorder. " What has he done ?"
" W T hy," said the artist, " he employed me to take a por
trait of his eldest son, a mere human animalcula I assure you,
with no more expression in his face than there is in a peeled
turnip. Well, of course I gave a life-likeness of the boy.
My great forte is in catching the expression of the eye and the
muscles of the mouth, but d n me (beg the court's par
don) -he, I say, had no expression to catch. Well, I took
the picture home, and would the court believe it, instead of
paying me for it, this individual offered me personal violence
because his son's portrait did not resemble a picture of the
younger Bonaparte, which he had hanging up in his room,
and whom, he says, his son resembles, ha! ha! ha! Beg the
court's pardon again, but really cannot avoid laughing at the
individual's idea a perfect monomania, I assure you."
" Got tarn, doesh you shay dat pe like my shon ? It ish like
not no one, Got tarn." Here the Dutchman exhibited what
the artist called a perfect likeness of Mrs. Vonhickenslaughter's
first born, but which was in truth as like an antiquated Dutch
doll, Admiral Vonbroom, or a pair of twin apples grafted to
gether, as it was like the human face divine of either the young
Dutchman or any one else.
" Whesh mhy shon's nose, or mhy shon's eyh's, or mhy
shon's red cheeks ? Got tarn," said the Dutchman, as he point
ed to where those different features should be on the painting.
The Recorder said he was not prepared to say what were
the talents of the artist, or how far his own account of his
professional abilities was correct, but he certainly did not look
on th<* picture exhibited as a chef d'ceuvre in the way of por-
"IRISH EVENINGS." 13
trait painting, nor could he undertake to tell how nearly it
resembled the original, as the amiable youth whose likeness
it purported to be was not present. As there was no actual
assault proven he refused to grant a warrant, and dismissed
the parties, advising Mr. Vonhickenslaughter to permit little
Vonhickenslaughter to set once more to Sylvester Jones, the
artist.
The Dutchman left the office, swearing that no " tarn hum-
pug should nhever phaint hishshon." "Mhyshon," he said,
" ish like young Bhonaparte, put that phicter whashn't like
nhopody, Got tarn."
"IRISH EYENINGS."
MODERN language and novel interpretation have changed in
a great degree the meaning of words. For instance, " Irish
Evenings" may mean evenings in England, evenings in France,
evenings in Timbuctoo, or, in fact,, evenings in any part of
the globe. Will the gentle reader all readers are gentle by
courtesy, just as members of congress are all " honourable"
will the gentle reader, then, allow us to illustrate. The last
we heard of Samuel Lover, the gifted poet, painter and musi
cian, he was giving a series of entertainments in Liverpool,
England, which he called " Irish Evenings ;" and Brougham,
the comedian, who was here last winter, was, per last news
paper report, giving " Irish Evenings" in one of the New Eng
land cities. We say thus much to show that when we speak
of " Irish Evenings" in New Orleans, we are guilty of neither
bull nor blunder we but follow in the wake of others, to
take our cue from whom is, we contend, both legal and legit
imate.
Whether Mick Maguire, the hero of our " Irish Evenings,"
meant to copy after Lover or Brougham we know not; but
certes it is that he, like them, has had his u Irish Evenings."
The scene of the last of them was laid in Girod street, and
the time was Friday, ten o'clock, P. M. Of this fact we be
came informed by seeing at the police office yesterday the
aforesaid Mick Maguire, Terence Tooley, and we know not
how many others, all parties either plaintiffs or defendants.
Mick Maguire, it appeared, was the great feature in the even
ing's fun, and on him fell the burden of the charge, rather a
14 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
serious one in its nature, embracing the crimes of disturbing
the peace, assault and battery, interfering with the watchman
in the discharge of his duty, &c.
After a careful notation of the charge, or series of charges,
by the Recorder, he asked " What have you got to say in
your defence, Mr. Maguire ?"
"O, murther ! murther! Recorder, jewel," said Mick, "is
me life goin' to be sworn away by a vagabone haythin' like
Ned Nowlan, who never crassed his forehead, and has no
more b'lief in the forgiveness o' sins and the communion o'
saints than I have in the prophecies of Parson Miller."
Recorder. " It is evident from the testimony of the watch
man, that there was a violent disturbance of the peace. How
did it come or who was the cause of it?"
Mick. " O, faith, I'll tell you that your honour, in less time
than I'd be tuning my pipes, though the story don't furnish
altogether so sweet music."
Mick, it is necessary here to premise, is one of those wan
dering minstrels, vulgarly called a piper, who supports himself
by his execution on the bagpipes. The race is almost extinct,
and Mr. Maguire, it must be confessed, is a degenerate speci
men of the Carolans of a former period.
"In the first place, your honour," continued Mick, "here's
the billydoo, as they call it, that I got to attind at 377 Girod
street last evenin'."
Here he handed a soiled and awkwardly folded note to the
Recorder, which read thus
" Miss Margaret O'Hern presints her compliments to Mr. Maguire,
Begs he will make one of a small tay party at her house this evenin'.
P. S. Coffee will be on the table at 8 o'clock. Let Mr. M. not forget
to bring the sticks with him."
" Yis, sir," said Mick, she manes the pipes, and faith I
wint with them yoked on to me arm as tight as if the ribbon
attached to the chaunther was put there by Cohen, the bleedher."
Recorder. " But what was the cause of the quarrel and
disturbance of the peace that occurred ?"
JMick. " Divil a haporth at all, your honour. You see,
whin I wint to Margaret's, there was as dacent a crowd of boys
and girls assimbled there as iver I saw at the pathren of siven
churches. ' YeVe wilcome, Mr. Maguire,' sis one. 4 How is
every rope's length of you, Mick ?' sis another. ' The divil
burn the roof o' the house ye're not welcome to,' sis a third.
4 Musha, more power to your elbow for bringin' the pipes,'
"IRISH EVENINGS." 15
sis a fourth ; and that was the way they most kilt me with
compliments. ' Yer sarvints, gintales,' sis myself, and sorra
a word more I sed, but took me sate in the corner. ' Lit's
have a blow o' yer bags,' sis Murty Malone. c Ah, whisht,
Murty, avic,' sis me murneen lawn. Miss O'Hern, 'don't ask
Mick to play till he wets his whistle.' "
Recorder. " But come to the assault and disturbance of
he peace."
Mick. " Why, your honour don't think, I hope, that the
tongue of a poor Irish piper a wandherin minsthrel, as Tom
Moore sis is a locomotive or a magnetic tiligraph, that can
go through a story in a minit. I'm an me oath, an' want to
tell the whole truth."
Recorder. "Go on, then."
Mick. " Well, thin, as I was sayin', I tould Miss O'Hern
that I felt much obleeged to her, but that sorra a dhrop I took
sthronger than tay or could wather since I took the pledge,
barrin' lemonade, and with that she makes me a tumbler as
swate as her own bewitchin' smile."
Recorder." Well, about the assault ?"
Mick. "Faith, that's what I'm comin' to; but did you
ever hear a good tune played unless the symphony went be
fore it ?"
Recorder. "Go on."
Mick. " Well, be gor, I'd scarcely time to screw on the
sticks, whin up they wor on the floor, paired as purty as pi
geons. They called for an Irish jig, and I sthruck up ' Moll
Roe on the Mountain.' Well, me dear I beg yer honour's
pardon well, your honour, I mane to say to it they wint,
and sure enough they had it ' hands acrass' c turn yer part
ner' ' right an' lift ;' be joxty, they wint the whole figure, as
the sayin' is, till I was tired, an' they wor twice as tired as I
was."
Recorder. " I can stand this no longer ; I insist on your
coming to the case before the court."
Mick. "Sure I am comin'. Well, whin the dance was over
you see, Tom Fosther comes up to me troth it's himself has
the bad Cromwellian blood in him and sis he to me, ' play
us a tune, Mick,' sis he, ' while the boys is gittin' their part
ners.' 'With the gratest pleasure in life,' sis I, ' what's your
favourite ?' 'Croppy lie down,' sis he. ' I'd lose me life be
fore I'd disgrace me pipes with the like of it,' sis I. ' More
power to your elbow, Mick,' sis Fa~-ell Farley ; ' play us the
16 PICKINGS FROM THE u PICAYUNE."
Shanvanvouth,' or the Battle of Tara.' ' <Ah, that's ould
ninety-eight brakin' >ut,' sis Tom. ' An' didn't you want
to throw Shamus ahocka (King James) in our teeth ?' 4 You
lie,' sis Tom. ' You lie,' sis Farrell. ' Take that,' sis Tom.
4 An' that,' sis Farrell ; an' thin, your honour, there was a
gineral ruckawn a sort of a permiscous skrimmage and
divil a haporth more do I know about it. Me own pipes
was made kippeens of in the row, and I b'lieve I'd have been
kilt intirely, only for me gardian angel, Miss O'Hern may the
cloud o' misfortune never darken her bright looks."
The Recorder, finding it impossible to discriminate between
the plaintiffs and defendants, bound all the parties over to keep
the peace.
A VETERAN OF THE IMPERIAL ARMY.
THE most prominent picture in the Recorder's gallery of
portraits yesterday morning was Macenat Fournier. Poor
Macenat! adversity has left its traces deep and visible on thy
features, and however bright your sun of life may have risen,
it will set ere long, obscured by the clouds of misfortune. In
order to see Macenat in the mind's eye, a brief outline of his
outer man is indispensably necessary. He must have seen
some fifty summers ; aye, and a like number of winters. The
summers have embrowned his features, and given to his face
a mandarin kind of colour ; the winters have frosted his hair, and
left Time's tracks on his forehead. He was dressed in a much-
worn military frock, in a hat of feltless antiquity, and in trousers
which were once white, but now needed no committee to decide
that they wanted washing. Two or three faded tri-coloured
ribands were suspended to thebreast of his coat ; the remnant
of what was once a moustache clung to his upper lip ; he held
in his hand a cane stick, to which was attached a leather tassel,
and at his feet lay a half-starved long-haired French terrier
dog.
" Where did you find this man ?" said the Recorder, address
ing the captain of the guard, and referring to Fournier.
" He was sleeping in the cathedral," said the officer, " and
his dog well nigh bit me when I went to arrest him."
u What brought you into the church?" said the Recorder,
speaking tc Fournier, "why were you sleeping there?"
A VETERAN OF THE IMPERIAL ARMY. 17
"Ah!" said Fournier, "I went to pay my respect my
devoir to the memory of le grand Empereur ! great shen-
eral ! mighty man !" and his lustreless eye was for a moment
lit up by his enthusiastic recollection of the hero of a hundred
fights.
" What did you know of the General ?" said the Recorder.
" What I know of him ?" said the little veteran, shrugging
his shoulders, "ah, 'Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu ! I know'd all of
him; I much wid him; I mess wid him; I fight w id him; I
retreat wid him from Moscow ; I die wid him. He be one very
little, big, great General !"
" Bow ! ow ! ow !" barked the little dog that lay at Fournier' s
feet, looking up wistfully in his master's face, as if he intuitively
had learned that he was in difficulties.
" Ah, poor doggy !" said the Frenchman, and a tear drop
started into the puckered corner of his eye, " you is de only
one friens old Fournier has left. De French Republic gone
Bonaparte gone wife gone son gone daughter gone all
be gone but you. You stick to old Macenat whether he have
money, whether he have bread, whether he have house, or
whether he have nothin'. Doggy ! master have no Hospital
of Invalides to shelter him, and when he die you have no one
to give you de crust of bread, and you die too. Ah, Mon Dieu !
Mon Dieu!"
" Have you belonged to the imperial army ?" said the Re
corder.
" Ow/, ow?," said the little Frenchman, " me 'bliged to sell
my medals^ but there be rny certificate of service," pointing to
a sabre wound on his jaw, to another on his head, and to a
gun shot wound on his leg, " dere, dere, dere !" Here the little
dog barked again, and the Frenchman patted him affectionately
on the back.
" How long have you been in this country ?" said the
Recorder.
" Twenty and one two years," said the Frenchman.
"Why did you come to this country ?" said the Recorder.
" Ah, that be too much sorrowful to tell," said the French
man. "My sheneral, the brave Napoleon, he be sent to St.
Helena, my wife she die, my son and my daughter fine boy
fine girl ! dey come to dis country of liberty ; de imperial
army be disbanded, and poor Macenat have no friend in France
but his dog, and he come after his children and take his dog
wid him, but he nevare find dem, nevare, nevare dey die, and
59
18 PICKINGS FROM THE * C PICAYUNE."
leave him and his dog alone in strange country. Ah> Mon
Dieu ! Mon Dieu !"
" Then you went to the church, I suppose," said the Recorder,
; - to witness the funeral ceremony of your late Emperor."
u Owi, owi," said the war-worn soldier, tt me had no friend to
give me the entree ; but me determined to be there or to die, so
I sleep there all night, and my good dog he watch for me."
" Well, take this," said the Recorder, and he slipped a
Mexican casting into the hand of Fournier, " go and get thee
some wine for there will be no funeral service to-day."
A crowd of conflicting passions rushed into the countenance
of the old Frenchman, but whether joy at receiving the gift,
pleasure at being released from durance, or sorrow that he
could not gratify his feelings by assisting in the funeral celebra
tion of le grand Empereur, predominated, the most discerning
physiognomist could not discover.
He left the office, making divers bows and gesticulations of
gratitude, and his dog mutely seconded his motions by sundry
subdued friskings and wags of his tail.
ARTIFICAL FLOWERS AND THE FLOWERS OF POESY.
A most romantic looking young lady, calling herself Lavina
Allen, complained before Recorder Baldwin yesterday that
she was in personal fear of sustaining bodily injury from Mrs.
Harley, whom she prayed the court to bind over to the peace.
Lavina's face resembled a hawthorn bush covered with white
spray of a frosty morning, there was such a profusion of white
powder stuck upon it ; her hair was drawn back a la Chinois,
and her bonnet was so retiring that it covered but one half of
her head. Her neck was long, and as she was squeezed into
one of the modern, narrow sleeved, close fitting dresses, she
looked like a finger board at a cross roads pointing opposite
ways.
Mrs. Harley was also present, and looked like a woman who
slept twelve hours out of the twenty-four, and had both her
washing and her fretting done out.
" What has this lady done ?" said the Recorder, addressing
the amiable Lavina and pointing to Mrs. Harley.
" She's a nasty, vulgar creeter," said Lavina, looking dis
dainfully at Mrs. Harley, " and has no soul for poetry.
ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS, &C. 19
" ' Beautiful language ! Love's peculiar own.
Not for the cold, the careless to impart,
By such sweet signs, the language of the heart.' "
" She may not be blessed with a very exuberant imagina
tion," said the Recorder " she may not have the ' nack o'
rhyme,' as Burns calls it, but although she have not, it is no
evidence that she is of a quarrelsome disposition and should
be bound over to keep the peace. To me the woman appears
quiet and peaceable."
Lavina.
" ' Ah! that deceit should assume such gentle shapes.'
Just you see her, sir, of a day when there aint good business
done in the shop ; then she makes folks fly about."
u Pray, of what does this young woman accuse you," said
the Recorder to Mrs. Harley.
Mrs. Harley. " Please your honour, I manufacture artificial
flowers, and had this girl and three or four others to work for
me."
"Girl!" said Lavina; "there's more vulgarity."
" Silence !" said the peace officer.
"Well as I was saying sir," said Mrs. Harley, "I manufac
ture artificial flowers, and work for several respectable families ;
but Lavina here is eternally talking poetry about love and non
sense, keeping the rest of the girls from their work. I some
times remonstrate with her," continued Mrs. Harley. " I fear
she is touched in the head, and have great compassion for
her."
Lavina.
" ' What is compassion when 'tis void of love ?
She pities me !
To one that asks the warm return of love,
Compassion's cruelty 'tis scorn, 'tis death.' "
" Do you owe her any thing ?" said the Recorder to Mrs.
Harley.
" Yes, sir," said Mrs. Harley, K I owe her five dollars, and
I offered it to her but she refused to take it."
" I despise your dollars," said Lavina, suiting the action to
the word with a swing of her arm.
" ' The wealth I request is that of the heari,
The smiles of affection are riches to me. 1 "
" Poor, dear girl," said Mrs. Harley, " it is coming on her
now. She would be an excellent girl if she could be made to
forget her poetry."
20 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
Lavina. u I would not be placed on an intellectual level
with you for all the artificial flowers that you ever sold and
manufactured.
' She alone all competition towers
Who adds, to other gifts, high mental powers.' "
Mrs. Harley. [To the Recorder, aside, and in an under
tone] u Fact is, sir, I b'lieve, from scraps of writing which I
saw in her room, that she is in love."
Recorder. "You should mind your work, young woman,
and forget those idle phantasies. This woman is not going
to injure you."
Lavina.
Dost thou deem
It such an easy lask for the fond breast
To root affection out ?
They sin who tell us love can die ;
With life all other passions fly,
All others are but vanity.' '*
" Lavina," said the Recorder, " you may go : I shall be bail
myself that Mrs. Harley won't assault you. If she should,
come here and I will give you ample satisfaction."
Lavina.
" ' I have a greatful soul would give you thanks,
And know not how to do it but with tears.
[She weeps.]
Take my thanks, that yet hath nothing else
If fortune serves me, I'll requite thy kindness.' "
Lavina bowed gracefully and withdrew, and Mrs. Harley
closed her hands before her breast and looked up to the ceiling,
as much as to say, La, me ! how I pity that poor crazed
girl.
NATIONAL RIVALRY.
As the election excitement increases, so does the sale of
whiskey punches, and so do the prisoners at the police office
Why the effect follows the cause, we are not metaphysicians
enough to divine, and therefore content ourselves by stating
the facts. On Saturday night two men were arrested by a
cabbage-faced Dutch watchman : the one was a tall Scotch
man, with legs as long as a surveyor's instrument, and a nose
speckled like Scotch plaid : the other was a dumpy, potato-
faced Irishman each of them had a " wee drap in his 'ee,"
NATIONAL RIVALRY. 21
and each was as full of love for fatherland, as an inflated bal
loon is full of gas.
" To the d 1 I bob you and Scotland," said the Irish
man, " sure it's no counthry at all at all nor never was.
Where was Scotland, I'd like to know, whin there was no one
in Ireland but saints, and kings, and princes ? and no houses,
but all castles, that neither ould Nick nor ould Nol could
make a braych in ?"
" Weel, weel, Mr. O'Toole," said the Scotchman, it is nae
the cook, or the rooster, as folks here ca' him it is na the
rooster, I say, that craws loodest that maks the best fight.
Auld Scotland was a'ways where she is noo mon that is just
ayont the Tweed. 1 '
" O, ye're an uncivilized set of haythens, any how," said
Mr. O'Toole. " Hav'nt ye always ran wild through the High
lands, like logins, without as much as a bit of breeches on
yer legs ?"
" I acknowledge we have, Mr. O'Toole, and so ha' the ancient
Romans they wore nae breeks when they conquered the
world," said the Scotchman, whose name, we should before
have told our readers, was Sandy MacPherson.
" Thin, where's your national music ? where's your harp ?
the're both like Brien Flanagan's cow, when she got drown'd
in the bog-hole faith the're missin."
" They're nae sick a thing," said MacPherson, " we ha' goot
oor Highland bagpipes, and it can stir up the bluid o' a Scotch
man any day as weel as your harp."
" O, Holy Moses!" exclaimed O'Toole, " d'ye call the noise
made by that bresna of sticks, music ! why, be jabers, I'd put a
turkey-cock under my arm, catch his bill between my fingers,
and make him play as good music as your bagpipes any day :
music ! well, if that is'nt takin' a liberty with the king's Eng
lish, there's no shamrocks in Ireland. The Scotch fiddle is
the only instrument, that I know of, ye can lay any claim to !"
" Vera weel, vera weel," said MacPherson, " let us nae quar
rel aboot it."
" Well thin, why don't ye whist ? said O'Toole, " don't be
makin' a Judy Fitzimmons of yerself. I suppose you'll be
afther tellin' me that yer poetry is as good as ours too !"
" Yes" and I'll maintain it too," said MacPherson, evincing
some warmth of manner for the first time.
"You can't," said O'Toole, "no more than you can stop
the Shannon with a pitchfork."
22 PICKINGS FROM THE fct PICAYUNE."
MacPherson thought he could, and was determined he
would, so from the compositions of the
" Lyric singers of that high soul'd land,"
he made a selection from his favourite, Rabby Burns, and com
menced singing at the top of his voice,
" O Thou, my muse ! guid ould Scotch drink,
Whether thro' wimpling worms thou jink ;
Or, richly brown, ream o'er the brink
In glorious faem
Inspire me, till I lisp and wink,
To sing thy name."
" Stop that," said O'Toole, " jist drop it like a hot prayta,
if you wish to have your head whole ; that's a national reflec
tion it conveys a double on-ton-dray, as the French say ; it's
an insinuation against Irish potheen, the shuperiority of which,
above all other liquors, never was questioned before," and he
began singing louder than the Scotchman, if not sweeter,
" There's not in the wide world, a liquor yet known,
That's as good as the potheen of famed Innesshoun."
When a Dutch watchman came up, who looked like a mam
moth locomotive head of cabbage, and said, " sthop that tarn
noise what be for makin' such fush ?"
" You be d d, old leather head," said O'Toole ; " be
carefu', Charley," said MacPherson, " that you dinna go ayont
the boonds o' your duty: if J ken the constitution rightly, it
says naething aboot the impropriety of folks crooning a song
in the public streets."
" I whants no law from no one but the Recordher," said the
Dutchman ; he struck the curb stone, put the pair of worthies
under arrest, and marched them to the watch-house. Mac
Pherson, when there, complained of the act as a wanton out
rage on his personal liberty, and O'Toole said that his Milesian
blood was ready to gush from his veins when he thought of it.
When they got out they forgot their mutual national antipa
thies, and conjointly heaped maledictions on the leather heads
of all watchmen in general, and on that of the Dutch watch
man in particular.
THE LAST CARD.
THE LAST CARD.
WILLIAM TIMMONS, a sallow looking, nervous little man, was
the most clamorous appellant for justice who appeared before
Recorder Baldwin yesterday. A good natured looking woman,
fat, fair and forty, who wore as many frills and fringes as a
lady of the haul ton in the Elizabethean age, had a hold of
him by the arm, and seemed to be using all the persuasive elo
quence of which her sex in cases of emergency are so capable.
When she found her tongue flagging, she called a pair of once
bright eyes to her aid, which were still far from being lustre
less; and if neither tongue nor eyes seemed to make the
desired impression, she gave his arm a gentle pressure, or
pulled him half playfully, half persuasively by the breast but
ton hole of the coat. It being outside the bar, in the court,
the conversation was carried on in an undertone. We were
ignorant of the subject, but could see from the pantomime ia
which Mr. Timmons indulged, that
' he heeded not the voice of the charmer
Though charmed she never so wisely."
" I don't care, I'm determined to," said Mr. Timmons.
" Lor' bless you, Mr. Timmons," said the fat woman with
the frills, "you know the hinnocent birds don't know nothing
about whigs or locofocos, now don't Mr. Timmons."
" 1 will," said Mr. Timmons ; " I'm determined ; I don't
blame the birds ; but I want to have the fullest satisfaction
which the law will allow."
" Won't you listen to reason, Mr. Timmons ?" said the fat
woman.
" I'll listen to nothing," said Mr. Timmons, speaking as
loudly as if the fat woman's sense of hearing was very
imperfect.
" What is that noise about ?" said the Recorder.
"I wants to tell your honour all about it," said Mr. Tim
mons.
" So do I too, your honour," said the fat woman with the
frills.
" Which of you is the complainant ?" said the Recorder.
" 1 am, please the court," said Mr. Timmons.
24 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
" He haint got no complaint to make," said the fat woman
with the frills.
" Silence," said one of the police officers.
" Let us hear your complaint," said the Recorder, addressing
Mr. Timmons.
" Certainly sir," said Mr. T., and pushing the hair up off
his forehead, applying a red pocket handkerchief to his pro
boscis, and giving a couple of short coughs, he commenced.
u You see, sir, this here woman and I is next door neigh
bours. I am a locofoco as strong as plain, and she is a wio-
lent vhig."
" O, good gracious !" ejaculated the fat woman with the
frills ; u did you ever !"
" Silence," said the peace officer.
"How do you know she's a whig?" asked the Recorder.
" 'Cause, don't they say the vimen are all vigs ?" asked Mr.
Timmons ; " besides I knows from what she has taught her
birds."
" O Lor' ha' mercy on me," ejaculated the fat woman with
the frills, " I aint nothin' but a poor, lone widder."
" What has she taught her birds ?" asked the Recorder.
" Why, you see," said Timmons, " she's got what she calls
a havery, (an aviary) where she keeps all kinds of foreign and
domestic hanimals in the bird line, and she has taught them
all to abuse me and my principles."
u How so ?" asked the Recorder. " I don't understand you."
" Why, just this here way, your honour," said Timmons :
" she has got a crooked-nosed, green parrot at her door, and
ven ever he sees me he begins to laugh at me, and he sings
" ' Did you hear the news from Maine, Maine, Maine ?"
" And more times he sings
' Van, Van, Van
Van is a used-up man !'
u Then she's got some other kinds of foreign birds that
says ' Kinderhook cabbage, Kinderhook cabbage, sour crout,
eour crout; Matty, go home; Matty, go home.'
" I merely want's to have her bound over to keep the peace,"
said Mr. Timmons, " and not to be annoying me."
" Won't your honour hear me ?" asked the fat woman with
the frills.
" Yes," said the Recorder ; " step forward."
" Well, you see, your honour, I haint got a bird in the wide
A DOUBLE SHAVE. 25
world but a parrot, an English lark, and a Guinea hen , and
they are all the company I has since my poor, dear old man
died. This here man, Mr. Timmons, is a werry good man,
but he sometimes gets tipsy, and when he does he says my
birds do be singing Tippecanoe- songs and talkin' politics :
there aint one on 'em can speak a word, your honour, but the
parrot, and she don't say nothin' but ' pretty Poll, pretty Poll.'
1 believes, your honour, it's all owin' to the influence of liquor,
for when he's sober he don't say nothin'."
" Are you afraid this woman will do you any injury r"
asked the Recorder of Mr. Timmons.
" I is not," said Mr. Timmons ; " but I or>ly requests that
her birds won't be riggin' me 'bout my politics."
u O, well," said the Recorder, " since the birds are not amen
able to this court, I can't dwell longer on this case. It is dis
charged."
u O, Mr. Timmons, Mr. Timmons," said the fat woman with
the frills, " aint you a pretty next door neighbour, to bring a
poor, lone widder, that hain't got no one but herself and her
birds, into court."
A DOUBLE SHAYE.
BILL BROWN VS. AUGUSTUS JONES.
THIS case excited considerable interest in the Recorder's
court, Saturday. Brown is an English sailor. Augustus Jones
belongs to the sable race, and fills the vocation of mariner's
tons^ur on the Levee.
" State your complaint," said the Recorder.
"To save this honourable court trouble," said a little six-
and-eight-penny lawyer, u I have made a brief of my client,
Mr. Brown's case, and shall read it, if the court will command
silence."
Here he pulled from the pocket of his thread-bare coat
about a quire of foolscap, closely written over, and com
menced
" Whereas, this day "
Recorder. "Stop stop, sir! You don't mean 10 read all
that !"
Jlltornzy. u Certainly, may it please your honour. My
duty to my client, justice to my own professional reputation,
26 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
and my innate desire for the triumph of equity and the punisli
ment of fraud, all bid me read it."
Here the little attorney gave a thump to a volume of Moreau's
Digest which lay before him on the table, that made its cover
resound like Mr. Cripps' kettle-drums!
Recorder. " I care not, sir, what or who bids you read it
I forbid you to read it, so sit down. Are you aware, sir,
that I have already heard the President's message read to-day ?"
Attorney. " Sir, that is not a case in point."
Recorder. " I tell you, sir, I'll point you out to a police
man if you don't at once sit down."
Attorney. " Then I appeal !"
Policeman. "Silence! [in an under tone] Appeal and
be d d !"
The little lawyer left the office in disgust, and Bill Brown
stept up to tell his own story in his own way. He plucked off
his little glazed hat, made a deposit of the extract of his quid
on the boards, rubbed the left cuff of his blue jacket across un
der his nose, gave his canvass trousers a hitch up, and com
menced
" You see, your wu'ship "
Policeman. " There's no one worshipped here."
Brown. " O, Lord love you, messmate, it's all the same,
for the matter o' that. The Admiral there (pointing to the
Recorder) knows the way I'm steering."
Recorder. " Go on with your complaint."
Sailor. " Aye, aye, sir; but, Commodore, dang my buttons
if I know what point I was sailing at, when I put my helm to,
to talk to this lubber here."
Recorder." State why you have summoned this coloured
man here."
Sailor. "All right, your honour ; I know my reckoning now.
Well, you see, I goes into this here fellow's this morning, to
have a shave to wash of decks like; well, he did shave me,
and may I be food for sharks before another week, your honour,
if I didn't suffer more by the operation than I did when I was
shaved the first time I passed under the line."
Recorder." Well, what followed ?"
Sailor. " Why, your honour, I gave him a $2 bill, and he
only gave me thirteen of these (ten cent pieces) in change ;
and he threatened, your honour, unless I made sail, to scuttle
me on the spot."
Recorder. " Jones, what have you to say to this charge ?"
AN ABSCONIING PARTNER. 27
Jones. " Pse got nuffin to say, no how, your honour, but 1
make dis statement in my own offence. As for de shabin' ob
dis here gemmafi, nuffin wax neber nicerer don, for I jus oper
ated per se right ober his face, as Captain Tyler would say,
Yaw ! yaw !"
Recorder. " No impertinence, sir, stick to your story."
Jones. "'Cuser, massa, I will. Wai, you sees, I does bis-
ness on cash princerples 'cause I doesn't look on dose banks,
you see, as very 'stantial, no how. If a gemman comes in, 1
shaves him dat ere's a bit ; if he gives me a note I shaves dat
too a bit in de dollar and dat's wat I calls de 'gitimate bankin'
bisness."
The Recorder made Jones refund the sailor two bits, and
as he avowed he had no fear of being "scuttled" by the bar
ber, the case was thus adjusted.
AN ABSCONDING PARTNER.
" Frailty, thy name is woman."
WE lost our umbrella once, and know what a sadness comes
over the heart on ascertaining the loss of that necessary ar
ticle. Our new hat has been taken " by mistake" from a party,
and a shocking bad one left in its stead, at which we felt
"miffed." We lost our passage on board a steamboat on a
certain momentous occasion, after having paid our fare, and
our chagrin was considerable. But as we never had a wife we
never lost one, and consequently cannot tell the degree of
misery which such a bereavement is calculated to inflict ; nor,
perhaps, sufficiently sympathize with those on whom such a
thunderbolt of misfortune falls. If we* could be magnetized
by the hero of our sketch, we know we would have tears to
shed, and would be "prepared to shed them now."
There was something very peculiar in the look of Alfred
Keating, as he sat in the prisoner's box yesterday. His face
was for the most part of the time covered in his hands ; but
occasionally he would suddenly raise it up and placing hi?
open hands before him at an angle of forty-five degrees, in an
attitude expressive of dislike, he would say to an interesting
looking woman who sat on the side bench "Away ! away'
thou unit of a deceitful sex. I hate ye !"
Now we have not a doubt that the lady to whom this
28 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
tragically told exhortation was addressed, would have willingly
complied with the wish of Mr. Keating and gone off', but it
happened that the Recorder had something professional to say
to her ere she departed.
"You were found in St. Charles street last night, Mr.
Keating," remarked the Recorder, u making much noise and
acting very strangely."
" I know it, I know it," answered Mr. Keating, driving his
fingers through his hair u I know it, sir ; but has she been
found ? Where is the faithless one ?"
"What one?" asked the Recorder "of whom do you
speak ?"
" Of Anna, lovely Anna ! faithless Anna ! my no, no, not
my Anna !" said Mr. Keating, sinking his voice and falling
back in his seat in a paroxysm of grief.
" What was this man doing when you arrested him ?" asked
the Recorder of the watchman.
" O, he vas cutting up all kinds of extra shines," said Charley,
"like these here theatric fellers. He catches me by the collar,
and my eyes ! but he gave me a shake ' tell me vere she's
gone,' he says, 'or, by heavens ! thou diest.' Yes, yer honour,
I'm blowed if he didn't swear just so. 4 It is that ere voman
you means,' said I, 4 that passed by about half an hour ago,
under the influence o' liquor ? Vy, she's gone right to the
vatch 'us.' ' Willian,' said he, * thou liest! she ran avay vith
the bandy-legged tailor, and has left me here the sport of for
tune.' Veil, your honour sees, I thought as how he had got
the man with the poker, or sum'it o' that sort, and I brought
him to the vatch 'us."
" You hear the charge of the watchman," said the Recorder
to the prisoner.
" Hear !" said Alfred Keating " I hear nothing, I see no
thing the world is a chaos to me, and every object in creation
wears a loathsome hue. If a fitful light does for a moment
break on in my mind, it is
' A. light like that with which hell-fire illumes
The ghastly, writhing wretch whom it consumes !'
81
' Like moonlight on a troubled sea,
Bright'ning the storm it cannot calm.'
I'm a miserable man, sir, I'm a miserable man."
" But your misery, whatever be its source," said the Re
corder, u does not give you a license to disturb the public peace."
TOM TROTTER IN TROUBLE. 29
u Were he a man of comely person and fine proportions,"
said the semi-mad Mr. Keating, " the misfortune might have
fallen lighter on me ; but to forsake me, who feared c the winds
of heaven might visit her too roughly,' for a tailor a mere
fraction of a man a human form made by one of nature's
worst journeymen ! It is too much, too much but
' She's gone I am abused and my relief
Must be to loaihe her. O. curse of marriage,
That we can call these delicate creatures ours,
And not their appetites !' "
" That?ll do," said the Recorder, who had heard enough
now to know that the better half of Mr. Alfred Keating had
made a transfer of herself and her affections to some one
whom Alfred deemed less worthy of both than himself. " Mr.
Keating," added the Recorder, "I shall discharge you this
morning ; but if brought up here again, I will find means to
keep you from making a noise in the streets at an unseasonable
hour."
Mr. Keating left the office ejaculating " O ! Anna, Anna !
source of all my bliss and all my woe !"
TOM TROTTER IN TROUBLE.
" THAT was a mighty accurate remark of Newton's," said an
individual who passed up Poydras street at a late hour Thurs
day night, u it was a mighty accurate remark of his, that the
world turned round. I only wonder that the fact was not
discovered and promulgated long before. 1 knew it by intui
tion, and I have ocular demonstration of it this instant. See
there ; isn't the lamp turning round, and isn't it making as
many faces at me as a clown in the circus would at the audi
ence. Isn't that cotton bale dancing a quadrille with the mo
lasses barrel, and isn't the curb-stone ' changing partners' with
the mackerel cask. That's the way to do it ' hands across'
' down the middle.' " At this moment he lost his equilibrium
and fell off the sidewalk into the gutter.
" Look here, old fourth-proof Jamaica," said the watchman,
"you is like some of these fellers wot goes about tell in' 'bout
'tarnal punishments and all that you doesn't practice wot
you preaches ; instead of going ' down the middle' you have
30 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
gone down the side. Jest get up and try it again. Where
abouts does you live ?"
"Live!" said the now recumbent discoverer of centripetal
force, " where do I live ? The question is a narrow one, and
presupposes a littleness of soul and a contraction of the ideas.
I live, sir, in the world my home is on it. Attachments for
*}etty localities I despise in domestic matters I am purely
osmopolitan. I live abroad, sir everywhere."
" Why, you must be a werry nice man," said the watchman ;
" I vonders vere you gets your vashin' done ; but it aint no.
matter. I guess I'll supply you vith lodging, though, like the
appearance of the vonderful voman, it may be but ' for von
night only.'"
" You're a gentleman," said the philosopher who was still
in the gutter in a maudlin tone, " you're a gentleman ; though
for one of that character most confoundedly disguised. But
tell me, do you demand cash in advance do you require
payment before going to bed ? because I've made it a rule never
to do these things. It throws doubt on a man's respectability
to do so. Prompt payments did very well, sir, for our igno
rant and benighted ancestors, but it won't do for the present
enlightened age. No, sir, the greatest men and the greatest
nations go in debt, and the deeper they go the greater their
respectability. Look at England, sir, there's a great nation !
And why is she great ? Because she is greatly in debt ; that's
the secret of her greatness ; and if you ask Sir Robert Peel
he'll tell you the same. I'd be a great man myself, but the
people are so ineffably stupid that they won't give me credit.
Why', for the last six weeks I have stopped at six several
boarding houses, and the owners are so invincibly ignorant
of the true principles of greatness, that they have, every one
of them, refused to trust me for more than one week's board.
Horrible state of society, sir."
" Blow me," said the watchman, "if I doesn't b'lieve you
is a 'tinerant lect'rer, or a mesmeriser, or summat o' that sort
you talk like a book. But come with me, I'll show you
the elephant."
The watchman led him off to Baronne street, he assuring
watchy,as they went along, that he'd be forever indebted to him,
" Zcrology," he said, "is a favourite study of mine, and in
the contemplation of nothing is my ideas of animated nature
more expanded and elevated than in surveying the mighty
elephant."
KISSING A NEW YEARNS CUSTOM. 31
Changing his tone from one of admiration to one of inter
rogation, he asked
" Did you say brandy and water, my friend ? Thank you ;
the night is somewhat chilly, that's a fact. I've no objection
to take a little, though my habits generally speaking are tem
perate, very."
" Yes," said the watchman, " you look as much like a tem
perance man as I do like a bishop. If I can't promise you
brandy and water, you may rely on getting coffee without
Sll g ar (this is the workhouse rations) come along," and
here the watchman struck his club against the curb-stone.
" A light breaks in on me," said the philosopher, " you're
a watchman are you not ?"
44 Well I is, hoss," said the Charley, " and you is "
" A gentleman in difficulties," said the philosopher.
" No you don't," said the watchman, " you don't come the
giraffe over me that a way, you is a great naturalist, and does
like to see the elephant, I knows you, now that I gets a full
look at you ; you is Tom Trotter, the loafer, and no mistake."
The watchman was not mistaken in his man, for Tom was
fully recognised by the Recorder yesterday and sent to take
coffee without sugar for thirty days.
KISSING A NEW YEAR'S CUSTOM.
MICK MAHONY, Mrs. Biddy Mahony and Nancy Don^hoe
were individually and collectively charged yesterday before
the Recorder, by the watchman, with disturbing the peace.
Miss Donahoe was a good-looking, round, red-faced, blve-
eyed girl. Mrs. Mahony was a hard-featured, sharp-nos^d
lady, with a tongue which seemed to operate on the principles
of perpetual motion; and Mr. Mahony was a humorous-look-
ing character, with a leer in his eye and a laugh playing about
the corners of his mouth, which were well calculated to excite
the jealousy of Mrs. M. when so comely a colleen ak Nancy
Donahoe was in the case.
The watchman was proceeding to state the charge with
loquacious verbosity, but Mrs. Mahony claimed of the cour f
the right to relate the matter herself, alleging that she was the
injured individual. As she would not be silent, the Recorder
assented, and she went on, her lord and master, Mick, looking
32 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
imploringly into her eyes in the meantime, and making an ap
peal to her pity in the following words :
" Biddy, Biddy, jewel, be aisy, and if ye can't be aisy, be as
aisy as you can."
Biddy heeded not the voice of the charmer, but proceeded.
" Well, ye see on New Year's night, yer aner, I had a nice
little tay party at me place ; and of coorse, whin the kimmecns
(tea equipage) was removed, we had a dhrop of punch in aner
of the night, though sarrah a dhrop of it did I take meself, on
account of the pledge."
" There's a good one !" said Mick, in sotto voce, turning to
Nancy Donahoe.
" Mrs. Mahony," said the Recorder, "you are too discursive
too prolix. 1 only wish you to state the cause of the riot
or disturbance."
" I'm comin' to the point, yer aner," returned Biddy.
" O, Biddy, acushla," said Mick, " ye know 'twas all a bit
of a joke a New Year's night frolic."
" A purty joke it was, ye desavin' villian !" exclaimed Biddy.
"That's the father of me four childher to be kissin' that
brazen-faced hussey there the instant ye got me back turned
and you purdindin' to be so jealous of Tim Doolin all the
time, that was me mother's cousin be his father's side, and "
u Mrs. Mahony," said the Recorder, " I cannot sit here and
listen to the genealogy of your family or the degree of con
sanguinity that exists between you and Tim Doolin. I again
call on you to come to the cause of the disturbance for which
you were all arrested."
" Well, thin," resumed Mrs. Mahony, " whin we were all
sated round the table, as happy as ye plase, chattin' and talkin'
about ould times, Mick sis to Harry Whelan, sis he < Harry,
avick, lit's have a song.' 'Always contint,' sis Harry. ' What'll
ye have, Mrs. Mahony ?' sis he to me. ' Plase yourself, Mis-
ther Whelan,' sis I, ' and ye plase me ;' so with that he com-
minced 'Hurra for O'Connell, who'll git us Repale!' Well,
he hadn't well begun it whin me bowld Mick sis c I beg yer
pardin, ginteels,' jist that a-way, quite purlitely like and up
he gits and walks out, and out he stays, and sarrah a sign- of
him there was comin' in whin the song, which has twinty
one varses in it, was incored. Well, yer aner, I begins to smill
a rat, and I ups and goes to the dure, and there I hears Miss
Donahoe, the forward minx, though she looks now as if
butthei wouldn't milt in her mouth singin' in great glee
THE WANDERING MINSTREL. 33
Rory O'More.' Well, I stales to the windy she lives nixt
Jure ail d, sure enough, whin she cum to the chorus of ' It's
eight times to-day that ye kissed me afore,' the vagabone does
shute the action to the word, and gives hr a smackin' thorum-
pogue ! Well, 'twas too much for flesh and blud to stand, so
of coorse I gev both of thim what they desarved I gev thim
sugar in their tay !"
" That's sufficient," said the Recorder. " What have you
to say, Mr. Mahony ?"
Mick smiled amorously, drew his hand over his face, and
looked archly between his extended fingers at Nancy Donahoe*
and Mrs. Mahony. He acknowledged the soft impeachment of
kissing Nancy, but pleaded in extenuation the privilege of do
ing so on New Year's night; and further, that Biddy kissed
Tim Doolin right forninst his face !
The Recorder viewed the affair in the same hilarious light
that Mick Mahony did, and discharged the parties on paying
jail fees.
THE WANDERING MINSTREL.
WHEN we entered the police office yesterday we cast our
eye along the file of prisoners as is our wont, with a view of
picking out a " character," just as Bonaparte would run his
quick glance along the lines to pick out a man for important
duty or promotion. To the right of the column we perceived
a prisoner whom we at once knew was above and beyond the
ordinary class, of lock-up prisoners. He had the bearing of an
Olympic god, the brow of Orpheus and the bust of an Apollo
Belvidere. We at once set him down as some body, and we
were not much mistaken. He was, or rather is, a musician
a fiddler a, man of quavers and crotchets, who kills time by
keeping time; who is at once the victor and victim of sharps
and players, and is played on by flats. The time was when
there was a halo of romance thrown round the troubadour or
the wandering minstrel when he could write a sonnet to his
" mistress' eyebrows," and accompanied by his harp or lute
sing it under her latticed window without the fear of intrusion
or interruption. But, alas ! the days of romance, like the days
of chivalry, are now passed, and if a "child of song" attempts
to tune his Cremona now in the highway or byway after gun
60
34 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
fire a Charley, with no more music in his soul than there is
animation in a pumpkin, comes up and hustles him off to the
.watchhouse before he can sound his A.
From the statement made by the watchman it appeared that
the prisoner, Jack Gamut, was arrested in Tchoupitoulas street
on Wednesday night, echoing the sounds of silvery music.
He was essaying,
" With sweetest touches to pierce his mistress' ear
And draw her home with music."
Thus went his song; his tune on his fiddle was somewhat
erratic^ not following exactly in the same musical track :
JACK'S SONG- Air, " The Minstrel -Boy."
The minstrel boy on a spree is gone,
In the street you're sure to find him ;
He plays on three strings instead of one,
Thus leaving Paganini behind him.
" ! spirit of music," the fiddler sung,
Should the Charlies not alarm me,
I'd rosin my bow 'till the evening's gun,
I'd play night and day to charm ye."
The watchman, who
" heeded not the song of the charmer,'*
came up and without parley, politeness, or explanation, took
the wandering minstrel off to the calaboose.
" Tour's is rather a hard case," said the Recorder, addressing
Jack Gamut.
U O, your honour," said Jack, " I don't care three thraw-
neens about the case; I'm mighty anxious about the fiddle
though."
" You are charged with disturbing the peace," said the
Recorder.
" Be gor, your honour," said Jack, " that's impossible ;
because the piece^ music, poethry and all was me own com
position."
" The watchman says you were annoying the whole neigh
bourhood," said the Recorder.
" O, the dirty haythen," said Jack, " sure he was fast asleep
when I comminced playin', and would not wake 'till mornin*
if it was not for me music ; and pon me sow], between you
and me, I think there's more merit due to me in wakin' him
up than there was to Orpheus, who made stones and trees
dance quadrilles, they say."
A MRS. CAUDLE IN COURT. 35
"Well, I'll discharge you this time," said the Recorder,
" but mind that you're never caught out serenading so late
again."
"O, may the bow string of your honour's life never be
broke," said Jack, " 'till its last jig is finished" and saying
this he left the court, nothing the worse for his night's
serenade.
A MRS. CAUDLE IN COURT.
MRS. TITMARSH, (a lady of the Caudle school,) and her hus
band, made something of a stir in the Recorder's court yester
day. The complaint made by the watchman was, that they
were disturbing the peace when he arrested them : but in what
manner, Mrs. Titmarsh would not permit him to tell : she
would not allow Mr. Titmarsh to explain, nor would she be
silenced by the Recorder. She evidently concluded there was
talking to be done; a-nd having no mean opinion of her own
powers of loquacity, was determined to take it all to herself
indeed, it seemed to be with her a " labour of love."
Recorder. ct Watchman, state the circumstances of these
people's arrest."
Mrs. Titmarsh. " Will your honour hear me ? I'm a decent
married woman, and have got three small children two of
them twins, that will be two years of age next 4th of July,
provided they get over the measles ; and, besides, "
Recorder. " And besides I don't see what your twins
have to do with the arrest. Let the watch "
Mrs. Titmarsh. " O, I don't want to have the ear of the
court poisoned by a watchman, that never had no twins in his
life that never had no husband to trifle with his feelings, and
that doesn't know nothing of how the tender sensibilities of a
confiding woman are lacerated and laid bare by the conduct
of an ungrateful husband. O, Tit, Tit !" and here she looked
a look both of mixed sorrow and of anger "O, Tit, Tit! I
knew it would come to this ! and what w%uld I care if it was
not for my little boy, that's at the public schools, and the two
little twins, that's at home with the negro. What "
Mr. Titmarsh, (in a peace-invoking voice.) u Well, dear,
it was your own fault. If you had held your tongue, the
watchman would have never minded us."
Mrs. Tilmarsh." My fan)* ! if I held my tongue ! O !
36 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
don't drive me mad, Titmarsh ! don't you talk to me about
holding my tongue ! How could any poor woman, with two
twins, hold her tongue- that would have such a husband
such a hypocrite of a husband, 1 may say, as you are ? O,
you "
Recorder. " I must hear, madam, why it was that you have
been brought before me."
Mr. Titmarsh. "It was all a mistake of the watchman,
your honour. Mrs. Titmarsh was speaking to me about some
domestic matter; she has a habit of sometimes speaking
rather loud ; so the watchman, thinking we were disputing, or
doing something worse, arrested us."
Mrs. Titmarsh. " O, this is all very fine, Tit very ! I
speak rather loud sometimes do I ? and of course you never
give me occasion not you ! harassed to death as I am,
taking care of my eldest child anil my two twins !"
Mr. Titmarsh." I never "
Mrs. Titmarsh. " O, don't talk to me, Tit ! I can't bear
your duplicity. 'You never." to be sure you never. You
never pretend to go to the temperance meeting, and instead of
going there spend the night at the ' Bunch of Grapes' with
your old pot companions, while me and my poor twins and
eldest child sit lonely and desolate at home. You never "
Mr. Titmarsh." Mrs. T., this is no place "
Mrs. Titmarsh. O, of course ! it's no place any place is
no place for me to open my mouth and let the public know
the way a poor, heart-broken woman, as I am, with my eldest
child and two twins, is treated by you. It is no place, I sup
pose, to tell how, when you said you were at mother's the
other night, you were at the Amphitheatre ; but what did you
care if little Tommy died of the whooping-cough ? you
wouldn't go to mother's for the cure you'd rather go to see
Madame Arraline dance the catchouca of course you would ;
and you'd rather go to the lake to eat a soft-shell crab supper
than take a comfortable cup of tea at home with your poor,
heart-broken wife, her eldest boy aud two twins. Yes, I was
speaking loud, antf I will speak loud, and I will "
Recorder. " That will do, madam, you may go, and so
may Mr. Titmarsh."
The fact was, that while the batteries of Mrs. Titmarsh's
volubility were levelled at poor " Tit," as she delighted to
call him, the Recorder saw a neighbour of theirs in court, from
whom he learned that the disturbance of the peace spoken of
THE SHAKSPEARIAN BOOT BLACK. 37
/
by the watchman, and for which they were arrested, was
nothing more than one of her usual lectures spoken before the
curtain, instead of beneath it.
THE SHAKSPEARIAN BOOT BLACK.
THERE is in one of our principal city hotels, a member of
the masculine gender and genus Afric, who is a decided char
acter, standing out in bold relief from those of his colour and
kind, like a figure-head from the prow of a war frigate. He
is of great muscular powers and athletic proportions, resem
bling, when he throws himself into one of his fancy attitudes,
a bronzed statue of Hercules. He is a fellow of " infinite
jest of most excellent fancy," and quite an amateur in all
that relates to theatricals. His voice is deep and sonorous as
a diseased kettledrum, and tragedy is therefore his forte. He
is eternally spouting Shakspeare, and he so humorously inter-
lardes his replies to the questions propounded to him by his
master's guests, that he is a perfect dyspepsia-dispeller, or
laughter-provoking machine.
Here follows a dialogue which he held yesterday morning
with one of the boarders.
About five o'clock A. M. the bell of No. 40 is vehemently
rang, and immediately Ca3sar is to be seen hastening along the
corridor, with a brow as pregnant of deep intent as that which
Macbeth wears when he crosses the stage to murder Duncan
in his chamber. He enters the room and places himself in a
deferential position to receive the orders of No. 40, who, by
the way is a perfect exquisite.
No. 40.W Aw ! Cesaw, is that you ?"
C<zsar, (in a treble base tone of voice.) " It is I,my lord !"
But at once assuming his natural dialect u Doesn't you want
nuffin, massa ?"
JVo. 40." Cesaw, what o'clock is it ?"
Ccesar.
" ' My lord, the early village cock,
Hath twice done salutation to the morn.' "
The negro again breaks out on him " Fac, sir, it's consider
able late ; missus is from the market long time ago."
JVb. 40. u Cesaw ! you aw a confounded boaw let me
have the mawnin' paper, fellow."
38 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
Casar. u Sartin, massa ; here's de Picayune dat's got
de news ob to-morrow in it yaw ! yaw !"
Here No. 40 looked interjections at Caesar, and the latter
fell back on his Shaksperian lore. He continued, handing him
the paper
" ' Read over this,
And after this ; and then to breakfast,
With what appetite you have.' "
No. 40 eagerly surveys the columns of the paper in pro
found silence, and in vain seeks in it for u Lines to Eliza,"
which he contributed, but whose merit the editor had not the
good sense to appreciate, and therefore consigned it to the
" barrel." He throws the paper down and involuntarily ex
claims u The die is cast my fate is fixed !"
Caesar, equally unconscious of No. 40's presence, solilo
quizes
" ' There's something in his soul,
O'er which his melancholy sits on brood:
And I do doubt, the hatch, and the disclose
Will be some danger.' "
But the sable ranter becoming himself again adds " Look hea,
massa, 'clar God, I believes you's 'fected wid what white folks
calls de tender passions : you had better take sarsaparilla, or
go ober de lake, right off."
Here the mellifluous voice of Biddy, the Hibernian house
maid, was heard kicking up a fuss generally on the stairs.
"Cayser! Cayser!" cried Biddy, " O, musha the divil burn
you, you thirty-first cousin of owld Nick, yourself and your
sheepskin wig; if you haven't the pride and assurance of Tom
Donahoe's meel cow, that would'nt give milk till they put a
pair of false horns on her, to be givin your shanakas to a gin-
tleman in his room at this hour of the morning, instead of
claynin the boots, Cayser !"
CasaT) (in a dignified and tragic tone.)
' ' ' Who is it that calls on me ?
I hear a tongue shriller than all the music
Cry Caesar ; speak ! speak ! Caesar is turned to hear.' "
Biddy. " O, you japanned taypot that's for iver spoutin;
come down and mind your wurk."
No. 40, who during this bit of by-play between Caesar and
Biddy, was wrapt up in his own reflections r whether he was
thinking of his " Lines to Eliza," of Eliza herself, or of a
morning beverage in the shape of a julep, is a mystery which
TOWERS IN TROUBLE. 39
is left for the development of after time ; but certain it Is that
he said to Cagsar " Fellow, go and quickly convey hither a
julep avvometic as the breath of morn."
w Ize de chil' to do dat, massa, in double shuffle time," said
Caesar, and closing the door, he proceeded to execute the or
der ; but conceiving that No. 40, instead of labouring under a
Platonic affection, as he first imagined, was slightly affected
with the man with the poker from the previous night's debauch,
he audibly uttered, a la Forrest, as he went down
" What a thrice double ass
Was I, to take this drunkard for a lord in love,
And worship this dull fool."
" He aint got no music in his soul, and blam' me if I don't
believe he aint got no money in his pus."
What passed between No. 40 and Cassar when the latter re
turned with the julep, is noted down for another chapter.
TOWERS IN TROUBLE.
THE business of Recorder Baldwin's court would have passed
off yesterday without any thing having occurred, beyond the.
usual monotonous routine of " found drunk," " could give no
account of himself," " disturbing the peace," " dangerous and
suspicious," had not Mrs. Julia Smith made her appearance
before the bench, and had she not been immediately followed
by Mr. Thomas Towers. Mrs. S. was dressed in a suit of
faded black calico, and wore a bonnet and veil to match. She
held by either hand two pledges of the mutual affection which
existed between herself and the late Mr. Smith, and occasion
ally took a pinch of rappee from a circular snuffbox. Mr.
Towers sported a seedy snuff-coloured frock, a gray, low bea
ver, with a large black riband round it, and chamois gloves,
which, from long use, had assumed a black polish. His two
cheekbones formed two promontories in his face, and the
ravages of the toothache left an indention in each of his jaws
which resembled the interior of egg-cups. " My dear Mrs. S."
said Mr. Towers, " we can settle this matter in an amicable
way, without making the thing public, and having our names
in the papers : do listen to advice."
" I'll do no such a thing," said Mrs. Julia Smith, in a voice
something like Old Corn Meal's falsetto " I'll do no such a
40 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
thing ; I'll let you see that you are not to abuse the children
of my late, poor, dear man, Mr. Smith ;" and the name of her
" late, poor, dear man" seemed to conjure up
" departed joys
Departed never to return "
for she buried her face in her pocket handkerchief and sobbed
most audibly.
" What's the matter with this woman ?" said the Recorder.
" O ! I'm a poor lone widder, your honour," said Mrs. Smith,
" and these are my horphans."
" Well, and what of that ?" said the Recorder.
" Why, that this here man, Mr. Towers, has abused ac
tually struck the little dears, and gave me sas when I spoke
to him about it."
" I pledge my honour to your honour," said Mr. Towers,
placing his right hand over his left vest pocket " I pledge
you my honour, I have done no such thing; I merely took my
specks from Tommy here, which he was tying round the
head of the cat, lest he should break them."
" Yeth you did," said the younger scion of the defunct Mr.
Smith yeth you did ; and you pulled my ear thoo."
"Never mind, Tommy my dear, never mind," said Mrs. S.,
imparting the kiss of parental affection on the pouting lips <^f
the miniature likeness of her late husband "the Recorder
will do us justice, Tommy."
" What is your complaint, madam ?" said the Recorder.
" Why Lor' love your honour, assault and battery, to be
sure !" said Mrs. S.
" State the nature of it," said the Recorder.
Mrs. Smith. " Why, as I was telling you," (she takes a
pinch of snuff.)
" You have told me nothing yet," said the Recorder.
The Recorder consented that Mr. Towers should open the
case.
Here Mr. Towers adjusted the specks upon his thin nose,
and begged the Recorder to listen to him and he would come
to the point at once.
" Well then, sir," said Mr. T., the naked facts are these"
" O, did you ever !" ejaculated Mrs. Julia Smith, when she
heard Mr. Towers use the phrase naked facts.
" The truth of the matter I say, sir, is this," continued Mr.
Towers, " I am not long a resident in this city : I was looking
LAYING GHOSTS AND RAISING SPIRITS. 41
out for a retired room : seeing a label on this lady's door, of a
'furnished room to let;' I asked her if I could live secluded,
were I to become her tenant. She answered ' yes :' said she
was a poor lone woman and saw no company. 1 at once said
to myself,
* if there's peace to be found in the world,
A man that loves quietness should hope for it here. 1
But how have I been disappointed ! Instead of silence, there's
an eternal uproar; this dear delightfully dirty little Tommy
here, broke the crystal of my watch, this morning ; that other
youth Bill, Bill Smith, was cutting the initials of his name on
the doorpost with my best razor on Monday, and he has
torn up some of my most valuable manuscripts to make paper
kites."
"You hear this, Mrs. Smith ?" said the Recorder.
" O, lor'-a-mercy !" says Mrs. Julia Smith, " Bill nor Tom
my never did nothing to no one."
The Recorder advised Mr. Towers to seek out some more
comfortable quarters told Mrs. S. that Mr. T. had done noth
ing which would subject him to criminal prosecution, and
discharged the case.
LAYING GHOSTS AND RAISING SPIRITS.
ON the name of Rory Regan being called out yesterday by
the Recorder's clerk, one of "the finest peasantry" and no
bad sample of prowess and potatoes either stood erect before
the Recorder. His attitude was not stiff, like that of a soldier
at drill ; there was a kind of classical ease about it. His right
foot firmly under him, his left was somewhat extended out
to an angle, and his arms were locked over his breast. He
would occasionally run his -right hand over his beard, or with
it smooth down the hair over his forehead. While the Re
corder was looking out for the charge made against him, Rory
gave a knowing wink of the eye at a couple of acquaintances
who were in court, as much as to say " Now, boys, won't
we have fun !"
" You are charged, Rory Regan," said the Recorder, " by
Mrs. Malone, with disturbing the peace of her house ; besides,
she fears, she says, personal violence from you."
Rory.- "What ! me disturb the pace of her house f me
42 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
offer her personal violence ! Oh, Recordher, jewel ! there
must be a mistake in this it can't be me ; Mrs. Malone must
mane some other ill-behaved blackguard. Sure she wouldn't
have the conscience to make sich a charge against her own
Rory, who'd knock saucepans out of any spalpeen that 'ud
say black is the white of her eye. It's all a mistake, sur."
Recorder. " We well let the lady speak for herself. Mrs.
Malone ! Officer, call Bridget Malone."
The officer obeyed his instructions, and Mrs. Malone
fat, fair and forty, dressed in a semi-mourning suit stepped
forward.
Recorder. " State, madam, on what you base your charge,
or rather your charges, for you make two of them."
Mrs. Malone^ (speaking in a pathetic tone ) u Oh, yer
honour, I'm a poor, lone widder, wid six childher, and Michael
two years dead. He was the quietest husband ye iver laid yer
two fine-lookin' eyes on, and " (Weeps.)
Recorder. " I have not a doubt, madam, of the many esti
mable qualities of your deceased husband ; but upon what
ground do you found your charges against Mr. Regan, I ask
again !"
Rory. " Oh, sorra a ha'porth at all, I'll engage, yer honour.
Mrs. Malone is the best nathured woman in the world ; but
there's times whin she's hard to handle, as we say. Don't
cry, Bridget darlin' ; ye know what happened last night was
done out of a bit of divarsion divil a more."
Recorder. "Silence, sir; let the woman state her charge."
Mrs. Malone. fc ' O thin, yer honour, it's I that has the
weighty charge of six small childher, and little Terry, that's
the image of his own father, rest his sowl, is down wid the
smallpox, and "
Recorder. " 1 tell you again, madam, I want to know why
it is you have made these charges against Mr. Regan. State
them at once, or I shall dismiss this case."
Mrs. Malone. " Oh, Rory is a desaver, yer honour ; and
it ill becomes him to thrifle wid the affections of a poor, lone
woman bavin' six small childher, and one of thim down in
the smallpox. Ye "
Recorder. " Are we never to hear the last of those six
small children ? Go on with the charge madam."
Mrs. Malone. "Well, yer honour, I was tellin' Rory,
some time ago, that I was dhramin' I saw Mick, God rest -his
sowl ! the night afore, us riathural as life^ but tb M t he looked
LAYING GHOSTS AND RAISING SPIRITS. 43
mighty crass entirely. ' Bridget,' sis Rory to me sis he,
4 it wasn't dhramin' ye wor, at all; it was Mick's ghost ye
saw. That was the very way Ned Shaughnessy appeared to
Nelly, afther he was kilt at the fair be the Coughlans, and
only the priest laid him heM be appearin' to her ivery night
sence.' c Oh, millia murther !' sis T, ' is it possible that Mick's
sowl isn't at rest ?' k How could it ?' sis he to me c how
could it, whin there's no one to take care of yerself and his
six childher ? How could any dacint man's ghost rest asy
undher the sarcumstances ? It 'ud be a mighty inane ghost
that would,' sis he "
Recorder. "Mrs. Malone, you have not said a single word
yet pertinent to the charge."
Rory. " O give her her own way, yer honour ; if ye crass
her at all she's as stubborn as Bill Buckley's pig ; and if ye
wanted to dhrive Bill's pig to Moate, ye should purtind that
ye wanted to take her to Ballycumber. She wouldn't put one
fut afore t'other for ye, unless ye did. Besides, "
Recorder. u Silence, sir ! Now, madam, (to Mrs. Malone)
tell me at once why it is that you have charged this man with
disturbing the peace of your house, and with being in fear of
personal violence from him."
Rory, (in a whisper to Mrs. Malone.) "Honour bright,
Bridget darlin' ! Ye know I laid Mick's ghost, and I'd lay
any fellow as flat as a pancake that dar say trap-sticks to ye.
Ye know I had a sup in last night, and didn't know what
1 was sayin.' I'll take the pledge to-day, and I'll make an
honest woman o' ye this day week, as sure as me name's Rory
Regan."
Recorder. " Proceed, madam."
Mrs. Malone. " I b'lieve I'll not go any farther, yer hon
our. There's no betther nathured boy than Rory whin he's
sober. He promises me that he'll take the pledge, and
(holding down her head) that he'll take care of meself and
the childher. Sure only for him I'll be frightened out o' me
life by poor Mick's ghost !"
Recorder. " Rory, are you prepared to enter into recog
nisances to do all this ?"
Rory. " I'll sign a bond, in the presince of the clargy,
that on this day week, the widow Malone will be Mrs. Rory
Regan, and that she will niver more have to fear ould Mick's
ghost."
- The Recorder dismissed the case, and Mrs. Malone left the
44 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
court in company with Rory, who, as he left the room, winked
over her shoulder at the officer who arrested him, saying
" Naubaucklish I there's no fear of Rory Regan while he can
lay ghosts and make a raise of sperrits !" which latter, in Rory's
vocabulary, meant whiskey punch.
A SCIENTIFIC SUBJECT.
"JONATHAN SLIMTAX," said Recorder Baldwin yesterday
morning, as soon as he had taken his place on the bench, with
the watch returns for the night in his hand. " Jonathan Slim-
tax !" Presently an individual in the prisoners' box rose on
his legs. His face was what physiognomists would call " pecu
liar," and his tout ensemble was what painters would call sin
gular. His hair was grisly, his eyes were as muddy as a pane
of glass after a weighty shower, his face was of a wheyish
colour, his nose was like a string bow, and his teeth were every
colour, like a painter's specimen of imitation marble. He
wore a bazine coat, with his arms out at the elbows; and his
trousers, with a loud voice, bespoke an acquaintance with the
washerwoman.
" Jonathan Slimtax," said the Recorder, a second* time.
" Sir, it is my humiliating fate to stand before your honour,' 1
said Jonathan, making that kind of bow-'to the bench,
which 'peculiar circumstances,' more than an innate feeling
of courtesy, draws forth.
(We now, for the first time, perceived large bundles of
manuscripts, tied round with dirty red tape, protruding from
Jonathan's coat pockets.)
"Mr. Slimtax," said the Recorder, "you were arrested at a
very late hour last night in Baronne street, and when the
watchman spoke to you, you were abusive t<5 him."
"The watchman, sir," said Jonathan, "transcended his duty
when he broke in upon my studies ; one five minutes more,
sir, had he not intruded, and my new, grand solar system was
complete Sir, I would have had Mars, Jupiter, Minerva, and the
whc'^ heavenly bodies, even Saturn, sir, with all his assemblage
of rings and moons, I should have had within the grasp of
my new and comprehensive theory, had he not intruded."
" Mr. Slimtax," said the Recorder, " if it is a part of your
eystem to be out at an unseasonable hour of the night, and
A SCIENTIFIC SUBJECT. 45
giving offence to the watchmen in the discharge of their duty,
the police laws of the Second Municipality do not tolerate such
conduct."
"Glad you spoke of laws," said Jonathan Slimtax, "I shall
now trouble the court to read my essay on constitutional law,"
and here he poked his hand into his pocket and pulled out a
whole file of his manuscript papers ; " beg the court's pardon,
one moment," he said, while turning them over, and at length ,
he pulled one out, folded in oblong form, and endorsed ' An
Essay on Constitutional Law, embracing the science as ex
pounded by the Medes and Persians, the Greeks and the Ro
mans, the Spanish law, the English law, the Code Justinian,
the Code Napoleon, and Civil Code of Louisiana, with notes,
by the learned Counsellor Nokes.'
" There, sir," he said, handing the document to one of the
officers for the inspection of the court ; u let the court look at
that; let him ponder over it; let him weigh well the princi
ples and the maxims, and the axioms it embodies, and let him
decide whether or not I am an ill used man ; whether or not
the world is not my debtor ; whether or not I am a living
instance of neglected genius !"
The Recorder said he had no doubt but that the prisoner's
essay was all which its author represented it to be, but he had
not time just then to examine its merits ; he was placed, he said,
by his fellow citizens on the bench not to criticise nor analize
essays written on criminal or civil law, but to pass that judgment
which he thought most meet on such members of society as
transgressed existing laws, and came within his jurisprudence.
" Aye, aye, sir," said Jonathan Slimtax, " I see most distinctly
your position ; 'tis a plain and straight forward one ; but, sir,
when you come to speak of society you touch directly on my
system you light, sir, at once, as it were, on my new work
for the regulation of man, the elevation of woman, and the
reorganization of society : here it is, sir, here it is, just read it
over, and give me your opinion of it while I remain here."
The document which he presented for the purusal of the
Recorder, numbered some five hundred pages, and his honour
very properly declined so Herculean a task.
Seeing that the prisoner was an enthusiast, he told him he
would let him go, but cautioned him against ever being caught
out so late at night again.
Jonathan promised his honour he never would, unless when
testing the truth of his " new grand solar system."
46 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
A SKETCH "OWER TRUE,"
HAVING A HOOSIER FOR ITS HERO.
AN original character is your genuine hoosier. By genuine
we mean such an one as has all the attributes that peculiarly
belong to the back woodsmen of the west one whose man
ners have suffered neither change nor modification by connex
ion or association with men of more conventional habits; one,
in a word, who, like the trees of his native forest, had no other
culture than that bestowed on him by nature. He may well
be called a genuine hoosier. There is an originality in his
phraseology, which, being the imitation of no other known
idiom, by none can it be successfully imitated ; and there is a
primitive freshness in his manner and appearance, which show
that while the fetters of fashion and etiquette enchain their
millions among what is called the " enlightened classes," he,
disdaining all such artificial incumbrances of both limb and
language, dresses as he willeth, and talks as he pleaseth.
Indeed, with the future antiquarian, it must be a matter of
mystery, to account for the noble stand taken by the hoosier
against the effeminate frivolity of our times, when almost all
of those who pique themselves on being more refined than
their fellows, are the victims of its enervating embraces.
So much for the hoosier in general, and now for the hoosier
in particular. One of them a fellow with thews and sinews
sufficiently strong to cope with a bear visited the city last
week, and here he still remains. As he is no bad specimen of
the class, we mean to chronicle, in part, his sayings and doings.
But first of his appearance, as he jumped from his flatboat on
to the Levee, when, by the way, he was heard to remark that
he " didn't see the reason of folks livin* 1 in a heap this way,
where they grew no corn and had no bars to kill."
He wore a clay-coloured linsey coat and pants, neither of
which were cut on the new system, or geometrical principles.
The woollen hat of opaque crown had been originally a muddy
white, but from exposure to the sun it had become a clay-colour
too ; his brogans were of a uniform colour so was his beard
A SKETCH U OWER TRUE." ' 47
and so was his hair. Though not the "embodiment," perhaps,
of "Clay principles," he was certainly the embodiment of
clay colouring.
After being in the city some dayf; after, in looking for the
"lions," having seen the "elephant," and after his funds had
become nearly exhausted or " whittled down to the small end
of nothing," as he himself classically expressed it he thought
he'd look out for a job to recruit his wasted finances. With
this view he was directed to an extensive contractor, and we
might add, as extensive an expander ; for he has men in almost
all parts of the city, repairing the older streets, re-paving
and expanding the newer ones. He met this Mc-Adam of the
Western world on Sunday last, standing near the entrance to
the St. Charles Hotel, or to use his own words, "he dropped
on him like a catamount on a coon." Of course the tedious
formula of an introduction was dispensed with, and ou
western hero bounded at once to matters of business.
He commenced " How are you, Squire how d'ye rise ?"
Contractor. " I am well, sir. Whom have I the pleasure
of addressing?"
Hoosier. "Why, Squire, my name's Ruth Ben Ruth ; but
you know, as I heard the player fello\v say in Louisville,
'there aint nothin' in a name.' Now you be a tolerable slick
lookin' feller yourself, but I'd have jest as great a respect
for you if your name was Smith John Smith. Names aint
nothin', no how."
Contractor. " Your liberality does you great credit. But
can I do any thing for you ?"
Hoosier. " I reckon. You see, the fact is, Squire, they
had an aZ-mighty deal to say up in our parts about Orleans,
and how a//-fired easy it is to make money in it, but it's no
l ham' and all 'hominy,' I reckon. But now, to skin the bar
at once, can you give me and five other gentlemen employ
ment ?"
Contractor. " If you and five other gentlemen will work
at the labour which I am having done, and for the wages
which I pay, five other gentlemen and you may go to work
to-morrow."
Hoosier. "Good as pork, Squire what do you give ?"
Contractor. '' Ten bitts a day."
Hoosier. " Why, Squire, I was told you'd give us two
dollar^ a day and eat %.<?."
48 PICKINGS PROM THE " PICAYUNE."
Contractor. " Two dollars a day and eat you ! Why,
zounds man, do you take me tor a cannibal ? Eat you !"
Hoosier. " Oh, hold your hosses, Squire. There's no use
gettin' riled, no how. 1 yeant that J heerd you'd give us two
dollars a day and throw in the ' chicken fixins' and ' corn
doins.' But you can't give it, you say?"
Contractor. " No, s?V."
Hoosier. " Well, as I aint flush in the financial way, I ac
cept. Let there be no mussing between us."
The Hoosier then learned from the contractor where his
office was, and at what hour he would be there next morning;
and there he was before the appointed time. Now it happens
that the bed-room of the contractor is immediately over his
office. He was yet in bed. and indeed asleep, when the hoo-
sier reached there, for it was not well five o'clock ; but he
wa.s soon awoke by a very loud, if not a very musical matin
effort of his western employe, singing:
" Hurrah ! hurrah ! the country's risin'
For Henry Clay and Frelinghuysen !"
" Let the country rise and be d !" said the contractor,
in a loud and petulant manner. "Who is that making such a
confounded noise there ?"
Hoosier. " A good mornin', Squire. Why, what on airth
keeps you in bed so long? Jt's a right nice mornin' to be
about, I tell you a fust rate mornin' to go on a hunt."
Contractor. U O you be shot! Are you prepared to go to
work?"
Hoosier. " I'm just awaitin' the worfl, as Sal Cummins
said when she was asked why she didn't marry. You didn't
know Sal, Squire did you ? She was an uncommon nasty-
lookin' gal, and "
Contractor. " O ] have not time to hear her history. Have
you a shovel ?"
Hoosier.-^-" No."
Contractor. " Then you can't go to work."
Hoosier. "But s'pose 1 buy one. What will it cost,
Squire ?"
Contractor. Ten bitts."
Hoosier. " Ten bitts ! why that's a day, Squire ten bitts
tnree hundred and sixty-five days fifteen years why,
Squire, I think I ain't worth more than five thousand shovels
at that kalk'lation."
; How are you, Squire-how d'ye rise IPage 47.
A SKETCH "OWER TRUE." 49
Contractor. " I didn't send for you, my friend, to study
Cocker's arithmetic. Get a shovel and go to work, if you
will ; if not, go about your business."
Hoosier. " 'Nuffsed."
He went, bought the shovel, and was shown the scene of
his labour, which was to be rooting or ripping up the old
paving stones in street. Before commencing operations,
however, he went into a merchant's office hard by, deliberate
ly stripped off the coat, vest and pantaloons he had on
hung them up, (giving the place the appearance of an old
clothes' shop,) and taking his working suit out of his saddle
bags, put them on instead of those taken off. The owner of the
office came in, and, of course, expressed his displeasure that
such a liberty should be taken by a stranger in his office.
The hoosier asked him if he thought him " darn'd fool enough
to dirty his Sunday-go-to-meetin' clothes ?" said he was
a-goin' to take a glass of ginger-pop, and that if he'd jine him,
he'd " sport ten cents !"
He is now working away mending our ways daily. He
complains that it don't come natural to him. "The Irishers,"
he says, " can beat him at it ;" but at making a " clearance,"
chopping wood, or working a flatboat, he boasts that he could
oeat a dozen of them.
61
50 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
LAP DOGS AND LOBELIA.
WHEN we entered the police office yesterday there seemed
to be nothing going on worthy of a paragraph. A few un
washed, miserable looking fellows sat in the dock waiting to
be disposed of. They seemed regardless whether their sen
tence should be thirty days or for life. They felt as if the
world Was a blank to them, and as if existence itself was but
a protracted punishment.
One Yankee looking policeman was whitling his stick ; an
other was making a rough draft, with his pencil, of a " Charley
on duty," and two more were discussing the pirate question.
A surreptitious edition of a lawyer, for the want of a more
lucrative practice, was ransacking the Code of Practice for
something which he seemed not to find, and the Recorder en
deavoured to look like a man in the midst of business, but he
" couldn't come it." *
But a few moments had elapsed ere this stillness was inter
rupted by the appearance of as odd looking a pair of litigants
as ever appeared before a judicial tribunal. Their approach
was the signal of an immediate change of scene from grave to
gay. The crowd outside the bar joined in a half suppressed
laugh ; the constables cried " silence !" and looked knowingly
at one another; the lawyer looked learned, and began to tell
the man next him, who had been fined for leaving his horse
on the sidewalk, of several important suits in which he was
professionally engaged in the " courts above," though we doubt
if he ever gets up to them ; and his honour adjusted himself
in his chair and made other demonstrations indicative of the
approach of important business.
" Maria Matilda Milden !" said the Recorder.
" Here, sir !" said a lady.
, " Doctor Lirandus Lobelia !" said the Recorder.
" Here, sir !" said a gentleman.
And the observed of all observers the lady and the gentle
man stood before him. The lady was but no matter about
her age. Her dress was faded, and so was her face; her fore
head was wrinkled, and so was her fan ; and we verily believe
that she had no bustle. She held affectionately in her arms a
French poodle dog, that looked as sulkily as if it had swal-
LAP DOGS AND LOBELIA. 51
lowed a poisoned sausage, and she seemed to regard him with
a species of parental attachment.
Doctor Lirandus Lobelia, too, was a queer looking customer.
He was thin and attenuated, and looked as if he had been the
victim of his professional enthusiasm as if, in fact, he had
been steamed to death, attesting the merits of his own system.
He wore specs no ! he did not wear them, but he used them
they were attached to a horn case, which he held in his
hand when he placed the glasses to his eyes which was, on
an average, about sixty times in every hour.
" Will Miss Milden come forward ?" said the Recorder.
" What charge have you to make against Doctor Lobelia ?"
u O, the monster '" exclaimed Maria Matilda ; " See the
condition in which he has left my poor dear doggy !"
And here she cast a protective kind of glance at the dying
quadruped. Little Pompey made an effort to bark his acknowl
edgments for his mistress' kindness, but failed in the attempt.
u Save your sympathy for some other time," said the Re
corder, " and state the particulars of your complaint."
" Why, sir," said Miss Maria Matilda Milden, " I noticed
that my little pet, Pompey, had been loosing his appetite for
several days ; on Sunday morning he refused his tea and toast,
and on Monday he woul 1 not eat a broiled kidney, which I
brought him from the market. I gave him some of Dr. Still-
man's highly concentrated compound of sarsaparilla and pills,
but they did not relief him. I then consulted Doctor Lobelia
here. I suggested phlebotomy, but he applied the herbaceous
process ; in fact, he steamed my poor dear doggy to death;"
and here Miss Milden applied her pocket handkerchief to her
orbits, and gave utterance to the following pathetic stanza :
" 'Twas ever thus, from childhood's hour,
I've seen my pets all fade away
My poodle dogs, my tabby cats
Victims to premature decay."
" Doctor Lobelia !" said the Recorder, " what have you to
say to this charge ?"
" f pledge my honour to your honour," said the disciple of
Thompson, holding his horn-case glasses to his eyes and look
ing attentively at the Recorder, Miss Milden and her poodle
dog; "I pledge you my honour, I acted purely in a profes
sional way. Lady sent for me asked my advice gave it
cautioned her against resorting to phlebotomy or sarsaparilla
the former practice having become obselete with the faculty ;
62 PICKINGS FROM THE PICAYUNE."
the latter, being a mere nostrum, repudiated by the regular
practitioner advised the immediate application of my own
* system,' as the only relief for the interesting animal she
consented (your honour will bear in mind she consented)
I then steamed him strong, administered bayberry tea, cayenne
capsicum, lobelia, pepsinay, and No. 2 and No. 6. If his
system was not previously too debilitated, my system \vill
most certainly work a radical cure. Your honour sees I have
prescribed nothing that did not come within the legitimate
sphere of my system."
" May it please the court," said the lawyer to whom we
referred as looking over the Code of Practice, and who it ap
pears had been retained by Miss Milden "May it please the
court, we bring three separate and distinct charges against the
defendant. First, we charge him with practising in contra
vention of the rules of the Medico-Physico Society ; secondly,
we charge him with the loss of the dear canine creature ; and
thirdly, we charge him with cruelty to animals. Your honour,"
he added, " is imbued with so much of the finer feelings of
our nature, yonr mind is so surcharged with the milk of human
kindness, that it would be a work of supererogation on my part
were I to dwell on the loss which my client sustains in being
forever deprived of the society of her favourite dog. He was
her ever-faithful companion ; and when friends forsook her
when kindred grew unkind when lovers became deceitful
when the world, the whole world, proved cold and ungenerous,
her little Pompey alone, of all the things that live, move, breathe,
and have a being therein, was her constant and unremitting
attendant. If she seemed sad, he howled his sympathy in
piteous wailings ; and if joy, peradventure, sat on her counte
nance, his frisking and gambols showed that that little dog had
a heart, more sympathetic than that of many human beings.
And may it please the court "
" Stop !" said the Recorder, " I have heard enough of this
case to know that this court has no jurisdiction over it. I
therefore dismiss it."
The lawyer expressed his determination to bring the case
before a higher tribunal.
Miss Milden left the court patting her poodle dog, and shed
ding tears over his anticipated approaching dissolution.
Doctor Lobelia pledged his professional reputation, that he
would still restore the animal to health and vigour, if allowed
the unrestricted application of his own " system."
A BREACH OF PROMISE. 53
A BREACH OF PROMISE.
" WHAT is the next case ?" said the Recorder to the clerk,
when he had disposed of some four or five remnants of wretch
edness, against whom the stereotyped charge of " drunk and
jisturbing the peace" had been entered.
" The next," said the clerk, " is Moran vs. Gordon."
" Call them," said the Recorder.
Clerk. (loud) " Gregory Gordon ?" (louder)" Greg
ory Gordon ?" (still louder) " Gregory Gordon ?"
" Here, your warship," said a man with a broad Scotch
accent, in a very seedy coat, a very snuffy vest, and very dilapi
dated pants.
" Why did you not answer when your name was first
called ?" said the clerk.
Mr. Gordon. Why, for the vera beest o' reasons. You see
my hearin' is nane o' the beest, and it's sae lang sin' I became
partially deaf, that I dinna ken the time ; but my mither a'ways
tald me that "
Clerk. " No matter what your mother told you ; we have
heard enough on the subject of your deafness now. Mary
Moran ?"
" I'm here, your honour, and I'll be there in a jiffy," said a
voice at the opposite end of the court ; " I want to transphort
that decayvin' thief. I'll swear me life and the lives of me
four innocent chilthren agin him. O ! the Lord be good to
your sowl, Martin Moran !" The voice that uttered this told
that its owner was from the west of the Shannon. She was
in her widowhood ; and this prayer was sent forth for her
deceased husband.
In the shortest space of time she made her way up to the
bench ; and as she looked on Mr. Gordon, who was just
helping himself with great composure to rather a plentiful
pinch of Maccaba, she evidently, with greatest difficulty, sup
pressed her pent-up indignation.
"Now state your charge, Mrs. Moran," said the Recorder;
" of what do you accuse this man ?"
" Of what do I accuse him ?" said Mrs. M., seeming sur
prised that the Recorder was not already aware of the nature
and extent of Mr. Gordon's trangressions : 4C I accuse him of
murther takin' me oun life and the life of me chilther, be
54 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
raison of the sarrow and grief brought on me back. O ! the
Lord be good to your sowl, Martin Moran !"
" Why, please your honour," said Gordon, " you must na
b'leeve a' this woman tells you. It's fac' as deeth, I b'leeve
she's daft: sometimes she's a guid, kindly body; but, ma
conscience ! at ither times she's the vera deil vvi' her tongue."
Mrs. Moran. " Won't your honour hear me ? Don't listen
to that sootherin rogue : he'd coax the birds off the bushes,
so he would. Wasn't it his sweet talk tellin' me he was a
Scotch nobleman, and that he only wanted money lo put him
in possession of the family estate, when he'd make me a happy
woman wasn't it such palaverin as that ruined me kracter ?
O! the Lord be good to your sowl, Martin Moran !"
Recorder. " Well, it would appear as if this case were des
tined to be as tedious as a suit in Chancery. Can you tell me
(addressing Mr. Gordon) the facts mind I say the facts of
this case ?"
" Wi' the greatest pleesure, your honour," said Gordon,
pulling out his horn snuff-bob, priming his nose with a por
tion of its contents, and presenting the titillating powder very
courteously to the Recorder, " Mrs. Mooraan," he continued,
" is a widow leedy."
Mrs. Moran. " O ! the Lord be good to yer sowl, Martin
Moran !"
Police Officer." Silence, Madam."
Mr. Gordon. " Weel, as I was sayin', ye ken she's a widow
leedy, and I agreed wi' her to teach her eeldest son the rudi
ments of a classical education and the prooper pronoonciation
o' the English language; Maartin is the boy's name "
Mrs. Moran. " Yis, he was called afther me darlin', dead-
and gone, first husband. O! the Lord be good to yer sowl,
Martin Moran."
Recorder. "Keep that woman silent."
Mr. Gordon. Weel, as I was relaatin', I was to have my
board and lodgin' for instructin' the boy ; but I found he had
nae the genius for learnin', so I told Mrs Mooraan, as a coon-
scientious mon, that I thought o' brakin' off the agreement."
Mrs. Moran. " There it is, yer honour there it is ! Doesn't
the decaver admit himself that he bruck off the match ? Can't I
ehue him now for a brache o' promise. Jf O! the Lord
be good to yer sowl, Martin Moran !"
Mr. Gordon. "There noo, your honour sees the wooman's
intellect is disturbed. Why, your honour, I ne'er spoke o' mar-
A FIGHT ABOUT THE FASHIONS. 55
riage to her in a' my life, for I have got as bonnie a wife and five
as beautiful bairns at home in Scotland as you would see from
Land's-End to John o' Groats."
"What!" exclaimed Mrs. Moran, in a shriek of surprise
" a wife and five childer in Scotland ! O ! the Lord be good to
yer sowl in glory, Martin Moran!"
Here Mrs. M. swooned off in true theatrical style, and was
carried out of the court. The Recorder told Mr. Gordon he
was dismissed ; that if Mrs. Moran thought fit to sue him for
a breach of promise of marriage, she was at perfect liberty to
do so ; though, as a friend, he would advise her to adopt a
different course, and say no more about it.
A FIGHT ABOUT THE FASHIONS.
' 'Tis all the fashion, the fashion they say,
'Tis the whim of a moment and lives but a day."
MEN are not more the slaves of their passions than women
are of their fashions, and the old adage is literally true, that a
woman would rather be out of the world than out of the fash
ion. There were two pale, bilious, interesting looking young
ladies up before Recorder Baldwin yesterday, each of whom
was ardent if not eloquent, in detailing her wrongs. The
name of one of them was Jane Jones, and that of the other
Eliza Spriggins. Both of them wore their hair in ringlets
wore short bonnets which covered a part of the head but no
part of the face, and net-work gloves which covered the
hands, but no part of the fingers. When either spoke, she
shook her head with such vehemence that her ringlets got into
the most disturbed confusion, and she looked like the heroine
of a melo-drama.
" I'll let you know, Miss Jones," said the amiable Miss
Spriggins " I'll let you know you can't offend a lady in her
own house that lives by her needle, and han't got no natural
protector I'll let you know that law is law in New Orleans."
"Yes, and I'll let you know," said the equally interesting
Miss Jones, " that fashions is fashions in New Orleans, and
that you don't know nothing about them only what you get
from the Ladies' Magazine that you are not to spoil a lady's
silk dress, and afterwards give a lady impudence."
" What is the cause of this noise?" said the Recorder.
" Miss Jones is," said Eliza Spriggins.
56 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
"Your honour will find, when you hears the case," said Jane
Jones, " that I'm the agrieved party."
" Well, let us hear what you have got to say," said the
Recorder.
" Well, this here young woman, you see, sir, says she's a
dressmaker, but I believe she is nothing more than a tailoress.
I told her I was going to get a silk dress made with tight
sleeves, in the Elssler fashion : she said she could give it any
kind of a cut, but she has given it no kind of a cut ; and she
cut me with her scissors when I spoke to her about spoiling
my dress. Instead of making the sleeves tight they are the
old fashioned bishop sleeves; and instead of putting in the
Elssler buttons, she has substituted hooks and eyes."
Eliza Spriggins said, though the complainant's story seemed
'fine as silk,' there was not a word of truth in it. When she
brought home the dress to Miss Jones it fitted her to a T,
she seemed much pleased with it; and it was only when she,
Eliza, asked for payment that she heard any complaints, or
was told about the Elssler buttons and the tight sleeves.
The Recorder said he did not sit there to decide on the
female fashions. If either of the fair complainants had an
information to lodge for a breach of the peace, he was pre
pared to receive it.
Miss Jones didn't think it was lady-like to make oath in
court ; and Miss Spriggins didn't want to take ' no oath,' she
only wanted the sum due her for making the gown.
The Recorder dismissed the case, telling her to apply to one
of the city court judges for redress.
Miss S. pulled her veil down off her little bonnet and over
her pale face ; she shook her head and her ringlets at the
same time, and said she was determined to have justice.
TURKEY AND GREASE,
OR DOMESTIC ECONOMY EXEMPLIFIED IN THE PREPARATION
OF GOMBO.
A CASE came before one of our associate city court judges
a few days since, in the decision of which gourmands, gom bo-
eaters, epicures, and every body are interested. The plaintiff
in this instance was Municipality No. Two, through its organ,
TURKEY AND GREASE. 57
the commissary of the Poydras street market : the defendant
was a dark eyed Italian, with a scowl on his countenance like
that which played no, which sullenly brooded over the
features of the captain of the noted Forty Thieves. His name
another proof that there is nothing in a name his name is
Romeo, but as unlike the gallant, captivating, romantic Romeo,
who wooed and won the gentle Juliet, the heir and hope of
Capulet's patrician house, is he, as a burnt pine-tree stump is
unlike the tall and graceful palm as a mud pool is unlike
the sparkling, limpid rivulet. The charge against Romeo
oh, that one with so fair a name ever peddled fowl : it seemeth
to the Shakspearian ear " most foul and unnatural" but the
charge against him, we were about to say, was, that he sold
stale turkeys, which it was hinted were stolen, and that he
did it exposed his stale turkeys contrary to the ordinance
in that case made and provided.
The difficulty which presented itself in the trial seemed to
be, to determine what was a stale turkey, according to the
meaning and intent of the statute. The point was a nice one,
and we are not sure that an appeal does not lie in the case.
The commissary brought forward witnesses men of unim
peachable veracity who had seen, felt and nosed the turkeys
in the market. Their object was to establish the /act that the
turkeys died and were not killed, or, as an Irish witness ex
pressed it, that they died before they were killed. One witness,
who showed a deep research and most familiar knowledge in
the diagnosis of diseases of fowls in general and turkeys in
particular, went on to show that the lean and attenuated state
of the turkeys must have proceeded from an affection of the
heart ; they were western turkeys, he said, and western turkeys
were never known to thrive when they come south a circum
stance which he attributed to that love for the place of one's
nativity which operates similarly on the Swiss and the turkeys.
Although the testimony strongly favoured the presumption
that the turkeys paid the debt of nature before it was extorted
from them by violent means, the fact was not clearly estab
lished ; and in this state was the case when Romeo was called
on for his defence. Romeo muttered something in the lan
guage in which Dante sung, and making certain pantomimic
signs, he pointed to a mercurial little Frenchman who stood
near him ; his gestures seemed to say, u Here is one who will
tell you all about it."
Jean Duval, Romeo's principal witness, was called forward,
58 PICKINGS FKOM THE u I'lCAVUKE."
and, like the dead turkeys, he was not encumbered with any
superabundant or superfluous flesh.
u What do you know about these turkeys, Mr. Duval ?" said
the judge.
Jean. " I know all de ting 'bout dem."
Judge. "Let us hear what it is, then ?"
Jean. " Vel, you sees, monsieur Judge, I keeps what you
calls one fus rate, one gran' restaurat. I keeps de turkeys boil,
de turkeys roas', de turkeys fricassee, de turkeys gombo, de tur
keys ebery way. Romeo be my marchand. I say, 'Romeo,
you bring me turkey to boil, eh ?' and he says, ; oui,' and bring
him ; and I say, ' Romeo, you bring turkey for roas' fine fat
fellow, eh ?' and he says 4 oui,' and he bring him : and I says,
1 Romeo, you brings me two turkeys to-day for de gombo no
fat, but smell strong, eh ?' and he says ' oui,' and he brought
me dem vera two turkeys."
Judge. " Then am J to understand that these two turkeys
were brought to market by your order and for your special
use ?"
Jean. u Certainement, monsieur Judge : you see dey be de
vera bes' for make de dark, de real Parisian flavour gombo.
Wid de turkey what's got de real strong smell you want none
but half pepper, half salt, half onion, half garlic : it be all
nat'ral seasoned itself."
The judge said he had no doubt but there was great culinary
economy in buying a demi-decomposed turkey and converting
it into gombo, but it was contrary to the Municipal ordinance
to expose them for sale in the public market, and he would
therefore fine Romeo for the act $15, which he did.
Romeo paid the money, but looked as if he would rather
kill the judge than a turkey; the Frenchman shrugged his
shoulders, and exclaimed "Mon Dieu !" and the commissary
looked as important as if some great constitutional question
had been decided in his favour.
AN ENTHUSIASTIC PHRENOLOGIST.
AMONG the prisoners in the Recorder's box yesterday, there
was a short, shabby, sharp-nosed man. His coat was snuff
colour, and there was neither hair nor hat on his head. He
vore large green glasses, and seemed not to reflect for a mo-
AN ENTHUSIASTIC PHRENOLOGIST. 59
ment that the terrors of the calaboose stared him in the face.
He kept running his hands over the heads of his fellow pris
oners, now giving a shake of despair to his head, and again
giving evidence of inward exultation. He had to be called to
order several times by the peace officers.
w George Briskman !" said the Recorder.
There was no reply.
" George Briskman !" said the Recorder again.
" Why don't you answer when you hear your name called ?"
said a police officer, going over and giving the arm of the little
man in the snuff-coloured coat a shake ; it was extended out
feeling the head of his next door neighbour.
The little man rose, and with what he intended for dignity
replied
u When the court affixes to my name those initials of pro
fessional distinction, with which the unanimous voice of the
faculty has honoured me, then, and not till then, do I feel
bound to answer any questions."
" What is your name," said the Recorder.
" Dr. George Briskman, M. D." said the little man with the
hairless head, " a name which I trust will need no sculptured
urn to perpetuate my scientific fame, when I sleep among the
clods of the valley."
" Mr. Briskman," said the Recorder, u you are charged with
being found intoxicated last night and offering resistance to the
watchman who arrested you."
u What, sir," said the little man, " I intoxicated ! I offer re
sistance to the watchman !" and he seemed to appeal to the
ceiling of the court instead of the judge, to witness the falsity
of the charge, and then dropping down on the seat after the
most melo-dramatic fashion, he said in a subdued voice, u yes,
yes, I was, I was (He jumps suddenly up, and in a loud voice
continues) "I was intoxicated, drunk, delirious, sir, but it
was not with alcohol I am intoxicated now, sir, but it is the
effect of those copious libations which I have quaffed at the
fountain of science. I have not resisted the watchman, may
it please the court, but I have resisted the ignorance of the age
I have battled against the prejudices of narrow minds, and
I have opposed those who would arrest the march of intellect.
This, sir, I have done, and this I shall continue to do till my
new theoretical system of phrenology becomes universally
known till the lines on men's heads, sir, like the labels on
otlles in apothecaries stores, tell their contents ; in a word,
GO PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
sir, till the minds of mankind are seen at a single glance through
the telescopic lens of Briskmatfs new system of Phrenology."
" Nonsense," said the Recorder, " all this has nothing to
do with the charge."
" Well sir," said George Briskman, M. D. " I'll prove it.
Here for instance is my own head it is not naturally bald,
sir, but I have made it so that I might lecture with the greater
facility on my new system ^another sacrifice of mine, sir,
to science you perceive, sir, how distinctly the lines are
marked " [Here he traced out the different bumps with the
fore-finger of his right hand] " benevolence large veneration
very well developed hope quite prominent "
"That will do," said the Recorder, " we are not prepared
now to hear a lecture on phrenology what have you to say
to the charge ?"
" Will the court indulge me for a moment ?" said the man
with the new system ; and without waiting to see whether the
court would or not, he proceeded
" Here, sir," he said, clapping his finger behind the ear of a
big Irishman, who was by his side, and whose face was orna
mented by a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose " here is
another illustration of my new system. Why, sir, his bump
of combativeness swells out like a mountain ; nor, sir, is
amativeness hid on the head of this individual [He ran his
fingers round to the back of the Irishman's head] here, sir,
the bump of amativeness is very large indeed very large
quite a protuberance !"
The Recorder, seeing, that the little man in the snuff-coloured
coat was an enthusiastic disciple of Spurzheim and Gall, more
sinned against than sinning, said : u Well, Doctor George
Briskman, M. D., I shall let you go this time on paying your
jail fees."
" One moment, may it please the court," said the little bald-
headed man : " There, sir," he said, pointing to a Dutch boy,
who was arrested for pulling cotton out of the bales lying on
the Levee : " there, sir, is an extraordinary head ! How large
acquisitiveness and constructiveness! no locality no eventu
ality ! and, except the watchman who arrested me last night,
I never, in the whole course of my experience, met any one
who has adhesiveness so large O, that 1 had a cast of that
boy's head !"
" You cannot take it now," said the Recorder : a Go out."
The little man was shown the way out by a police officer,
ON A JOLLY SPREE. 61
and as he went he said with exultation " How wonderfully
rapid is the progress of my system I How the dark clouds of
ignorance are being driven from society by the bright sun <jf
phrenological science ! Happy age ! Glorious era !"
The little man having been disposed of, the rest of the
prisoners were taken up and disposed of in turn.
ON A JOLLY SPREE.
THERE was a large batch of "spreeing coves" brought up
before the- Recorder yesterday. They occupied the side seat
within the bar, and looked like men going through the principal
ordeal of sea-sickness. If not of the swell mob, they seemed
to be of the semi-swell mob. The crown of one customer's
hat hung out on one side, like the lid of a tea canister. The knot
of another's stock was turned back under his ear. The coat
of a third, he being half whig and half locofoco, had divided,
and was split up the back centre seam to the collar. The
4 ducks' of another seemed to have been paddling in the puddle,
as all ducks will be. Each and every one of them was branded
with the marks of dissipation. Their names, as they appeared
on the watch returns, were John Smith, Bill Brown, Charley
Jones, Jonathan Swiller, Patrick O'Shaughnessy and Duncan
McPherson.
" Watchman McManns," said the Recorder.
" Here, sur," said Mr. McManus, making his way up to the
bench.
" What have these men been doing ?" asked the Recorder.
" O they were cutting up all kinds of shines," said McManus ;
" knocking over the ashes barrels, shying stones at the lamps,
kicking at doors, and disturbing the peace of the whole city.
I thought, your honour, they were out of their sinsis."
" John Smith," said the Recorder.
" I assure you hiccup I assure you, Mr. Chair, that I
never sung a song hiccup but my particular friend, Brown,
will favour the company ; wont you ?- hiccup wont you,
Brown, old boy ?" and" here he gave Brown, who sat next him,
a warm slap on the shoulder.
" Silence ! keep order in court," said several of the police
officers.
" Chair ! chair ! chair !" vociferated Smith, Brown, Jones
and Co.
62 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
Order was temporarily restored, and the Recorder proceed
ed V '
" Bill Brown."
Bill, on hearing his name pronounced, made an effort to
move, and his head gave a galvanic motion to either side like
that of a Dutch doll. He managed, however, to get on his
legs, and looking wildly around him he said
"Gentlemen gem'en, I'll give you hiccup I'll give you>
entlemen, the American Eagle !"
" Silence ! sit down, said the officer, going over to Brown,
placing his hands on his shoulders and pushing him into his
seat " sit down sir."
The course being again clear, the Recorder proceeded
" Charley Jones."
" M-m-m-Mr. Chairman," said Jones, his c e_ye in a fine
phrensy rolling,' " I respond to the call "
" Bravo, Jones ! bravo, Jones ! Jones' song ! song !" shouted
the half dozen fuddled prisoners, and before the officers had
lime to interpose, Jones was singing
" 'Tis the star-spangled banner,
And long may it wave
O'er the land of the free,
And the home of the brave !"
Jones was soon made to shut up, and Jonathan Svviller's
name was called by the Recorder.
" Wai, Squire," said Jonathan, " I kalk'late I was on an
almighty big bender last night, I tell you, and the way we did
walk into the highly concentrated hard cider or as you
city folks call it, sham-pag-ne worn't slow, I tell you ; goody
gracious, if mother knew I was carrying on so !
Jonathan was silenced, and Patrick O'Shaughnessy was
called.
"Gintlemen, said Patrick, "unaccustomed as I am to
public spaykin', it can't be expicted I'll make a great speach
intirely, but I'll howld any man twinty dollars that New
York will go for Van Buren, body and sowl, Sixth Ward and
all."
No one seemed to notice Pat's speech, or his bet, and the
Recorder called
" Duncan McPherson."
"Awe weel, mon," said Duncan, "I have tauld Patrick
cover and oover again na to be so foond o' makin' his bleth-
?rin' speeches and thrawin' away his siller on k<n ; if he
THE SCHOOL MASTER ABROAD.
63
waats a wee bit he'll ken all aboot the elections without bet-
tin', but the mon is daft I believe."
The Recorder thought that not only Patrick, butMcPherson
himself, and all their companions were daft, so he fined them
ten dollars each and discharged them.
THE SCHOOL MASTER ABROAD.
ALEXANDER PERSSE, a man who looked like a long used,
badly bound edition of Essays on Intemperance, was found " on
the shelf," or rather on the banquette in Philippa street, on
Wednesday night. He was " very well, I thank you." Persse
teaches the young idea how to shoot ; but finding that he could
not keep pace, we suppose, with the march of intellect, he lay
himself down on the banquette, either to store his mind with
new inspiration or to arrange the ideas with which his mind
was already stored, and prepare for another start off in the in
tellectual race.
"Who is here?" said the watchman when he came up to
Persse, stirring him up with his long pole " Who's here ?"
" I am, thou art, he, she or it is," said Persse, launching at
once into the sea of his vocation, and taking the tone of hi?
language from the " shop."
"You is high," said the watchman.
" I deny, sir, that I am high," said Persse " All our authors,
sir, who have written on the language, agree in saying that
high is an adjective, because, sir, it expresses a condition or
quality ; now, sir, I am Alexander Persse, a noun a noun
proper, sir, of the first person, masculine gender, singular num
ber see here, old fellow, let us drink and I am I am, sir,
nominative case to the verb drink. Now, sir, confess your
error when you say I am high am a mere adjective.
"Come along to the watchhouse," said Charley.
" No, sir," said Presse, "I shall decline it, and in a manner
strictly in accordance with the principles of Etymology ; thus,
sir, come, came, come. Now, sir, the conjugation is equally
simple, thus I come, thou comest, he, she or it cometh or
comes.
"This here's all nonsense," said Charley, who was getting
out of patience with the learned grammarian.
" ITes, sir," said Persse, "you are perfectly right; nonsense
64 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
is a kind of compound word, combining both a negative and
an affirmative this, sir, is one of the idioms peculiar to our
language."
" I wont hear no more of it," said Charley ; and making a
lever of his right arm he raised Persse, and put him on his legs
in a perpendicular position.
" That that," said Persse, " has been done without violating
in the slightest degree the recognised rules of grammar ; per
example 1 rise, thou risest "
Charley, without saying another word, placed his arm round
that of Persse's as a retainer, and walked him off to the watch-
house.
" Your actions, sir," said Persse to Charley, " are those of
a scholar and if I mistake not, are agreeable to the second
rule in Syntax, which says that two or more nouns in the sin
gular number, joined together by one or more copulative con
junctions your arm and mine as in the 'present case, for
instance must have verbs, nouns and pronouns agreeing with
them in the plural number so that instead of J go, or you go,
it is we go. You understand, don't you ? I know you do.
u Yes, I understands you're a blamed fool," said Charley ;
and in a minute or two more Persse's name was on the books
of the watchhouse.
" Persse," said the Recorder to him yesterday morning,
" you were found lying on the banquette."
" Yes, may it please the court," said Persse, " I was illus
trating the neuter verb to lie."
" What business do you follow, Mr. Persse ?" said the Re
corder.
" I am a professor, sir, of the polite languages," said Persse.
" Your language was any thing but polite in the watchhouse
last night," said the Recorder.
" I may have been, thou mayest have been, he, she or it, at
some period of their lives, may have been in a subjunctive
mood, or represented under a certain condition," said Persse.
" I shall let you go this time," said the Recorder.
" Verbum sal sapienti, or as the vulgar translation has it,
N. S." said Perssee, and he left the ofliro.
' , 1
A S.COTCH MELODIST. 65
A SCOTCH MELODIST.
RECORDER BALDWIN had lots of business on hand yester
day. We shall dispose of them by the lot ; but before doing
so there are some one or two of them to whom we would pay
our devoirs.
First there was John Wilson, " fra the land o' cakes." John
is an ardent admirer of the poetry of his countryman, Burns ;
but a more ardent admirer of the ardent. His face is as parti
coloured as a Scotch plaid, and as inexpressive as a Scotch
haggis. When the watchman met him he was apostrophizing.
in the words of his national poet, a bottle of Monongahela
\vhich he held in his hand, and from which, ever and anon,
he took a swig; but whether to the tune of Old Hundred, or
" Cauld Kail in Aberdeen," the watchman for the life of him
could not tell. Thus he sung :
" Thou clears the head o' doited Lear,
Thou cheers the heart o' drooping care,
Thou strings the nerves o' labour saer
At's weary toil.
Thou ever brightens dark despair
Wi' glowing smile."
" Silence," says Charley, with all the dignified gravity of
the chairman of a ward meeting " silence, feller. You seems
to be a musical character, eh ?"
John Wilson, inspired by the contents of his bottle, though
moneyless, was all melody. He continued his song, regardless
of the watchman or
" The thousand ills that rise where money fails
Debts, threais, and duns; bills, baliffs, writs and jails."
" Yon seems to be a great wocalist," said Charley, speaking
much louder than before; "you is wery musical."
" Musical ?" said Wilson, bringing his legs into two sides of
a triangle, placing his arms akimbo, giving a hiccup, and loo 1 -
ing at Charley as wonderful as if he were a " warlock," or a
44 bogle," "musical!" he reiterated, "musical! aye, you're
right mon," recollecting himself; "I occasionally play a little
on the Scotch fiddle, but I'm a poor hand at it, mon ; I'm a
poor hand at it noo ha ! ha ! ha !" Wilson here made an
attempt to laugh at his own wit, but Charley thought the laugh
was against himself, and though the old saw says a cat may
62
66 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
laugh at a king, he felt that a watchman was not to be laughed
at with impunity, and without more ado he took Wilson to the
watchhouse.
" Wilson," said the Recorder to him yesterday morning,
"you were drunk last night."
" Weel," said Wilson, " 1 dinna ken any thing aboot it ; I
might ha' had a wee drop or so in my e'e."
" The watchman says," said the Recorder, " that you were
making a noise and disturbing the peace too."
" O perhaps," says Wilson, " I was liltin a soong or the like,
but I was na fou."
" Why were you out so late ?" said the Recorder.
" Why for the vera best o' reasons," said Wilson, "because
1 hadn't a single baubee to get my lodgings."
" Well, I shall let you go this time," said the Recorder.
" Weel," said Wilson, " that's unco' kind o' your oonor,
considering the rough manner in which the watchman treated
me yestreen. Gude mornin' to your oonor," and he sloped.
AN IRISH ROW.
MICHAEL GATELY and Andrew O'Grady occupied a front
seat in the Baldwin Omnibus, or prisoner's box yesterday
morning.
" Ah ! sure a pair never was seen
So justly formed lo meet by nature;"
'Twos plain they'd on the " batter" been,
So battered was their every feature.
Gately had a black crescent round his eye like an eclipse
on a segment of the sun ; his front teeth were out, and the
vacuum resembled the Croton aqueduct on a small scale; his
cheeks were swelled out like Clayton the aeronant's balloon
when inflated with gas; his hair appeared in as confused a state
as if the Natchez tornado had passed through it; and between
blood and wounds his whole countenance might be compared
to a badly painted map of the battle of Tippecanoe.
O'Grady was so like Gately, the partner of his sprees, his
fighting and his fame, that if they were both put into the wheel
of the Grand Real Estate Lottery, one might be drawn out in
mistake for the other, unless they were separately and dis
tinctively numbered.
AN IRISH ROW. 67
The charge against them was for fighting and disturbing the
peace, and from the marks, wounds and contusions which they
bore, it was evident that they had given but the half of it
that where the hottest of the fight was there must they have
been.
" Gately," says the Recorder, " you are charged with huving
been fighting and disturbing the peace."
" The divil a fight did I fight," says Gately, " though faith
when the fighting was going round I got a child's share of it.
Just let your oner be after looking at me eye ; see how nicely
it's soldered up for me ; bad scran to me but it's so well saled
(sealed) that I think if I was postmarked now I would be con
veyed free of expinse to any part of the United States in this
kingdum ! And then take a look at my nose, your oner; isn't
that a very purty nose for a dacent boy to have on his face of
a blissid Monday morning ? isn't it a burnin shame to have
sich a nose ? but it's no more like my nose that is, my nose
that is, is no more like my nose that was, than a French cotillion
is like an Irish jig. And look there, sur," he continued,
pointing to a mark under his ear, " there was a purty polthogue
I got just between the lug and the horn, where theConnaught
man sthruck his ass. O mille murther ! it's meself that was
assaulted in arnist."
" The watchman swears," says the Recorder, " that you
were fighting, and that when he interfered you struck him and
knocked him down."
"O, the divil burn him," says Mick, " I took him for a Far-
down, and gave him a hand and foot that laid him as flat as a
pancake, just to show him what a boy from the shart grass
could do."
" Since such is your method of giving the hand," says the
Recorder, " it is not at all desirable to cultivate your acquain
tance ; you will therfore have to find security 'to answer for an
assault and battery before the criminal court."
On O'Grady's being called up he was about to enter into as
long an explanation as Gately, of how he got into the scrape ;
but the Recorder told him that he might reserve any remarks
he ha.d to make in justification of his conduct, for a future
occasion, as he too would have to appear before the criminal
court.
PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUiVE.
A TRIAL OF SKILL-THE RIVAL BOOT BLACKS.
IF dancing darkies have their trials of skill, why should not
boot-polishing darkies have theirs ? If the latter cannot kick
their heels as high as the former, they can give the heel and
toe touches just as slick, and can shine a little more so. Is not
polishing the understanding more consonant with the usages
of civilized society than indulging in break-downs ? Most
certainly it is. Break-downs are too common too much an
every-day occurrence at the present time. Bank presidents
have their break-downs, sub-treasurers have their break-downs,
speculators have their break-downs, race horses have their
break-downs, cabs and omnibusses have their break-downs,
and negro dancers have their break-downs : the thing has
become decidedly vulgar.
Having said so much in order to show that the world is just
as much interested in a trial of skill between two boot-blacks
as between two who essay to see which will rap his heels
fastest against the boards and still keep time to the tune of a
discordant fiddle, we will now speak of the rival Ethiopians
themselves.
Two of the brotherhood were up before the Recorder yes
terday. Each of them carried with him his insignia of office,
to wit a set of shoe-brushes and a supply of blacking which
shone like their own faces.
" I wants law, massa Judge," said one of them, addressing
the bench from outside the railing.
"Shut up, darkey!" said one of the peace officers.
" Well, Ps a free nigger," said the descendant of Ham, " and
I wants to be secured in the legal prusuit ob my purfession."
" Has that negro any complaint to make ?" asked the Re
corder, who overheard his eloquence.
"I has, Judge," said the negro, putting the thumb and fore
finger of his right hand in the wool that grew over his fore
head, and giving his head a pull down as a mark of obeisance
w I has, Judge, and I tinks it's a cause dat'll insist de sym-
pertations of ebery one in fabor ob westified rights and orposed
to de lebeling principels ob de age."
" Let us hear it," said the Recorder" what is it ?"
" Well, it's jus dis, massa Judge," said the black plaintiff:
THE RIVAL SHOE-BLACKS. 69
" Ps been 'stablished in de polishin' business in dis city
seberal years and upwards, and widout meanin' to be personal
ised to dis gemman, (pointing to his brother darky) I tinks I
stands at de head ob my purfession.
" And who disputes your title to preeminence ?" said the
Recorder.
" Why, no one 'zackly," said the complainant ; " but dis
here nigger interferes wid my out-door business, to de prejur-
dice of my nat'ral rights. If a gemman ob a Sunday mornin'
calls c boots!' dats me he runs and gets de job 'fore I can
get up to my customer. I wouldn't care so much about gibin
him up de business altogeder, and retirin to pribate life, but I
knows he haint got no genus for maintainin de dignity ob de
purfession in all its branches. He neber uses more dan two
brushes, and accordin to my system three's a 'dispensible
necessarification for de real polish, and den, in layin on de
blackin, he makes anoder derivation from my practice : I uses
de liquid fust, and den touches off wid de patent paste he
neber uses de liquid no how, and de conserquensation is, he
can't shine."
" What has your rival got to say to this very serious charge ?"
said the Recorder.
" Haint got noffin to say to it," said the defendant, who
heard the charge with perfect indifference, and was showing
his ivories with a half grin while it was being made " I haint
got noffin to say to it. I has got a massa, and you doesn't
link dis child is a gwine to elerbate himself to a lebel wid dis
here free nigger ? My massa'll back me agin him any day,
eder for puttin de shine on a pair ob Wellington's or takin de
shine out ob him dat he wfll."
" Well," said the Recorder, "the merits of the case had
better be so decided, for it does not come within the scope of
my judicial duties."
"Massa judge," said the complaining darkey,
"Clear out, you pair of animated blacking pots," said the
constable, showing at the same time the negro boot polishers
the door.
70 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
HAPPY JACK-HIS STORY*
WHAT a laughing gasometer is that Happy Jack ! From the
dav his ma-ma cheated him out of his pap to the day Domin-
gos, the steward of the Independence, cheated him out of his
grog, his has evidently been a life of good humour. There
seems to be an inexhaustible reservoir of fun at the outer cor
ner of each eye. It is liberally let out through ever-acting
escape pipes, and it magnetizes with good humour, all who
come within the sphere of its influence.
Happy Jack being called out and sworn, he gave his canvass
trousers a jerk, putting himself in a kind of rocking motion,
bearing on one foot now and then on another, so as to steady
himself on the deck of the court, and scratching his head with
his left hand, put on one of his peculiar leers, which set the
court in a roar of laughter.
Recorder. cc Go on, Jack, and state how you came on board
the Independence, and what occurred while you were there."
Jack. "Why, your honour, I went on board, quite in a
nat'ral way; the captain wanted hands, I wanted employment,
and so we closed a bargain."
" Did any of his hands leave him, Jack ?"
" Yes, the cook and a boy that was on board."
"Why did the cook leave ?"
" He got dhrunk ; it was a nat'ral waykness he was addict
ed to."
" Well, then the boy ; what became of him ?"
" O y faith, he was taken in the same way ; he got dhrunk
too." [General laughter, in which the court joined.]
" Well, Jack, tell us now what passed on board."
" O faith, there did a mighty dale pass on board, and as I
didn't make a log-book of my brain, I don't know that I could
raypeat it now. Be afther askin me any question you like and
I'll thry to answer you."
" Well, did you see any arms on board while you were at
the Chandeliers ?"
"Divil an arm I saw but that long barrel gun and a sword"
" Then you were never in the cabin ?"
* Happy Jack was arrested on the schooner of one Deputron, charged
with piracy in the Gulf.
HAPPY JACK HIS STORY. 71
" Niver but twice I poked me head down there to ask for
grog."
" How did you occupy your time ?"
" Sometimes I used to go ashore to get milk, but I was
ginerally fishing for crabs, and whin I'd stoop down to catch
'em, wouldnH they all run away ?" [Laughter.]
" Well, you used to see the French pennant hung out, did
you not? Did they say what it was done for ?"
" Yis, they said it was a signal for dinner, and I must only
say that if it was, they took their mails (meals) mighty irregu
lar." [Laughter.]
" Who used to raise it and take it down ?"
"Why, that interestin, handsome looking shipmate of mine
there, [pointing to Domingos, the Spaniard] used. Ton me
sowl, 1 often thought the original intintion of naythur was per-
varted in not making a hangman of him, or givin him some
ginteel employment of that kind." [Loud laughter.]
" Did you see the black flag the pirate's flag while you
were on board ?"
" Troth, you may take your davy (your oath) I didn't, for
if I did, you wouldn't catch me there."
" Why ; you wouldn't be afraid of it, would you ?"
" Yis ; I'd as soon sleep in a church-yard, or a house haunt
ed with sperils as be on board the vessel where it would be,
it has such a queer, cut-throat kind of appearance."
" Well, did you see the armour or the steel cap on board ?"
" I niver saw it in all me born days till I saw it in coort
here yisterday."
" What do you think of them ?"
" I think the cap 'ud be a mighty convaynient thing for a
man to have on his head at Donny brook Fair when a scrim
mage (a fight) 'ud begin ; and if a gintleman wint to decide a
pint of honour with pistols at tin paces, he might find the
armour of more use than a Murcell (Marseilles) waistcoat."
[Immoderate laughter.]
" Did you ever hear Domingos abuse Thompson, or threat
en him ?"
"Yis, I did."
" What used he to say r"
" Why, he always spoke in Spanish, or some other outland
ish tongue, and as I niver took the trouble of larnin' the vulgar
languages, I didn't understand him."
u llow did he look?"
72 FICK1AGS FROM THE "PICAYUAE."
Here the prisoner looked at the counsel who put the ques
tion, then at Monoel, and again at the counsel, and burst out
into one of his droll laughs- in which he was joined by those
in court as much as to say, " Don't ask me, but look at
him ;" and recovering himself, he said
" How did he look ? why he looked as he looks now
as ill-humoured as if he sat to a painther for a portrait of a
man who wanted his bitthers, had no tick, and couldn't make a
raise of three cents."
' What countryman are you, Jack ?"
u A Dublin boy, your honour; the first fish I iver tasted
was a Rings-'End cockle."
"You may stand aside, Jack."
In fact, the four prisoners were strictly examined, and it was
found that they were not only not guilty of any evil action,
but of any evil design, and they were discharged.
Deputron, Abbott and Monoel Domingos were then remand
ed for further investigation.
TONGUE w. CHOPS.
A TALL, slatternly looking woman, wearing a dingy old silk
bonnet which was " knocked into a cocked hat," appeared
yesterday before Recorder Baldwin. Her hair hung about
" every which way," as if she was preparing to enact the hero
ine in a melo-drama, and her gown was made on the Nora
Creina model, which
left every beauty free,
To sink or swell as heaven pleases."
The nether end of her garments were covered with a consider
able sprinkling of mud, and her shoes went flap, flap against
her heels as she walked along, like the spring-board of a rat
trap. She had small, peevish looking eyes, concave jaws, and
a nose as sharp as a shoemaker's knife. The constable in
whose custody she came also introduced to the Recorder a
man who seemed to have devoted a principal part of his life
to the science of eating ; he was so fat that the fever and ague
couldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, his hair was clotted
and greasy, his face was red and round, his nose lay in be
tween his cheeks like a parsnip between a pair of beef kidneys,
and his eyes were like two newly cast lead balls in a bucket
; It was this barrel of packed pork, here," pointing to the butcher, "what kicked
up the rumpus." Page 73.
TONGUE VS. CHOPS. 73
of water. He wore a blue apron, and sleeves fastened on
with running strings over the shirt to match ; he is, as our
readers no doubt anticipated, a knight of the cleaver, or
butcher.
' What have these parties been doing ?" asked the Recorder,
of the police officer.
" Disturbing the market, your honour," said the officer.
" I wasn't disturbing no market," said the female prisoner,
giving her head a sudden toss back so as to remove the hair
which was falling into her eyes " it was this barrel of packed
pork here," pointing to the butcher, " what kicked up the
rumpus. "
"Let us hear the story," said the Recorder " what has he
done ?"
" Why, my lawyer tells me as how I can sue him for ob
taining money under false pretences," said she with the dingy
bonnet " he's an impostor."
" That's a ," said the fat man.
" Silence !" said the officer in an authoritative tone.
" Well, I wont bear to be called no names," said the fat
man I'm a butcher, right up and down, and I never followed
no other business."
tk What is the ground of your charge, my good worn^n ?"
asked the Recorder " what has this man been doing to you ?"
" O ! if your honour seed what he sold me for prime beef!
As I live, when I broiled it it was like India rubber; you
might as well expect to get gravy out of a grindstone as out
of it. And his pork ! O say no more about the pig. I wont
say that hogs is drowned in the Mississippi, and done up after
wards to suit customers, but as our parson used to say when
he'd be speaking a kind of dubious like about folks' morality
/ have my doubts."
" Let us take a peep at the other side of the picture," said
the Recorder. " What have you to say ?" he asked, address
ing the fat man.
"Why, it's all gammon, every word of it," replied the
butcher " this here woman comes to me and said she'd be a
regular customer of mine, and so she has been, but I'm blow-
ed if she has been a regular pay. I gave her the very primest
pieces, your honour, and I'll stake my life there weren't no
such steaks in the market as I gave her. She always praised
my meat and said I was the most agreeablest man as she ever
dealt with, until I asked her to settle up, and then, instead .r
74 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
giving me specie or municipality notes, she gave me abuse.
I tell you what it is, your honour, she's a regular buster at
talkingj she could supply every stall in the market with tongue
and export some for the Northern market it wouldn't need
no pickle, I tell you."
" I claims the protection of the court," said the woman
with the cocked-hat bonnet, in a shrill voice " O ! if my old
man was here ;" and she appeared to begin to cry.
" That aint reg'lar crying," said the butcher ; " it's all done
for effect, as we says when we blows a weal to make it look
fat like."
"I can hear no more of this case," said the Recorder
u sue her for what she owes you in a civil court, and if she
interferes with your business or disturbs the market in future,
I will find means to punish her."
The officer showed both the litigants out of the office.
TOM TOWNS,
WHO DON'T LIKE COFFEE.
m
" DON'T, don't !" said Tom Towns last night, as the watch
man applied his pole to the neighbourhood of his fifth rib ;
" don't interfere with a feller wot's engaged in a fair fight with
the miskitters and aint got no friends."
" What brings you here at this time of night ?" said the
watchman it was 12 o'clock.
" Why, the fact of it is, old feller," said Tom, " it's all the
fault of the government it's a cussed bad government, this,
and don't attend to the interests of the people, no how. Vy
doesn't congress pass a stop law, that 'ud enable a feller to
stop in his boardin' house all the time without havin' to fork
over to the old 'oman every Saturday night ? I goes in for
the Biddle policy ' and ven Nicholas tells the defaultin' states
to pony up, I says, go it, Nick ! go it, old feller ! But then
I think, like him, that individual repudiation is a right slap-up
kind of bizness, and no mistake."
Watchman. " I think you're an idle feller, that don't work
and oughter."
Tom Towns. u Workin' aint ginteel nor hindependent, no
how you can fix it. Besides, what's the use of havin' a
THE GREAT REGULATOR. 75
preserdent and 4th of July celebrations, if a feller can't live
without doin' nothin' ? Vy can't the legislature pass a bill for
my relief? Aint I a human bein' ? ainta human bein' as good as
a canal or a railroad any day ? and they passes acts in favour
o' them; now, I calls that downright log-rollin'. But I'll fix 'em
all next 'lection I'll wote blank and weto the whole on 'em.
" Before doing so," said the watchman, " you had better
come to the calaboose you will have an opportunity of in
troducing yourself to the Recorder in the morning."
" Well, I aint no objection as I knows on, watchey," said
Tom, " but pr'aps you could loan a poor feller a dime. I aint
got no change, and I'm afraid his honour want stand bitters for
all hands in the mornin 7 ."
"No, he's a teto taller," said the watchman, "but he'll
order you your coffee without milk, I've no doubt."
"Ah, watchey !" said Tom, " coffee is werry good coffee,
as Mrs. Towns used to say, is a wery good beverage for a
Turk, but it aint a decent drink for a Christian, no how. A
4 pig and whistle' is the only reg'lar eye-opener if you can't
get the ginivine article, you may fall back on a gin cocktail ;
but if you get a quarrelin' with the old ooman and wants to
commit s^oe-iside, take the temperance pledge ; it kills fellers
off faster than the yaller fever."
The watchman told him he had been a tetotallar for twelve
months, and had no great sign or presentiment of dying then,
and bidding Tom a good night, he turned the key of the watch-
house door upon him.
The Recorder made a tetotaller of him for thirty days yes
terday.
THE GREAT REGULATOR.
THOMAS WINDLE is the " Great Regulator" of the present
day. N. Biddle he looks upon as having been a mere abstrac
tionist an amateur in philosophy and a theorizer in finance.
Biddle's efforts at " regulating" were confined to matters of
exchange they were soulless, sordid and devoid of sentiment.
Windle regulates time or timepieces, being a watchmaker
and time being money, and money being power, it follows that
he is the greater regulator of the two. Not only can he set a
watch but he can watch a set who are about to liquor and
disdaining the frigid formality of an introduction, makes himself
acquainted with them simultaneously by the simple yet social
76 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
operation of touching glasses all round. He is often run down
for funds and often wound up by liquor but still he is
never loth to "run his face" (which he calls the dialplate of
the mind) whenever the credit system leaves an aperture into
which he can insinuate it. He is one of those who has an
abiding confidence in the benevolence of mankind, and, so long
as present wants are supplied, never burthens himself with
perspective difficulties.
He was yesterday brought up before Recorder Baldwin on
the double charge of being locomotionless or, like one of
his own chronometers, out of repair not able to go on Tues
day night ; and of having written a challenge to a well known
amateur of the turf and threatening to blow out his brains if
he refused to give him that satisfaction which one gentleman
never refuses to afford another. The amateur sportsman de
murred to the proposition. It embraced a species of field
sports to which he was not particularly partial ; he liked to
see blooded horses go off but bloody pistols going off was
a horse of another colour ; the tap of the drum was more con
genial to his ear, as an intimation of the time to start, than the
nerve-exciting words, u One two three fire !" and he re
garded it as much better sport to watch a well-contested back
stretch, than to be stretched on his back himself in a contest
with the watchmaker. Viewing the matter in this light, he
had the challenge placed in the hands of the Recorder, who
asked Mr. Windle what he had to say in relation to it, and
what to being found u wound up" in St. Charles street. He
pleaded guilty to both charges, but " took back" or retracted
the bellicose language of the challenge. The Recorder remand
ed him until he found security to keep the peace.
THE LAPIDARY AND THE SEA CAPTAIN.
A VERTICAL SAW.*
A humorous instance of the mistakes into which transcend
ental terms sometimes lead people, recently occurred in this
city. We will proceed to narrate it, premising, by-the-way,
that the written record falls short of the oral conversation.
Of the hundred thousand inhabitants who form the aggre-
* In New Orleans plajmg off a joke is called running a saw.
THE LAPIDARY AND THE SEA-CAPTAItf. 77
gate of our population, a portion of the number of them are em
ployed in paving our streets. They are honest, hard-working
men, who literally obey the divine injunction in Genesis, and
' earn their bread by the sweat of their brow."
Political economy taught men long since the efficacy of
dividing and subdividing labour, and hence the business of
paving, like pin-making, has its several branches. One man,
for instance, purchases the paving stones in the north ; another
buys them from him, and has them then shipped here ; a third
contracts for making the pavement, and he purchases the stones
from the importer; and others perform the manual labour, or
make the paved streets. The contractors may be called the
"Cavaliers" of the business, and the working paviors the
u Roundheads." One of the former, remarkable for the sau-
viter in modo of his manner, his recherche style of dress, and
" dem foin" appearance generally, is one of the characters which
we shall have to introduce to our readers. We shall call him
the u Lapidary," for such he is called by his friends, and on
this epithet hangs the point of our tale. In the application of
the term to him, the march of intellect will be at once per
ceived. In an earlier stage of the world, and in a less enlight
ened age, he would be called a contractor or a pavior; but
such language would not consort with people's present ideas
of refinement, and hence he is called by the entire circle of his
acquaintance " the lapidary." Our other character is a New
England sea-captain ; as frank a fellow as ever trod a quarter
deck generous, honest and adventurous, who calls things by
their proper names, and understands all proper names by their
common application. Though possessed of what is called a
strong mind, in the general sense, he still has one weakness-
one vulnerable point of character he is fond of little articles
of vertu. He has an ivory-headed cane of quaint workman
ship, which he brought from China; a tobacco-box of rare
material, which he purchased from a Turk in Constantinople ;
a diamond pin of the purest water, which he smuggled from
the Brazils, and but we need not proceed. The cabin of
his ship is, in fact, a perfect cabinet of curiosities.
While taking his eleven o'clocker on a late occasion at the St.
Charles, in company with a friend, they met the " lapidary,"
whom the friend of the worthy mariner accosted with a " How
are you, ? Capt. , allow me to introduce you to my
particular friend, Mr. , the lapidary. Mr. , my friend,
Capt. , of the ."
78 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
The captain threw out his rough hand, and gave his newly-
introduced acquaintance a warm shake. The lapidary grace
fully raised his hat from his well-combed hair, and slightly
motioned his head, acknowledging the honour of the intro
duction. After some common-place observations about the
heat of the weather, the dulness of the times, and the number
of persons leaving the city, the usual " good-bye" was recip
rocally passed between them, and the captain and his friend
turned away.
" You called him a lapidary, didn't you ?" said the captain
to his friend.
" Certainly I did," replied his friend, who is a wag in his
way.
" Now I wonder," said the captain, " what value he would
set on this diamond pin of mine. I have submitted it to the
inspection of several judges, and they all differ in fixing its
value."
" Well, said his friend, "he is there yet, and we'll step and
ask him."
Up they again went to the lapidary, and the mutual friend
thus introduced the subject.
" Mr. Lapidary, my friend, the captain here, has got, as you
may perceive, a very valuable diamond pin. He wishes yon
to examine it, and say in your opinion what it is worth."
Here the friend fell back a pace or two behind the captain,
gave a short influenza kind of cough, to attract the notice of
the lapidary, and having succeeded, he then commenced
working gyrations with his fingers, his thumb resting on the
apex of his nose, as much as to say, " Aint you up to gam
mon ?" The lapidary, who is a regularly initiated member
of the Sawyer's Company, was at once "up to gammon," and
forthwith proceeded to carry out the intention of his quizzical
friend.
"Well, captain," said the lapidary, in a very self-sufficient
tone, eyeing very critically, at the same time, the pin " well,
captain, I can't perhaps, exactly say. I have not got my
microscopic glass with me just now; but your pin, viewing
it with the naked eye, seems to be of very pure water very
pure, indeed! Let me see! Is that a flaw I discover in it!
It is ! Ah ! no, no it is not. Why, captain, I should have
no hesitation in giving $300 for that pin myself."
"Ah, yes; thank you," said the captain "but I don't
mean to sell it." And then, in a whisper to his friend he
THE LAPIDARY AND THE SEA-CAPTAIN. 79
added : " Why, what do you think a swindler in Chartres
street offered me for it ? only ten dollars !"
"Mr. Lapidary," said the mutual friend, seeing that tho
candid captain was fairly' caught, and wishing to enlarge on
the joke "Mr. Lapidary, you have a very large collection of
stones, have you not ?"
u Why, yes, rather a large collection," said the lapidary,
tipping the end of his cane against his chin " rather large,
but not so great a variety as J could wish !"
" My friend, the captain here," rejoined the wag, is quite an
amateur in your line : he has a pretty extensive collection of
minerals himself. I have no doubt but he should like to take
a peep at your cabinet." [ u Here's a precious saw !" aside.]
"Nothing would give me greater pleasure," said the cap
tain : " indeed I make it a point wherever I go of seeing curi
osities in that way."
" Well, let me see," said the lapidary " this evening, Oh,
J have made an appointment to meet a gentleman this even
ing; to-morrow, to-morrow evening I go to the lake. Meet
me here at five o'clock on the evening after to-morrow, and I'll
show you my collection, such as it is. As far as quantity goes,
I make my boast of being exceeded by few on this side of
Mason and Dixon's line, at least ; but it is not for me, who
have had the selection of them, to speak of their quality"
The captain expressed a thousand thanks to the lapidary
for his politeness, from whom he parted, promising to be
punctual in his attendance at the appointed meeting, and
chuckling in the anticipation of seeing on the evening fol
lowing the next, the lapidary's extensive collection of precious
stones !
The time of appointment came, and there was the captain,
punctual to the minute ; and there, soon afterwards, came the
lapidary and the friend of each. A " How d'ye do" passed :
they liquored, and then proceeded to review the precious gems
of the lapidary. The course, as laid down on the chart by
the latter, was down towards the rear of the city, through
Common street. They chatted on various topics until they
came near the Charity Hospital, where a very large heap of
paving stones occupied the centre of the street.
" What a very large heap of stones !" said the lapidary.
" Very," said the captain, u but worth little or nothing : 1
frequently bring them from the east as ballast."
" What an instructive science is geology," said the lapidary.
80 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
"Now I have not a doubt but it could be proved, by one who
well understands it, that that opaque, speckled stone there is
the petrified egg of some large antediluvian bird a species of
the American eagle, perhaps; and there is that one, of a par
tially flat form that may be of submarine origin a petrified
turtle, for aught we know !"
" O, it may be an ossified Indian papoose, for all T care,
Mr. Lapidary," said the captain, somewhat pettishly, who felt
annoyed at being kept so long from seeing the rare cabinet ;
and pulling out his watch he added, " it is now half past six
o'clock, and if you permit me to see your collection of pre
cious stones, as you promised to do, it is time we should see
them ; for I must be back to the ship in half an hour."
" Why, captain, my friend," said the lapidary, " I don't
understand you. You requested that I would show you my
collection of stones. I told you I would, remarking at the
same time that 1 could boast of their quantity, but would not
say a word in praise of their quality. You are now looking
at them, and if your curiosity is not fully gratified, if you take
a walk round with me to St. Peter street, I will show you a
still larger heap !"
" Then, these are your collection of precious stones your
cabinet of jems!" said the captain, in a tone that acknowledged
he had been sawed.
" They are," said the lapidary.
" Enough," said the captain, " I'm hoaxed, gloriously hoaxed.
[ acknowledge the corn. I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Lapi
dary, if I ever find that you tell the story to man or mortal,
I'll macadamize I'll pulverise every bone in your body I
will !"
The captain forgot to extort a pledge of secrecy from the
" mutual friend" who witnessed the whole transaction. He
told it to us as we have told it to our readers.
THE POET SPOUSE.
CLEMANTHE CRIBS and Christopher Cribs appeared yester
day in the police court on the charge of disturbing the peace.
Clemanthe had an air of negligent intellectuality about her.
Her face was angular her features even sharp ; her eyes bore
a poetic brightness ; she had long fingers and a handsome,
THE POET SPOUSE. 81
aristocratic kind of hands, but they were not very clean ; she
wore boots made to lace at the sides, but as she omitted to
lace them, they hung over her ankles like a player's buskins ;
her dress was of faded black silk, with several red, mouldy
spots in it, and she wore her bonnet back off her forehead in
an ill-adjusted manner.
Christopher Cribs was a small, smooth-faced, passive-looking
personage one of those whom nature intended for a member
of the peace society, but whom chance at times exposes to
scenes of domestic disquietude.
" Yes," said Mrs, Cribs, as we entered the court, " I may
thank you you, you unfeeling cruelly unkind man ; I may
thank you for it all." And she shook her parasol in Crib's
face in a manner indicative of revenge, adding, in tones suitably
pathetic
" This is the deepest of my woes ;
For this these tears my cheeks bedew ;
This is of love the final close ;
Oh, God, the fondest, last adieu!"
"Clemanthe, my dear," said Mr. Cribs, in an assuaging, sooth
ing tone, " be silent till we leave this, or we'll be put in the
papers perhaps in the calaboose."
u Cribs," said Mrs. C., " Cribs, don't speak to me don't
drive me mad. What do you know about the papers ? You
know you well know that I have contributed to the poet
ical department of both the dailies and the magazines. Then
why would one like you without soul, without sentiment
i>n whose mind no ray of the Promethean spark ever shed its
lustre who are an utter stranger to
' The elegance, facility and golden cadence of poesy
Heaven bred poesy !'
Why I ask, should you offer such an insult to me in a public
court as to speak to me of*poetry."
u What's the matter with that woman?" said the Recorder.
Policeman. " That's 'zactly the way she was carry in' on
last night when I 'rested her she's a screamer, your honour,
1 tell you."
Christopher Cribs, (with one of his usual insinuating smiles,)
" O, it aint nothin', your honour; it was Mrs. Cribs here,
as was just a talkin' to me. She's a werry good woman, sir,
and werry intellectual and "
Mrs. Cribs. "Cribs, I command you to be silent ; don't ex-
p se your ignorance don't, I say. Will the court call on this
82 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
illiterate individual to cease annoying me ? O, Cribs ! had we
" Never met, or had we parted,
1 had ne'er been broken hearted."
Recorder. " Will any one tell me what this woman is say
ing ?"
Mr. Cribs. "Nothin' in the vide vorld, your honour.
Mrs. Cribs Clem, I calls her, for love and shortness Clem
is one of the most lovingest wives as I everknowed on. She
aint got no fault, but that she's too fond of poetry books, and
instead of mindin' her waking babe little Tommy, the bles-
sedest infant you ever seed she keeps writin' sonnets to ' a
sleepin' babe ;' and t'other day, when I brought home some
fust rate croackers from the lake, and told her to dress them
for dinner, instead ofdoin' it she sat down 'cause she said the
inspiration was on her and she kegan writin' lines ' To a dead
fish found on the strand ;' and kept at it till the dead fish which
she might find in the basket were spoiled. Well, I s'pose the
poetry on the dead fish was all very good, for Clem said it
was ; but I'd be a better judge of the fish in the basket, if she
had done them up for my dinner, instead of doin' up the poe
try. When I told her I was gettin' right hungry, she says,
says she, ' Cribs, have patience, you woracious wagabond ;
you see I'm preparin' an intellectual feast.' Yes, said I, but
Clem, my love, it'll be a feast arter a famine, for I'm right
hungry now. It won't be the feast of reason, neither, for there
aint no reason in fastin' for the sake of poetry."
"Cribs," said Mrs. C., her eye in a fine frenzy rolling -
" Cribs, you're an ingrate a deceiver a false one ! You
knew when you plighted to me your eternal truth and undy
ing constancy you knew my passion for poetry, my love of
literature, my admiration for the romantic; but 'tis over!
" The charm is broken ! Once betrayed,
Oh, never can my heart rely
On word or look, on oath or sigh !
Take back the gifts, so sweetly giv'n
With promis'd faith and vows to Heav'n."
Recorder. "O, I cannot be annoyed with this poetical
woman and her fish-fond husband. Send them out of the
court, and if brought up here again they shall find bail that
they will not in future disturb the neighbourhood in which
they live."
Cribs left the office, supplicating the amiable Mrs. C. for
orgiveness, which she seemed very adverse to granting.
83
RECORDER'S COURT.
TWO OF A TRADE CAN NEVER AGREE.
WE witnessed a lucitl illustration of this argument in the
court of Recorder Baldwin yesterday. While standing at the
door, on St. Charles street, waiting for the opening of the court,
we saw two men in hot haste, making tracks for the police
office. Here, thought we, here is not one, but here are two
heroes for our next morning's report for we look out for a
" character" with as much anxiety, almost, but not quite, as a
merchant looks out for his ships at sea as a stock jobber
looks out for a fall or a rise in the funds as an olcTmaid looks
out for some one to" pop the question," or as a political editor
looks out for "glorious victories."
Jn the distance we could not see, " precisely," what they
were ; though as they approached we felt we could not be mis
taken in putting them down for a pair of wood-sawyers. One
carried his saw slung on his arm, and the other had his "horse"
mounted on his shoulder. At a first glance they looked like
wandering minstrels ; the saw on No. One seemed
" Like his wild harp slung behind him ;"
and the " horse" on the shoulder of the other, like a hand organ.
So far as the look of the outer-man was concerned, they
were as like one another as the Siamese twins, or two plaster
of Paris castings of Bonaparte ; with this single exception,
that the two legs of one of them were not of equal longitude
his life seemed a succession of ups and downs.
They unburdened themselves of their " plunder" outside
the office door, and boldly made their way up to the bench.
'* I vants a varrant for this 'ere indiwidual," said he with
the short leg and the long one.
" Yes, and please your honour," said the other, who stood
on equal footing with himself, at least, " I shall lodge hexam-
inations agin this 'ere feller."
The Recorder actuated by that fair-play-principle which
distinguishes him as a magistrate, said he was prepared to hear
both sides of the story, and bade the man with the imperfect
^understanding to proceed.
84 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
" First," said the Recorder, " what is your name ?"
" Thomas, sir, Jim Thomas, but folks calls me Hop and Go
Constantly way of a rig itaint my name though,'' said the
odd legged man.
" And yours, sir," said the Recorder, to the other.
" George Villiams, sir," said the other ; " and I haint got no
title 'cause as how it aint democratic."
" Let us hear your story first, Thomas," said the Recorder.
" Yes, sir," said Hop and Go Constant, u I'll tell the whole
truth and nothing but the truth : Veil, your honour sees, 1
ha' follered this here purfession of wood sawin' for a long
time, and I understands the business in all its branches. This
here feller is but a new hand, and besides, he haint got no
genius. 'Stead of learnin' to set his saw, he has made a dead
set at my reg'lar business ; he goes round to my customers,
your honour, and he circumwents me."
" But has he assaulted you ?" said the Recorder.
" Yes, sir-r," said Jim Thomas, " and he knocked out three
of my teeth yesterday." .
" Why, that is battery," said the Recorder, " according to
our statutes ; but I can't perceive that your mouth is much
disfigured by the blow, nor do I see the vacuum which the
three knocked out teeth have left."
u Why bless your hinnocent heys," said Thomas," it warn't
out of my mouth, but. out of my saw that he knocked the three
teeth, and I have it outside to prove the fact. I thinks myself,
the offence is burglary in the second degree."
" Silence," said the Recorder, " you have gone quite far
enough. What have you to say to this, Williams ?" he asked
of the man whose legs, instead of being like two sides of an
irregular triangle, were like two sides of a square.
" Veil, I haint nothin' to say but this here," said Williams ;
" that I rests my defence altogether on constitutional grounds.
In the first place, ven I saws vood no man cant interfere vith
me, 'cause I'm in the pursuit o' happiness ; and, moreover, I
thinks free trade and wood-sawyers' rights, is as much a con
stitutional question as free trade and sailors' rights, about vich
folks makes such a muss. Vy, I asks, should there be mo
nopoly in wook-sawin' ? . Dont competition benefit every
business ? I'm blow'd if I'll be put down by that 'ere man ;
that's all about it."
" That is enough about it," said the Recorder; " and as for
you," he said, addressing the lame man, " because you charge
RECORDER'S COURT. 85
this man with breaking the teeth of your saw, you come to a
lame and impotent conclusion when you think you can sue
him for an assault. To maintain such a charge you should
prove personal violence. You may both go. 1 '
They left the office. The man not fully initiated in the
mysteries of wood-sawing, seeming to regard the decision of
the court as a great triumph. The lame man's short leg seemed
shorter and his long leg longer than usual.
A SERENADED
CHRISTOPHER CRAMER AND HIS CREMONA.
AMONG the cases brought up Saturday before the Recorder,
was Christopher Cramer an old rusty fiddle was under his
arm, and a bow, which had lost much of its original tension,
was insinuated between its strings. Christopher's dress was
superlatively shabby ; his jaws were thin and attenuated ; his
nose was pimply and purple ; he was of the lamp-post shape,
or rather of no shape at all ; and his fingers were as fleshless
and long as if they had undergone an anatomical operation.
He seemed to be as he was- a specimen of Paginini-ism done
up on loafer principles ; and his face, which was covered with
scratches, looked like a gamut written with red ink.
" Christopher Cramer ?" said the Recorder.
Christopher, whose spirits seemed sunk too low, was so ab
sorbed in thought that he heeded not the authorative voice of
the judicial functionary on the bench, but kept gazing on his
fiddle, which was placed on his knees, with all the apparent
affection with which a parent looks on an only child fading
away from life under the corroding influence of a consumption.
u Your case is called on," said a policeman, stirring up Chris
topher with his short pole " your case is called on."
u Ah, I've lost my case," said Cramer, " and I thought as
much of it as I do of my fiddle itself my name was on it,
C. C., done in brass nails."
" You were found disturbing the peace last night," said the
Recorder.
" There is a discord between the charge and the fact, may
it please the court," said Cramer ; " of nothing was I guilty
but
" Peace and gentle visitation."
86 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
" Why, your honour," said a watchman, "he says as how
I cracked his fiddle ; but blow me if 1 don't think its his own
head that's cracked you should ha' seen the shines he cut
up in Burgundy street last night. lie called it a sur-in-aid ;
but folks didn't like such aid thereabouts I know they didn't
'cause they all calls on me, and tells me to take him to the
vatchhouse ; von young 'oman puts her head out of a two
story vinder, and she hollers to me ' Vatchman ! you take
that 'ere feller to the vatchhouse ; he comes here a cutting up
these here didos every night he's a wagrant, and we don't
know nothin' about him.' "
Recorder. " What brought you, sir, to disturb a peaceable
neighbour at that time of night ? I am told by the watchman
it was one o'clock."
Christopher. [Waving his right arm like a stump orator
speaking of the constitution] "Because I have sworn it; and
' Not for all the sun sees, or
The close earth wombs, or the profound seas hide
In unknown fathoms, will I break my oath
To her, my fair beloved !' "
Watchman. " That's the vay he's alvays a goin' on. You
ought to've heerd him a singin'
' Vake, lady, vake !'
last night, and play it on the fiddle at the same time ! Vy, he's
death on catgut, and a reg'lar vind instrument ! His notes is
higher than any of the sol went banks ! he's a perfect
roarer !"
Recorder. " You will have to find bail to keep the peace,
unless you promise to give up your serenading."
Christopher. "To do so would jar with the vow I have
taken and create a discord in the sounds of my soul's feelings ;
besides
' I am advised to give her music o' mornings :
They say it will penetrate.' "
"Take him off," said the Recorder, "until he finds the ne
cessary bail."
*. In a moment a policeman grasped Christopher by the arm,
and Christopher grasped his fiddle by the neck, displaying
thereby a wonderful instance ofjiddle-hyl
" LAY ON, MICK DUFF !" 87
"LAY ON, MICK DUFF!"
MICHAEL DUFF and Tom Crowley were yesterday brought
before the Recorder, for practically illustrating their bellicose
propensities on the Levee, contrary to the statute in that case
made and provided, and the peace and dignity of the state.
Tom Tanner, a witness who was present, put the court in
possession of the terms and conditions of the fight. The
weapons were fists ; they stood at striking distance, and as
much nearer as they could clutch one another. The battle
was to be fought on the knock-down and drag-out principle,
agreeably to the " sports of the ring," as laid down in the
Kentucky code.
" Who was the aggressor ?" said the Recorder to the wit
ness, Tanner.
" Why, Crowley was, of coorse," said Tanner : " he chal
lenged Mick, and wouldn't give him pace noraze till he fought
him."
"Well, and what did you say?" inquired the Recorder.
" Did you endeavour to make peace ?"
" I did no such thing, yer anour," said Tanner, " for I seed
Tom was itchin' for a batin', and I was detarmined to let him
have it ; so, as soon as iver I seed Mick square at him, I said,
as our counthryman Moore, the beautiful dramatic poet of na
ture, ilegantly expresses it :
' Whoo ! lay on Mick Duff!
Pitch into Crowley till he cries enough /'
And so he did, yer anour as beautiful as if he tuck lessons
from O'Rourke or deaf Burke himself!"
They were all -fined for disturbing the peace, and discharged.
DOMESTIC DIFFCULTIES.
OR, THE ONE WOMAN POWER.
" WHAT, here again this morning, Jemmy?" said the Re
corder yesterday, to a withered looking little specimen of mor
tality who stood before him, and with whom official intimacy
88 PlCKIiNGS FROM THE u PICAYUNE."
appeared to have made him quite familiar. u What's the mat
ter now ?"
u The old story, your honour," said Jemmy. "The old
woman heft" and he trembled with fear as he finished the
sentence " was kicking up her shines last night again."
The " old woman here" to whom Jemmy referred was a
smirking, masculine looking young woman, with the word
virago written in legible letters upon her features. When
Jemmy made this "complimentary" allusion to her, she gave
him a look that seemed to operate on his nervous system like
a shock from a galvanic battery; and then, assuming a mild
look of forbearance, she turned to the Recorder, and in a sub
dued tone of voice assured his honour that "there was no
living with Jemmy Galvin, he carried on so!"
" Why, Galvin," said the Recorder, " it is not more than a
week ago since I bound you over to keep the peace to your wife!"
" I know it's not," said Jemmy, " but when you bound me
over your honour missed a figure you took the wrong pig
by the ear, as they say in Ohio it's the old woman here you
should have kept from doing mischief; she's the head and
front, soul and body, shoes and stockings of offending."
" O," says Mrs. G., putting a white pocket handkerchief up
to her eyes, and first looking vinegar at Jemmy and then
looking tears and treacle at the Recorder, " O, I'm a miserable
woman ! an ill used woman ! I calls for the protection of the
court from the wiolence of that man !" and here Mrs. G.
seemed affected even to false tears.
" Are not you a pretty fellow," said the Recorder to Jemmy,
u to treat your wife in this manner to act with violence and
unkindness to one whom you should protect and cherish ?"
" O, bless your hinnocent heyes," said Jemmy, " you does'nt
know that ere woman ; them aint tears ; nor she aint crying
now ; it's all hactin', your honour. You should see her last
night when we were taken up by the watch ; the way she did
pitch into me was a caution to the feller they called the Liverpool
pet, wot taught the art of boxing here on scientific principles."
The watchman was here called upon, and corroborated to
a considerable extent the allegations of Mr. G. relative to the
pugilistic prowess of Mrs. Galvin.
" Is there no possibility of both of you living together," said
the Recorder, " in more harmony ?"
" I don't see none," said Jemmy, " I've tried every thing to
please her, but it aint no use ; she scolds me and abuses me
A SCOTCH FEE-LOSOPHER. 89
for every thing I says, and every thing I does. They may
talk of John Tyler's vetoes, but he aint no circumstance in
obstinacy to my wife. If I asks her to go to the lake with
me she won't corne ; if I asks her to go to Carrollton or to the
Tivoli theatre, she won't come ; if I asks her to make coffee
for breakfast, she is sure to have tea; and if I takes a liking to
fish and tells her to prepare some for dinner, she inwariably
dresses meet and wegetables. In fact, your honour, it's veto
and ditto veto, all the year round."
Mrs. G. said not a word, but seemed " nursing her wrath to
keep it warm."
Jemmy continued : " It's very well for politicians to speak
of the danger of the ' one man power;' but if they lived as long
as I have with Mrs. Galvin, they'd know something I guess
about the danger of the one woman power. I tell you, when
I thinks of it, I trembles for my constitution."
The Recorder having, it appears, previously bound Mr.
Galvin to keep the peace, now made Mrs. G. enter into her
recognisances, and then permitted them to return home to
enjoy again the delights of domestic felicity !
A S-COTCH FEE-LOSOPHER.
JAMES BURNS, who comes from the "land o' cakes," and
may be, for aught we know to the contrary, a lineal descend
ant of the Ayrshire bard, who was himself so honest that
*' He wad na cheat the vera de^il !"
was arrested in the neighbourhood of the Public Square on
Wednesday evening. He was engaged in haranguing a la
Prophet Munday, a promiscuous crowd. But in almost every
thing he was the antipodes of the prophet. The prophet
wears no hat he wore a shocking bad one; the prophet
does not shave his chin Jim shaves his whole face, when he
can get a barber to credit him ; the prophet is sharp and
acute-looking Jim looks like a "daft" man; the prophet is
short Jim is tall; the prophet, speaks sense Jim Burns
talks nonsense ; Jim's theme was "education its ill effects ;"
and in this it may be perceived that he not only takes ground
against the great thinkers of his own country, but also against
those of this. " A' the evils," we could hear Jim say as we
90 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
approached him, u a' the evils, ma freens, that affleect the
coontry proceed fra superaboondant eedication ; the vera boys
ken mair no$ muckle mair than oor grandfathers did een
when their locks, as the song says o' John Anderson's.
war white as the snaw. I teel ye again, ma freens," said Jirn,
" that this thing o' eedication is like a Scootch broadsword, an
unco dangerous weepon in the hands o 1 them as dinna ken
the way to use it. Withoot the genius it's like a haggis with
out the eengredients ; and wi 1 it, it is a' togitfier like a breeks
to a Highlander a superfluous article. As my namesake Bob
used to say
' Gi'e me a spark o' Nature's fire,
That's a' the laming I desire.' "
" O," said the watchman, coming up, " I'll give you a night
in the calaboose."
" Why, mon," said Jim, " this is a free coontry, and I'm
only geein' expression to my seentiments."
"Yes, you is a-breakin' the ordinance in favour of public
education," said the watchman u I knows you is ;" and so
he took off this Scotch philosopher of the new school a
circumstance which seemed to edify his auditors just as much
as his dissertation on, or rather against, education did.
AN ATTEMPT TO SHAV^E A SHAVER.
A LITTLE Frenchman, whose hair stood on an end a la Jack
son, with short legs and large calves, kicked up almost as great a
fuss in Recorder Baldwin's court yesterday, as Louis Napoleon
did recently in Bologne. His nose was as sharp as a razor,
and his face was as white from powder as if it were newly
lathered. A large frill struck perpendicularly out from his
bosom like an open oblong fan, and a large circular snuff box
resembling the Grand Humbug Real Estate Lottery Wheel,
protruded from his vest pocket.
"You shave me, I shave you, eh? sacre ! one great impos
ture," said the Frenchman, pulling his snuff box hurriedly from
his vest pocket, giving it a wicked crack of his open hand on
the lid, and raising a large pinch of the pungent powder to his
nose between his two ringers and thumb, he snuffed up the
lesser portion of it, the greater he let fall on his frill. " You
shave me, I shave you, eh ?" again he repeated with a*
AN ATTEMPT TO SHAVE A SHAVER. 91
much apparent assurance of success in the suit he was about
to engage in, as a politician speaks of the election of his fa
vourite presidential candidate " By gar, sare, I shall let you see
by de law whethare you shave me for J shave you, eh ?"
This was addressed to a man who, if he was not a worn out
blackleg, looked extremely like one and notwithstanding the
little Frenchman's tempestuous passion, retained the most placid
equanimity of temper.
" Have you any charge to make, sir ?" said the Recorder to
the little Frenchman.
''By gar, Monsieur Judge," said the little Frenchman,"!
have one twelve month charge to make against dis dere
robbere."
" If you bring it before this court," said the Recorder, "you
will have to make it brief. I cannot occupy myself in hearing
a twelve months' charge from you."
" Pardonnez moi, Monsieur Judge, you no comprehend. I
am de one grand barbere, freezuer and perruguier from Paree ;
dis man comes to my emporium of fashion and he says, what
you pay me no, sacre pay what you charge me, he says,
for bartering for shave me, you call it, and cut my hair, for
one year ? I do it, I said, and give your whiskers de grand
Paree curl for tirty dollar, but you pay me cash down not no
credit system for me, nevare."
" Well, did he comply with your terms ?" said the Re
corder.
"Not one time, he no paid me at all," said the Frenchman
" I now shave him one month and give his hair de fashionable
cut and de finish off wid de bear's grease, and he nevare paid
me one cent. Sacre! he be one grand wat you call humbug
one shaver what don't be barbers you know, but wat live by
shaving barbers and oder gentlemens. Sacre ! when I ask him
for my tirty dollar dis vera mornin', he give me tree ten dollar
bills of de fallen in Brandon Bank, and he say they be good as
silvare next year. Man Dieu ! Mon Dieu ! they will nevare
be no good till de whole world break up in one smash!
What you say to dat, Monsieur Judge ?" continued the little
Frenchman, anxious to draw from the Recorder his opinion
of the man who could have the effrontery to offer a Parisian
barber $30 in Brandon money for cutting his hair and shaving
him for twelve months, and giving his whiskers the grand
curl " wat you say do dat, Monsieur Judge, eh ?"
" Why, I say that it was any thing but a legal tender," said
92 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
the Judge, " and the very worst representative of a specie
currency which he could offer you."
" I shave him, he want shave me," said the Frenchman, taking
another large pinch of snuff.
The defendant was now called on to state what he had to
say to the charge made against him. He admitted a part and
denied a part. It was true, he said, that the Frenchman had
shaved him for a month, powdered his face, cut his hair,
rubbed in the bear's grease, till he thought the hair of his head
would be mistaken for a grenadier's cap, it grew so strong,
and he took excessive pains to curl his whiskers ; but he em
phatically denied offering to remunerate him with Brandon
money. He merely pulled it out, he said, to show what a
loss he sustained as a holder of it; and in proof that he did
not do it as a fraud, he now offered to pay the barber in good
and current Second Municipality bills for his services.
The proposition was accepted the Frenchman's demand
was liquidated, and he left the office snuffitig his snuff, and
saying in triumph to the defendant "-By gar, 1 can shave you,
but you can no shave me, not no how ha! ha!"
A SMALL TEA PARTY.
SHOWING THE CONNECTION BETWEEN SCANDAL AND
SOUCHONG.
'TWAS eve. The sun tinged the west with a golden glow ;
a light, gossamer veil, which undulated in the breeze, carpeted
the earth ; the sapless tree leaves rustled as some feathered
gallant flew from branch to branch in quest of his mate, and
echoes mellowed down by distance breathed on the air softly
and sweetly as a lover's wooings. This may be called a very
poetical prelude to a very anti-poetical sketch. Be that as it
may, it was at the time described above, that Miss Jones,
on Sunday evening last, paid her usual weekly visit to the
Misses Jenkins. The Misses Jenkins, to use their own fa
vourite phrase, are "very peculiar remarkably peculiar"
people, and Miss Jones, by some secret sympathy of nature,
is just as peculiar as they are. The Misses Jenkins don't
keep a house, but they rent apartments, and follow the fancy-
dress making business; Miss Jones is in the bonnet line,
and boards out. The consequence is, that Miss Jones calls
A SMALL TEA PARTY. 93
oftener to see the Misses Jenkins than the Misses Jenkins do
to see Miss Jones ; and the further%ffect of this state of things
is, that Miss Jones drinks more of the Misses Jenkins's tea
than they do of hers. This leaves the balance of trade in
favour of the Misses Jenkins, and as individuals, like nations,
feel a jealousy for their interests when they begin to find out
that they give more than they receive, they sometimes put a
protective tariff on their evening beverage by closing the front
doors and window shutters, and reporting themselves, through
the coloured Abigail, " not at home." Such a report was about
to be made on Sunday evening. But, as Burns says,
" The best laid schemes of mice and men
Gang aft aglt-y."
So say we, do often the plans and projects of women. Miss
Jones was not to be "not at home'd" by the servant; so
passing her, and going to the inner room, she found both the
Misses Jenkins there asleep, of course. She soon applied to
them the reverse passes, as a mesmeriser would say, and woke
them up. They were so glad to see Miss Jones, and so angry
with the servant for reporting them not at home, when they
distinctly told her thtfy were always at home to Miss Jones
but never to Miss Fitzfry ; and they would have been so
lonesome, too, if she had not come, and she was such good com
pany. After a mutual interchange of such compliments, they
adjourned to the front room, where the buttered toast was on the
table, and the tea was undergoing the progress of abstraction.
But before we place them behind their favourite beverage, let us
take a look at Miss Jones, her conjoint hostesses, and their
front room. Miss Jones was but a woman's age is not to
be spoken of; she had a cock-up nose, something like the
lower half of the letter S, a wiry sort of face, and a tall, atten
uated form, that was uniform in its want of fulness from
the ankles to the ears. The Misses Jenkins were a pair of
Siamese twins, so far as mutual resemblance, thoughts and
tastes went. They were low of stature, with faces that plainly
bespoke an irascible temper. The room in which they had
assembled might be, and we believe was, some fifteen feet by
twelve in diameter. The walls were ornamented with coloured
plates of the fashions, cut from the monthly magazines. A
sofa, from which the curled hair was protruding, had its place
opposite the grate ; a ricketty arm chair undulated near the
fonder; a small table, which contained the tea equipage, stood
94 PICKINGS FROM THE U PICAYL'NE. W
near the centre, arid som half dozen ordinary chairs very
ordinary ones filled up the intermediate space round the
room. Miss Jenkins, the elder, did the honours of the table.
Before pouring out the tea, she indulged in a dissertation on
the injurious effects which strong narcotics have on the nervous
system, and to prove that she practised what she preached
that her practice was in consonance with her theory she
proceeded to pour out the beverage, which looked, as it
streamed from the pot, and as it proved to be, a most neutral
concoction, which, if analyzed, would be found to contain
one part of tea and ninety-nine parts of boiling water. The
toast was but lightly buttered, but that the fair hostess ac
counted for by saying there was no Goshen in the market,
and who could use any thing else ; and if the brown sugar
was too soft, it was accounted for by the rain's being too hard
in Cuba. They commenced operations, however, and other
themes than the strength of the tea or the rancid taste of the
butter engrossed their attention. It is strange, but yet a fact,
and one for which philosophers have never accounted, that
drinking tea begets a desire to talk of one's neighbours. The
trio of ladies in question, not being of course exempt from the
general influences that operate on our* nature, were suddenly
inoculated with the cacoethes loquendi. Miss Jones had seen
the Misses Riptons return from church, and such frights of
bonnets as they wore. She noticed for the first time that
Maria squints most ruefully, and that Martha turns in her toes
when she walks, like a shoemaker. Miss Jenkins, the elder,
never liked to speak of people behind their backs ; she had an
utter aversion to the practice, and believed that was the reason
she hated Miss Smith, who had such an awful habit of speak
ing of people in their absence. She could not avoid saying to
Miss Jones in confidence, however, that there were some most
scandalous stories afloat about Maria Ripton ; and one of them
was that she was seen going down to the lake late one evening
with Dick Fitwell, the tailor and another that she takes gin
in her lemonade. She herself did not believe a word of these
slanders, and would enjoin Miss Jones not to repeat them, ex
cept in a confidential manner and to a particular friend.
Miss Jones pledged herself never to open her lips on the
subject unless it was as a secret. It seemed almost incredible,
and still she was inclined to believe it ; some young women
do such strange things now-a-days. There was Miss Hartwell,
didn't she borrow Miss Meldon's dress to go to the ball last
NED BROWN, DONE BROWN. 1)5
week, and actually had the assurance to send % it home without
washing it !
"Did you ever!" said the two Miss Jenkins in concert, and
Miss Jones echoed " never !" and so they went on, commencing
with Miss Ripton, and going through the whole circle of their
acquaintance, whose peculiarities and peccadilloes they dis
sected and bisected canvassed and criticised till after the
miniature alembic on the table refused to disgorge any more of
its liquid beverage
When they had got through with their tea and tired with
their talk, Miss Jones rose to leave. The Misses Jenkins bid
her an affectionate good night, and asked her if she would not
soon come again, yet the door had not been well closed on
her when they mutually wished never to see her face again.
She had such a nasty habit of speaking of people behind their
backs, a practice of which, they thanked goodness, they were
never guilty.
It is queer, how we thus censure others for conduct which
very often forms the ruling passion of our own character, but
as that astute philosopher Sam Slick says, we suppose " it's
human natur."
NED BROWN, DONE BROWN.
NED BROWN was arrested in Camp street, opposite Lafayette
Square on Friday night, as Hue, as brandy toddies could make
him.
"It was ,,ust at the time when the weary gun
Told the niggert the time for retiring ;
And Ned felt as though he'd be on tor some fun,
He cried out " hallo ! stop that 'ere firing 1"
"Stop that 'ere firing!" he cried out again " there aint no
need of it. We've licked the Britishers, and we're able to do
it again, but there aint no use making too much noise about
it; it isn't magnanimous no how you can fix it, besides the
troops is all dismissed and there's no need in fooling them.
Popping off a gun at night aint poetical neither, and as I views
it is an approach to amalgamation principles, because it is
popping the question in a sorter way to the niggers It
won't never furnish such an idea as
* The curfew tolls the knell of parting day.'
96 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
The fact is, there's music in a bell, but there aint none in a
cannon, except when its fired at the enemy. Hallo ! how
every thing swims round like a woman in a wallz ; dang it, 1
believe I drank one glass too much to-day. Let me see : 1
took my bitters in the morning, I took a glass with a friend
just before breakfast, and another before 1 turned out to see
the procession, and and and O, dang it, I have lost the
hang of them ; but why should I bring myself to the degraded
level of my tavern keeper, and make an entry of my drinks
he'll want them to fill up his schedule, then why should I
give myself any trouble about it?"
" I should like to know," said the watchman, coming up
"I should like to know what you is a talking about."
"About my private business the manner in which my
domestic affairs is conducted," said Brown, " but I should like
to know, old feller, if I can't talk about what I d n please
without you coming and pokin' your nose in my face as if
you wanted to smell what 1 was saying instead of hearing it."
u It's part of my system," said the watchman.
"O, dang your system," said Brown, " improve it right off
Berker, the writing master, says as how he can improve the
worst system in six lessons of one hour each ; put yourself
under him and see if he don't teach you something as you
don't know."
" That's enough," says Charley, "I has a duty to perform,
and, as the feller with the plaid kilt says in the play,
' If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well
It were done quickly.'
" I'm O. K. off for the calaboose, and so is you." Charley
placed Brown in the watchhouse without saying another word.
He was discharged on paying jaifr fees.
L-A-W!
AMONG the prisoners in the Recorder's court of the First
Municipality yesterday, were two individuals who claim to
belong to one of the learned professions ! A singular coinci
dence that, to have two men whose daily duty it is to unloose
the manacles of the law when they are cast around others,
caught themselves in its intricate and perplexing meshes. We
will not give names, but shall call them No 1 and No. 2.
L-A-W. 97
No. 1, whose face is familiar to the Recorder, was called.
"Mr. ," said the Recorder, in a voice so loud that
rendered a repetition by the crier unnecessary, " Come up
here, sir !" and Mr. , whose
" Right leg is good and whose left leg is wood,"
hobbled up to the bench.
Recorder. " You have been drunk again ; 1 see you have ; I
know you have ; aint you ashamed of yourself; you, who come
here to get other people from prison every other day, to be so
often yourself in that dock; are you not ashamed of your
self?"
No. 1, whose nerves appeared to be utterly powerless and
his strength entirely prostrated from the effect of his debauch,
said " No, no, Mr. Bertus, you form a wrong opinion of me :
there is some one behind the curtain who poisons your ear to
my prejudice some person who stabs in the dark who "
" Come, clear out sir," says the Recorder, " and let me
never see you brought to this place a prisoner again."
No. 2 appeared to have more eccentricity and less brandy
toddies in him than No. 1. He had one shabby, "shammy"
glove which was drawn over his right hand, and which he
took some pains to expose ; the rest of his dress was in the
sere and yellow leaf.
Recorder. " What are you ?"
No. 2 " I am. may it please the court, an attornery at law,
have just arrived in your city."
Recorder. " How came you to be in street last evening
in a state of intoxication ?"
No. 2. "Lex neminem cogit ostendere quod nescire prcesum-
itur which signifieth, when rendered in English, the law will
oblige no man to declare that of which he is presumed to be
ignorant.
Recorder. " Will you promise not to get tipsy again ?"
No. 2. Lex neminem cogit ad impossibilia the law com
pels no man to impossibilities."
Recorder. " Since you are such a rigid stickler for the law
I shall fine you, agreeably to law, $20 for drawing a knife on
the constable who took you."
JVo. 2. u If you do, sir, I'll appeal to the legus legum."
Orders were given to place a retainer on No. 2 and his
body in safe custody, to keep until the fine be paid ; and so
ended the case of the learned lawyers.
64
98 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
REGULATING THE CURRENCY.
VARIOUS have been the ways suggested since the the " crisis ''
of '37 for regulating the currency, and still the currency re
mains unregulated, or in a state of disorder. About every man
in the Union, from Van Buren, who suggested the sub-treasury,
to the petty pedler in pumpkins, who issued his individual
shinplasters from Tom Benton, of the better currency noto
riety, to the directors of the Brandon Bank, of the worse cur
rency notoriety lias exercised his financial skill in regulating
the currency. Nicholas Biddle, who was considered the
" great regulator," like all others, up to this time, having failed
in the attempt, a thousand pigmy financiers have started into
existence, each of them assuring the public that he and he
alone has discovered the sure and certain method for regulat
ing the currency. Their nostrums have all in turn been ap
plied to the exchanges, and still the currency is deranged
etill our suffering is intolerable. We are beginning to think
that the currency, like the individual members of the family
of chickens among which the donkey kept dancing, will have
to take care of itself.
If Jerry Brady's mode of regulating the currency does not
display any striking points in the way of providing a general
circulating medium, or facilitating trade and commerce, it cer
tainly has originality about it.
Jerry was yesterday arraigned before the Recorder, charged
by Kitty Kane with stealing from her two $3 municipality
notes and a specie dollar.
Recorder to Kitty. u Will you prove that he stole your
money ?"
Kitty. " O, the Lord be betune us an harm ! Recorder,
avourneen ; do you think I'd tell ye a lie, after bein' yesther-
day wid tire priest ?"
Recorder. "What circumstances lead you to believe he
stole it?"
Kitty. " O, the crass of Christ about us ! who else could
take it, barrin' the fairies ? and sure there's none of them in
this counthry."
REGULATING THE CURRENCY. 99
Recorder. "Where had you it?"
Kitty. " That I may niver do hurt or harm, your anar, if
I hadn't it rowled up in me trashbag, as careful as if it was a
letther from home was in it."
Recorder. " Had you anything in your purse but the two
$3 bills and the silver dollar which the prisoner took ?"
Kitty. " Nothin' in the world at all at all, your anar, but
two three dollars more, another silver dollar and me karackter."
Recorder. "Your what?"
Kitty. " Me karackter, plase your riverence."
Recorder. " Why, you don't carry your character in your
pocket do you ?"
Kitty. " Yis, sir I had the one in it I got from me last
place."
The Recorder now comprehended that Kitty alluded to a
written certificate of good conduct ; and he was also in pos
session of the main facts on which the accusation was founded.
Telling Kitty to stand back, he addressed himself to Jerry
Brady, who stood all this time scratching his head, now un
buttoning and now buttoning his vest, raising his feet as if he
was standing on heated iron, and laying them down again
betraying, in fact, every possible symptom of uneasiness.
Recorder. " Brady, what have you to say to this charge ?"
Jerry. (Looking in the most imploring manner possible at
Kitty.) "O, sarrah ha'porth I have to say, yer anar; sure
Kitty knows it was all a joke."
Recorder. "Rather a serious joke, my good fellow, to
steal seven dollars from her."
Jerry. " Well, I'll till your anar how it was, as thrue as
if I kissed the Bible. You see I met twofrinds from theould
country that I didn't put me two lookin' eyes on afore sense
I left New Yark, and I axed thim to take somethin' ; but, be
gor, I forgot that 1 hadn't a picayune in the world. I took
thim in, howsomedever, and treated thim ; and sis I to thim,
sis I, c Boys, stop here, I want to go out, but I'll be back to
you in as short time as a cat 'ud be aitin' a ha'porth of 5utther.
So I can run out to Kitty, and began to joke wid her about
wheder she or I had the most money, though purshumin to
the farthin' good or bad I had. She pulled out her fourteen
dollars, and dared me to show as much ; whin 1, out of a
joke, put siven of thim in me pocket, and ran away laughin'.
' Biddy,' sis 1, < you have siven dollars now, and I have siven
dollars, and that is the nearest way that I know of for regulating
100 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
the currency.' I spint the money, sir, but I'm willin' to give
her me I. O. U. for it."
Certain friends interposed, Kitty accepted Jerry's terms for
liquidating the debt, the prosecution was withdrawn, and all
the parties left the office on the most friendly footing.
VAGARIES OF THE MOON.
THOMAS MOON was arrested on Friday night, for being
eclipsed by a cloud of liquor.
" What's your name ?" said the watchman.
" Moon," said Tom.
"You can't shine, Mr. Moon !" said the watchman.
" I can't, that's a fact," said Tom, "though I have filled my
horns, and emptied them, too ; but give me a hand help me
to rise. You know what Byron says
'The Moon is up !
By heavens ! a glorious sight !' "
" Yes, I knows all that," said the watchman ; " but it's no
matter whether I does or not, 'cause it aint in the ordinance
it aint nothing but poetry, and my old 'ooman always told
me as how poetry is nonsense ; so come along to the watch-
house, Mr. Moon."
" I cry quarter," said Moon.
" You shall get a quarter that is, three calendar months
in the workhouse," said the watchman.
"Then you extinguish the light of my prospects for ever,"
said Moon.
" Not a bit of it," said the watchman ; " for instead of put
ting you out, I put you in." And so, without saying more on
the subject, he took off Moon to the calaboose, a place where
he had often been before.
He was immediately recognised by the officer of the night
whose first salutation to him was
" Why, Moon, how do you rise !"
" 1 don't rise at all," said Moon " I'm on the decline."
" And so you have let yourself be taken up again," said the
officer. " Well, Mr. Moon," he added, " I will not pretend to
say that you are made of green cheese ; but, from the number
TOM STAR. 101
of times which you have recently let yourself fall into the
hands of the watch, I do say that you must be composed of
some very verdant material."
Mr. Moon got his third quarter in the workhouse from the
Recorder.
TOM STAR } |\j I
TOM STAR, a fellow of lean T dsage an,d, .^
whose wardrobe was made up of ^fireds &u(T.
arrested in Carondelet street on Friday" night " strolling his
hour" on the side walk. The stars of heaven were veiled in
the hazy atmosphere of the night, and Tom Star thought it a
fitting time for him to shine out in all the radiance of dra
matic splendour.
Tom.
" 'O grim lock'd night ! O night with hue so black!
O night, which ever art, when day is not !
night, night, alack, alack, alack.'
D n me, I feel as if I could take another brandy toddy .
is there no house open ?"
" I say, my covey," says Charley, " I'm blow'd if you ain<
either slewed, mad, or in love."
Tom. " Yes, I own I have a distempered brain. But what's
the cause ? Aye, there's the rub.
1 Lovers and madmen have such seething brains
Such sharping phantasies, that apprehend
More than cool reason ever comprehends :
The lunatic, the lover and the poet
Are of imagination all compact.'
But tell me, hast thou seen my Julia r"
M I doesn't know the young 'ooman," says Charley.
" What's her number ? Who is she ?"
" Her number ! who is she !" says Tom Star, echoing the
queries of the watchman. " Her number I precisely know
not, but well do I know she is all that painting can express
or youthful poets fancy, when they love!"
u O, I sees," says Charley, u that you is a reg'lar goner.
I'm blow'd if Pease horehound candy, or Stillman's highly
concentrated compound syrup of sarsaparilla and pills can
cure you."
102 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
Tom Star. " Alas ! thou speakest truly, too truly.
' Oh could I feel as I have felt or be what I have been,
Or weep as I could once have wept, o'er many a vanish'd scene:
As springs in deserts found seern sweet, all brackish though they be,
So 'midst the withered waste of life, those tears would flow to me." '
[Here Tom pulls from his coat pocket a faded and unwash
ed remnant of a French silk pocket handkerchief, which he
applies t,o his orbits and acts the pathetic. He then dashes
on" at a tangent from sorrow to joy, and commenced sing
ing]-^ .....
* -" * 'K' And fet me the' canakin clink, clink ;
' 'Ami 'let- ine 'tr*e ranakin clink ;
A soldier's a man,
A life's but a span
Why then, let a soldier drink.' "
" Stop that ere," said Charley ; " it aint agreeable to the
stature in that case made and provided, to sing in the streets
at this time o' night."
Tom Star. " Fool ! knowest thou not that canticles are
sung
' Where angels join in harmony :
Preposterous ass ! that never read so far
To know the cause why music was ojdained !' "
" O, there aint no use in all this here poe-try and nonsense,"
said Charley. " You is evidently either mad or in love,
which is about the same thing if it was figured out rightly.
If J was to leave you here you might commit suicide, and the
law would bring me in as accessary to the fact, for not doing
my duty ; so you must come to the watch'us."
Tom Star, assuming a firm step and in a theatrical stride,
advanced to Charley, and grasping him like a maniac, he said
in a voice a la Forrest " Good friend, for such I call thee, I
am nor mad, nor do 1 love- I loved once, but away with the
passion now! ButJ hate the world, and
' There is no passion
More spectral or fantastical than hate \
Not even its opposite, love, so peoples the air
With phantoms, as this madness of the heart !' "
Very well," said Charley, " I'll argue that pint 'ud you
to-morrow ;" and without listening to another word from Tom
Star he took him to the watch house.
Yesterday morning poor Tom looked like a tree prema-
TOM STAR. 103
turely despoiled of its foliage, or like King Lear in the storm
scene.
" Tom Star," says the Recorder.
" Tom Star," repeated the officer, " dont you hear yourself
called ?"
" When it is my cue to answer," said Tom, coolly folding
his arms and casting a disdainful look at the watchman " I
need no prompter. Sir," he continued, turning to the judge
and sinking his head somewhat " I am your most obsequi
ous servant."
" Mr. Star," said the Recorder, " you are charged with being
found drunk last night."
"Yes," says Tom, " I own I was drunk. I got drunk in
one of my weaknesses ; it seems to be a failing inseparable
from genins.
' O, that a mighty man of such descent,
Of such possessions, and so high esteem
Should be infused with so foul a spirit !' "
Recorder. " The watchman charges you with being abu
sive to him."
Tom Star. " Doubtless, your honour, I may have been ;
but you know what the immortal Bard of Avon says
' Good wits will be jangling : but gentles agree.'
But," continued Mr. Star, " where is my accuser ?"
"Watchman Higgins," said the Recorder; and immediately
a clean shaved watchman with a well starched, white collared
shirt sticking up round his jaws made his appearance.
" Here he is," said the Recorder.
Tom Star.
" ' That face of his do I remember well :
Yet when I saw it last, it was besmear" d
As black as Vulcan, in the smoke of war.' '
" No matter how he looked," said the Recorder , " he is
the man who arrested you."
" Well," said Tom Star," before this court and high heaven
I"
" Silence," said the Recorder.
Tom Star.
" ' I must have liberty
Withal, as large a charter as the wind,
To blow on whom I please ; for so fools have ;
And they that are most galled with my folly,
They most must laugh.'
104 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
Cruel Julia," he continued, first clasping his hands and look
ing up at the ceiling and then striking his forehead " Cruel
Julia
' The time was once, when thou unurged wouldst vow
That never words were music to thine ear,
That never object pleasing to thine eye,
That never touch welcome to thy hand,
That never meat weet savor' d to thy taste,
Unless I spake, look'd, touch'd, or carv'd to thee !' "
" That will do," said the Recorder, who found that Tom
Star was neither a dangerous or suspicious character, but one
the chamber of whose senses were partially empty " That
will do, you may go ;" and Tom went off, R. H. U. E., which
in stage parlance means, right hand upper entrance.
A JOLLIFICATION IN JAIL.
WITH even the poor outcast inmates of the parish jail
Christmas-day was a day of festivity and temporary social
enjoyment.
Mr. Bouligny, the sheriff, gave them on Christmas-day what is
termed in flash phrase " a blow out." He had prepared for them
some fine pieces of roast beef, a couple of whole hogs, had plums
put in their rice pudding, and gave them a double allowance
of grog. In fact, he did every thing to make them happy for
the day, and they did every thing, on their part, to second his
humane intention. Many of them seemed to forget, for the
time being, that the felons brand was on their forehead that
crime had attainted their character, and that in a country where
all are by right alike free, they have voluntarily forfeited that
proud privilege, and are the manacled captives of their country,
instead of enjoying as they should, all the immunities, social
and political, of its citizenship. But a truce to moralizing.
They were happy on the occasion. Why should not we be
while describing it ? so we will fly off at a tangent from grave
to gay.
THE DINNER.
The table was laid in the large yard of the prison, and the
viands having been dished up, Jim Jones was by unanimous
acclamation called on to take the stool, and John Smith was
voted in Vice.
A JOLIFICATION IN JAIL. 105
MR. JONES' SPEECH.
Jim Jones, on taking the stool, said " Fellow-freemen !
[" Oh ! oh !" from two members on the right of the stool, and
" Pm blowed if that ain't a good 'un !" from a little terrier-
faced fellow on the left of the president. There were cries
of "Order! order!" from several parts of the table, and order
being restored, Mr. Jones proceeded.]- Fellow-prisoners : I
now say, as I was about to say when I was interrupted by my
friends on the right and left, I thank you for the honour you
have conferred on me by calling me to preside at this festive
board. Were I to tell you how deeply, how intensely I feel the
compliment, I would be compelled to steal the language nay,
the very ideas themselves, from the published proceedings of
some political dinner party ; and this would be petty larceny,
indeed a crime so mean, that were I guilty of it, I would
deserve, and I feel certain I would receive, the scorn and con
tempt of ever)*jgentleman at this table who has, like myself,
made a profession of roguery, and is capable of appreciating
honour among thieves."
Here a long, hungry-looking fellow cried out "Why, look
here, Mr. Chairman: this here gammon will do very well by-
and-bye ; but doesn't you see that the soup is getting cold !"
J\tr. Jones. "I assure the gentleman who leaves here for
Baton Rouge on Saturday, with the advice and consent of
twelve of his fellow-citizens, that I have not a word more to
say on the present occasion."
John Smith [rising]. " Vel, with the parmission of the
chair, I has just a vord or two to slip in edgevize, I calls on
the chairman to say if there vasn't nothin' personal in ap-
pointin' me to the sitivation of wice."
Chairman. "Mr. Vice, 1 cannot open the door for discus
sion at the present time."
Vice. "Veil then, I'm blowed if I don't break it open, and
there von't be no burglary in that it ain't sunset yet !"
Order being at length restored, the Rev. Mr. DePutron was
called on to say grace, after which operations were commenced,
and the tinkling of tin plates told of the justice which was being
done to tl* re past.
" Mr. Granger," said the chairman to a fellow with a swivel
eye, who sat near the centre of the table, and was vigorously
engaged in anatomizing a rib of roast beef " Mr. Granger, my
friend on my right charges you with eating no dinner!"
106 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
Mr. Granger. [Holding the rib of beef horizontally across
his mouth, and looking two ways at once] " Not guilty, your
honour."
J\fr. Smilh^ the Vice-President. [Addressing a savage, cut
throat-looking customer who sat near him.] " I'm Mowed,
Brown, if you ain't valkin' into that pork and beans vith a
perfect looseness !"
Brown [in a surly tone].*" Veil, there ain't no harm in that
there ain't no wiolation of the hact unless it's taken and
carried away /"
Chairman. " Mr. Stealwell, won't you try this ham ?"
This was addressed to a little, grey-eyed, sharp-nosed man,
vho acts as prosecuting attorney in all the mock trials that
are held in the prison.
Mr. Stealwell [in a squeaking voice]. "No, thank you,
Mr. Chairman; I have entered a noli prosequi in that
case."
Thus they bandied about their criminal quiffs and personal
puns till the tin -plates and picked bones were removed, ft
must be understood that they did not enjoy the luxury of a
table cloth.
Having arrived at this stage of the proceedings, the chairman
called on the gentlemen to fill for a bumper, and in a few
moments every man's saucepan was full to overflowing of pure
Monongahela.
Chairman. "Gentleman, I will give you 'The Law
the Law, gentlemen : one of the principal pillars of a free
State!'"
Here there were cries of " D n the law !" " The law
is a humbug, and so is the chairman !" " The law ought to
be abolished it's a remnant of kingly tyranny !"
The majority of the company protested against drinking the
toast, although they all managed to drink the whiskey, when
the chair called on them to fill again. They did so, and he
gave ~-'- 9
" Our public institutions Baton Rouge and Sing-Sing Peni
tentiaries monuments of the high state of civilization which
we have attained !" ^
Here there was a general groan for the " silent system ;"
and to show that they were not then under its control, every
one seemed anxious to make as much noise as he could.
Several tin saucepans were emptied of their contents and shyed
TIM FLANIGAN'S GHOST. 107
at the head of the chairman, who was compelled to retire for
safety to his cell. John Smith, the vice, was then promoted
to the place vacated by the late chairman.
We are admonished to report no further progress, and there
fore close with the favourite phrase "The festivities were
kept up till a late hour in the evening.""
TIM FLANIGAN'S GHOST.
A STORY OF THE CHARITY HOSPITAL I FOUNDED ON FACT.
THERE is a strong prejudice call it vulgar if you will
against the dissection of human bodies. However much the
practice may subserve the cause of science, but few are willing
that the corpse of their friend should be subjected to the opera
tion of the scalpel. The march of intellect must be onward, un
interrupted in its course, for another century at least, ere people
altogether divest themselves of those old fashioned scruples.
We like to have the bones of those we loved in life quietly
interred in death we prefer to have them reposing beneath
the green sward of the most humble grave yard, though no
carved stone or sculptured monument marks the spot, than to
see them gracing the lecture room of the most celebrated sur
gical institution, and used as an anatomical ABC, for the
study of some embryo Sir Astley Cooper.
It was this feeling commendable in our opinion as it is
which gave rise to a rather ludicrous scene at the Charity
hospital on an evening of the past week.
A wag, who knew an Irishman to be sick in the hospital,
was determined to have a joke at the expense of poor Patrick's
wife's feelings feelings which were as surcharged with love
pure and virtuous love for that sick, penniless husband, as
though honour and wealth were his and she basked in the
sunshine of both.
Here is a copy, verbatim et literatim, of a letter he sent her :
" CHARITY HOSPITAL, ?
Thursday evening, 4 o'clock. 3
" Dear Peggy I died this mornm* at tin o'clock. If you don't cum
and take me away out of this, these butcherin', canibal docthors will (
away out 01 this, these butchenn , canibal docthors will cut
me up in bits while you'd be fryin' a herrin, and they'll do it as uncon-
sarned as you'd carve a St. Matin's goose. Peggy, a' colleen, you know
none of the family iver died 'ithout a dacint funeral, barin' rne brother
108 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
Terry, and he didn't die at all at all, for he was kilt in the field of battle
fightui the French; so, a cushla, tell all the boys I'm ded ; sell the furnil
ture to get a hearse ; and let me have an illigant funeral. Do, Biddv
bury me dacint.
" Yours, till death does us part,
" TIM
"P. S. Hurry, or the docthors will have me, and they'll cut me up in
bits to lecthur on me body just as Tom Horan, the school-master used
to cut up a praytee, when he'd be lecthurin' on algebra and explaynin' the
sides and angles of a parallelogram. The docthors ! Hurry !
T. F. 1
Poor Peggy opened the letter, saw the announcement of
Tim's death, and read, her eyes suffused with tears, his dying
injunction to her to save him from the scalpel of the surgeons.
Without once perceiving the absurdity it contained, or stop
ping to criticise its incongruities, she ran to the undertakers ;
hired a hearse and carriage, and, accompanied by a couple of
Tim's friends on horseback, hurried on to the hospital. Hav
ing arrived there, Peggy, in that plaintive funeral cry half
melody and half mourning peculiar to the peasantry of her
sex in the west of Ireland, keaned out as she left the carriage :
" thin, Tim, Tim, a vick-o-machree, why did you die ?
And lave me in a furreign land, without a frind ;
Sure, when you were by me side I didn't fear the fayver ;
But now that you're gone, whose to protect me at all all !"
" What's the matter, my good woman ?" says the gentleman
who officiates as clerk of the hospital ; " what's the matter ?"
Poor Biddy heeded not what he said. She had lost so
she thought her Tim ; and her mind was too full of grief to
entertain a thought that was not of him.
One of Tim's equestrian friends, however, replied in a surly
tone She wants the dead body of her husband, and she
must have it too. Don't think you're goin' to larn the art of
killin' people and cuttin' off limbs, upon him, tho' he did die
in the Charity Hospital !"
" Pray, what's his name ?" inquired the clerk.
" His name was Tim Flanigan ; but he's dead now the
Lord be'good to his sowl ! and in truth, if he was alive and
in his own father's house to-day, it isn't dead he'd be in a
Charity Hospital !" replied Tim's friend.
" Tim Flanigan ! why he's not dead it is but a short time
since he took his soup!" said the clerk.
" Yis, and^e gor it isn't long till we give you your tay, if
you don't let us have the body !" said Tim's friend.
In short, they would have Tim vJead ; and they would have
POOR JACK. 109
the body ; and they would go up to the room in which they
knew him to be, or to have been. Up, therefore, they went.
Tim had just fallen into a slumber, after having taken his soup.
He was dreaming of the green fields of his childhood, or, may
hap, of that period of life still green in his memory, which the
frosts of adversity could never render withered or arid
that period when the rosy cheek and soft blue eye of Peggy
first
" Caught his youthful fancy !"
Whatever he was dreaming of, Peggy was thinking of but him.
She flew to give him an embrace, but before she could clasp
his horizontal form he had awoke, and sprung upright in the
bed as suddenly as if he had been galvanized.
Peggy fainted Tim's two courageous, equestrian friends
ran to the gate, mounted their horses and galloped home,
swearing they saw Tim Flanigan's ghost ; that every room in
the hospital was haunted with sperets, and that they'd never
go for Tim's corpse agin till there had been three masses said
for the repose of his sowl.
Peggy soon recovered, and instead of finding Tim a corpse
was rejoiced to find him convalescent.
POOR JACK.
. " There's a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft,
And keeps watch for the life of poor Jack !"
THUS sang the poet Dibdin; but, like most all other
poetry, it is more to be admired for its imagination than for
its reality. That instances are innumerable where the life
of poor Jack has been miraculously saved from destruction
by Divine Providence, we will admit ; but for what good pur
pose, we ask, does this sweet little cherub keep constant
watch over him ? Is it to inure him to privations and perils
at sea, such as few landsmen feel, and to lead him into
intemperance and expose him to imposition when ashore ?
It is really frightful to see the poor, honest, unsophisti
cated sailors lavishing in riot and dissipation the meagre wages
which they receive for their hazardous and laborious ser
vices. It may be said that this language applies to sailors
as they were^ not as they are. If they have improved in their
110 PICKINGS FROr.I THE " PICAYUNE."
habits we rejoice at it, though, should any one take a walk
by the taverns to which they resort, as we did very recently,
he will see but little evidences of the desirable reformation.
He will see them in dirty squads, sitting round dirty tables,
playing dirty cards, drinking dirty-looking liquor, or other
wise engaged in riotous dissipation.
It would be indeed well if the sailor were taught to eschew
these habits if he were taught a proper degree of self-respect,
and that there were other incentives to his ambition than that
of being first to mount the rigging or take in or make sail.
One of them, a redfaced, unshaved fellow, with hair like
the Mississippi water of a muddy, yellow colour, and wearing
a dress distinctive of his calling, was yesterday brought before
the Recorder, on the charge of being drunk and creating a
disturbance in the street.
Recorder (to the prisoner) " How came you to get so
drunk ?"
Sailor " Well, Lord love your honour, that's more nor I
well knows. I met you sees, with an old shipmate that I
hadn't seen for several years. We went, of course, to take a
glass of grog together ; we then began to compare reckonings
and read over log-books, and while at this, glass followed
glass. Neither of us, it appeared, made very prosperous voy
ages. Sal, my old shipmate's sweetheart that he left after
him when he went on his last voyage to India, and who
promised to splice braces with him on his return cut the
fastenings while he was away, and put out with a ^ubberly
tailor. And my Bess poor girl ! with whom I hoped to
labour for life she didn't run away with a tailor oh, no
but her timbers, your honour, were too weak for this stormy
world, and though she was as trim and pretty a craft as was
ever moored in a fellow's heart, she sunk into the grave !
while I was on my last whaling voyage. The telling of these
things to one another, your honour, made our hearts spring a
leak, like, and we took grog by way of caulking, to stop it."
The Recorder asked the police officer if he was offensive,
or had insulted any person. The officer said he was not; but
he was staggering along the side-walk, scarcely able to walk,
and was singing
"A tar he is a jolly dog
He loves his lass and he likes his grog"
;t Well, then," said the Recorder, " I shall dismiss him. But, u
NED K.\o OJ\ T ELECTIONS. Ill
said he addressing the prisoner, " if you should be brought up
again, I shall send you to the calaboose."
" Don't fear that, your honour ; I'll keep a look-out ahead
for breakers hereafter while I'm in the city. You shan't find
me hauled up again by such a piratical-looking wrecker as
this here" alluding to the officer.
He then drew two dollars from the pocket of his blue jacket,
paid jail fees, and crowded sail out of the office.
NED KNOX ON ELECTIONS.
"I SAYS whooror! for the people," said Ned Knox on
Monday night " and I says, whooror for 'lections too. Fel
lers talk of inwentions, of locomotives, and lightin' rods,
and lectrifyin' machines, and all that, but them aint nothin'
compared with 'lections. 'Lections is the greatest inwen-
tion of the age, and congress ought to give the man what
fust made the model of them a patent right, renewable
forever. I admit that the principle might be improved ; a
feller with a genius could make it to move along with the
enlightened spirit of the age, as Bill Brown, the candidate for
the legislature, said. Now, if I was ingineer of the concern,
I'd clap on steam I'd fire up, I tell you ; you wouldn't get
me to stop the ingine, no way you could fix it; I'd never stop
to wood, nor take in passengers ; Td go ahead all the time ;
I'd hold perpetual 'lections and then a feller 'ud get his
liquor gratis all the time, and he could go to the choosen
candidate's swar-ee every night. Besides, these perpetual 'lec
tions 'ud have more influence on the manners of the people
than an act would, if one was to pass congress to inculcate
the principles of politeness. Talk of the people being free
and equal ! veil, folks that want somethin' to talk about may
talk of it, but it's all talk and no toddies men aint never free
and equal but at 'lection times. 'Lections, like orders of
enlistment, brings all men to the same standard them that
aint got no wote are too low for the service; them that's too
aristocratic are too high for the ranks, and won't get the com
mand. Therefore, I says again," said Ned Knox, " whooror f
for 'lections."
" I say, silence," said the watchman, who at a distance had
heard Ned's dissertation on elections, and took him to be a
112 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
Millente holding forth. " Silence, I is the guardian of the peo
ple's lives and properties, and it would be a wiolation of my
dhuty, 'cordin' to the corporation ord'nance, to let you frighten
folks out of their lives, or cheat them out of their property."
" Shut up," said Ned, " I doesn't care if you was an alder-
man I'm a hindependent woter."
" Well, and what if you be," said the watchman ; " the polls
is closed now."
Who cares," said Ned ; " I'm like a bill before the House'
I'm open for discussion."
" Then I moves," said the watchman, " that you be referred
and taken up before the Recorder to-morrow morning."
" I calls for the yeas and nays," said Ned.
" The question is carried," said the watchman, and he car
ried Ned Knox off to the watchhouse, reported progress to
the officer of the night, and, instead of asking leave to sit again,
went and took his stand.
JACK BURNS, THE BUSTER.
THE oddest looking fellow up before the Recorder yester
day was Jack Burns. He was a case of the superlative order,
or highly concentrated kind. His eyes were like a pair of
preserved beans ; nature had made an excavation in the centre
of his nose ; his lips were like a large plumb that became
cracked in the centre from being over ripe ; there was a hol
low in his chin as if it had been made there by a butter taster;
his hair was like a half-tanned fox skin, and his whole face
was as ragged as a newly picked mill-stone.
He was progressing along the Levee, if the term can be ap
plied to making three steps forward, two to the right, four to
the left, and an uncertain number backward. The motion of
his tongue, like the motion of his feet, went every which way.
He was singing, and whilst one of his notes was at D flat, the
next one jumped clear up to A sharp. The watchman could
not positively swear to what tune his song went, but from
the measure we would say that it was to the air of "Roy's
wife of Aldavallah." Thus it went :
Though I go upon the batter
To others it should make no matter ;
Yet if I get high,
Some watchman spy,
Says, shut up why make so d d a clatter ?
JACK BURNS, THE BUSTER. 113
" And then," said Burns, descending from poetry to prose,
"he is sure to lay his grapling irons on me and take me right
off to the watchhouse."
" He does, does he," said the watchman, who had been
listening to the melody of Burns.
" I'm blamed if he dont," said Burns, " and I'll tell you
what it is, old feller, I look upon these here Charlies, both in-
diwidually and in the aggregate, as greater enemies to human
happiness and the peace of society, than either musquitos or
the Seminole Indians. I'm blow'd jf I doesn't have a law
of general hextermination passed agin all vatchmen and
vatch men's rattles by the next congress. They are the nat'ral
enemies of the 'uman race, and I wants to put a general hex-
tiuguisher on 'em."
" The d 1 you do," says Charley, who became some
what enraged at this wholesale denunciation of his whole
" order." " Well now, I tell you one thing, old feller, you
can't shine, no how you can fix it. Now, if you aint no ob
jection you'll come along with me, and we'll see to-morrow
how far you can carry out your principles."
" Why, you haint no vatchman," said Burns.
" Yes, but I are though," said Charley, "and a right up and
down one at that."
" Veil," said Burns, " you know I didn't mean vot I said
I vas but larkin'."
" I aint green," said Charley. " You can't throw sand in
this child's eyes. I can't stand no more nonsense : business
is business, as the Yankee said when he dived into the pump
kin pie ; so come along." And off he took Burns to the
Baronne street watchhouse.
As they went along the prisoner took much pains to con
vince his captor that the watchmen, taken as a body, or every
body among them taken as himself, were the best disposed
fellows in the world the protectors of men's lives and liberties,
and in fact whole-souled fellows in every sense of the word.
Charley was not to be caught in the trap, so he delivered
Burns in " good order and condition" to the constable of the
night at the Baronne street prison, where he was caged till
yesterday morning.
Before the Recorder he pleaded good intentions, but his
honour having recognized him as one who had been up before
and down before, to prevent him from being up again he sent
him down again for thirty days.
65
114 TICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
CON O'DONNELL THE CORNED.
CON O'DONNELL, the learned, liquoring, loafing Con O'Don-
nell was again up before Recorder Baldwin yesterday. Con
can solve the most difficult mathematical problem, but he can
not keep sober. He can trace the ancient republics of Greece
and Rome through their rise, the meridian of their glory, and
their fall ; but he very often falls down, unable to trace his
way home to his lodgings. He can describe the revolutions
of the heavenly bodies ; to describe the revolutions of his own
body would puzzle a Herschell. The philosophy of Franklin,
the eloquence of Patrick Henry, the poetry of Shakspeare,
and the romance of Scott are subjects upon which he can
dwell with an ardour bordering on enthusiasm their respec
tive beauties he can point out with the unerring eye of criti
cism, and yet, strange to say, there are times times which too
often occur when he actually cannot see " a hole through a
forty foot ladder."
" C0n O'Connell," said the Recorder.
Con, whose eye was in a fine phrensy rolling his mania a
potu stuck out a feet looked wildly round the court and ex
claimed in most tragical accents
" ' So this is Tyre, and this is the court.
Here must I kill King Pericles ; and if I do not, I
Am sure to be hanged at home.' "
" You were found drunk again last night, Con," said the
Recorder.
Con. Addressing the policeman in a peremptory manner-
" Give me my robe, put on my crown, I have
Immortal longings in me."
Recorder. " What does he say ?"
Con. Slapping his forehead with his open hand looking
up at the ceiling of the court, and throwing his body into a
melo-dramatic attitude
" Dissolve, thick cloud, and rain; that I may say
The gods themselves do weep."
The Recorder, without seeming to mind the strange antics
of Con, or his incoherent though classical answers to the
questions put to him, said
A REAL GAMIi COCK OF THE WILDERNESS. 115
" Con, 1 shall send you clown this time for thirty days ; there
seems to be no other mode of managing you."
Here Con fell back into his seat and in a voice mellowed
by the spirit of resignation, said
" I knew, I knew it could not last
'Twas bright, 'twas heavenly, but 'tis past!"
"Take him out," said the Recorder; and when the police
men went to execute the order, Con in an instant again threw
himself into an attitude of self-defence.
"Unhand me, gentlemen; by heaven I swear
I'll make a ghost of him that let's me."
The policemen, nothing daunted at the threats of Con, took
him out.
A REAL GAME COCK OF THE WILDERNESS.
CONSCIENCE, says Shakspeare, makes cowards of us all, and
odd conceits, say we, make fools of us all. A live hoosier,
who was returning from one of the fancy balls on Saturday
night last, while on his way home to his flat-boat cut up such
extraordinary shines and antics, that the watchman thought
him in every way entitled to an introduction to our worthy
Recorder. Two or three nights previous he had seen Dan
Marble in the " Game Cock of the Wilderness," and the thing
pleased him so well that he rigged himself out on Saturday
evening as much like the game chicken as possible, and went
to the ball. While there, he gave occasionally a crow and
took occasionally a drink, until at length he found himself
somewhat loaded down by the head, although elevated in spirits
and perfectly ripe for any thing.
The putting out of the lights at some two o'clock in the
morning was the signal for our hero to put out for home. He
felt so well, to use his own words, " that he couldn't hold
himself still," and so wide awake that at every corner he came
to he would flap his arms violently against his sides and crow
so much like a chicken, that every rooster in the neighbour
hood, thinking it the signal for day-break, joined in the chorus.
Chapman himself, in his happiest efforts, never could excel
this second Samson Hardhead.
He had just given a specimen of his skill in crowing at the
116 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
corner of Poydras and Tchoupitoulas streets, when a watch
man came up and told him he must make less noise.
" Noise ! Ooh-a-ooh-a-oooh ! Do you call that a noise ?"
said the fellow, giving another sample of his abilities at crow
ing.
"Noise, yes you must shut up. Who are you, any
how ?"
" I'm the second Game Cock of the Wilderness look out
for my gaffs," at the same time jumping sideways at the watch
man, hitting him with his right foot and elbow, and sending
him stumbling into the middle of the street.
"You're a hard chicken, at all events," said the Charley,
recovering himself and walking up to this new species of cus
tomer a second time. " Blow me if I can get the hang of
you."
" You will soon Ooh-a-ooh-a-oooh !" returned the droll
customer, hopping up and giving the watchman another " side
winder," as the latter called it in court. This was too much,
and the Charley accordingly called in the assistance of one of
his brethren and soon had the game cock safely under lock
and key. He crowed several times on his way to*the watch-
house, and once or twice tried to hop up and knock over the
Charlies upon the same principle a regular game chicken goes
to work at his adversary, but they soon understood his tricks
and took measures to keep out of reach. On being pushed
into the dark room, he broke out with
" Well, this is a pretty place I dont think. Its as dark as a
box of blackin'. Let me out or I'll butt the door down. I
wish I had my big lamp here to light up with. Its a perfect
prairie on fire. I sot -it out, once, the darkest night that ever
come over, and all creation riz, Thinkin' it was day-light. Let
me out. I'm a liberty pole and can't bear confinement." In
this way he went on, using, a part of the time, ideas he recol
lected from the play, and filling up the rest with original speci
mens of his own.
In the morning, on being brought before the Recorder, he
said his old name was Bill Bloom, but that he had taken that
of Samson Hardhead, Jr., because it pleased him better.
" Well, Samson," said his honour, " what do you follow ?"
" Crowing, principally," retorted Hardhead. " I've taken up
the business lately."
" You was fighting with a watchman last night," said the
Recorder.
A TAILOR'S NEEDLE MAGNIFIED INTO A BOWIE-KNIFE. 117
"Fighting! You dont call that fighting, do you? I was
only prac//seing on a new principle. If you should see me
4 sure enough ' fighting onc't you'd think war had broke out
in earnest. Fighting ! why, if J'd been really fighting with
that chap I'd have jumped clean down his throat and stopped
his digestion for a fortnight."
" State the circumstances of the arrest," said his honour to
the watchman.
The latter was proceeding, when the hoosier sung out
"'Squire, that varmint is telling lies so fast you can't find
time to believe him. Look here, 'Squire, do the thing that's
right by me, will you, but dont believe that chap."
" Silence," said the Recorder.
u Oh, well, if you're going in on the gagging principle I'm
shut up; but there's one thing you must understand that I'm an
American citizen, slightly touched with the game cock, and I
go in on the broad principle that one country is just as good
as another in time of peace, and a d d sight better. Ooh-
i-ooh-a-ooh ! day's a breakin' !"
" Silence !" again said the Recorder. " I shall fine you ten
dollars for this offence, but if you are caught here again you
wont get off so easy."
" Go ahead," said the hoosier, as he walked o/ut of the of
fice. He took one more crow, however, on the steps, arid
then made for his flat-boat.
A TAILOR'S NEEDLE MAGNIFIED INTO A BOWIE-
KNIFE!
THERE was nothing of consequence before the police offices
on Monday, if we except a case to which the parties were
The Stat.e vs. Antonio Rosendeau.
The defendant was a stunted little man-milliner, with a pair
of legs like the prongs of a pair of parlour tongs.
"Watchman O'Haia," said the Recorder "What is your
charge against Rosendeau ?"
" Carryin' consaled waypons, yer honour. He dhrew a sharp
^insthrument on me last night. 1 don't know whether it was a
bowie-knife or a dirk ; but it was mighty sharp, intirely. The
night was dark as pitch, yer honour or as a nager's blushes."
"O, Mon Dieu ! Mon Dieu ! said the French tailor.
118 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
" Silence !" said the Recorder.
" Did you see the weapon ?" said the Recorder to O'Hara.
" Blood-an'-turf ! to be sure I saw it," said O'Hara, "glistenin'
like a cat's eye, or the scales of a herrin' in the dark ! and, be
all that's holy ! I felt it, too ! Why, only for the way I de
fended meself with me stick, he'd have run it through me
body, jist as yer honour 'ud run a pin through a musquito !
Jis look at the little sharp nose of him, yer honour ! Doesn't
he look like a spalpeen that wouldn't meet a man in a dacint
stand-up fight, with his fists or a shillelagh ; but one that 'ud
be afther takin' a dirty advantage of a dacint boy, by committin'
suicide on him in the dark ?"
During the delivery of this exordium by O'Hara, the little
Frenchman agonised as if he had received religion at a camp
meeting, or as if his shoulders and muscles were worked by
invisible wires, and gave the witness the benefit of a consider
able number of sacres, which he delivered in an under tone.
" He did not inflict any severe wounds on you did he ?"
said the Recorder.
u Wound me, and I havin' a stick in me hand !" said O'Hara,
with surprise. " That's a disgrace that niver occurred to the
only son of Mick O'Hara (the Lord be good to him!) yet!
Wound me! oh, bat her shin /"
" What have you to say to this charge ?" said the Recorder
to the bandy-legged Frenchman, who seemed to pant for an
opportunity to contradict O'Hara.
" Be gar !" said the Frenchman, shaking his head at the Re
corder and his hands at O'Hara, " be gar ! it be all one grand
lie humbug ! Dere, dere be de only weepon me carry !" pull
ing out from the breast of his coat a formidable tailor's needle,
technically called a button-needle ! u He be one so big cow
ard, he thought it be one large sabre."
Several witnesses corroborated the French tailor's story : he
was discharged, and O'Hara was reprimanded for being guilty
of such an ocular error as mistaking a tailor's needle for a
bowie-knife!
GEORGE WASHLVGTOX WIMPLE. . 119
GEORGE WASHINGTON WIMPLE.
THE MAN WHO PREFERS THE BALLAD TO THE BALLOT.
ABOUT last night's noon, an individual might be seen, and
was by the watchman seen, wending his way up St. Charles
street. His course was neither directly direct nor regularly
irregular. It might have been a preparatory practice of the
new Polka dance, or a succession of endeavours to kill cock
roaches creeping on the banquette. Now the Charlies, who
are all strict constructionists, and who enforce the letter of
the municipal ordinances with as much rigour and exactness
as the Medes and Persians did their laws, never interfere with
a man's manner of walking, so long as he is able to walk at
all ; for our city lawgivers, with a wisdom and liberality above
all price and beyond all praise, have left it to every man to
move along as best he can, and have laid down no legal,
definite mode of locomotion. But although they have so ruled
it with regard to men's walking, they are more strict with ref
erence to men's talking, after a certain hour of night, whether
that talking be in tune or out of tune a sermon or a serenade
a political speech or a temperance exhortation. It was in
the enforcement of this peace-preserving principle that the
watchman at the corner of Poydras and St. Charles streets, in
a tone of imperative official authority, bade our hero "shut
up !" who had just then been singing a song equal in metre
and melody to any of our modern political lyrics, the chorus
of which ran thus
' ' Hurra for the stripes and stars,
Hurra for annexation,
Hurra for our Yankee tars,
And our ' universal nation.' "
" I orders you agin to shut up," said the watchman.
"There aint no two ways about it you must either shut up
yourself or I'll shut you up like winkin'. Some folks think
watchmen aint nobody, but I'll let you know, old feller, that
they are somebody, so sing small."
" Charles," said the vocalist, looking half-vacant! y, half-
scrutinizingly into the face of the watchman, "Charles, thou
120 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
/
art a waking somnambulist, a moving mass of mindless matter.
Thou hast got speculation in thine eye but thou hast got no
music in thy soul. Thou art impenetrable to the tones that
wake the thoughts to tenderness thou art impervious to the
strains that rouse and stir up the slumbering spirit of patriotism.
Thou "
"O, that's all very fine," said the watchman, cutting off the
peroration of the speaker, " it's all very fine, but it aint no
part of the ord'nance. Now, disturbin' the peace is, which
consequently brings you within' the act protectin' the citizens
in the natural enjoyment of their sleep."
It was in vain that the singer told the watchman that he
transcended his duty ; that his was an unjust interference
with, and violation of, the rights of a citizen ; the watchman
" toted" him off to the calaboose.
" What's your name ?" said thie officer of the night.
" George Washington Wimple," replied the prisoner.
" The watchman charges you," said the officer, " with dis
turbing the peace."
"The watchman is a songless, soulless individual," said
Wimple, " with a mind as dark as Erebus. I was not disturb
ing the peace, sir, I was singing singing for the million. I
was essaying to revive and rekindle the smouldering fire of
patriotism, now almost extinguished in the breasts of our citi
zens. The time and the occasion called for it. The moon
had already passed its meridian, and time in its unceasing travel
had reached the sixty-eighth anniversary of our national inde
pendence. Who, sir, would not sing at such a time ? Who
would not send forth canticles burthened with patriotic pride
on such an occasion ? Were not those guns fired in Lafayette
Square charged with patriotic powder, and was not I charged
with patriotic praise to an extent that I must go off or burst?"
" My duty is to commit you for the night," said the officer.
" It will rest with the Recorder to-morrow morning to say
how far you have offended against the laws."
" I protest," said Wimple, "against this arbitrary infringe
ment on the rights of a citizen a patriotic citizen who loves
nis country as that black rascal Othello did his beautiful wife,
not wisely but too well' who "
" O, look here, Mr. Thingamy," said the watchman, "nigger
aint got nothin' to do with makin' the ord'nances."
"I say again," said Wimple, you have been guilty of a
violation of my natural rights and of the right election, too ;
A MUDDLED MILLERITE. 121
because political science has become a branch of vocal music.
Voting by ballot is decidedly vulgar and corrupt ; men will
henceforth be sung into office election will be by ballad and
not by ballot. What better way is there, I should like to
know, of ascertaining the voice of the people than by their
capacity for singing r"
The officer told him he was not prepared to argue the
uestion with him and locked him up. We trust the Recorder
will take his patriotism into consideration this morning, and
dispense with the usual " thirty days."
A MUDDLED MILLERITE.
tt BILL BRITTLE ?" said the Recorder yesterday.
" T-e-s," answered a fellow in the dock, who seemed as
bewildered as if he had been in a magnetic slumber.
" You were found drunk last night," said the Recorder,
"and could not find your way home."
" I haint no home," said Bill. " The world's at an end,
and I'm an antediluvian."
"Oh, you have no fixed place of residence then ?" said the
Recorder.
" I'd like to know who has," said Bill. " I thought I could
stand a blowing up pretty well I have had some experience
in that way, as the old woman's tongue can testify; but last
night put a finisher on every thing but I suppose it's all
right."
" No," said the Recorder, " it was not all right for you to
be lying in the street at twelve o'clock last night."
" Well, your honour," said Bill, "you know I couldn't help
it, no how I could fix it: you know, what is to be will be, as
Parson Miller said when he foretold the end of the world
but I suppose it's all right."
"Then you are a Millerite, and thought, nd*doubt, that you
would be destroyed last night," said the Recorder.
" Thought /" said Bill " I knew I would before it had
happened at all. It was all well enough while the ascension
lasted, but it was cussed unpleasant when we were all pitched
into invisible darkness : a feller couldn't move without breakin* 1
his shins and fallin' over dead men's bodies. I could have
sworn it was down lelow, only it wasn't hot enough for that.
12*2 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
I don't see, squire I don't see what occasion the world has
had to kick up a general fuss of this kind but I suppose
it's all right !"
"You may compose your nerves," said the Recorder; "for
although you may be a gone case, the world is still right side
up. That very agreeable ascension sensation you had, was
nothing more than the operation of brandy toddies on the
brain ; and that darkness visible, which you fancied pervaded
the world, did not extend beyond the limits of the watch-
house."
" I suppose it's all right," said Bill Brittle ; but he said
it in such a tone that he did not seem to think it was.
" Yes, it is about right," said the Recorder ; " but to make
it righter, I'll send you down for thirty days."
Bill was taken out of the court by a watchman, without
making another observation.
THE LOSS O.F A CHARACTER.
JUST as the clock struck ten yesterday morning, a young
woman, wearing a profusion of red ribbons in her bonnet, and
E large McGregor worsted shawl, entered the office of Re
corder Baldwin, followed by a leering looking young fellow
in a blue coat and pants, and wearing his hat in a break-my-
neart, one-sided fashion. The young man in the blue suit
was evidently using his most persuasive powers to prevent
the young woman who sported the red ribbons from dohi
something which she seemed intent on doing, and the young
woman with the red ribbons in her bonnet and the McGregor
shawl on her shoulders, seemed determined to disregard the
entreaties of him in blue, and to do the something which she
intended to do, at all hazards.
u Don't Bridget, a cmlila," said the man who wore his hat
slantingdicular,*" don't be after exposin a daycent boy in a
koort; and in troth if the truth was towld, that's not what I
dasarve from your mother's daughter, and that's yourself," and
he looked into Bridget's blue eyes with a look made up of
two parts of love and one part of pity.
u Ah, Barney, avic," said Biddy, apparently somewhat moved
at the pathetic appeal of the young fellow in the blue suit, yet
still determined to carry out her principles. " Ah, thin, Bar-
THE LOSS OF A CHARACTER. 123
ney, avic, it's little use you have talkiu to me : sure I wons*
believed you'd no more tell a lie than a priest, hut it's myself
that was mistaken in you, you betrayin decayver."
All this occurred outside the bar, and though began in an
under tone, it ended in a tone of voice loud enough to attract
the atten tion of the court.
" What the matter, there ?" asked the Recorder.
"O, it's mather enough,' 7 said Bridget, "here's a th ray tor
(pointing to Barney) that purtinded to be braykin his hart
about me, and if I wint to a dance or a party, he was sure to
be there and putten his comehether on me, j 1st as if his intui
tions was honest. Bridget, asthore, he'd say, your the pay tee
blossom of my heart, and it's meself that 'ud be the happy boy
for ever and a day, if you war only to say you love me."
" What's your name ?" asked the court.
" Bridget Boylan, your honour," said the fair complainant,
" and it's daycently I was christened that."
" And what is the young man's name ?" asked the Recorder,
pointing to Barney.
" O, Godee knows, what's his rale name," said Bridget,
" but he calls himself Barney Doud."
u Well, Bridget," said the Recorder, u what complaint have
you to make against Barney ?"
" O," said Bridget, in a manner which told that the < green-
eyed monster' was working within her, " O, the thief of the
world ! the two faced villain ! didn't I see him as grayt as you
playse with Sally Farrell last evenin, and warn't they sittin on
one of the binches in Layfayette Square together, and he usin
all sorts of palaver to her, the same as if he intinded to make
her his lawful married wife."
" But there is nothing criminal in setting on a bench in
Lafayette Square with Sally Farrell," said the Recorder, u and
making any declaration that is consistent with propriety."
" O, sarra a care I care about that," said Bridget, " I wouldn't
look the side of the street he'd be, nor I don't mane to have
one word more to say to him, hot or could, but he has taken
my kracter, and I want your honour to make him return it !"
" O, that's a very serious charge a very serious charge,"
said the Recorder, " and one which I have not the power to
redress. If he has, by detraction or otherwise, injured your
character, you had better sue him for slander. Our courts are
always anxious to do justice to the injured, particularly when
one of the gentler sex is in the case." This compliment to
124 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUXE."
Louisiana jurisprudence, and at the same time chivalric senti
ment of the Recorder, seemed to meet a response in the breast
ot every one in the court, not even excepting the amorous
Barney Doud. -
"O, your honour mistakes me altogither intirely. I defy
him, or any body else, to molest my kracter in the layst.
Thanks be to the Lord, I'm as ould as I am ; and there's no
one, up to this blissid day, can say black is the white of your
nail, Bridget Boylan."
" Well, then," said the Recorder, " how am I to understand
you. You say he did take your character, and then again you
say he did not?"
"Well, of course, I didn't lave it in his power to say any
thing that was bad of me," said Bridget, in a spirit of conscious
rectitude, " but didn't he snap me trash bag that had in it the
kracter I got from Father Madden, the priest in Ireland, and I
nivir saw a blissid sight of it since."
" O, then it was of a written document he deprived you,"
said the Recorder.
" Af course it was," said Bridget.
" Oh, that entirely alters the case," said the Recorder, " how
ever, you can sue him in one of the civil courts, laying the
damages at whatever value you place on the written character
given you by Father Madden. But, Barney," said he to the
gay Hibernian Lothario, u Barney, Bridget's certificate can be
of no use to you why do you not return it to her ?"
" Ah, sure your honour,"" said Barney, " it all grew out of
a bit of fun, and I had no more harm in takin it than I would
in sayin me prayers ; troth Bridget needn't make such a hub
bub about nothin, for there's nothin ill sed that's not ill taken,
and there's nothin ill taken that's not ill intinded. I was only
keepin the lines till Briget forgot all about Sally Farrell and
the binch in Lafayette Square (And here Barney gave an arch
smile.) She's the best natured craythur in the world, only
when she takes the sulks now and agin."
u Do you promise to return her character?" asked the
Recorder.
u Be all manner o' manes," answered Barney, " she must
have it afore I take bit, bite or sup."
This seemed to satisfy all parties, though it was evident T
from Bridget's manner, that she did not forget Sally Farrell
and the bench of Lafayette Square.
A BRANDY AND PEPPERMINT PARTY BROKEN UP. 125
A BRANDY AND PEPPERMINT PARTY BROKEN UP.
"MicK MALLEN," said the Recorder.
" Yis, sir," said a man in the box, with a sunburnt face, no
coat, and seedy trousers.
" You are charged, Mr. Mallen," said the Recorder, " with
beating your wife."
"O faix, yer honour," said Mick, "the batin' was all the
other way. Whoever was fightin', I resaved the blows !"
" Yis, I'll swear ye sthruck me, ye desavin' thief ye ; arid
I'll swear me life agin Mary Martin, the hussy, too."
This was uttered by a woman with a very red face, and a
very sharp nose, and a very "fighting" sort of an eye, who
proved to be the spouse of Mr. Mallen.
" O, ye're a darlint," said Mick. " Blur-an'-ages ! isn't it a
pity I can't get a repale of the union from you!"
u State your complaint, madam," said the Recorder, "and
do so in a quiet and collected manner."
u O to be sure I will, yer honour," said Mrs. Mallen, looking
shillelaghs at Mick " to be sure I will. Well, as soon as me
lad there come home from work last night, I had his supper,
snug and warm, ready for him; and there I sat, jist as if I
war his slave, till he tuck it, helpin' him to the tay, a nice bit
of a rasher, and every thing on the table. So whin he was
done, and 1 claned up the things 'Mick,' says 1, 'Nancy
Fenerty,' says I, ' says she wants to see me,' says I ; ' so I've
a mind to put on me cap and shawl,' says I, ' and go see what
she wants may be she hard from me brother Billy, says I.'"
" Come to the assault, Mrs. Mallen," said the Recorder.
"O thin it's not so asy, yer honour," replied Mrs. Mallen,
" for a poor, wake woman like me to come to any thing."
"Yis, Biddy," interrupted Mick, "ye war mighty wake
intirely whin ye gave me this Donnelly (a thump) undher the
eye. Be gor, ye couldn't do it purtier if ye'd studied undher
O'Rourke, the boxer !"
" Silence, sir !" said the Recorder. " Let the woman tell
her story : I only wish her to be brief about it."
" Well, yer honour," said Mrs. Mallen, " as I was sayin', 1
puts on me cap and cloak, and towld me gay, sootherin' Mick
there, that 1 wouldn't be back till nine o'clock. But what 'ud
126 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
you have of it, alania Nancy Fenerty was out whin I got
there, and back I comes, and who does I see with me own
two eyes, sittin' side-be-side, in me own house, and at me own
table, but me bowld Mick there, and that brazen-faced hussy
Mary Martin, and they two sittin' as cosy as ye plase,
dhrinkin' their brandy and peppermint ! ' Good evenin', Mis
sus Mallen,' says the doxy, as palaverin' as ye plase. c Yer
sarvint, ginteels,' says meself, quite purlite like. ' Biddy,'
says Mick, thinkin' to pass the thing off as asy as if it war the
priest of the parish that war in it ' Biddy,' says he, 4 Mary
called for to see ye, and as ye warn't within, I thought I
couldn't let her go without axin' her to take a dhrop o' sotne-
thin', but she tells me that she's jined the timperance society.'
Well, yer honour, I couldn't howld meself any longer; so
says I, ' O thin, ye desavin' blackguard ye,' says I, '. is that
the way you sarve me the very moment 1 turn me back ! 7 and
thin, bein' intirely mad with him, I let fly the pitcher at his
head, sure enough ; and throth, if I had that other sthreel I'd
make her bones sore, so I would !"
" Very well," said the Recorder, " I have heard enough
from you now. Is the watchman here that arrested this man ?"
The watchman now came forward. He said he heard a
noise ; that Mrs. Mallen was crying " murdher !" that he went
to see what was the matter, when she complained of being
beaten by her husband, whom he then arrested.
" Well, 1 now discharge him," said the Recorder. " It is the
woman that should have been arrested; and if I hear any
more from her, I will bind her to keep the peace."
Mrs. Mallen then left the court, threatening to give Miss
Martin "jessy" when she would next meet her.
BOOT BLACKS AND BAD TIMES.
THE case of Johnson vs. Brown created considerable amuse
ment in the Recorder's court yesterday. The plaintiff is no
other than the veritable Sam Jonsing, the sable philosopher whose
" wise saws and modern instances" we have so often recorded
in the Picayune. The defendant is also a " gemman ob colour,"
and boasts of direct descent from Prince Lee-boo.
"Johnson!" said the Recorder.
" I'm dar, massa," said Sam.
w Brown !" said ihc Recorder.
BOOT BLACKS AND BAD TIMES. 127
"'Es, sar," said the defendant, and both took their positions
immediately before the bench.
" Well, Johnson," said the Recorder, " let us hear what you
have got to say."
" Why he aint got nuffin to say 'ginst me," said Brown,
" 'cause "
" Silence," said the Recorder, let me hear the plaintiff"
" Yes, Massa 'Corder," said Sam, "if you hears me I tells de
vhole truth, and nuffin 'cordin to the truth, sartin."
" Go on, then," said the Recorder.
" Wai, dis is it," said the sage Sam ; " you sees I keeps a
boot polishin 'stablisment in Cussomhouse street. I'se pat
ronized by de fus families and use 'clusively my own patent
rain-resistin' dust dispellin' blackin. It's a great inwention,
I tells you. I sent a pot ob it to Queen Wictoria, but as
I dated my letter from Cussomhouse street, she mistook
it for sasipreller and pills, and took it 'ternally ; but as there
wasn't nothin' pernicious in it it didn't do her witals no harm;
'stead ob dat it has given de prince of Whales quite de polish,
'sides "
" Stop," said the Recorder, " I cannot sit here to hear you
expatiate on the virtues of your patent blackening; you charge
this man with committing a breach of the peace come to that
at once."
"I'll 'splain all dat like a knife, massa," said Sam. "Den
to come to de pint, I 'ploys dis nigger and 'gages to teach him
de boot polishin bizriess on de Johnsonian scienterific princer-
ples. Wai, affer givin him a trial I finds he haint got de genus
to rise to de top ob de purfeshun, and dat he can't shine, no
how, so I 'vises him to gib it up and try some oder bizness
wot don't require so much nat'ral talent so much ob de
Promethean spark, as poets call it as ours does. So when
I tells him dis he gibs me sarse, and threatens to 'flict personal
chastisement on me if J don't pay him $5 a week."
" Yes, and you promised to," said Brown.
" I know I did," said Sam, " but it was perwiden you show
ed de dewelopment ob genus."
" Well, can't you afford to pay him four dollars a week ?'*
said the Recorder.
"I cannot Masser 'Corder" said Sam, emphatically. " You
es there's a wast reverlution in our purfeshun lately : fuss de
prunellas gabe us a lick back, and den de French patent leder
used us up alPgether. Now I goes in for puttin a tariff on
128 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
both dese articles, dat'll 'xclude dem from all competition wid
de trade ; and " " stop this," said the Recorder, his patience
worn out by the garrulous Sam Jonsing, u an exposition of
your views of the tariff law is not pertinent to this complaint.
I shall bind Brown over to keep the peace, and he may sue you
civilly for the wages which he claims to be due."
PLEASANT NEIGHBOURS.
THERE was nothing before the Criminal Court yesterday but
an assault and battery case. It was one of the usual and every
day class in which " agreeable neighbours" turn out to be very
disagreeable acquaintances. It was Jones vs. Smith and Smith
vs. Jones. The domicil of Smith was only divided from that
of Jones by a thin partition, which brought the street door of
Jones in close contiguity with that of Smith. Smith's children
used to sit on Jones' door step when mid-day sun was shining,
and make castles without interruption of bits of broken earthen
ware ; and Jones' favourite terrier dog and tabby cat had the
run of Smith's kitchen without ever been struck with the tongs
or having an old slipper thrown afLerthem. Mrs. S. and Mrs.
J. used to go together in the morning to St. Mary's Market ;
they would discuss the merits of their several neighbours as
they went along speak of the imprudence of Miss Sowell in
going to the play with Green the grocer, and how the widow
Wilkins left herself open to the invidious remarks of the ill-
natured by receiving the visits of young Darkley, who did
nothing in particular for a living. If Mrs. Jones had buck
wheat cakes for breakfast, she always sent in one to Mrs. Smith
and Mrs. Smith was never known to have an oyster stew of
an evening that she did not divide it with Mrs. Jones. The
reciprocity of good feeling that existed between Mr. Jones and
Mr. Smith was as cordial and familiar as that which was mu
tually entertained by their respective helpmates. Jones, when
u na' fou' but unco happy," frequently shook Smith's hand
and told him he was a d n good fellow and Smith had so
high an opinion of Jones, as a man and a gentleman, that he
proposed him as a member of the Happy Husband Society, to
which honourable fraternity he was unanimously elected But,
as beatitude such as the Joneses and the Smiths and the Smiths
a*J the Joneses enjoyed, is vouchsafed to no one in perpetu-
" And thin, bein' intirely mad with him, I let fly the pitcher at his head."
Page 126.
PLEASANT NEIGHBOURS. 129
ity in this world of sin and Svvartwouting of rascality and
repudiation it was abruptly and too prematurely sundered by
the force of circumstances from them.
On Thursday evening the coloured girl was seen by Mrs.
Smith taking a bowl of something into Mrs. Jones' it might
have been the material for an oyster stew, or it might not
but a certain savoury smell that was shortly afterwards inhaled
by Mrs. S., as she stood at her door, removed all her doubts
relative to the contents of the bowl. But the usual act of
hospitable and neighbourly courtesy was not extended to her.
The spirit of revenge at once seized her soul. She determined
never from that moment, to send Mrs. Jones a hot buckwheat
cake never walk to market in company with her never to
let her terrier dog or tabby cat cross her threshold. She, like
Othello, was firm and decided in her resolve she was not
going
" To follow still the changes of the moon
With fresh suspicions. No : to be once in doubt
Was once to be resolved."
She went to bed and arose the next morning full of wrath
and fury against Mrs. Jones, Mr. Jones and all over which they
claimed ownership. The tabby cat was soon made to squall
from the effect of a blow of the tongs, and if she had not had
the life of a cat she would have lost it on the occasion ; and
shortly after the broom handle sent Jones' dog howling home
to his mistress. Mrs. Jones retaliated by raising a blush in
little Tommy Smith's cheek with a slap of her open hand, and
thus the war was vigorously commenced on both sides. Each
now called into requisition her wordy weapon the tongue
which women in general can wield to such advantage. Mrs.
S. and Mrs. J. was what we shall not tell our readers
and Mrs. J., in retaliation, was equally eloquent. Jones now
went to the door and told Mrs. J. to go in, and told Mrs. S.
something that excited the pugnacity of Mr. Smith, who jumped
out on the banquette and put himself in a pugilistic attitude
before Jones, who at once pitched into him like " a thousand
of brick."
The woman ranged themselves on either side, and a quad
ruple matrimonial fight at once commenced, and was only con
cluded by the interposition of the police officers.
The judge, having heard the complaints and counter com
plaints of the parties ; having seen the black eye of Jones and
the bloody nose of Smith, and having listened to the volubility
1UO PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
with which the " ladies" urged their respective cause, in the
double capacity of complainant and defendant, he ordered that
all the parties be bound, in good and sufficient security, to
keep the peace the Smiths to the Joneses, and the Jonesea
to the Smiths.
COOKERY AND CALUMNY.
RESTAUT VerSUS JONES.
WHEN a few ordinary cases were disposed of yesterday, the
Recorder called " Jacques Restaut ?"
"Oui, Monsieur le President," replied the owner of a voice
in the crowd outside the bar, which was as shrill and as sharp
as the sound of a tin trumpet, and about as musical as a jews-
harp with a broken tongue.
" John Jones ?" said the Recorder, and presently John Jones
answered " 'ere, your honour !" Both plaintiff and defendant
made their way up to the bench.
The former, Mr. Restaut, is the proprietor of a cookshop
down town ; he wore a brown paper cap, a white roundabout
and apron to match ; his eyes were small, brown and restless,
his face was of a sear and yellow leafish colour, his cheeks
were puckered up like a half-closed fan, and he kept continually
stirring his head and shoulders as if he were subject to some
nervous affection.
John Jones, the defendant, is as unlike him in personal ap
pearance as a large pumpkin is unlike a Havana banana. He is
a cockney of the purest water ; his round, ruddy face told of
roast beef, plum-pudding, brown stout, and Welch-rabbits ; a
glance at it would shame a Grahamite or teetotaller out of his
abstinence principles. He was short, plump and dumpy, about
as broad across as he was tall.
" Now, Mr. Restaut,'' said the Judge, " what is your com
plaint ?"
u My complain ! Monsieur le President," said Restaut, with
surprise, his shoulders moving like the piston rods of a steam
engine, and his head in motion like the image of a mandarin
in a grocer's window " My complain ! by gar I got no com
plain ; my head be well, my stomach be well, I be well all
over. It be Monsieur Anglais, John Jones here, have the one
COOKERY AND CALUMNY. 131
eat-too-much gran 7 complain. O, mon Dieu ! he eat, eat, eat,
and call for one dish and t'other dish by gar, I fear he eat
myself up at last."
u What ! do you think he'd turn cannibal and eat a French
man ?" asked the Recorder.
" Me links, Monsieur le President, dat he'd eat de vera dia-
ble /" said Restaut emphatically, slapping his open hand on
the lid of his snuff box.
" Yes," said John Jones, quite composedly, and not at all
affected by the series of charges which the Frenchman had
made against him " yes, but I'm blowed, Mr. Monseer, if I'd
eat your burned beef steaks nor your frog fricasee, no how.'
" Silence!" said the Recorder, " I want to^come at the spe
cific charge. Now, Mr. Restaut, you say this man disturbed
the peace of your house, and would not pay for his breakfast
state how he did so."
"Oui, Monsieur le President," said Restaut, at the same time
throwing out his hands, raising his shoulders and sinking his
head, indicative of his willingness to proceed, and thus he
did:
" Veil, you see, this Monsieur John Jones come to my house,
and he call for beefsteak vera rare vera rare. I give it to him
dressed English style, no a la mode frajigais by gar he eat it
and say it not worth nottin, it be one what you call fire not
burning? one cindere, and he call for anoder more vera rare ;
by gar, he eat dat and say it be one cindere too, and he call for
anoder one, two, three more rarer ; and I said 4 sare, I had de
honour to be grand cook to the Emperor le grants cook, and
by gar you take care ; you shall no teach me my business, de
grand art cuisine. If you wants one raw steak you go to mar
ket, buy it from the butcher and eat it dere. 1 no sell de raw
beefsteak.' "
" Well, did he pay you for what he did take ?" asked the
Recorder.
" No, he no pay nottin ; he call for one dish, and for two,
four dish, but he no pay one picayune," replied Restaut.
" Well, Mr. Jones," said the Recorder, " what have you to
say to this charge ? you appear to have acted very strangely."
^Vy, bless your vorship's eyes," said the defendant "that
'ere story is all gammon. I'm blowed if it aint a precious
yarn. Vy, your vorship, I couldn't eat none on his beefsteaks.
I'm blowed if they wasn't as dry and as tough as a piece of
sole leather. I say, your vorship, I doesn't like to make no
132 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
insinivations, but don't old 'osses die about this time in this ere
city ?"
" Sacre Anglais /" muttered the Frenchman, taking a su
perlative pinch of snuff.
u Silence," said the constable.
" Go on, sir," said the Recorder.
u Veil, I haint got but this ere to say," continued Jones,
" that I couldn't eat none of his steaks he don't know how
to give a steak the first turn, your vorship."
" O, mon Dieu /" ejaculated the Frenchman.
u Be silent," said the Recorder authoritively.
" It aint no use, your honour," said Jones, " for as I tells
my wife Sally, a 'ooman, a parrot and a Frenchman will keep
talking; there aint been nothing inwented yet to prevent it;
and I doubts myself if there ever will. But as I was saying,
your vorship, I only tried his beefsteaks I couldn't eat them.
Veil, then, he lays his gombo before me, and be course I
couldn't go that neither. Cause as how, your honour sees I
took a nat'ral dislike to cat's meat in every shape, ven I vas a
little 'un. Father gave me a piece of weal pie one day at
Bart'lemy fair, and I'm blowed if the materials warnt pure
catflesh."
" 1 care nothing about your antipathies or predilections,"
said the Recorder " This man charges you two dollars for
what he dressed for you, whether you eat it or not I don't
know, nor do I care. But unless you pay him, I shall fine you
$5 for disturbing the peace of his house, and he can sue you
afterwards for the two dollars."
A few moments reflection suggested to Mr. Jones the pro
priety of submitting to the compromise which the Recorder
proposed. He paid the two dollars and d d the optics
[aside] of American judges and French cooks and cookery.
The Frenchman stretched out his hand to receive it as po
litely as if he was going to lead a lady to her place in a cotil
lion, gave Mr. Jones a u mercie, monsieur," in exchange for
his two dollars, and holding his paper cap in his right hand,
and bowing obsequiously to the judge, he said, " adieu Mon
sieur le President, adieu," but no sooner had he left the office
than he gave a look at respectable old Jones, as sour as some
of his own pickles, and energetically exclaimed, " sacre le las
Anglais!"
BOB BATTLE. 133
BOB BATTLE.
BOB BATTLE is what is technically called a hard customer
He drinks hard ; he eats hard, for he is often hard set to get
any thing ta eat ; and he sleeps hard, for his bed is most fre
quently a hard flag in the market. He thinks that the man
who invented lunches is a greater benefactor to mankind than
Fulton or Arkwright, and that the credit system, advocated by
politicians, is but a partial and restricted measure. To carry
it out to its legitimate lengths, he argues that money should
never be demanded for drinks ; that toddies, like lost pocket-
books, should be delivered, and a no questions asked."
Bob, in his peregrinations last night, met with that very
ubiquitious character, the watchman, who is in so many places
at the same time.
" Cuss me if I care," said Bob, as He tottled along" no,
not the fust red cent. Parson Miller is right, and I knows it.
Yes, I knows there'll be a general blow up, but I'm blowed if
I care. Let every feller take care of himself, as the donkey
said what danced among the chickens."
" Yes, and you had better take care of yourself," said the
watchman, " or else you goes to the calaboose, sure."
u Oh, you're a watchman are you ?" said Bob.
" I is," said Charley, " though 1 doesn't think there's any
law what compels an officer of the government to answer ques
tions out of court.
U O, dang the government!" said Bob; " it aint no use."
" Hallo, there !" said Charley ; " mind what you say. Doesn't
you know its grand larceny some calls it fel-o-de-see to
speak against the government ?"
" Well, I do say," replied Bob, " that the government aint
no account : it \vont reciprocate favours. 1 is willin' to take
care of the government, but the government aint willin' to take
care of me. It wont pass no law for my protection, and it
protects Lowell domestics ; that aint free trade, no how you
can fix it."
"O, you don't know nothing about free trade," said the
watchman ; " besides, it aint a constitutional question, because
the council haint passed no ordinance on the subject. I goes
134 PICKINGS FROM THF " PICAYUNE."
in for duty, and for every one doing his duty ; therefore, 4
thinks it's my duty to take you to the calaboose."
" Hold on, Charley; hold on !" said Bob.
" Let us settle this matter in a genteel way ; let us arrange h
by treat-y, as they does in Washington. Lend me a dime anu
I'll stand the liquors. Come, now, watchey, don't back out.
" No," said the watchman, " but you shall back in ;" and,
as by this time they had got to the Baronne street prison, in he
backed Mr. Battle to the watchhouse for the night.
CABMEN'S CONTENTIONS.
JOHN ELLIS and Bill Thorp were two of the most conspicu
ous characters who appeared before Recorder Baldwin yester
day. They were of the hobble-de-hoy age neither men nor
boys. Both of them chewed tobacco freely, wore old pilot cloth
great coats, had shocking bad hats, and carried a long whip
acro'ss the left arm, as a soldier does his musket at the "'port
arms." They were both knights of the whip, and instead of
being lashed together in the harness of friendship, they seemed
actuated altogether by a spirit of envious rivalry, and were a
living illustration of the old adage " two of a trade," &c.
" You'll see," said Ellis.
u Yes, and you'll see," replied Thorp. " I isn't to be driven
from my persition by you, no how you can fix it."
" Well, I guess there's law for the purtection of the reg'lar
cabmen, as well as gemmen what follors other business," said
Ellis.
" We'll see," said Thorp.
" Yes, we>ll see," replied Ellis.
This episode was carried on in the hall of the court, aftei
which both parties went in that the Recorder might pronounce
his dictum on the question at issue between them.
" Are Bill Thorp and John Ellis ready to go into their case ?"
asked the Recorder.
" I is ready," said Thorp.
" I is always ready," said Ellis ; " there's no back out in me."
"Then let us hear what you have got to say," said the Re
corder.
" Well, I wants to bind this here feller over to keep the
peace," replied Ellis
CABMEN'S CONTENTIONS. 135
u What has he done ?" asked the Recorder.
" Well I'll tell you God's truth about it," said Ellis ; " you
see I's gone lately into the cab line. I drives one of those
newly imported conwenient wehicles with two wheels, what
aint like nothing else ; but they're reg'lar flare-up concerns, 1
tell you."
" I dare say," said the Recorder ; but what has all this to do
with the assault ?"
Ci Why, just this here," replied Ellis, " that when I drives up
to the stand he gets all the old cabmen to jaw me, and call me
the milk-and-water cabman."
" What does he mean by that ?" asked the Recorder.
" Why, your honour sees, I was in the milk business afore
I got in the cab line, and he has a spite against me 'cause I am
advancing in my purfession."
" But he has not assaulted you, has he ?" asked the Recorder.
u Well, he has assaulted my 'oss," replied Ellis, " and that's
personal, aint it ?"
" Not exactly," said the Recorder j " but we'll hear what
Thorp has to say."
If your honour listens," said Thorp, "I'll tell it while I'd
be cracking my whip, without any gammon whatsumdever.
You see I knows all the branches of our bisness, and a wery
critical bisness it is if your horses aint got a proper mouth.
I've driv' a one horse wagon, a coach and pair, and at one
time driv' an omnibus and four for a whole day, and had but
one break down ; now I asks your honour if it's fair for a feller
like this here, vot's never had a more scientific job than driving
a milk cart, to intrude himself on the bisness and take em
ployment from the reg'lar hands. Is it honour bright, your
honour ? Haint cabmen and coachmen got wested rights as
veil as other folks ? Ve has ' ve knows our rights, and
knowin', dares maintain 'em,' as the feller said at the political
meetin' t'other night and I'm bio wed if ve don't."
u O, I see," said the Recorder, " all this has originated from
a spirit of rivalry in business."
u No," said Ellis, u but this 'ere feller goes in for monopo
lies and chartered privileges ; he' s against fair competition in
business.
" I have heard enough now," replied the Recorder, " to
know what you and he would be driving at. Let both of you
go and drive your cabs, and if one of you assault the other I
shall give the injured party redress."
136 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
They both cracked their whips as they left the office, and
like politicians in cases of doubtful elections, each seemed to
claim the decision as a victory.
AN OBSOLETE IDEA.
" WHAT are you ?" said the Recorder yesterday to a nonde
script looking character, who stood up in the dock before him.
u I aint nothing," said Bill Button for such was his name.
" You are nothing," said the Recorder.
"No, I aint," said Bill; "I'm an hobselete idear. I guess
as how the vatchman took me to be the vonderful lion or the
Bengal tiger, 'cause he stirred" me up vith a long pole ; but I
aint nobody, and haint got no friends."
" What do you follow for a living ?" asked the Recorder.
" I follers nothing, and I don't live at all !" replied Bill .
" I exists on the mysterious principles of wilality, and am a
teetotaller from compulsion."
" Why, you are quite a character," said the Recorder.
"No, I aint a character, neither," said Bill : " 1 haint got a
character, no how. I'd have no objection to go in cahoot vith
a decent feller for a character, but I haint got funds to pur
chase on my own account."
" Well, I shall send you to the workhouse for thirty days,"
said the Recorder. " Perhaps, when you comes out you will
find times easier."
Bill was forthwith walked off by a watchman.
JACK GALLAGHER;
OR, THE MYSTERIES OF A MESMERIC SLUMBER.
ANY one who visited the police office yesterday could not
have failed to notice the little man who occupied the seat at
the extreme end of the dock, to the left. It was easy to per
ceive, as the charge proved, that he was a striking character.
Like Diogenes in the tub, he seemed wrapt in thought. His
feet were perched on the sill of the railing before him, his
elbows rested on his knees, his hands supported his chin and
his fingers spread out over his face. There was a round, bald
JERRY GALLAGHER. 137
spot on the crown of his head which made him look like a
Capuchin friar, but his nose, which seemed to be ornamented
by several ripe strawberries, destroyed all illusion relative to
a monkish life or abstemious habits.
" Jerry Gallagher !" said the Recorder. " Jerry Gallagher,"
echoed the policeman , but there was none to answer " here,
sir!" The clerk of the court took the night watch report and
commenced reading it over, to see if the name was not on it,
or if there was any mistake in the matter. There was none
for there stood Jerry's sponsorial name and sirname, in as
good chirography as the sergeant who took the charge could
indite. "Jerry Gallagher!" was called out again, and again
there was no answer. The officer then commenced putting
the question to the prisoners severally, u Are you Jerry Gal
lagher?" "Are you Jerry Gallagher ?" till he came to the
real Simon Pure, and finding him somewhat under the influ
ence of Morpheus, he gave him a shake and cried out in a
higher pitch of voice than he had before spoken in, " Are you
Jerry Gallagher ?"
" O, divii's in it, how inquisitive you are," said Jerry, " ask
me no questions and Til tell you no lies. Can't you lit me
injoy me mesmeric slumber; begor I was in me glory. I
thought I was at home at the fair of Bally kill duff, in ould
Ireland, and that every thing looked as nat'ral as it did before
Father Mathew converted the people into mimbers of the
timperance society, and before Dan O'Connell began to praych
up l passive resistance.' I mane the good old times whin,
instead of passive resistance, we offered active resistance to our
friends and foes indiscriminately, and arranged all our little
difficulties by punishing the police and the poteen, and taychin 7
phrenology on first principles by raising bumps quite nat'ral
entirely with the shillelah. Oh, the L,ord save us ! how the
world is degeneratin' it'll be soon next to nothin'."
"Stand up there," said the Recorder.
" O, bad scran to me," said Jerry, " If I'll stand it any
longer; begor I b'lceve your mesmerism, animal magnetism,
or whatever you call it, is like the remains of Bill Buckley's
flitch of bacon all ^ammon.^
"You have not been brought here to discuss the merits of
mesmerism," said the Recorder," you are charged with com
mitting an assault and battery on this man here," pointing to
a person who stood inside the bar, and whose face was all
blue and green, like the sea scene of a theatre. " See," said
138 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
the Recorder, again addressing Jerry, and again pointing to
the third party, " See the condition* in which yon have left
that man's eyes."
" Av coorse I see it," said Jerry, but didn't I do it for the
advancement of science it was altogither an intillictual opera
tion, 'pon me conscience it was, I assure you don't you see
how well I magnei-eye^sd him ?
The facts turned out to be that Jerry was prevailed on by a
fellow who affected to be a professor of animal magnetism, to
undergo the operation necessary to bring about a mesmeric
slumber; it was a failure, and Jerry, having divers and sundry
times in his life been magnetized by the crathur, thought he
would have recourse to it in this instance. He, therefore,
again tried the experiment and found it highly successful. It
was while in a state of " glorious uncertainty" thus brought
about, and not under the influence of ahimal magnetism, that
he met the man with the battered face and black eyes. Mis
taking him for one of a rival faction, and believing while he
was in Girod street that he' was actually at the fair of Bally-
killduff, he operated on him to some purpose, as the marks on
his face showed.
The Recorder took the affidavit against Jerry, who gave bail
for his appearance to answer to the charge of assault and bat-
iery before the criminal court.
BILL BLUMMELL.
HAVE you ever seen a pig in a parlour, a cat in a pond, a
cockney on horseback, or a goose on ice ? If you have you
can form a faint conception of the manner in which a true-
bred, down-right jack tar progresses on terra firma, if he
chance to be three sheets in the wind. It is all reeling, and
keeling, and rolling with him. Now he lurches and now he
careens; now he keeps to leeward and now to windward;
now he goes right "afore" the wind, and the next moment he
backs his tack. If a log-book were onl^ kept of his voyage,
what a droll affair it would be !
Bill Bkimmell is a case in point. Bill appeared every inch
a sailor, and there was therefore nothing peculiar about him.
His hat was glazed, with a small leaf, as every sailor's hat has ;
his jacket was blue and pitchy, just like every sailor's jacket;
BILL BLUMMELL. 139
his neck'kerchief was black and tied in a swivel knot, as usual,
and his trousers were canvass and had no seam on the outside
of the leg. We were in error, however, in saying that there
was nothing peculiar about Bill there was, and he felt there
was. Bill wore a vest yes, he actually wore a vest a gar
ment unknown to legitimate sailors since the first experiments
were made in navigation.
" Bill Blummell," said the Recorder.
" Aye, aye, sir," said Bill. " But, commodore, I have got
too much canvass on ; just hold on till I take in a reef and
put myself in ship-shape somewhat. Bear a hand here, ship
mate," said he to the prisoner who sat next him in the dock
" bear a hand ; don't you see, you lubber, the commodore has
hailed me." He put out one of the arms of his blue jacket to
the ' shipmate' and pulled his own arm out of it, he did the
same with his- other arm stripped off his vest as quick as he
would belay a rope in a storm got again into his blue jacket
and told the commodore to steer ahead, that the docks were
clear.
"You were found drunk last night," said the Recorder,
"and neither knew where you were, or where you should be.' 5
"O, as for ihe matter of being drunk, your honour," said
Bill, " I don't see as how it's against the rules of the navy
for a sailor to take his grog when he gets it. I b'leve I had a
little too much ballast on board, that's a fact."
"Why didn't you go on board your ship?" asked the
Recorder.
" Why, bless your eyes, commodore," said Bill, " you might
as well endeavour to navigate through the icebergs at the North
poles, as make your way through those mountains of cotton
bales on the Levee."
"You are liable to a fine," said the Recorder.
"Well, if your honour lets me off this time," said Bill, " I'll
clear right out of port, and keep a sharp look out for break
ers ahead in future."
He was discharged
140 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
THE WAY TO MAKE A TETOTALLEK
EVAPORATION, ITS POWER OR, THE INGENUITY OF TIPPLING
RATS.
MR. C., commission merchant of this city, is known as an
extensive holder of western produce, and his stock is not more
noted for its variety than for the superiority of the several
articles which he keeps on hand. His per centage on the
sale of Monongahela whiskey through the year would, by a
man of moderate notions, be reckoned a liberal in-coming
Customers came so quick to purchase, that, to save the trouble
of too frequent a recurrence to the barrel, he has been in the
habit of keeping a sample bottle in the store, always full or
partially so, for their trial and inspection. He had found for
a long time that the contents of the sample bottle decreased
very rapidly, daily, and in a manner, at first, very mysteriously.
He soon learned, however, that " Sampson," the negro who
staid in the store, was any thing but a Washingtonian, and
that he tried the strength of the Monongahela oftener than the
whole of his customers. Desirous to know if his conscien
tiousness were as large as his alimentiveness, he said to him
on Monday se'n-night, " Sampson, how is it that the whiskey
in the sample bottle diminishes so fast ? Why it has to be
filled daily !"
" Clar go', massa, I doesn't know," said Sampson, look
ing as serious as a converted sinner at a camp-meeting, " but
I tinks, massa, it is carried off by the princerples ob wot white
folks calls 'waporation."
" O, you do, Sampson ?" said Mr. C.
" I does, sartin, massa," said Sampson, " 'cause I tells you
dat ere 'waporation's right strong ; gosh, it aint left a drop o'
hard cider in de country. I tinks it's dat wot makes de whiskey
so scarce, and not de temp'rance movement, as dey calls it."
" Well, then, Sampson," said Mr. C., " fill the bottle now,
and I will cork it so tight as to prevent evaporation."
" 'Es, sa," said Sampson.
He filled the bottle, his master corked it, evaporation tight,
and again it was placed on the shelf. Again on Tuesday
morning it was found to have decreased considerably in quan
tity, and still more towards noon.
THE WAY TO MAKE A TETOTALLER. 141
" Well, Sampson," said Mr. C., " I find the whiskey is still
rapidly decreasing. How do you acount for it now ?"
" Wa-wall, it be berry hard to 'splain, massa," said Sampson,
u it be one ob dose 'sterious disappearances wot niggers can't
'count for, arid wot sometimes puzzles white folks, I tell
you."
" But what is your opinion?" said Mr. C.
" Wal-al, I links," said Sampson, " to tell goramighty's truf,
dat de rats be drinkin' it, for dey hasn't joined de temp'rance
'siety, as I knows on."
"Yes," said Mr. C., " but when it would get down as low
as the centre of the bottle, how would the rats manage to get
at it then ?"
" Yah ! yah ! yah !" said Sampson, but, suppressing sud
denly his cachinnations, he added, u look heah, massa, I was
just a goin' to say as how you was green. Now, does you
tink as how dem ere rats wot you sees 'bout de store, and
wot's so much in de cabaret at de corner does you tink, 1
axes, dat seein' so many takin' juleps on de suction princerple,
dat dey doesn't know the use ob a straw ? Wai, 1 reckons
dey does, massa."
" Well, then, Sampson," said Mr. C., " if the sample bottle
can neither be preserved from the rats or evaporation, I must
only submit to the loss, and fill it whenever it is empty. Fill
it now and leave it again on the shelf, and I care not whether
you cork it not."
Mr. C. told an acquaintance of his, an apothecary, of Samp
son's partiality for the sample bottle, and asked him if he could
noNgive him some decoction to mix with it, which, while it
would not visibly alter its colour or taste, would prove less
agreeable to Sampson's system than the pure Monongahela.
The apothecary told him he could, and, on the Tuesday be
fore last, he furnished the required preparation. Sampson was
sent out on an errand in the early part of the day, and in his
absence the obnoxious ingredients were introduced into the
whiskey. To give Sampson a better scope, when he returned,
his master went out and staid away long enough to give the
sample-tasting Sampson full play at the bottle. When he re
turned, he noticed a strange and peculiar rolling of Sampson's
eyes ; his lips were the colour of stale venison, and he had all
the singular characteristics in his appearance of " a sick nigger."
Mr. C. managed to keep him pretty busy, and although appear
ing not to notice him, closely watched his movements.
142 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
" Wo !" he'd shout, raising his leg up against his stomacn,
but still endeavouring to conceal his pain from his master, and
again he would exclaim, " ah ! e-eeh ! wo-o! goramighty!"
and he would brace his belly round with his hands and arms.
At length, finding himself growing worse that there was no
chance of the pain abating, he threw himself on the floor and
roared out, " O, massa, massa, dis child's a gone nigger oh !
a-ah ! o-o-oh !"
SEEING THE ELEPHANT.
JIM GRISWELL.
A HARD looking case was Jim Griswell as he stood up
yesterday before the Recorder, to answer to the charge of
being found gloriously corned the previous night. He stood
at least six feet high in his pegged boots ; his face was of
a clayey colour, like the Mississippi at high water mark ; his
hair, which was of a ginger dye, hung down over his coat
collar after the old cavalier fashion; his pantaloons just de
scended as far as his brogans ascended, no farther; and his
Kentucky jean coat was minus one of the skirts. He held
before him, in both his hands, a crownless hat, against the leaf
of which he kept bobbing his knee while speaking.
u Griswell," said the Recorder, "you have been found drunk."
" I know it squire," said Jim, " I know it " and this he
repeated in the most contrite accents, and looking round at that
part of his body over which the skirt of his coat should hang
he exclaimed, " now ain't I a nice lookin' coon ?"
The Recorder, seeing he felt uneasy at parting company
with the skirt of his coat, remarked, " why, you have lost the
crown of your hat too!"
"Yes, I have ! I know I have, squire," said Jim, " and I
tell you what it is, I don't feel any thing the more comfortable
for it, particularly when it rains; and J must say, squire, you
have some of the loudest kind of showers in these diggins."
" But surely," said the Recorder, " you did not imagine that
wearing a hat without a crown would contribute to your com
fort ?"
" Yes, I did, squire," and Jim, "but now I find 1 was the
biggest kind of a fool. Didn^t the player that performed in
Squire Boon's barn in our town say,
Uneasv lies the head that wears a erown;'
THE VICTIM Of AMBITION. 143
but I now find it's a d n sight better for a feller to wear a
crown in his hat that to be without one."
44 Well," said the Recorder, u how came you to be drunk in
the streets at so late an hour last night ?"
" Squire," said Jim and his eye showed a desire to assume
the melting mood, u Squire, it's a delicate pint for a young
man like me to touch on, but Jim Griswell will tell the truth
if he loses his hat. You see I came down from old Kaintuck
with a right decent sort of a broad horn and considerable
plunder. I sold them off at a smart chance of a profit, and as
I never was in Orleans before, I thought I wouldn't go hum
without letting folks know I seed sumthin'. So I went on a
regular wake snakes sort of a spree, and I went here and there,
turnin' twistin' and doublin' about, until I didn't know where
or who I was. But spare my feelings, squire, and don't ask
me to tell any more. Here I am in town without a rock in
my pocket, without a skirt to my coat or a crewn to my hat;
without but, squire, I'll say no more, Pve seen the elephant,
and if you let me off now I'll make a straight shute for old
Kaintuck, and I'll give you leave to bake me into hoe cakes
if ever you catch me here again."
The Recorder let Jim Griswell off on his parole, as he con
fessed he had seen the elephant!
THE VICTIM OF AMBITION.
THE fourth man on whom the Recorder, in his own polite
yet dignified way, called yesterday to show cause why he had
been arrested, was Richard Wright. Richard did not respond
with the usual u Here, sir," but stood up in the dock. He
looked like a monument erected to misery like a nag-staff
divested of its ensign, still standing over the ruins of a Tippe-
canoe log-cabin like a man turned out of office weeping over
the danger which threatened his country, and inveighing
against the profligacy of men in power like any thing and
every thing which told of hopes blasted, anticipations never
realized, and the mind's greeny freshness prematurely withered
by the storms of adversity. Could he be placed as a beacon-
light on the shoal of misfortune, the most unskilful mariner
would not fail to perceive there were "breakers ahead." But
we'll to his examination.
144 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
"Mr. Wright," said the Recorder, "you were found drunk
last night by the watchman. What are you ?"
u A victim, sir a victim !" said poor Richard, emphatically,
pursing up his brow, folding up his arms, and extending his
legs in a latitudinal direction, evincing by his attitude and eye
that he was prepared to meet with fortitude whatever further
broadsides fortune was about to let fly at him.
Recorder. u Of whom have you been the victim ?"
Richard. "I have been the victim of mankind of the
world of my own ambition that feeling which beacons us
onward but to deceive that lures us forth but to disappoint;
that feeling which
' Makes the madmen who have made men mad !' "
Here Richard buried his face in his hands, as if the thought
of what he had been overcome him for a moment.
Recorder. "What has all this to do with your being
drunk ?"
Richard. " Short-sighted mortal superficial observer of
human nature knowest thou not that there are secret im
pulses and unseen machinery operated on by outward causes
or external agents, that set in motion and control all our
actions ? Ambition has been frae locomotive by which I ever
have been propelled along the railway of life, and never did I
start my steam to perform a journey, that I had not a blow-up
before J got to the end of it."
Recorder. "But the charge against you is that you were
drunk."
Richard. " Yes, and I have been so for the last ten years
drunk with disappointment and affliction ; a species of inebri
ation for which the tee-total society have yet offered no
antidote."
" That's vot he always says," remarked the watchman who
had the honour of arresting Richard "he's ever a goin' on
with that 'ere gammon, swingin' his arms about like a horator
on the Fourth of July, and talkin' such big vords that I'm
blowed but I vunders he don't get the lock-jaw! "Vy, yer
honour, he's a valkin' dixonary, that feller is; but a reg'lar
hard von on the liquor."
' Base scavenger in the bye-ways of justice, hist thee !" said
Richard, scornfully, to the watfchmari ; and then, addressing
the Recorder, he continued " My bark of hope, your honour,
was long since split on the rock of ambition, and you now see
THE VICTIM OF AMBITION- 145
before you but the wreck of my original self. " Sir, when I
set out on my first voyage in life, my sails were well trimmed,
the horizon was bright, the wind fair, and the sea such as a
mariner could wish ; but, sir, I made for the port of Lrve, and
got wrecked ere I had made half the voyage." Here he turned
up his eyes, and in an apostrophizing tone exclaimed " Ever-
adorable Eliza!" and then despondingly added
" She was not made
Thrp ? years or moons the inner weight to bear
Which colder hearts endure !
But she sleeps well,
By the sea-shore whereon she loved to dwell."
Recorder. u I do not sit here to listen to a memoir of your
life, nor a monody to your Eliza."
Richard. "Nor do I come here to tell it. I am charged
with being drunk : I admit the charge, and claim the right of
being h<?ard in justification. Now, sir, I shall drop metaphor
and proceed. Thinking to bury my reminiscence of love in
Lethe's stream, I turned my thoughts to war, and was near
getting buried myself in the swamps of Florida. I was ambi
tious to have my name inscribed on the same roll with the
heroes of my country ; but I too often found it was not even
enrolled on the mess roll. Instead of a wreath of laurels on
my brow, I came home with a gash on it, made by an Indian's
tomahawk ; and instead of the acclamations of my country
men for my bravery, the only thing I got was the ague. Still
(continued Richard) I was not satisfied. Ambition still beck
oned me on, and she pointed to politics as the certain road to
success. Well, sir, I entered on it ; attended ward meetings
went to barbacues made stump speeches told my 'friends
and fellow-citizens' that a crisis had arrived in the affairs of
the country; that the constitution was in danger; that the
ship of state was sinking, and that unless I was elected the
whole country, including the disputed territory, would inevi
tably go to Davy Jones' locker some fine morning. Here,
again, my evil genius interfered ; for when the election came
on, my short-sighted constituents gave me but three votes !
My luck my luck again. Sir, they talk of mounting the lad
der of fame, and ascending its topmost round. Sir, the simile
is an incorrect one : there is no ladder to fame, nor any round
to the ladder; if there were I would have reached it. No,
sir, fame is life? a sha'sd pig with a greased tail, and it is only
67
146 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
after it has slippped through the hands of some thousands,
that some fellow, by mere chance, holds on to it!"
Recorder. " If fame and notoriety be synonymous, you
have now gained what you have been so long in pursuit of.
You will see your name in the columns of the Picayune to
morrow glory enough for one day!
w Take him down," said the Recorder to the officer, and
'the clerk was ordered to draw out a commitment for Richard
Wright for thirty days.
JEALOUSY. *
WE verily believe that jealousy was one of the first and
most potent of the evils which flew on the world from Pandora's
box. We speak of jealousy in a particular and restricted sense,
and do not apply to it a general meaning. We do not mean
that spirit of animosity begotten between parties by rivalry in
business, nor that ill will which is engendered towards aspirants
for place or power who outstrip their competitors in the race
for either. We allude to that peace-destroying fiend that
implacable foe to domestic peace that "green-eyed monster,"
which reverses the rightful position of husband and wife, mak
ing home, which should be a paradise, a pandemonium; furnish
ing the world with tales of scandal, at which modesty blushes
and virtue weeps giving very often extra employment to
judges, juries, executioners and executors. This unappeas
able passion is indigenous to no particular country nor peculiar
to any one class. The untutored Indian on the prairie feels
its force as strongly as the educated prince in his palace. The
Jew, the Gentile, the Mahommedan and the Christian, are all
in turn the victims of its demoniacal fury.
It has seized on the mind of Nancy Nilligan, and the con
sequence is, that one of the police officers seized on Nancy,
on Nancy's husband, Ned Nilligan, and on the alleged author
of Nancy's jealousy, Nora Neil. They were all before the
Recorder yesterday, and if they were not very eloquent, they
were at least very loud in accusation and defence. Nancy,
who was rather poetically pathetic, commenced :
" O, the thiefthe thief of the world ! to think of lavin' me
alone in a strange counthry, like a bird in a wild bog that had
lost its mate, or a hare in the snow without a form. O Ned J
JEALOUSY. 147
it's little I thought, avic, when you soothered me with your
sweet talk, that the hot sun of your warm love would so soon
be succeeded by the could frost of neglect. O wirastrew ! but
it was a sorry day to me that you looked on Nora Neil."
Up to this time Mrs. Nilligan spoke more in sorrow than in
anger ; her language was that of subdued reproof rather than
violent crimination ; but this allusion to Miss Neil drew from
the latter lady the following retort, which was accompanied
by a look that, if analyzed, must have contained a full quart
of bitters :
u See that now, Mrs. Nilligan; throth, thin, he'll look on
me agin, too, and you can't help it either ; so you may put
your hands in your pockets and plase yourself."
Here the smothered fire of Mrs. Nilligan's wrath blazed
forth, and her very looks seemed sufficient to burn to a cinder
her real or imaginary rival.
" O, listen to that, your honour," she said ; " d'ye hear how
the brazen-faced hussy spakes to me teeth afther puttin' betune
me and me lawful husband. O, sure if she hadn't the assur
ance of Freney the robber, she'd hide her head, and would'nt
he seen in coort. But sure I know very well Ned wouldn't
spake to the likes of her if some fairy woman or some one
didn't throw a spell over him."
" O, Nancy Nilligan, your tongue is no scandal to you,"
retorted Nora. " I didn't work any pishiroge for her husband,
your honour. I'm a dacynt girl, and here's me character that
I got from me last place. To tell the thruth, I don't think
he's any great beauty, though she thinks that it's out of his
big toe the sun shines."
Ned certainly was not a very prepossessing individual. His
face resembled a roll of Goshen butter, with a centre slice out
in front for a mouth, and two pewter balls stuck in above for
eyes. He had withal a good natured kind of look, and traces
of repentance were visible on his countenance for any sins of
omission or commission of which he might have been guilty
towards Nancy.
" Well," said the Recorder to Ned, " what have you got to
say in this affair?"
" O, faix," said Ned, rubbing down with his right hand a
close crop of hair, rubbing his chin with his left, and looking
half lovingly, half imploringly at Nancy "O, faix, your
honour, I b'lieve somebody is to blame; I had, to tell the
truth, like Daniel O'Connell, strong notions of repalin' the
148 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
union with Nancy but now, since I find she still has the
ould gra' for me, I'm for goin' back to her and mindin' me
business. In fact, your honour, I'm as much in favour of
reannexation as President Tyler himself."
This declaration of principles seemed to give Nancy great
and unspeakable joy, and Nora Neil left the office saying, she
wished her (Nancy) " luck in her bargain."
A CABMAN IN A DILEMMA.
OUT-DOOR THEATRICALS.
AMONG the numerous strange cases brought under the
special notice of the Recorder was that of Sophronia Fitzclar-
ence, who was arrested in the streets a few nights since at the
instance of a cabman. With hair dishevelled, bonnet knocked
into a " cocked hat," and dress draggled and in disorder, she
appeared as though she had been enacting antics under the
joint influence of rum and romance.
The cab driver, who was a sinister looking chap with an
oblique castnn his eye, a very large head, and an enormously
stout neck was the principal witness against Sophronia, and
appeared to be as much of a character as the accused herself.
" Well, sir," said the Recorder, What did Sophronia do to
you ?"
"Veil, if you'll jest hold your bosses a minute or two, I'll
give you all the items," retorted the cabman, with the peculiar
patois of his particular class.
" Go on, then," continued the Recorder.
Yes, sir. Veil, as I was standing aside of my cab, sir, near
the corner of St. Charles and Foydras streets, a thinkin' on my
fare for the day, this ere fair one came a stormin' along with
a kind of a theatre step, and jest as she got up to me she stopt
suddently, give me a wild stare in the face, clasped her hands
together, worked her shoulders forward and back, and then
kind of shrieked out ' Oh ! Clifford ! is that you ?' ' No, I'm
d d if it is,' said I ; but afore the words was scarcely out of
my mouth she threw both arms round my nerk, like I was
her own dearest blood relation, then pushed me off at arm's
length, looked me full in the eye, and says she, follerin' up
her first speech, ' Clifford ! don't you know me ?' ' Veil, I
'Clifford, don't you know me?" Page 148.
A CABMAN IN A DILEMMA. 149
don't,' says I; 'Speak to me, Clifford,' says she; 'Go away,'
says I ; ' My own Clifford,' says she ; ' You be d d,' says I;
and then she sobbed, threw her hands about in a kind of
distraction, and says she agin, 'Clifford ! why vont you speak
to me." 'Cos I don't know you,' says I; 'There! that's
Clifford's voice, if ever Clifford spoke,' says she; 'No it
war'nt,' says I, ' for my name's Jim Groom, and I don't
know Clifford from a side of sole leather.' Veil, in that vay
she vent on, sir, cryin', swingin' her arms about, spoutin'
poetry, and talkin' nonsense, like as though she was a play
actor oomari on the stage, until finally I had to call a watchman
to help me out of the scrape. She's one of the dreadfullest
cases of the highstrikes I ever did see. Vy, do you know,
sir, that she axed me if her 'orrid nupshals could be per-
wented ?"
" You did'nt know it," gravely said the Recorder. *' But
what did you tell her ?"
" I told her as how I thought if she'd go home and take a
nap it might perwent 'em, although I did'nt know exactly
what them same nupshals was she was makin' such a muss
about. Don't you think that sleep 'ud hit her case?"
"Very likely," continued the Recorder.
" And vot's more, do you think if she was to take the tem
perance pledge it would do her case any partic'lar harm ?"
continued the cabman, and at the same time he gave the Re
corder a knowing wink.
"That will do," continued his honour, who saw plainly
enough what was the cause of Miss Sophronia's vagaries and
strange flights. She confessed that she had been to the theatres,
and had imbibed rather more than was prudent of stimulants.
These, combined with a great fondness and natural turn for
theatrics, had partially turned her brain for the moment, and
induced her to let off a little of the effervescence in the im
mediate vicinity of Jim Groom ; but she promised to behave
better in future, if the Recorder would only let her off. On
these conditions she was discharged, and leaving the office
-full of rumination sad,
Laments the weakness of these latter times."
150 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
A TOUEIST IN TROUBLE.
GEORGE JONES, a kind of nondescript or amphibious animal,
half landsman and half sailor, was yesterday an applicant for
justice before the Recorder. He is a short, chubby man, with
dumpy legs, and looks something like an image of Toby Phil-
pot on an earthern pitcher. He wore a blue cloth jacket that
extended down to his hips, and white corduroy pants that did
not extend farther than to form an alliance with his Wellington
boots. He sported a red silk neckerchief, which contrasted
strangely with his smoky-looking face, and his eyes were as
dull and as listless as a London fog. He was of the genus
cockney, and never had been out of sight of St. Paul's, nor
out of sound of Bow-bells till a spirit of enterprise not common
to the denizens of the " great metropolis 1 ' induced him to cross
the Atlantic.
" George Jones ?" said the Recorder.
" Ps here, your vuship," said the interesting object of the
foregoing remarks.
" Frederick Von Wyk ?" said the Recorder.
" Dat ish me," replied an individual with a cabbage counte
nance, who looked as greasy as an old candle mould.
"State your complaint, Jones," said the Recorder.
" Veil, your vuship sees," said Jones, "as how I'm from
Lunnun : I's a hingineer by purfession."
" A what ?" asked the Recorder.
" A hingineer," repeated Jones : " vy bless your hinnocent
heyes, doesn't you know vot a hingineer be ? Veil, I'm blowed
if you haint a green 'un !- Vy, I makes steam-hingines and
the likes."
" Oh, you do do you ?" said the Recorder.
"Yes, I does," said Jones, "and I's right smart at the
business ; but that beent all."
" Is it not ?" said the Recorder.
" No, it haint," said Jones ; " I's a hauthor, too I's writ a
woyage to Margate ; and though the newspapers called it a
wile production, my missus said as how it was a right clever
thing, and so ven I vos out of employment she says to me
'George,' says she, 'if you vant to make a fortin, you just go
to America,' says she, 'and if you don't get no steam-hingines
A TOURIST IN TROUBLE. 151
to build, you can write a book.' ' Mary,' says I, -my old
ooman's name is Mary, please your vuship 4 Mary,' says I,
4 if I vos to go to America to build steam-hingines, I'd get
blow'd up, that I vould ;' and vit that, your vuship, she com
menced blowin' me up, and as I saw no difference between
being blow'd up by my vife's tongue and an American steam-
hingine, I put out right off."
" I have heard quite enough of the history of your life now,"
said the Recorder: " What is your complaint against Frederick
Von Wyk ?"
" Veil, I vants my money from him. I's a free-born Hing-
lishman, and vont stand no gammon."
u Under what circumstances has he taken your money?"
asked the Recorder.
" Vy, you see, ven I landed from sea I felt like eating a
sassenger, or summit nice, and I goes to this 'ere man's shop,
and I says ' 1 vants a pund o' sassengers, but they must be
a wery shuperior article. You can't come cats' meat over me,
'case I's Hinglish myself.' Vit that be gets offended, and says,
4 Ve haint cockneys, old feller ; ve doesn't go that rig.' Veil,
I buys 'em, and ven I takes 'em home they all laughs and says,
4 That 'ere's a reg'lar suck !' and I asked them vat they means,
and they says, 4 Vy bless your hinnocent heyes ! haven't you
heard of the dog law ?' Vi' that, your vuship, my suspicions
became aroused I hexamines the harticle, and I'm blow'd if
I didn't find one of the sassengers vos a dog's tail, hair and
all ! Now, your vuship, that's vot they'd call hobtaining mo
ney hunder false pretenses at the Old Bailey I'm blow'd if they
wouldn't!"
Here the thermometer of Frederick Von Wyk's fury raised
to fully ninety degrees in the shade. He threatened to sue
Mr. Jones, the cockney tourist and civil engineer, for slander,
asserted that he never suffered a dog, either alive or dead, to
enter his premises, and protested in the name of sausage-makers
of New Orleans, individually and collectively, against the
cockney's imputation on the trade.
The Recorder said he had heard enough of the merits of the
case, to know that it was one over which he had no control.
If the parties felt ambitious to figure in court, they should re
spectively sue by civil process, and so he dismissed the case.
The cockney expressed his determination to expose the
whole transaction in his book of travels, and drawing out his
-diary he wrote as follows :
152 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
-> "MEM. New Orleans is a wery wile, wicious place : they
kills men there with Bowie-knives and dogs with pisoned
sassengers. They berries the former holesale in the swamp,
and retails the latter, tails and all, as sassenger meat. It's a
'orrible state of society !"
THE HEAD vs. THE FEET.
THOMAS TOPPLETON belongs to that class of society who
beautify the human head and operate largely in bear's grease
he is a hair dresser. Henry Hendover claims brotherhood
with the sons of Crispin his business is to adorn the foot;
but being a genius in his way, he confines himself exclusively
to the manufacture of ladies' boots. Thomas Toppleton enjoys
the felicity of being a married man. Mr. Hendover has to suf
fer all the miseries incidental to single blessedness. Both of
them live within the romantic limits of Love street; they are
near, but not, it would seem, good neighbours. We acquired
our first knowledge of the parties at the police office yesterday.
There they sat, Toppleton to the right of the Recorder, with
a nose as sharp as his own razor, and his hair slick as grease.
Hendover to the left of his honour his face as bright as a
lap-stone, and his black eyes shining like balls of patent leather
and he himself looking altogether a strapping fellow. Mrs.
Toppleton took her seat right in front of the Recorder, and at
an angle of about 45 degrees from her liege lord and the ladies'
boot-maker. Toppleton looked hot curling tongs at Hendover
Hendover looked pincers at Toppleton Mrs. T. looked
like herself and unlike either of them. It was evident the two
former were plaintiff' and defendant in some important case,
the particulars of which the investigation was to develope.
The Recorder commanded silence, and five constables simul
taneously echoed the call, after which the Recorder raised in
his hand a paper folded in an oblong form, and called "Thomas
Toppleton?" "Henry Hendover?" "Mrs. Helen Hour:
Toppleton ?"
Each of them answered to their names, and stood up round
the bench.
Recorder. " Now, Mr. Toppleton, state your complaint."
Toppleton. "Yes, I'll tell about it, your honour. You
see I aint long from Lunnun ; the shop I vorked in there had
THE HEAD VS. THE FEET. 153
letters patent for shaving the Queen and the royal family ; J
have frequently myself, your honour, given the royal curl to
Prince Albert's royal moustache.
Recorder. " What has the curling of Prince Albert's mou
stache to do with your charge of assault and battery against
Mr. ITendover ?"
Toppleton. " I'm coming to 'that point, your honour. You
see when I comes here I takes a house in Love street, right
opposite this here snob's."
Policeman. " Order."
Recorder. " Use no disrespectful language in court, sir."
Toppleton. " Veil, he aint no reg'lar ladies' man, no how
If my vife vas a wirtuous 'ooman, she vouldn't speak to him
that she vouldn't."
Mrs. Toppleton. " Thomas, Thomas, my love, is not this
pretty language to be used to your lawfully married wife, in a
public court ?"
Recorder. "But how did the accused assault you ?"
Toppleton. " Veil, you see ven T opens a shop in Love
stieet, this here man, Hendover, begins to look queerish at my
vife, and she begins to look queerish at him, and she calls him
a wery nice man, and says, she vill leave her measure vith
him for a pair of prunella boots. She's alvays a goin out, and
ven I says to her, c Helen my dear, vere have you been ?'
4 Thomas, my dear, I've been listening to Mr. Hendover's ca
nary, that sings so nice.'' Veil, your honour, I didn't suspect
nothing till last night, ven I vent out to dress a lady's head
for the ball, and ven I comes back, I looks in through the
vinder, and there J sees this shoemaker vith his hand round
my vife's neck, and he singing, c I give thee awl, I can no more,'
and saying every thing to her about 'heartand love,' and all that."
Mrs. Toppleton. " He wasn't doing no such a thing. He
came over to chow me the kind of leather he was going to
put into my boots.
Hendover. "His charge is the weak invention of a malignant
mind.
Recorder. " But what of the assault and battery ? Did ht?
strike you ?"
Toppleton. "No, but he entered my premises without my
consent, and vould'nt leave ven I ordered him out."
Recorder. " Well, then, you must enter suit against him
for a trespass. This case is dismissed."
Mrs. Toppleton left the office a perfect picture of " Niobe,
all tears."
154 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
LIVING MADE EASY.
WILLIAM BROWN and Dan Steppy were arrested in a new
building.
" This kind of a life will never do," said Brown.
" Never," said Steppy ; u it required some talent to carry it
on as long as we have."
u I have some talent in a literary way," said Brown, " and
I was thinking of writing a work called the ' Strangers' Guide,
or Boarding House Reference.' You know there is not one
of them I have not tried, and not one of them that has not
trusted me when they could not help it."
"Yes," said Steppy, " you beat me in making out breakfasts
and dinners, but you can't shine in making a raise of drinks
as well as 1 can."
" I knock under," said Brown.
" Do you know how I do it ?" said Steppy.
" Utterly ignorant of the modus operand?^ my dear fellow,"
said Brown, " but always thought you had a peculiar talent
that way."
u I have, sir; so I have, sir," said Steppy. " Superior edu
cation a knowledge of physiognomy and of human natur
does it."
" Explain," said Brown.
" Be silent," said Steppy.
" I'm mum," said Brown, slapping his open mouth with the
palm of his hand, a la Captain Copp.
" Well then, you see, unless I'm really shook, I always goes
it in the bit houses doggeries aint genteel. When I sees fel
lows going up to the bar, I says, how do you do ? how are
you now ? I knows at one by my knowledge of physiognomy
whether the crowd be whigs or locofocos I don't believe in
the bump business. If they're whigs, 1 at once begins to
speak of ' glorious victories' the triumph of correct principles
the annihilation of locofocoism, and all that sort of thing,
and they at once says, what'll you take, sir ? If I find they
are locofocos,*! damn coon skins, log cabins, and hard cider;
and thus, in either case, walk into a horn and something else
:f it be snack time."
LIVING MADE EASY. 155
" But there are three things that are a puzzle to me," said
Steppy, u which are these : who wrote Junius' letters ? who
is elected governor of Maine ? how do you pull wool over the
eyes of the boarding house keepers ?"
" System, sir, system. My gentlemanly address and pre
possessing appearance. I find a pair of spectacles indispens
able in carrying out my plans, and a good cane has, in many
instances, a prodigious effect."
" Let us have light," said Steppy.
" I will," said Brown, " but you are the first person to
whom I ever revealed the secret. Well then, like making the
egg stand on end, the process is simple when it is made known.
Every boarding house has a label with a black ground and
golden letters on the door, saying that it is a boarding house.
You have nothing therefore to do but hover near the door at
breakfast or dinner hour, salute one of the boarders as he pas
ses in and continue the conversation till dinner is announced;
sit next him at dinner if possible, to keep up the delusion;
but this is not indispensable : walk out when he walks out,
and it will be at once concluded that you're his particular
friend, and no questions will be ever asked. I've tried it a
thousand times and it never failed in a solitary instance."
" Why donH you follow it up ?" said Steppy.
"Because I have no new customers to do," said Brown.
" But I have an idea a thought has struck me."
"What is it ?" said Steppy.
"Why, that we exchange situations; let you take the run
of the boarding houses, and I'll take your place in the hotel
business."
" Capital ! capital ! excellent ! excellent !" said Steppy.
"If you have got capital," said the watchman, just as they
had made arrangements for a new start in business u if you
have got capital, this is rather a suspicious place to be in."
Without listening to a word from them he calaboosed them.
The Recorder would listen to no explanation, but sent them to
the calaboose for thirty days each.
156 PICKINGS FROM THE ;; PICAYUNE."
ADJUSTING BALLAST.
CONSIDERING that we are now ii\the centre of the dull sea
son, there was a liberal patronage in the way of business
extended to Recorder Baldwin, yesterday.
The victims having been all dove-tailed into the dock, the
Recorder having seated himself on the bench, one policeman
having called "order !" two or three others having instinctively
echoed " order,' 1 and the motley audience outside the bar
having "shut up," and prepared themselves to pay due atten
tion to the proceedings of the court, the Recorder called
"John French," and immediately a short man, with a short
neck and a short nose, answered shortly "Aye, aye, sir."
French is a regular old ironsides of a fellow, with shoulders
as broad as the keel of a Dutch built vessel; there was a patch
over each of his sky-lights, as if he had been newly caulked,
though his proboscis was any thing but ship-shape. The night
was not sufficiently long to dissipate the effects of his dissipa
tion, and when he rose to reply to the Recorder, he lurched
on every side like a water-logged ship.
" French," said the Recorder, " you were found drunk last
night."
French, through the agency of his tongue, caused his quid
to revolve in his jaw or in other words, like many of our
present politicians, he made it change sides ; he then gave a
sudden jerk to his canvass trousers, smoothed down with his
dexter hand some stray hairs that grew on the deck of his
head, and replied to the interrogatory of the judge :
" Well, I b'lieves your honour, as how I was on a bit of a
cruise."
Recorder. " What do you follow for a living ?"
French. " I follows the sea, your honour, and have done so,
man and boy, for the last forty years ; yes, your honour, Jack
French has weathered many a gale he has often been cast
away on the leeshore of poverty, though he never saw a mess
mate yet raise the flag of distress, that he did not bear up to
his aid and assist him, while a shot remained in the locker."
Recorder. "There were two bottles of whiskey found on
your person one in each pocket of your jacket."
JIMMY M' GO WAN. 157
French. " Why yes, commodore, you see as how I was
bent on a voyage, and I took on board a regular supply of sea
store ; them there two bottles of Monongahela I stowed away
in each of my pockets, by way of ballast, but may I be food
for sharks if I could get along. I kept continually keeling
over to the right; avast there, said I to myself, I don't set fair
in the water, and with that, your honour, I took the bottle out
that was to my starboard side, took a jolly good swig out of it,
and put it back again. Now thinks I, I guess I'll go right
before the wind no danger in putting out studding sails, but
then, your honour, I found I lurched to the larboard side ; I
took out the bottle that was stowed away there and I lightened
that, by anticipating my regular grog time, and taking a hearty
swig. Now, again I found myself inclining to the right, and
I again took out the bottle. After having spun this yarn for
your honour, you will see that I was doing no more than
adjusting my ballast, when that piratical looking craft there
(pointing to the watchman) hauled me into port for the night.
I only wish I was skipper over the lubber for one month, and if
I wouldn't stop his grog may I never double Cape Horn again."
Jack having thus stated his case at length, he drew from his
pocket a large piece of pigtail and replenished his quid. He
hoped his honour would allow him to raise his anchor and
put to sea this time, and he assured him that he would not be
again caught water-logged in this port.
The Recorder assented, first giving him some wholesome
advice that may serve him on future voyages. Jack paid dock
fees, as he called the jail dues, and with a " heave ahead my
hearty !" he left the office.
JIMMY M'GOWAfl,
WHO AIDED NATIONS IN ESTABLISHING THEIR INDEPENDENCE,
BUT COULD NOT SECURE HIS OWN.
A MOST imaginative class of beings are your police court
reporters : their pens do turn to shapes
The form of things unknown
" And give to airy nothing,
A local habitation and a name."
But how often in seeking after the fanciful, do they pass over
the real ? How often, to indulge in the poetry of romance,
158 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
do they forget the prose of reality that appears before them.
Let a daguerreotype picture of the Recorder's court be any day
given, thus: Frst, high above all others, sits the presidium
judge all decorum and dignity,
" Like a comet wondered at."
Beneath and before him sits his clerk, mutely intent and busily
employed in registering the edicts of the court: next are the
police officers, all silence and submission themselves, and
exacting from others a like deference ; then there are the pris
oners in the dock, to whom we shall again advert, and lastly,
there is the indiscriminate audience in the back ground, laughing
at they know not what, and deferential they know not why.
The lawyers, reporters and others whose appearance is but
occasional, we omit, not wishing to crowd them into the pic
ture. Now, after having taken a farther glance at the Recorder,
police officers and audience, let us dwell for a moment on the
tenants of the dock. Among them may be traced improvi
dence, poverty, idleness and dissipation. There is the father
less boy, having neither moral mentor nor parental protector,
arrested for some petty theft on the Levee : there is the thought
less young man, who, heedless of friendly admonition, plunges
into the vortex of profligacy and dissipation : there is the man
to whom a loving wife and fond children look for succour
and support, and who, forgetful of their claims, has mixed in
the orgies of the tavern, and been arrested for being engaged
in a bacchanalian row : and, lastly, there are those between
whom and the world all friendship, all fellowship have ceased,
and who move along, seeking no sympathy, alike regardless
of the envy or approbation of mankind. Whilst in the lives
of such men there is much to condemn, there may also be
much to pity ; and were we to scan over their lives, we would
indeed find that
" Truth is strange stranger than fiction."
Let us, by way of illustration, take the case of Jim M'Gowan,
who, for the hundredth and odd time, appeared before his
honour a few days since. What a chequered life has been
his ! how in it has fortune and adversity, hope and despond
ency, alternated ! But to give the reader an idea of what it
has been, let us briefly sketch it over.
Jim Jim M'Gowan, was born in the north of Ireland His
parents were in the linen trade and weaving line a business
in which was then centred all the wealth and capital of th
JIMMY M'GOWAN. 159
northern country. Jim, in the spirit of true Irish independ
ence, disdaining every thing pertaining to the shuttle and the
hank of yarn, came out to the United States of America. Re
port says that love and a lady had something to do with his
migration ; and that, as Burns says
" A jillet brak his heart at last,
111 may she be ;
So he took a birth atbre the mast
And over the sea."
The states, it appears, he did not find altogether to his
notion, and so, unlike the Scotchman, he went u bock again."
He next joined Gen. Devereaux's expedition to overthrow the
power of old Spain in Colombia, South America. In this
capacity, as a soldier of liberty, he passed through many
u moving accidents by flood and field." He was equally suc
cessful in making love to the dark-eyed daughters of Colombia,
and in defeating those who held their country in colonial vas
salage. The war of Independence being over in Colombia
the Spanish power having been prostrated Jimmy, though
having gilded his humble name with many a daring deed,
began to cast about for other theatres on which to play the
hero's part. Mexico was yet struggling for independence, and
to Mexico Jimmy went. There he fought till matters were
finally adjusted ; and their having been favourably adjusted,
as it was believed, for freedom, Jimmy again found himself
with nothing to do. His was not a peace mission ; so he
could not remain idle he went to Buenos Ayres, and there,
too, he fought on the side of liberty. His last and final strug
gle was at the far-famed battle of San Jacinto, in Texas, where
he taught the Mexicans that, when he aided in achieving their
liberty, he meant not to confer on them the power to enslave
others.
Jimmy's broils and battles are now over, and with all he
has fought and all he has bled, he cannot now call one spot
of all the world his own ! He is almost perpetually an
inmate of the workhouse, and his frequent theme of regret is
that, after having aided in achieving the liberty of four repub
lics, liberty is not now vouchsafed to himself. Alas, poor
Jimmy M'Gowan !
160 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
WHISKERS.
OR, A CLEAN SHAVE.
WE have long been thinking of writing an essay on whis
kers of reviewing their shape, kind and colour of dwelling
on their utility, as ornamental appendages to the "human face
divine," and discussing wherein and how far they add to the
masculineness of manhood. We think there is a natural science,
though yet undeveloped, in whiskers a something that we
might call ivhiskerology which if properly and practically
understood, would as unerringly indicate character, as eiiher
physiognomy or phrenology. Our own imperfectly digested
reflections on the matter have led us to these conclusions :
With large and naturally glossy black whiskers, we always
associate honesty of mind and firmness of purpose ; with a
moderately sized cresent-formed whisker, good nature and a
tolerable share of self-esteem ; with a whisker forming two
sides of an angle, caution and cunning ; with a short, ill-
shaped whisker, an inordinate love of riches and penuriousness.
A moustache, except when worn by military men, we look
upon as an unerring indication of a lack of brains ; and a tuft
of beard below the under lip, as ditto in a less evident degree.
Thus it may be seen that in whiskers, as well as in bumps of
the head and lines of the face, there is an unwritten philoso
phy ; and what we have stated goes farther to show the truth
of the inspired maxim, that there is nothing, not even whiskers,
made in vain. But we meant to speak of a pair of whiskers
in particular, not of whiskers in general, and we shall now
carry out our intention, placing in. abeyance, at least for the
present, our speculative opinions on the philosophy of whis
kers and their relative connexion with the physiology of char
acter.
The whiskers of which we shall now speak, were worn by
one Joseph Rogers. They were long, black and bushy, and
were regarded by Joseph as precious pearls yea, pearls be
yond all price. As a further ornament to his person, Joe wore
a full and abundant crop of hair, which curled down over his
face and shoulders, like bunches of vermicelli in a grocer's
window. His profession was and is a sailor, and in such
WHISKERS. 181
capacity he shipped as cook on board the good ship William
Tell, whereof Captain Gardner is master, then (in May last)
lying in the port of Marseilles, and bound for this port, at
which she has since arrived. Joseph had not been long on
board when Captain Gardner discovered that the curls of his
hair, nor the length nor the size of his whiskers, added to his
natural or his acquired capacity, or his cleanliness as a cook.
He found that Joseph devoted more time to his facial orna
ments than he did to the making of lobscouse, and that the
pork and beans were often allowed to spoil, in consequence
of extra and unnecessary time being devoted to the exercise
of the curling tongs.
The captain remonstrated ; he told the cook that he did not
approve of having his galley turned into afriseur^s shop; be
sides, he said he liked his rations well cooked, and he should
have it so : he therefore ordered that Joe clip off his curls and
shave off his beard, whiskers and all. Joe rejoined that the
thing was impossible : he admitted that good cooking was
very well in its way, but it sunk into insignificance when
compared with the fulness and style of his hair and whiskers ;
besides, he said he had no razor no scissors. The captain
offered him the use of both. Joe still said "No." He gave
his flame in Marseilles a lock of his hair, but from all others
he held it as sacred as Mahomet held his beard. The captain,
finding remonstrance of no use, and that the cookery was
every day going to pot, had Joseph seized by the mate, and
held per force by some of the men, while he clipped off his
elfin locks and shaved his whiskers, leaving not a vestage of
them behind !
When the ship came into port, Joseph straightway proceeded
to a legal adviser, whom he found in the person of Mr. Wolfe,
who instantly, on behalf of his client, commenced suit against
the captain, laying the damages for hair and whiskers at $150.
The case came up before Judge Preval, who gave judgment in
favour of the plaintiff for $100.
From this judgment an appeal was taken before Judge Col-
lens, of the City Court, and here it was that those fine subtle
ties of the law, the sophistries of the special pleader, and a
high order of forensic eloquence were indulged in. Mr. Wolfe
found an able professional opponent in the person of Jacob
Barker, who appeared for Captain Gardner.
" May it please the court," said the plaintiff's counsel, " is
there any thing in the history of our mercantile marine that
68
162 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
equals in indignity the case now before this court ? We have
heard tell of pirates making men walk the plank, but that,
your honour, is a mode of punishment, the pain inflicted by
which has at least the merit of being brief; but crop a man's
hair against his will, cut off his whiskers, and you place on
him a mark of disgrace which is never washed away never
effaced, if I may use a pun when speaking on so important a
subject. To be sure, I may be told that men shave and are
shaved every day : I grant it, your honour ; but then, again,
there are men whom no earthly consideration could induce to
submit to the operation. Thinkest thou, sir, or does the gen
tleman on the other side think, that a Mussulman would permit
his whiskers to be shorn ? No ! rather would he incur the
curse of Mahomet himself! If Captain Gardner and his crew,
like the Philistines of old, when they shore Samsom of his
locks and his strength at the same time if, 1 say, like them,
they took advantage of him in his sleep, the case might pre
sent some palliation 5 but to seize on him in his waking hours,
and pinion him while they divested him of his beard, in which
he so much prided himself oh ! it was wicked, cruel and un
requitable ! Sir, what does the great bard of nature say on
the subject ? He says, your honour, and I endorse his language,'
that
' He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath none is
less than a man.'
" Sir, I will not dwell on the amount of damages we
claim ; they are as a drop of water in the ocean as a grain
of sand upon the sea shore, compared with the personal loss
and injury we have sustained. J would, however, in fixing
the damages, hav^ your honour bear in mind the value at
tached even to false hair, that you may the better come at the
value of the natural article. Why, sir, I have been informed
by one of the first peruke makers in the city, that the value
of a good spring wig is sometimes as high as $50, and that,
with whiskers and moustache, or imperial to match, they fre
quently sell for $80. With these remarks I shall submit my
case to the court."
Mr. Barker who had been, while this speech was making,
looking now at the speaking counsel, now at the court, now
at some one r and now at no one, and laughing a silent laugh
with his mouth all the time now rose. We should here re
mark, that Mr. Barker's laugh is a peculiar one he absolutely
SOAP SUDS. 163
laughs through his specs : it is an extraordinary mode of laugh
ing, and yet it is his.
The learned gentleman, still indulging in his peculiar laugh,
said that the whole affair was a bagatelle & mere trifle a
trifle light as hair ! He said he could not see it possible how
any man could claim damages for a clean shave. Shaving
was a business in which he had much experience; he shaved
closely indeed, he might say he shaved every day. People
sometimes complained, it was true ; but still, of their own
free will and consent, they submitted to the operation, and
never thought of bringing an action for damages. Besides
being a shaver, he had some experience as a shavee : indeed,
while he shaved hundreds himself daily, John Parsons, the
barber, shaved him ; and, instead of finding fault with him, he
paid him monthly for the job. He did not conceive that the
case called for any argument, and would, without further re
mark, submit it.
The judge, after having received the testimony and argu
ment, and the law which in his opinion covered the case, ad
judged and decreed, that the judgment of the court below be
set aside and annulled, and that Captain Gardner pay to Joseph
Rogers, for the assault on his person, $25.
We would not be understood to insinuate that Judge Col-
lens had any personal bias in this case, or that he is ignorant
of the bonajlde value of a pair of profuse whiskers ; but cer
tain it is, that he has none himself!
SOAP SUDS.
" O the furrin blackguard ! I'll swear me life against him,
and me childer's life, and the life o' me ould man the Lord
rest his sowl in glory ! that's dead six months come next
Aysther."
This was spoken by a woman of Amazonian proportions,
with carroty hair, and a nose to match. The thrill of her
tongue told she was from the land of shillelaghs and sham
rocks, and the fire and fury that blazed in her eye gave occular
evidence of her dander being up or, in other words, told
that the thermometer of her passion ranged at or about ninety-
two degrees in the shade.
" Silence, woman !" said the Recorder.
164 PICKINGS FROM THL u PICAYUNE."
"How can I be silent, yer honour?" said the indignant
representative of Erin's pride " how can I be silent whin
that bluebeard of a Robinson Cruis [Crusoe] wants to chate
me out o' me hard airnings afore me two lookin' eyes !"
u My heyes !" said a constable, u if she haint a reg'lar wixen
of a voman !"
In speaking of Robinson Crusoe, the lady with the deeply
tinged auburn hair, held out her bared arm, and pointed the
index finger of her dexter hand at a bilious-looking man, who
was rather profuse in the display of whiskers and moustache,
and who kept working his shoulders up and down, like a
patent sawing machine, while the aforesaid volley of Irish
eloquence was poured out at him.
" What is your name ?" said the Recorder, addressing the lady.
" Me father's name was Flaherty," she replied ; " but me
mother was of the Dorans, of Ballymackduff, the rale ould
stock."
Recorder. " I don't care if your mother could trace her
ancestry back to Noah : I ask you what is your name r"
Complainant. " O, af coorse I'm called Bridget McMona
han sence I marrid ; and if you don't b'lieve I was lawfully
\marrid, I've the priest's lines at home, in the corner o' the box,
and can sind for thim."
" Mon Dieu ! Mon Dieu !" said the defendant in this case,
turning up his eyes in astonishment at the volubility of Mrs
Bridget McMonahan.
" Now," said the Recorder, addressing Bridget in a stern,
emphatic tone " now state the complaint you have to make
against this gentleman ; and if you don't confine yourself to it,
I'll confine you to the calaboose."
Bridget." Well, yer honour, I jist want to swear the pace
agin him, for chatin' me out o' the money he honestly owes
me, and there's the bill."
The following is the copy of the account handed in by
Bridget in evidence :
Jacobus De Vitol,
To Bridget McMonahan, Dr.
To washing a dickey four times, $00 50
To do a pair of wrist frills twice [4 pieces] 00 50
To do a shirt collar four times, 00 50
$1 50
The Frenchman being called upon to explain why lie re-
AN IMPOSTURE. 165
pudiated the payment of his just debts, he told the Recorder,
in broken English, it was one grand imposition, for in France,
he said, " you see, de collair, de ruffle, de dickey, de tout en
semble, be reckon de one whole shirt. Me will pay for de
shirt me no comprehend de pieces."
The fact was, that the Frenchman conceived that four bits,
instead of one dollar and a half, was the legal amount due and
owing to Mrs. McMonahan. 1
On the code of practice adopted by the washerwoman, how
ever, being explained to him, he " footed" the bill, and footed
out of the office in a rage.
AN IMPOSTURE.
" Hypocrisy ! in mercy spare it !
That holy robe oh, dinna tear it !"
IF a mental microscope were constructed by which we could
discern men's motives and scan their incentives to action,
how many impostures would we find in the world ! what un-
revealed mysteries would be brought to light ! We would find
men bearing the livery of religion, pointing to heaven, and
professing to lead the way, with hearts black as their clothing
men concealing under the garb of piety souls leavened with
sin. We would find affected patriots thundering their anathe
mas against the corruption of men in power, whilst their own
boasted political purity might be properly construed as love of
place. We would see the man who in public is most loud in
his laudations of morality, in private the most active abettor of
vice. We would see men professing a universal or unbounded
love for all mankind, inveighing at the success of his friend or
neighbour. We would see, in a word, that men are not, in
every instance, what they seem to be. But we did not mean
to write an essay on hypocrisy in general we meant but to
speak of humbug in particular; or rather, to tell of William
Weithman, a loafer of the upper crust soap-lock order, whom
we sa\v up before the Recorder yesterday.
" William Weithman ?" said the Recorder, in a tone which
told there was something not very complimentary in store for
William.
A full-faced, fuddled-looking individual answered, " Here,
sir," to his honour's call.
166 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
" Johanna Van Dernwall ?" cried out the Recorder and a
flaxen-haired, blue-eyed, plump-looking girl instantly made
her appearance.
" Are you not a pretty fellow ?" said the magistrate to Wil
liam, viewing him with an eye of disapprobation.
William, without making any reply, put his hand on the
crown of his head, and let it fall down over his coat collar to
the extremity of his chesnut-coloured locks, as much as to say
" Well, I rather guess I am."
" State your complaint against this man," said the Recorder,
addressing Miss Johanna.
" Veil, I vill," said the pretty Dutch girl, curtseying to his
honour, and she continued " Ven I vash in de market dish
mornin', he comes up and he says, ' I vansh a cup o' coffee,'
and he says, 4 1 vansh a tother cup o' coffee, and I vansh egghs,
and pred, and a tother cup o' coffee, and ven he drankhs all
me cuphs o' coffee, and hates mine egghs and mine pred, I
says 4 yoush siksh bit to pay,' and he say ' I no pay ; I be-
longhs to de shick soshiety : I sthays upvid every von vot ish
not veil ; I'm de charity man !' sho I calls dish man, [the Com
missary of the market] and he takesh him up."
" Yes," said the Commissary, " J know him to be a loafer
and an impostor. The men who belong to the different benevo
lent societies are young gentlemen of standing and character
they would not associate with such a fellow as that ! Why, it
was only a few minutes before I arrested him, that I saw him
turned out of the 4 Pig and Whistle !' he had two drinks, and
would not pay for them, because he said he belonged to the
.Fi/-anthropic Association ! I'll be swoun, your honour, if he
don't look like a quack-doctor !"
William begged to be heard in his defence. u May it please
the court," he said, " you see before you the victim of a wicked,
malignant and undeserved persecution. I never said I belonged
to any humane society ; I never said I was a member of any
charitable association ; but I did say, sir, I repeat it now, that
I was a poor, penniless individual; that the epidemic stared
me in the face, and that, were it for no other motive than to
prevent me being a burthen on the benevolence of your citizens,
it behooved me to partake of the means of sustenance where-
ever I found it. Sir, I maintain that this was acting on first
principles that it was obeying the dictates of nat "
"Silence, sir," said the Recorder, " I have heard enough from
you. I shall commit you for thirty days. Take him out,"
LAW IN MISSISSIPPI. 167
and in an instant an officer, who had been all along waiting
for the closing word of condemnation, took him out.
Weithman muttered something as he went with the officer
about
" Man, vain man, dressed in a little brief authority."
The Recorder paid the Dutch girl, from his own private re
sources, her six bits, and so the trial terminated.
LAW IN MISSISSIPPI;
OR, AN OFFENSIVE DEFENCE.
PERHAPS the jurisprudence of Mississippi within the last
few years has given birth to a wider range of pleading, and
brought forth more pure, native, forensic eloquence than the
highest tribunal of our country in the mean time. Few per
sons, being strangers and not u to the manner born," who
should enter one of the roughly constructed temples of justice
in the interior counties of the state, before the solemn " Oyez f
oyez ! oyez !" of the crier proclaimed its formal opening, could,
from a hasty glance at the bench, the bar, the inferior officers,
litigants and loafers, anticipate the legal research, the great
professional ability and lofty eloquence which, like a subter
ranean stream struggling to be free, were shortly to burst forth
to the light of day and the edification of all whose good for
tune it might be to obtain a verdict in their favour.
Who could suppose not knowing the parties that he in
the threadbare black coat, with the bran bread countenance,
who asks the man in the brown flannel frock for a chew of
tobacco who, we say, could suppose that he holds the fortunes,
aye, the lives of free and independent Mississippians within
his grasp ; that he it is that wields the sword of justice and
poises its scales in the air of law and equity. And again, who
could imagine that that rollicking, good looking young man.
with his feet on the bench, or rather on the deal table before
the bench, who is arguing with the ex-bank director on the
right of repudiation who could imagine that under so rough
an exterior there lay hidden so much law, so much learning,
so much pristine talent, so much pure pathos. But the report
of a single case will illustrate our several points better than if
*e generalized through whole pages We shall, therefore.
168 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
*
select a case from the records of the late term of the Copiah
county court, which, we think, will bear us but in our pref
atory remarks. This case stood No. 9 on the docket, and
was endorsed " Thomas Taylor vs. William Mackew."
"Taylor vs. Mackew Holwell and Harriett?" said the
clerk, reading from the fixed cases.
" Ready," said Holwell.
" Ready," echoed Harnett.
The crier called silence, first expectorating as much tobacco
juice on the floor as would send Charley Dickens into a swoon ;
the witnesses were called, the jury were empannelled and the
case proceeded.
It was an action by which the plaintiff claimed right to the
possession of three negroes, the property of the defendant.
The case was opened by one of plaintiff's counsel, who, by
the way, had secured the professional services of three of
the legal luminaries of Copiah county. His witnesses were
called their evidence went point blank to the matter at issue,
and the general impression was that the unanimous opinion
of the jury would be w verdict for the plaintiff." When the
case for the plaintiff' had closed, the judge told Harnett, for the
defence, to call his witnesses.
u We mean to dispense with witnesses in this case, may it
please the court," said Harnett, and this he uttered with an air
of confidence that seemed to astonish every body.
u Then do you mean to let the case go by default ?" said the
judge.
U D n clear of it," said Harnett aside and in an under tone
to his client, who seemed to look at the thing as "a gone case"
and then turning to the court he added, " We do not, may it
please the court, but the plaintiff's counsel have so palpably
failed to establish the grounds of this action they have so
evidently shown that the plaintiff's right to my client's ne
groes is futile and without foundation, that I deem it a waste
of time of this honourable court, and a libel on the good
sense of that intelligent jury, to offer any evidence or quote
one word of the law which applies to the case. Indeed, so
clear does the case appear to me, that I was thinking of sub
mitting it to the jury without a single remark ; but on reflec
tion I have concluded to offer a few observations, that my
client may stand before this community in his proper character,
that of an honest, honourable and injured man !"
When he spoke of the clearness of the case in his client's
LAW IN MISSISSIPPI. 169
|
favour, the judge looked at the jury and the jury looked at the
judge, and one of plaintiff's counsel whistled w whew !" But
this did not disconcert Harriett, and into the defence he went,
jumping over very wisely, as he said he would, all law
and evidence, for it would puzzle a Philadelphia lawyer,
much less a Mississippi lawyer, to find any of either in his
favour.
" Gentlemen," he said, " I will suppose, for argument sake
for it is only for the sake of argument that such a supposition
can be for a moment entertained I will suppose, I say, that
the plaintiff had made out his case ; would you, when the debt
is but a surety one. deprive my client of his negroes, the only
prop and support of his fast declining years ? Shall it be said
that in the free, independent and repudiating state of Missis
sippi, the last remnant of my client's property shall be swept
away to pay a debt, the first red cent of which he never
handled ? Shall it be told abroad, among the bank men of
New Orleans, the brokers of Wall street, New York, the Jews
of the Royal Exchange in London, and the millionaries of the
Bourse of Paris, that the three negroes, and the three only
which the tornado of bad times, the crash of banks and the
surges of suspension had spared him, are now to be gambled
away by your verdict ? J say gambled away, gentlemen ; for
such a verdict, in point of injustice, would sink below playing
at brag or poker with marked cards mind you, I say with
marked cards, gentlemen."
He next launched into the pathetics. " Gentlemen," said he,
"you all have wives young, amiable, interesting, lovely wives.
Gentlemen, my client too has a wife ; but alas ! she is neither
young, amiable, interesting or lovely. She is old, gentlemen,
very oiu. AmiaDle she is not, for the vicissitudes of fortune
and a constitution broken down by disease, have rendered her
an object more to be pitied than admired ; interesting or lovely
she cannot be, for she has long since passed that period pf
life when beauty lends its blandishments to the cheek and
sprightliness and vivacity add their lustre to personal attrac
tions. Take these negroes away from her and you prostrate
her as the immortal Shakspeare so elegantly expresses it
' You do take the cra
That doth sustain ner nouse; you take her life
When you do take the means whereby she lives.'
" In fact, gentlemen, I pledge you my professional reputa-
170 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
tion that you would be all liable to indictment for murder in
the first degree, should you find a verdict against my client."
At this announcement the jury looked startled, the judge
looked astonished, and at the several negative compliments
paid to his better half, the plaintiff seemed nowise pleased.
The counsel next referred to the head of his client, silvered
o'er with age no, not with age, for he was comparatively a
young man, but with the frosts of misfortune. Here the
defendant darted out of the court in an apparent rage. The
counsel continued his ingenious defence, and finally wound
up by an ardent appeal to the virtue, intelligence, independ
ence and magnanimity of the jury, to find for the defendant.
The opposite counsel replied. They referred to the con
clusive nature of the evidence, to the clearness of the law and
the naked facts of the case. The judge charged in favour of
the plaintiff, and censured the erratic and unprofessional
couse of defendant's counsel, but it was all of no avail. The
eloquence of Harnett, the pity-exciting picture which he drew
of Mackew's wife, (in which by the way there was not one word
of truth, for she happened to be a brisk, bouncing woman,) but
above all his threat about arraigning them for murder, did the
business with the jury, and without retiring from their seats
they brought in a verdict for the defendant.
Harnett immediately left the court, and on his way up to the
tavern met his client, who seemed flushed with liquor and
much excited. u Joy ! my boy, joy !" said the delighted coun
sel, " I've gained the suit."
" D n the suit and d n you and d n the negroes," said
Mackew, " I would'nt suffer the abuse you gave the old woman
and myself for the whole concarn. I'll lick you for it ' any
way you can fix it ;' " and here he brandished a large stick
over his zealous lawyer's head, and would have repaid him
for his dexterous professional service with a sound beating, had
npt mutual friends interposed.
Explanations were made to Mackew, who at length became
convinced ihat the talk about his wife's age, ugliness, &c., and
about his o\vj gray hair, was "all in his eye and Elizabeth
Martin ;" so they adjourned to the tavern and had a a-enerl
drink.
THE DANGER OF DIDDLING A BARBER. 171
THE DANGER OF DIDDLING A BARBER.
A QUEER looking genius is Paul Preshraini. He looks as if
nature had formed him while under a state of mesmeric influ
ence, or at a time when she was unconscious of what she was
doing. Paul has never made an effort to thwart her design ;
au contraire, as the Algerines say, he invariably seconds her
intention by acting oddly in a way that nobody else but
Paul would act. He studied the science of shaving under a
Parisian tonseur ; it is a business that affords a wide field for
the exercise of his eccentricities, and he lets no available
opportunity pass without playing one of his odd pranks.
His rainbow-coloured pole graces the door of a shanty in.
Basin street at the present writing. This shaving saloon is
like himself queer, very queer. Besides the p<"le, the door
is ornamented with the heraldic device of a blooclj arm, which
is an intimation to the world that Paul is a phlebotomist as
well as an exterminator of beards. The interior of the apart
ment is graced with a miniature Bonaparte in large boots and a
cocked hat, a mirror, through which a man can see his face
<c in spots," and the walls are pasted over with more French
troops than set out on the Russian expedition or fought at
Waterloo. Though anxious to shave the world, he neglects
in a great measure himself j and for one who deals so much in
soft soap he is candid very candid in the expression of his
opinions. He is as much opposed to the credit system as Tom
Benton is; and is in favour of imposing a heavy duty on
money brokers, as a protective tariff to legitimate shaving.
Jean Ruean paid Paul a visit at his shaving shop on Sunday
morning, with a view of getting his face divested of its super
fluous beard, as was his daily custom.
u Bon jour, mon ami" said Jean.
" Tres bien. Monsieur," said Paul.
Jean sat himself down in the shaving chair and made a few-
pan tomimic motions with his hand, which meant " lather away
old feller."
Paul well understood him ; he shrugged his shoulders and
shook his head, saying, "No, no, Monsieur Ruean no, no;
b} gar you cannot, not any at all come dat ame upon dis
172 PICKINGS FROM THE u PICAYUNE."
enfant. I shave you one time you say you pay I say vera
good (he shrugs the shoulders.) I shave you two time you
say you pay I say vera good (another shrug.) I shave you
three time you say you pay I say vera good (a third
shrug.) Now you say shave four time, and I say no, G d
d n. You pay, I shave you no pay, I no shave. By gar
dat one M'dlle Lucy Long may take her time but Paul Pre-
shraini dat is me don't give no time nevare, not no more
nevare."
Jean, however, it appears, tipped the " tin" in his pocket.,
and assured Paul that as soon as he would shave him he
would pay off the account. On the strength of this promise
Paul set to work, and had Jean's beard off in as quick time, as
it could be done by a shaving machine. Instead of paying
him in full, however, Jean handed him two bits as a first
instalment, nor would he hand him any more. At this Paul
became so much incensed, that he uttered a sacre and its
adjuncts on the head of Jean, whipping up a loaded pistol at
the same time and firing it off at him !
Jean ran to the police office, made affidavit of the facts and
had Paul arrested ; he says he heard the ball whistle by his
ear like wind through the keyhole of a door.
The case is to undergo a further examination to-morrow.
CABBAGE.
A CASE came before the Recorder yesterday which elicited
considerable law and logic. It has its origin in the alleged
taking, stealing and carrying away a single head a solitary
head of cabbage. The name of the plaintiff was Mary M'Gloin,
that of the defendant was Hans Von Grout.
" Well, Mary M'Gloin," said the Recorder, " what about
the head of cabbage ?"
" O, the d 1 a know I know what's about it," said Mary.
"I wouldn't wondher in the layst if pickle was about it now,
for they say thim Dutch is as fond of sour kroutas theFrinch
is of frogs, or as the people of our beautiful, blissed country,
vhe Lord betune them and harm, is of praytees."
Recorder. " I mean, how was the head of cabbage stolr*
from you ?'*
CABBAGE. 173
"Faith, your honour, I had it where the piper had the jig
undher me arm, coining from the market, when this fellow,
that looks like a hot-house vegetable, comes up to me and says
he to me, in a foreign gibberish that I could scarcely undher-
stand it's a pity, your honour, that he wasn't sint to Ireland
to finish his idication, and be taught to spayk the King's Eng
lish day cent, and pronounce his word like a Christian. But
as 1 was saying, he comes up to me and he had another head
of cabbage. 'Did you see him ?' said he. 'Who?' said I.
4 The man that took it,' said he. 'What?' said I. 'Your
head of cabbage,' said he. And faith I looked about, and sure
enough I found me head of cabbage among the missing, and
there it was, lying quiet and aisy as a pig in a pool of a hot
day, in the bottom of his basket."
" Then you swear he stole your head of cabbage," said the
Recorder.
Mary. " Troth I do, Recorder jewel, for there wasn't a
mother's sowl prisint but himself and meself, bar'n the childer,
and they was at home, the craythers, sleeping sound and aisy."
" Any questions to ask this woman ?" said the Recorder to
the defendant.
" May it please the court," said a young lawyer, " I am
counsel for the defendant in this case ; I have some questions
to ask the witness. (Addressing Mary.) You state, madam,
the prisoner stole your head of cabbage. Now what couid
have been his motive for committing so petty a theft ?"
Mrs. M^Gloin. " Faix that's more than I know. I suppose
he thought two heads would be betther than one, any day.
Don't you thing so yourself?"
Lawyer. " No impertinence, madam."
Mrs. M^Gloin. "O, jist as you like, sir, suit yourself, it's
all the same to me."
Lawyer. " Now, madam, you say he stole your head of
cabbage. Will you swear that you know what a head of cab
bage is ? and that you know the genus of plants to which it
belongs ? The court will at once see the necessity of the
witness' being explicit on this point, because she cannot swear
that which she lost is a cabbage unless she is acquainted with
its physiology. Now, Linnaeus divides all solid plants into
two distinct classes or kinds the 'Cellular' and the 'Vascular ;'
and these again he subdivided into the ' Gryptogamous' and
the Monocotyledonous,' and the latter he calls endogenous.
Now. madam, after this will you pretend to swear that you
174 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
have an accurate knowledge of a head of cabbage, or that you
actually know^rhat it is ?"
Mrs. M'Gloin. "O, holy St. Bridget, this man is out of
his sinses. So, Mn Lawyer, you say, I don't know what a
head of cabbage is ? And I suppose you'll be afther saying I
.can't till the difference betuneahead of cabbage and a cabbage
head ? In troth then it's altogether aysier than you think it is,
for, by way of explanation, as Bill Dolin used to say when
he'd describe the streets of Dublin by making lines with a
kippeen in the ashes your head may be called a cabbage head,
but I defy you with all your larnin' to prove that because it's
a cabbage head it must be a head of cabbage !"
The young lawyer claimed the protection of the court from
such inuendoes and insinuations. " Every man," he said, " at
some time of his life felt a penchant for cabbage, and the sub
ject should not be treated with such levity. The journeyman
tailor cabbaged his cloth, and the Ex-president cultivated his
cabbage, and "
Here the Recorder abruptly put a period to his speech, by
telling him he could not sit and listen to a lecture on the cul
tivation of vegetables. He ordered the Dutchman to pay the
costs of court, and to pay Mrs. M'Gloin for her head of cab
bage, and so he dismissed the case.
JACK ROBINSON.
A SALT WHO WAS FRESH.
JACK ROBINSON, a tarpaulin-faced, tempest-tossed mariner,
wearing large canvass trousers, a blue jacket with white pearl
buttons in close column and double file, and a small sized
glazed hat, was one of the prisoners before Recorder Baldwin
yesterday. His hair was like a deck mop, his forehead like a
companion ladder, his nose like a quadrant, his eyes like a
pair of revolving lights seen in the distance, and his mouth
was like the large end of a speaking trumpet. His left cheek
was distended out in a conical shape, the effect of an enorm
ous quid of tobacco that was stowed away inside.
The watchman boarded him in Gravier street. His rudder
was broken and he had lost his compass, or what was about
the same thing, if he had one he was not able to use it lT e
JACK ROBINSON. 175
was lurching about from one side of the street to the other,
and singing
" I'm now, d'ye see, six days on shore,
And yet my spree, it is not o'er ;
Should 1 be calaboosed. wouldn't that be a bore?
I'll be d d it' it wouldn't,"
said Jack Robinson.
" Veil, you is in for it this time, sure, my covey," says
Charley, laying his grappling irons on Jack Robinson
"you'll hammock in the calaboose, to-night, old feller; that's
as sure as that you have eat chowder."
" Avast there, you piratical looking old laridshark," says
Robinson " or I'll douse your glims while you'd be saying Jack
Robinson." Jack, suiting the action to the word, made a blow
at the guardian of the night, missed him, and keeled over. The
watchman, without holding further parley with him, took him
to the Baronne street prison, vi et armis.
" Jack Robinson ?" said the Recorder, in his usual grave tone.
" Aye, aye, sir," said Robinson, standing up, giving a jerk
to his canvass trousers, removing the deposits of tobacco from
one jaw to the other, and giving himself a shake like a New
foundland dog after leaving the water.
"What do you follow for a living?" said the Recorder.
"Well, look here, commodore," said Jack Robinson, " if so
be as you are quizzing me when you ask that ere question,
hard weather to me if I'll answer it. I thinks as how it needs
no telescope to tell I follows the sea; why, bless your eyes,
I haint bew off it a whole month since I first joined with
Commodore McDonough. The poor commodore has gone to
Davy Jones' locker long since, and as brave a fellow he was
as ever paced a quarter deck." Here the old tar's eye became
moist, a tear stood in the corner of it, and he wiped it off with
the cuff of his jacket.
u What ship do you belong to ?" said the Recorder.
" Schooner Experiment," said John " rather a rum 'un to
look at, but a precious good sailer."
" Well, I shall let you go this morning," said the Recorder,
" but when you next come on shore you ought to try some
other experiment than that of getting drunk."
" Thank your honour," said Jack Robinson ; " I'll make
an entry of your advice in the log-book of my memory it
may keep me off from breakers in future." He clapped his
low crown hat * his head %nd put out.
176 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
A DANCING-MASTER IN A DILEMMA.
ADDITIONAL interest was yesterday added to the ordinary
or every day picture which the police office presents, by the
appearance of three figures which stood out in bold relief in
the foreground. These were a man of very sallow visage,
with very long soap-locks, and a very long waist, legs to
match, and wearing a very seedy coat ; a very hard-featured
lady, who had passed life's meridian, and whose dress, like
the veterans of '14-J5,has seen some service; and her daugh
ter, a girl whose time of life was somewhere in the twenties,
with round, beet-coloured cheeks and a nose that you could
hang a tea-kettle on. Their presence was soon explained,
and their respective positions soon defined by the Recorder
gravely calling out their names, and by the parties answering
the call
" Rebecca Ringwood Eugenia Ringwood Theophilus
Twing. What is your charge, Mrs. Ringwood ?" said the
Recorder.
"Four dollars and fifty cents," said Mrs. R. "One week's
board, washing two dickies and a pair of white cotton gloves,
and mending a pair of black silk-and-worsted stockings."
" I mean," said the Recorder, " what criminal charge do you
bring against him ?"
" Why, attempting to defraud a poor, lone widow,l>f course,"
said Mrs. Ringwood, "and endeavouring to win clandestinely
the affections of this young and amiable child."
Here Mr. Twing turned up his eyes, as if he were attempting
to descry a bottle-fly on the ceiling, and Eugenia turned down
" her'n," as if she was looking for a pin on the floor.
u Stale what steps he took to accomplish his purposes," said
the Recorder.
"Steps !" exclaimed Mrs. Ringwood, "why he took no steps
at all. If he did, I'd have no fault to find with him. Didn't
he promise to teach Eugenia all sorts of steps the Pol-/tfl/,
the CaZ-chouka and the Crack-a-vein, and all these things ; but
instead of that, he never gave her a lesson. She doesn't know
no more than her three first positions, and them her poor dear
father taught her. Eugenia, show his honour how gracefully
you understand the attitudes."
A DANCING-MASTER IN A DILEMMA. 177
" Not now, Mrs. Ringwood," said the Recorder. " I sit here
to decide a question of law and fact, and not to act as umpire
m the Court Terpsichorean. Mr. Twing makes a counter
complaint against you. He says you retain a silver-keyed flute
of his, worth fifteen dollars."
" O gracious me!" exclaimed Mrs. Ringwood, "didn't he
make a present of it to Eugenia ' didn't I hear him with my
own two ears singing
" ' I give thee all, I can nomore,
Though poor the ofFring be ;
My heart and flute are all the store
That I can bring to thee !' "
" I suppose, Mrs. Ringwood," said the Recorder, u that it
was but a poetical presentation."
" Nothing more in life, your honour," said Mr. Twing. " On
the occasion which she refers to, J was but indulging in a fa
vourite retrospective scene, which from association made that
song dear to me a scene which impressed itself on my memory
long before I saw these vulgar people, and which will remain
graven there long after every trace of their ignorance will be
obliterated."
Here Mr. Twing sighed an audible sigh, placed his left hand
over his right elbow, and placed the nail on the thumb of his
right hand between his teeth. He was a fine study fora painter
who would wish to present Bonaparte in a contemplative mood
the night before the battle of Austerlitz.
" Mr. Twing," said the Recorder, " did you agree, as Mrs.
Ringwood says you did, to teach her daughter to dance ?"
" There certainly was such an agreement, your honour,"
replied Mr. Twing, " and I have performed my part of it. I do
not wish to be ungallant, for you know what Shakspeare
says "
u It matters not what Shakspeare says," said the Recorder :
" what have you got to say touching your failure to instruct
this young lady in dancing, as you had agreed to do ?"
" That success in the undertaking were impossible," replied
Mr. Twing. u Why, your honour sees the girl before you -
you see her carriage and bearing. By perseverance 1 think I
could teach an elephant to move through a quadrille, or a
buffalo to understand the gallope ; but as for perfecting Miss
Eugenia Ringwood in the ' poetry of motion,' lord ! your
honour, the thing is an impracticable impossiblity ! You see,
sir, that she is no figure no cut, but all shuffle!"
69
178 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE "
Here Eugenia began to weep, and Mrs. Ringwood began to
apply epithets to Mr. Twing such as " good-for-nothing fel
low," " impostor," " bolrayer of innocence," and all that to
suffer which was deemed by the Recorder beneath the dignity
df his court, and so he had her silenced. He ordered Mrs.
Ringwood to give to Mr. Twing his silver-keyed flute, and
advised her to sue Mr. T. in a civil court for the amount which
she claimed as due and owing her. Mr. Twing chasse-ed out
of the room as gracefully as if he were going through the
second figure in Paine's quadrilles, and Mrs. Ringwood left,
emphatically affirming that she would never more let such a
good-for-nothing scamp enter her door.
THE FANCY NOT FANCIED.
BILL SMITH, a fellow who looked like a flash Bowery boy,
was brought up yesterday before the Recorder on the compla nt
of a little oldish man who called himself Alfred Granger. J ill
wore a small, straight-leafed hat ; a short skirted coat v ith
brass buttons and pockets outside ; he sported a Belcher hand
kerchief, and a remarkably large brooch in his shirt bosom.
" What is the nature of your complaint ?" asked the Re
corder of Mr. Granger.
" Why, I charges this here man with being a himposter,"
said Granger. " You see as how I have got a son who is a
wery promising young man a wery promising young man
indeed ; he has great genius, only it wants to be brought out
to be developed, as the phrenologists say. He makes the
prettiest kind of paper kites, and paints wings and all on 'em.
Well, you see, this here man introduces himself to me as a
professor of the arts and sciences, and one that could paint
and draw, and do any thing that nobody could do ; and he says
to me, says he, won't you have your son taught a few lessons,
says he my terms will be moderate. I doesn't mind about
the terms, says I, but I think he is rather old ; yet I know he
has taste and fancy. He aint too old, said he, and I fancy he's
just the sort of a feller to make one of the fancy Well, we
agrees, and I leaves him in the room with my son, telling him
to commence on a landscape scene. Would your honour be
lieve that when I returned I found this here Smith and ir-y son
boxing one another for the bare life, though neither oi fJ?oi
THE FANCY NOT FANCIED. 179
seemed in a passion, and they both wore gloves as large as
bed pillows."
; What is this for ?" I asked.
" It's only a set-to," replied Smith.
" Is this what you calls the fine arts ?" said I.
" No, I calls this the noble art of self-defence," said he.
" I thought you were master of the sciences," said L
" Don't you call this science ?" said he.
"You told me you could draw," said I.
" So I can," said he, and he hits my boy a blow on the nose
that brings the blood from it.
" Don't you call that drawing^ old feller," said he ; and he
turns round and squares up at me, and he says " Where'll
you take it."
"I'll not take it nowhere," said I, running out; " but you'll
catch it, that you will, when I bring you up before the Re
corder ; and here he is now, your honour."
As the Recorder adopts the old fashioned custom of hearing
both sides of a story, he thought he would hear Mr. Smith
before deciding.
Smith declared that Granger gave a very erroneous version
of the transaction. He professed, he said, the science of pu
gilism, and taught it agreeably to the most approved rules of
the ring. He agreed with the plaintiff to give his son lessons
in the noble art of self-defence, and these were the only pro
fessions he made about his knowledge of the arts and sciences.
As for painting, he said it was never mentioned, nor did he
believe that Sir Joshua Reynolds, if he were alive, could make
a painter of the young man ; he's a regular thick head, your
honour, and won't even make a good boxer.
The Recorder, finding that Mr. Granger "mistook his man"
in the person of Mr. Smith, and that the misunderstanding orig
inated in his commendable zeal to foster and improve the genius
of his son, he discharged the case, cautioning Smith at the
same time against giving any more lessons to young Grangei
in opposition to the wishes of his anxious parent.
180 PICKINGS FROM THE u PICAYUNE."
MICK PARREL'S SERENADE.
RFCORDER BALDWIN was liberally patronised on _unday
and yesterday. Among the victims was Mick Farrell. Mick
took it into his head to get " high" on Saturday night, and
being in liquor and in love, he also took it into his head to
saranade Bridget Donahoe, his soul's idol, who officiates as
Ude in a gentleman's mansion in Carondelet street. Mick
having taken his last toddy, tottled on to where Bridget acted
as principal cook, determined to soften her obdurate heart with
his syren voice, and ii he did not succeed, to commit " infan
ticide," as he called it, by drowning himself in the Mississippi.
In fact, he had made up his mind
" It was the night
That was to make him or undo him quite !"
Having arrived at the house that held all his hopes, he look
ed into the basement apartment, vulgarly called the kitchen.
He saw a light but did not see his beloved Bridget. He at
once commenced singing his song or serenade. It depicted
the beauty of Bridget in the most glowing and poetical colours,
and represented his own sufferings as " intolerable." Bridget's
eyes were like "diamonds bright," her cheeks were like u the
rose," her teeth (which, to speeak the truth, were none of the
whitest) were by Mick likened unto ivory, and her neck, to
which the sun and the fire had imparted a glow resembling a par
boiled beefsteak, he imaginatively compared to alabaster ! He
spoke of his own heart bleeding, of burning with love, of suffer
ing divers other torments, and wound up by saying of Bridget
" She seems like a goddess or some young divine,
That came as a torment to torture makind!"
" Are you there, Bridget darlin' ?" said Mick, when he finish
ed his song, " or don't ye hear me spakin' to ye ? Git up there
and come down here, cushlamachree, or I'll lose me sinses in-
tirely. I've lost me appetite alriddy : I've thried sassaprilla
pills, and they wont cure me. Oh, Bridget dear, if ye don't
say ye love me right off, widout goin' round the bush about
it, I'll sartinly go cracked and commit infanticide!"
u Is that Mick ?" said Bridget, putting her head out of an
attic window.
A MUSICAL MELEE. 181
"TThroth, thin it's me own self, acushla," said Mick; "all
o' me that's in it. I'm wasted away like a withered praty stalk,
thinkin' of yer purty face, sleepiu' and wakin,' night, noon and
mornin'!"
" Mick !" said Bridget.
"What's that, a colleen ?" says Mick.
u Yoii're an ass, Mick!" said Bridget, very composedly.
u Omille-o'-murdher! fire! robbery! I'm kilt!" roared Mick,
and he commenced cutting up fantastic tricks like one actually
beside himself. The simple monosyllable ass applied to him
by Bridget seemed to have in a moment quenched the light of
reason in him. Fortunately the watchman came up as he was
in the height of his vagaries, and took him to the watchhouse.
On Sunday morning, when called on by the Recorder to
account for his strange conduct, he said it was u all ovvin' to
the dhrop o' dhrink and a sort of a tindher regard" he had for
Bridget Donahoe.
The Recorder told him he should let him go on paying jail
fees, but if he should be ever caught again annoying the quiet
of the city, he would be sent down \ it would matter not whether
the cause was love or liquor.
Mick made his best bow and departed.
A MUSICAL MELEE.
THE Recorder recently received a visit from a customer who
looked as though he had been roughly used in more ways than
one. His coat appeared to have been rudely handled, and bore
strong evidence that some other hand than that of Time had
been at work upon it. His eyes had variegated borders about
them, and the balls themselves had evidently been operated
upon for strabismus on the Kentucky system. His nose was
twisted about " every which way," as the saying is, and his
forehead had more bumps upon it than can be found on any
phrenological chart in Christendom. In short, his whole
visage looked as though some young beginner had been scratch
ing the notes of the more difficult passages of the Battle of
Prague upon it. Walking up to the Recorder with a mincing,
sliding, shuffling gait, and politely removing his hat, which
also bore evident maik/s of having been " out" with him in some
recent hard skrimmage, he began with
182 PICKINGS FROM THE U PICATLNE."
"Monsieur le President, sare, you see I be killed vid one
d n salt and batter, and I calls for you to hang all de d n
rascal in de vorld vera quick."
" Who are you " said the Recorder.
" I am de first fiddle, sare."
" And can discourse most eloquent music, no doubt," con
tinued the Recorder.
" Oui, very much," retorted the first fiddle, with an air of
ludicrous importance.
" And who blacked your eyes ?"
" D n, by gar, it was de rascal double bass did black my
two eye."
" I didn't suppose him to be so base, so low a character,"
^said the Recorder.
"Solo! by gar it was one quartette, sare. De double bass
he blacky my eye, ad de trombone did put in vat you call de
big licks in my vat you call dis ?" placing his hand on his
forehead.
"And those hieroglyphics on your face let us hear who
else was in the row," continued the Recorder.
" I will explain de whole affair, sare, in two minit. You
see, dat while de big fiddle was black my two eye and de
trombone was develop dese bumps, de French horn and de
clarionet was playin' at my face and nose, and "
" Why the whole orchestra was performing away on you at
the same time."
" Yes, sare, and very much out ob de tune, at dat. I feel
so very much provoke dat I could tear my shirt in forty piece.
D n, dey knock me into de middle of nex week."
"Were you in liquor at the time ?" said the Recorder.
" Wat you call in liquor, eh ?"
" Were you drunk, to speak plainly ?"
" Entre deux vins," said the first fiddle, with an assenting
shrug of the shoulders ; " I was leetle drunk, leetle how come
you to be so, dat's a fac."
" Well, sir," you call again when 1 am not so busy, and I
will take your affidavit against every instrument in the orchestra
\hat was engaged in the affray, for they evidently played upon
you to some purpose. It was certainly a most inharmonious
proceeding."
The first fiddle bowed and left the office, threatening to
blow the French horn sky high, cram the trombone down its
owner's throat and kick the big fiddle into perfect fits.
A VIOLATION OP THE TREATY. 183
A VIOLATION OF THE TREATY.
AMONG the appellants for justice at the Recorder's office yes
terday, was Damon Dunfield, an old Ethiopian, whose wood-
saw was hung on his shoulder like the guitar of a troubadour,
ere the days of chivalry had gone by. Damon looked about
as wise as an owl in daylight; he appeared to have borrowed
for the occasion, the dilapidated hat of Jacques Strop, and the
remainder of his wardrobe seemed made to match. His hair
was a grizzly gray, and his face wrinkled and puckery, like a
postillion's boot.
u I wants to hab dis 'ere business settled, massa 'Corder,
dagreeable to de constirtushun."
" What business is that ?" said the Recorder.
" Whoy, you sees, massa 'Corder, dis 'ere nigga has wior-
lated de treaty affer de boundary line was 'greed to 'tween us."
" Dis 'ere nigga," to which Damon alluded, was a big, burly
black, with teeth enough to form the stock in trade of a den
tist, and a pair of eyes that curvetted about in their sockets
like the revolving lamp of a light-house.
" And pray," said the Recorder, " what has this negro to do
with the violation of the treaty or the tracing of the boundary
line ?"
u I aint got nuffin at all," said the fellow with the mouthful
of bones.
M But I says you hab," said Damon," and I'll just 'splain d*
whole ting to massa Judge, in less time dan I'd be sharpenin'
my saw."
" Well, then, let us hear you," said the Recorder.
" Wai, it's jus' dis, massa," said Damon, " you sees dis
chil' is an old squatter and no mistake. I's had what you
may call de pre-emption right to de cuttin' ob all de wood
'tween Canal and Customhouse streets and de Lebee and Dau
phin streets, I doesn't know how long; wal, dis 'ere nigga
comes and he cuts into my cus'omers wood, and cuts me out,
for he interferes wid my wested rights. Wal, massa, yon sees
I speak to him like a book, or jus' as massa Webster did to
Lord Ass-bur'on, and I conwinces him right up and down dat
he aint no right to 'trude on my bound'ry."
" Guess, ol' fella, I knows de science ob wood sawin' well
as you do," said the big negro, " dere aint notin' in the con
stirtushun to perwent me, neider,"
184 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
"Silence, sir," said the Recorder; and silence having pre
vailed, Damon continued
" Wai, as 1 was sayin', massa Judge, when I showed him
my exclusib pribileges, he tho't to come de diplermatics ober
me, but he couldn't shine, no how, so finerly he 'grees not to
cut no wood widin my limerts no way, no somedevor."
"I didn't sign no documents," said the big negro.
" You pledged de word ob a wood-sawyer and a darkey
dat you wouldn't," said Damon, "and now I cotches you at
it ebery day."
" Did he commit any assault and battery on you ?" said the
Recorder.
"He didn't," said Damon, "but you sees, massa Judge, he's
a strange nigga, and I calls on you to purtect home industry.
1 wants you to go in for what massa Clay calls de'Merican
system."
The Recorder assured Damon that he would do all in his
power to protect home industry, and to support the American
system, but that he could not interfere with his rival in busi
ness, or prevent his sawing wood within the imaginary boun
dary lines to which he (the plaintiff) seemed to set up a pre
scriptive right.
The case was dismissed. Damon shouldered his saw, and
pledged himself to bring the case before a higher court.
ALLWELL, NOT ALL RIGHT.
THE proceedings of the police office were yesterday varied
by the rehearsal of what would be called in the playbills
"a drama of domestic interest." The principal characters
those whose names would be underlined, if the subject had
been dramatized were Dudley Dobbs, and what out of court
esy we shall call his better half. Oliver All well, too, had a
part assigned to him in the piece; but as it was not a main one,
we shall for the present pass him over.
Dobbs has passed the summer of life, though his appearance
as yet gives but little evidence of the sear leaf of autumn. He
is a pursy little man, with a round, red face, and evidently of
3, bilious, nervous temperament. Before his case was called
Wai, it's jus' dis, massa," said DamoD, "you sees dis chil' is an. old squatter,
and no mistake." Page 183.
ALLWELL, NOT ALL WELL. 185
up he paced the court-room backward and forward, sometimes
suddenly striking the boards with his cane; at other times
striking his forehead, which was bald, with the palm of his
hand, and exclaiming in a semi-suppressed voice " J'm a
miserable man ! False, fickle Fanny ! envious Allwell."
u Mrs. Dobbs' " human face divine" was concealed beneath
the folds of a green veil. What her personal charms were, at
that stage of the proceedings, it was impossible to discover.
She kept up a pendulum kind of movement with her body, as
if she were practising experiments on perpetual motion.
In the course of human events or, more strictly speaking,
when the names that preceded those of Dobbs and Allwell on
the watch report had been called over and disposed of, then
did the clerk call out " Allwell versus Dobbs witness, Mrs.
Dobbs."
"I call on the court to dismiss this case at once," said Mr.
Dobbs. " It was a prostitution of judicial power to have ever
brought me here, and I protest against any investigation, as an
unnecessary and illegal exposure of domestic privacy."
" The court knows its duty, Mr. Dobbs," said the Recorder,
"and will perform it. You have been subpoenaed here to
answer to an assault, and not to instruct the court in its duty.
It is vested with a power to shield itself from insult, or at least
with a power to punish for any insult offered. Beware sir, how
you address it."
"Dobbs, dear, be calm," interposed Mrs. Dobbs, partially
raising her green veil and looking entreaty ; " don't offend his
honour."
" I will," Dobbs ; that is, I will not suffer myself to be
brought before a public court by that scoundrel Allwell, whose
very name is a misnomer, without protesting against it !"
During these preliminary remarks Mr. Oliver Allwell sat
with his chair poised back against the wall, the hind feet of it
only touching the boards, and his feet resting on the front
rung. He was paring his nails, and we could hear him hum
ming, soto voce
" Dance, the boatman dance."
Being the complainant, however, he was called on to state his
charge. He did so briefly, and in a manner which showed
that he feared not Mr. Dobbs, either in or out of a passion.
"May it please your honour, sir," said Allwell, " I recently
arrived in the city,- and accidentally met with Mrs. Dobbs, who
186 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
was an old acquaintance of mine in fact, I was her beau, as
we say."
Here Dobbs looked daggers at Mrs. Dobbs, and bowie-
knives at Allwell.
Allwell continued " In short, your honour, she invited me
to tea on Friday evening, when every thing passed off well.
Again, on invitation, I took tea with her and her husband on
Monday evening. Mrs. D. and I talked of old times, and
dwelt upon by-gone reminiscences, when Dobbs, without any
previous intimation of his design, actually pushed me out of
his house ! I could, but I would not, inflict upon him personal
chastisement, preferring to have him punished by the strong
arm of the law."
" Now J shall hear you, Mrs. Dobbs," said the Recorder.
"Dobby, my duck," said Mrs. Dobbs, "ask Mr. Allwell's
pardon ; do, my dear, he is such a nice gentleman."
" Yes, Mrs. Dobbs," said Mr. Dobbs, " and I thought you
were a nice gentlewoman a discreet woman a but I'm
deceived in you, Mrs. D. You "
" What have you to say to this charge, Mr. Dobbs ?" asked
the Recorder.
" This, your honour," said Mr. Dobbs: "On Thursday
last my wife was out shopping, and when she came in she said
to me, 'Dobby, my dear,' says she, (she always calls me
Dobby, and I call her Fan, for short her Christian name is
Fanny) ' Dobby, my dear,' says she. ' What is it, Fan, my
love,' says I. ' I just met my cousin Allwell, from New York,
and I invited him to tea to-morrow evening,' says she. ' I
s'pose it's all right, my love,' says I. ' It is Dobby, dear,' says
she, ' he's such a nice man.' ' Well, your honour, he did tea
it with us on Friday evening, and between them they engrossed
the whole conversation ; I seemed to be nobody with them,
and I certainly did not feel like myself. They talked of
nothing but pic-nics at Hoboken, drives to Harlem, boating
parties to Staten Island, and society balls in all parts of the
city. I bore it, your honour bore it like a man ; but, would
you believe it, when I came home, on Monday evening,
" Oh ! Dobby dear, d " interrupted Mrs. Dobbs.
"Never c Dobby' or 'dear' me again, madam!" exclaimed
Mr. Dobbs: "I detest deception, ma'am." [Here Mrs. D.
insinuated her white handkerchief to the corper of her eye.]
Dobbs continued : "Yes, your honour, when I came home
LOVE AND LETTER WRITING. 187
on Monday evening, I actually found him with his arm round
her neck, and he reading ' The Mysteries of Paris' to her !
4 Dobby,' says she. 'Mrs. D.,' says I. ' Love !' says she.
'Fiddlesticks!' says I. 'That scoundrel,' says I 'your coz,
as you call him quits this house instantly.' 'You'll drive me
mad, Dobbs,' says she. ' You have driven me crazy, madam,'
says I ; ' but, at all events, out he goes,' and so out I put
him."
Mrs. Dobbs was called on by both plaintiff and defendant
to give testimony in their favour; but she preferred to remain
neutral, except so far as her entreaties to both Allwell and
"Dobby" went, to settle the affair amicably.
As there was no " battery" proven, the Recorder simply
bound Dobbs over to keep the peace; but he advised Mrs.
Dobbs never to invite even a cousin to tea. unless her husband
approved of the invitation.
LOVE AND LETTER WRITING.
YESTERDAY a most romantic looking young gentleman
made his appearance at the police office. An unsealed note,
which came "greeting" from the Recorder, politely command
ing him to " be and appear" there at ten o'clock and answer
to the complaint of Mrs. Martha Williamson, and which ended
by a hint to "fail not at his peril," bringing visions of the
calaboose before his excitable imagination was the immediate
cause of his presence in that particular temple of justice. His
face Mas overhung by a profusion of coal-black hair, which
he wove in ringlets he called them hyperion curls and his
face was as pale and pensive as if he were preparing to act the
ghost in a melo-drama. He gazed through his eye-glass with
an air of supercilious scorn, and seemed even to regard the
Recorder as some fel-low beneath his dignity. He looked like
one who breakfasted on love-sonnets, who dined on sentiment,
supped on serenades, and slept on romance. He seemed, in a
word
The very extasy of love ;
Whose violent property forebodes itself,
And leads the will to desperate undertakings,
As oft as any passion under heaven
That does afflict our natures."
When Mrs. Martha Williamson was called, a woman entei
188 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
ing the sere and yellow leaf of life made her appearance.
Though her eyes had lost some of their pristine brilliancy,
their glances were still quick and subtle, and evinced a dis
trustful watchfulness of all over which she had control. She
was told by the Recorder to state the complaint she had to
make against Theophilus Travere and this led us into the
secret of the romantic gentleman's nomenclature.
The old, or rather the more than middle-aged woman, be
fore commencing a recital of her wrongs, adjusted her gloves
and threw back her black veil over her bonnet, leaving the
margin of it to hang gracefully over her forehead as so much
drapery : u O, sir," said Mrs. Williamson, cooling her temples,
with an artificial current of air created by the motion of her
fan " O, sir, I wants to have this here man put in the peni
tentiary."
"In the penitentiary!" said the Recorder, with surprise;
" why what has he been doing ?"
" There's what he has been doing," said Mrs. Williamson,
drawing a pocket-book from her reticule and drawing from
the pocket-book some half dozen letters, fancifully folded,
some in diamond shape, and others in the form of a triangle.
' There's what he has been a doing ; writing love-letters to
my daughter till he has fairly turned her head."
They were addressed to Miss Clementha Clarinda Levina
Williamson, and were "sure enough" love-letters, as full of
rhapsody and romance, of poetry and plighted vows, as a bal
loon is full of gas.
The Recorder was proceeding to open these missives, forged
in Cupid's arsenal and aimed at the heart of the amiable and
interesting Clementha Clarinda Lavina Williamson, when
Theophilus Travere entered his protest against such a pro
ceeding in the following words :
" I waise my pwotest against any man, even the Rocawdaw
of this onowable court weading my pwiwate lettaws or pa-
paws."
" It is necessary I should read them," said the Recorder,
" in order to discover the nature of your offence."
" Well then, to save the cooat twoble," said Theophilus,
"I at once admit I am the awthaw of those pwoductions. I
have, fo* the first time, felt the tendaw passion fo' the admiw-
able Miss Williamson, and have made these bwief epwistles
the medium of communicawting to my soul's idol the intensity
of my passion."
LOVE AND LETTER WRITING. 189
Here is one of the billet deaux, which we think should find
a place in the next " Ready Letter Writer."
No. 17. , street, March, 1841.
" Doubt thou the stars are fire ;
Doubt that the sun would move ;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love !"
" Angelic Clementha Clarinda Lavina
"Fairest of creation's fair ! most adorable of thy sex ! my soul's best
idol ! will not love, pity or compassion move you to grant me an inter
view ? Will the admonitions of a morose mother, prevail over the ardent
solicitations of your impassioned lover ? Can it be that a soul enshrined
in a form so lovely as yours, is insensible to the influences of the platoruc
passion, and that eyes beaming with such beauty will apply no salve to
the wound which they have, unconsciously no doubt, made ? O, dearest
Clementha Clarinda Lavina! I am being consumed by the wasiing tire
of love, which your charms have enkindled in rny bosom, and unless you
form some scheme of seeing me ere long, you will leave me like the phcsnix
in my nest to burn !
" Alas ! that love, so gentle in his mien,
Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!
Adorably ever thine,
THEOPHILUS TRAVERE.
" P. S. I send this by the negro woman Dinah, who will wait on you
this afternoon for an answer. T. T.
"P. S. S. Don't let that petrified piece of mortality, your anxious
mother, see this. T. T.
" P. P. S. S. My name is not signed with red ink, but with my blood
my heart's blood. Is not that a proof of the sacrifice I am prepared to
make for your sake. T. T."
The Recorder having perused this document and the others
which were of a similar import, facetiously smiled and informed
Mrs. Williamson that, so far as he could judge from the letters
before him, Mr. Theophilus Travere was not guilty of a peni
tentiary offence, or indeed of any offence at all of which the
law could take cognisance, unless writing nonsense might be
considered a capital offence a supposition which any thing
6e read in " the books" did not warrant him in coming to.
He discharged the case, but cautioned Theophilus against
doing any thing that would disturb the peace of Mrs. William
son's family.
Theophilus bowed and retired. Mrs. W. retired without
lowing.
190 PICKINGS FROM THE ' IrJAYUNE."
A LIVEHOOSIER.
WE love to look at a real, genuine, live Hoosier, and we
love to talk to him. We do not mean those fever and ague
affected fellows who find their way into Indiana and out of it
again, and who are little better than locomotive medicine
chests ; we mean those stalworth sons of the soil, with sound
hearts and strong arms, who are " to the manner born."
Such a one is John Whitworth, whom we met yesterday in
the Second Municipality police office. John came to Orleans in
his favourite mode of conveyance, a flatboat. The captain of the
flatboat, in paying off John, gave him a bad ten dollar bill, of
which he was not aware. John caught our fancy wonderfully,
and while setting on a side seat, waiting for proof of his inno
cence, we sat beside him with a view of bringing him out.
" What height are you ?" said we.
" Six feet three, scant," said John.
" Why, how did you find room for yourself in the watch-
house ?" said we.
" 1 coiled myself up, 5 ' said John.
" What age are you," said we.
" Twenty-two, come next husking time," said John.
"Ever been in a calaboose before ?" said we.
"No, sir-r-r; it was my first time to look through the iron
bars," said John.
u What is your politics ?" said we.
" I'm touched off mighty strong with whiggery, I tell you,
stranger," said John.
" Why are you not a locofoco ?" said we.
" I couldn't no how," said John " 1 live too near the old
coon (Harrison) for that."
" Indiana is a fine country to live in, no doubt," said we
" plenty of corn, bread, whiskey and all that."
" Yes, sir-r-r," said John " it's an extensive country ;
plenty of corn, bread, pork and all that, as you say, and
whiskey out of the ashes"
What this last phrase meant, we could not divine, and we
candidly confessed our ignorance to John, who seemed to
pity us for our limited comprehension, but told us it meant
"lots," "plenty." The dialogue broke off here. We need
not say that John was honourably discharged.
A NEGATIVE BEAUTY. 191
A NEGATIVE BEAUTY.
IN the countenance of Catharine Gafney many of the es
sentials to beauty exist, but they are not arranged or regulated
well. But for a slight misplacing of these essentials, Catharine
would be a charming creature, and indeed as it is, we can only
say that her style of countenance differs from our beau ideal,
though to others she may still be all fascination. We were
early prejudiced in favour of red lips, and consequently we
cannot easily reconcile ourselves to seeing the ruby of beauty
transferred from the lips to the nose. Neither can we easily
surrender our preference for a full row of pearly teeth, instead
of a cavern of stumps
" Like broken bottles on an old dead wall."
We like blue eyes and black eyes, but we have a foolish an
tipathy to eyes that are black and blue. Hair is undoubtedly
an ornament to man and woman, yet, as there may sometimes
be too much of it, so there may sometimes be too little. Cath
arine has just thirty-seven hairs, and as she scorns to wear a
wig, this fact is fully apparent. Of these thirty-seven hairs,
Catharine at any rate boasts a pleasant variety in the way of
colour, ten of them being gray, ten brown, ten red. and seven
yellow. Catharine's eyes are red, caused, probably, by her
looking crosswise continually at her ripe red nose. Qitha-
rine's lips are blue, her cheeks yellow, her forehead and neck
brown, and with admirable taste her dress is composed of an
assortment of these same colours blue, brown, black, red, gray,
saffron, every colour but white is mingled in Catharine's dress ;
and with commendable independence of mind she has, in spite
of the tyranny of fashion, abandoned the health-destroying
corset, so that her motley coloured gown
" Floats as wild as summer breezes,
Leaving every beauty free
To sink or swell as heaven pit
Catharine stood yesterday in the Recorder's court not like
a Madonna, nor a Muse, nor like Madame Lecomte, nor like
Venus
" When she rose
Out of the sea, and with her life did fill
The Grecian Isles with everlasting verdure."
192 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
but like her own identical and not-to-be-counterfeited sel y
Catharine Gafney.
Recorder. " So, Mrs. Gafney, you're here again."
Catharine. " Troth, thin, I dare say I am here, since yout
honour says so. Sure it's not there ye are sittin' to be tellin'
lies."
Recorder. " What could I do for you now, Mrs. Gafney ,
to induce you to give over drinking and become a respectable
woman ?"
Catharine. " Seduce ! Is it me ? me, is it your honour
would seduce ? Troth thin, yer a broth of a boy, and I'll be
yer bonny Kate, and "
Recorder. "Silence, woman ! You are wilfully perverse."
Catharine. "Divil a bit of it, I'm Catharine Gafney."
Recorder. " Lock her up."
Catharine. " What, on a ' Patrick's day in the morning !' "
Recorder. " Take her away."
Catharine commenced blubbering; in the middle of her tears
breaking out into a plaintive song, and stretching her arms
imploringly towards the magistrate, she breathed forth, in soul-
touching pathos,
" Though Heave thee now in sorrow ;"
the exquiste words receiving new beauty from the melodious
brogue of Catharine. She continued,
" We will meet again to-rnorrow."
" No we wont," said the magistrate. " Officer, lock her up
for thirty days. We'll keep her sober for a month, at any rate."
Poor Kate was led away to durance.
A PUBLIC PATRIOT.
OR, AN ACUTE ALLEGHANIAN.
THOMAS JEFFERSON WASHINGTON JONES vras yesterday
brought before the Recorder, on the charge of gathering a crowd
and creating a disturbance the evening previous, at the corner
of St. Charles and Gravier streets.
Mr. Thomas Jefferson Washington Tones is a gentleman of
a full habit but scanty wardrobe plus of patriotism, but minus
of means.
A PUBLIC PATRIOT. 193
u In what manner did the prisoner gather a crowd ?" said
the Recorder, "or how create a disturbance ?"
" Why, he was a-cuttin' up all kinds of didoes," said the
watchman " a-talkin' about Annexation and Oregon, and all
that, and cussin' the 'Istorical Society, I thinks he called it."
u I protest against any charge made by that individual being
recorded against me," said the prisoner; "he has neither ca
pacity to understand my position, nor patriotism to appreciate
it."
" He is a municipal officer," said the Recorder, " and I am
bound to receive his statement."
" Then if such be one of the streams through which justice
flows," replied the prisoner " if he be one of the conduits
through which law is administered, justice necessarily needs
filtering law requires a less impure course. If it please you,
however, let him proceed, and Heaven help the Republic, I
say !" This appeal he accompanied by a reverential twist of
his eyes upwards.
The Recorder told the watchman to go on and state the cir
cumstances under which he arrested the prisoner.
He stated the same in substance as was written in the charge.
The prisoner was haranguing a crowd about Texas, Oregon
and Alleghania, and he knew not what. He told him to go
on, but instead of complying, he abused him and went on with
his speech.
" Fool !" exclaimed the prisoner, " what else should I do
but abuse you ? Praise of you would be censure in disguise ,
besides "
" I shall not allow you, Mr. what's-your-name," replied
the Recorder, " to use such language to the watchman in my
presence. If you have any thing to say in your defence, I
shall hear it ; preserve your vituperation for another place
your invective for a more fitting opportunity."
"I thank you, most worthy judge," said the prisoner, "for
the advice, and shall be guided by it : and now for my defence.
But first of my name, which you seem to have forgotten, but
which I thought was graven on the door-plate that opened
the door I mean, your honour, not the plate to the inner
chamber of every American heart. Who, sir what American
can forget a name linked by association of ideas, at least
with the sage of Monticello and the hero of Mount Vernon ;
for both of whom History has erected her monuments more
solid than marble, and more enduring than brass! Now "
70
194 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
u This is all very well, Mr. Thomas Jefferson Washington
Jones, I now remember your name," interrupted the Re
corder ; " but what has it to do with the watchman's charge ?"
" I was about to come to that, sir," said the prisoner, " but
thought it necessary before doing so, to say so much in vindi
cation of the honoured names I bear. And now, sir, for the
charge. I was creating no disturbance ; and if a crowd did
gather round me, it was done of their own volition ; if they
did wrong, I cannot perceive by what rule of law or ethics I
am to be visited with punishment for their transgressions. I
was speaking somewhat loudly, it is true, but J am yet to learn
that there is any Municipal ordinance instituting a voice-ometer,
and making it penal to pitch the voice above a given standard.
I was speaking, sir, of the wisdom and the policy of Annexa
tion, and our right our imprescriptible right to Oregon; and
he whom these subjects would not arouse and cause to speak
loud at the present crisis, would suffer a man to take his julep
from before him and drink it without remonstrance, nor would
he cry 'stop thief!' if a fellow ran away with his last shirt. I
touched too, sir, on the attempt made by a club of pedantic
litterateurs to change desecrate, I call it the name of my
beloved country, and is it to be wondered at that I felt indig
nant and spoke loudly ? Take the name of the United States
away, sir, and will not after ages be puzzled to know the land
of my illustrious namesakes ? and then, to propose giving it
such a name Alle Alleghania ! why it's a name fit only for
a country inhabited by Turks ! I would not, so help me "
" That will do," said the Recorder. " I perceive, that al
though you did err, your motives render the act excusable.
You may go, but in future find some more appropriate place
for your lectures on Oregon, Annexation and Alleghania, than
the sidewalk ; for however much, in such a place, you impel
the march of mind, you retard considerably the movement of
the body."
Thomas Jefferson Washington Jones, regarding the watch
man as mere human animalculae, left the court impressed with
the belief that his release was a decided triumph of mind over
matter.
ANIMAL MAGNETISM 195
ANIMAL MAGNETISM;
OR, THE ATTRACTIVE VENISON.
A FELLOW was yesterday brought before the Recorder, for
stealing off a hook in the lower market a quarter of venison.
It was a dark, semi-decomposed looking joint. A calendar
month, at least, must have elapsed since the deer to which it
belonged, and part of which it was, trod the forest ; yet, strange
to say, it bore within itself evidences innumerable of life and
animation. Bating that it was not dressed, it was in that state
which epicures call "just right" for eating. The fellow charged
with stealing it seemed as lean and hungry as if he had gradua
ted at Dotheboys' Hall Academy, and appeared as if he could
help himself to a plentiful cut of the venison, without being
ceremonious about the length of time it had been killed, or
the manner in which it had been cooked.
The butcher looked meat axes and chopping blocks at the
Recorder, and the Recorder looked penitentiaries at the prisoner,
and the prisoner looked, like Pharaoh's lean kine, a warning
of future famine to every body.
" How did he take it ?" asked the Recorder, requiring of the
butcher a distinct statement of the modus operandi by which
the prisoner possessed himself of the quarter of venison.
" Why, he hooked it off the hook, your honour," said the
knight of the steel. " O, he's a knowin' 'un, he is, I tell you.
I'm blessed if he did'nt vatch me for a quarter of an hour, just
as if he vas a custom-house officer, and as if I had the carcase
of the dead cow before me stuffed wit Havaner cigars ; till, at
last, ven he sees me cuttin' a sirloin steak for jjlrs. Timkins,
the vidder lady vot keeps the ecornomical bordin' 'ouse and
takes payment in adwance, and "
" O, no matter about the manner in which Mrs. Timkins
conducts her boarding house," said the Recorder. " How did
he take the venison ?"
" Veil, just as I was engaged vith Mrs. Timkins," said the
oulcher, " he vheels round the pillar, like the feller in the
play that's goin' to assassirnate the two hinnocent babes in the
vood, ven he pokes himself behind a tree, and off he vhips the
wenison. I follored him, but he looked so wery woracious
196 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
that Pm blessed if I didn't think he'd dewour it, rawr and all
as it vas, before I came up to him."
The Recorder shook his head, as if shocked at the palpable
guilt of the prisoner. The idea of a starving man stealing a
piece of steak was not to be tolerated. " All such outrageous
cases should be met," he said, " with the most exemplary
punishment, or there was an end to all law, and no protection
under the constitution." He was about to consign the prisoner
to jail, when a young lawyer with a large nose and who,
having a large nose, fancied himself very like Lord Brougham
stepped up and begged the permission of the court to say a
few words in behalf of the unfortunate prisoner. It having
been granted him, the modern Brougham placed an antiquated-
looking volume of "Russell on Crimes," which he had under
his arm, on the table. He then unbuttoned and threw back
the breasts of a seedy black coat, ran the fingers of his right
hand through his hair, coughed short and commenced :
" May it please the court : I would say without meaning a
pun Lord Brougham never made puns that the work of this
morning seems likely to prove deer (dear,) in more respects
than one, to the starving individual whom I now see before
me. I fully agree with this honourable court in its abhorrence
of small vices : they are the acorns of evil, of which the large
and wholesale acts of swindling are the grown oaks. If a more
rigid execution of our laws had been adopted heretofore if
the practice had prevailed of meting out severe and rigid punish
ment to the vulgar for their petty peccadilloes, we would not
now, as my friend Lord Brougham remarks in his Essay on
the Spread of Demoralization, find it fashionable and aristo
cratic to cheat and swindle in sums of thousands ! By the
way, I would here inform the court that my friends are flatter
ing enough to say that I resemble his lordship "
Here he attempted to put the nerves of his nose in motion,
so as to stir tnat organ after the manner of the ex-chancellor.
"What has all this to do with the charge of stealing the
vension ?" said the Recorder.
" A great deal, sir : it is my way it was Lord Brougham's
way of treating all his cases I give scope weight, sir, to my
arguments. Your honour knows the French proverb Les
grands hommes ne se bornent jamals dans leurs desseins
4 Great men never limit themselves in their plans.' "
" Well," said the Recorder, " I feel bound to put a limit to
your plan of defence, or I fear it would be interminable. Have
ANIMAL MAGNETISM. 197
you any argument based on law, to offer for the act of larceny
charged against the prisoner ?"
" Certainly I have," said the counsel: " what 1 have said was
no more than my opening; Lord Brougham always made an
extensive opening before he entered on the merits." Here he
lookup "Russell on Crimes," and thumbed several of the leaves
over in quick succession ; but, at last, throwing it down, he
said u Oh, your honour, the whole case lies within a nutshell.
It is not .to be found in the books, because none of our legal
authorities have yet incorporated the influence of the science
into their works. It's all all animal magnetism all science,
sir!"
" Why," said the Recorder, " what can animal magnetism
have to do with stealing a quarter of venison ?"
" Every thing every thing, sir. It is the quo animo the
ratio justified the head and front of the offence. Lord
Brougham, sir, used precisely the same argument in the cele
brated Queen Caroline case."
" But, sir," said the Recorder, " I say again, what "
" I crave but one moment from the court," interrupted the
counsel. " I say it's all animal magnetism, and I prove it thus :
My client is passing through the market ; he sees the quar
ter of venison hanging there ; the worms of hunger are gnawing
at his stomach ; thousands of aniamalculae, visible to the naked
eye, are feasting to repletion in and upon the quarter of venison ;
from the latter to the former the magnetic fluid is instantly and
invisibly conveyed, and and then and then let me ask the
court, what's the necessary nay, the inevitable consequence,
as my friend Lord Brougham would say ? Why, sir, it is this
that my client, obeying the instinct of nature and the all-per
vading rules of animal magnetism, goes and puts himself in com
munication with the quarter of venison at once right off, sir !"
" Yes," said the Recorder ; " and for that I shall send him
to the Criminal Court."
Lord Brougham buttoned up his coat to the neck, drew on
a pair of black kid gloves, having between them three torn
fingers and one whole thumb, slapped his hat professionally on
his head, and left the court uttering anthemas against the
judicial incapacity of recorders and the ignorance of the age,
in not fully appreciating the power and influence of animal
magnetism over a hungry man, when a quarter of venison
hanors in the market before him!
198 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
A TAR IN TROUBLE.
WHILE in the office of Recorder Genois yesterday, a police
officer, big with brief authority, entered, leading in a " Son of
Neptune," who looked as dispirited as if he had been cast
among the unfriendly savages of the Friendly Islands.
The police officer said something sotto voce to the Recorder
a rather pretty young woman, with dimpled cheeks, who
sat within the railings, made a pantomimic motion to an old
woman with wrinkled cheeks who was by her side the sailor
looked imploringly at Dimpled cheeks, gave a hitch with his
sinister hand to his pantaloons, and expectorated a portion of
the juice of the tobacco quid from his mouth. Poor fellow !
he seemed to say, " Here I am like a bark driven on the
breakers, without compass or chart; I hung out my flag of
distress, but instead of that trim and well-beloved craft (dim
pled cheeks) coming to my assistance, she sent that there
piratical-looking cruiser (the police officer) to haul me into
harbour."
" John Connor ?" said the Recorder.
"Aye, aye, your honour," said John, advancing up to the
desk of that functionary in a rocking, walk-the-deck kind of
gait. John at that moment appeared every inch a sailor. His
trousers were blue, and of capacious width at the extremities ;
his jacket was of a like colour, and cloth, and was plentifully
supplied with pearl studs ; his black silk handkerchief was
loosely tied in a swivel knot, and the collar of his check shirt
was spread out over his shoulders.
" Connor," said the Recorder, " this woman here, Ann Hays,
says you have been to her house, and threatened to commit
murder. What have you to say to the charge ?"
" Why, Lord love your honour," sajd Connor, again ejecting
i* 4i,a;iti!y of iubaccv, juice, and twirling his little glazed hat
round on his thumb ; " why, Lord love your honour, Ann is
the little ' painter' that I got hitched on to my bows in Boston
four years ago. Murder her ! I'd as soon a stove in the bul
warks of my own existence."
Ann Hays. u Well, your honour, I'm afraid of my life of
him."
A TAR IN TROUBLE. 199
" Ah, Nancy ! Nancy !" said John, drawing the cuff of his
jacket across his right eye, and wiping away a tear that stood
in its corner " Ah, Nancy ! I have encountered many a breeze
since T left you four years ago in Boston, but this blow does
more injury to the rigging of my heart than all I have yet had
to contend with; to be let into shoal water by the false
lights of an enemy is bad, but to be deserted and disowned
by a craft that one took in convoy with him for life, is a
little too much for the timbers of my constitution: it is,
Nancy !"
Recorder. "This language is altogether too figurative
too technical for me. Can't you speak, Connor, in a manner
in which I can better understand you. ?"
Connor. " Certainly, your honour. Then, keeping right
ahead, without making a tack either to windward or leeward,
I will read over the log-book of my life, as I have it in my
memory, since first I hailed Nance. As 1 said before, your
honour, we got braced in Boston about four years ago. A
chaplain, I forget his name, but here's his certificate," pro
ducing the certificate of their marriage "made it all taut, and
I felt as happy as if I was sailing before a three months' trade
wind. I unfortunately got on a spree and put to sea first in
the U.S. ship Ohio, and then in the frigate Columbia. During
my cruise I never forgot my Nance, and many a time in the
silent watches of the night used 1 to look aloft, and fancy I
could see her pretty dimpled cheeks and bright eyes smiling
on me among the stars ; and often did I fancy, as the wind
sung through the rigging, that I heard her sweet voice say,
4 Pm true to you still true as the compass to its point, Jack
Connor.'"
" But it hasn't been so, your honour ; for when I came home
with my pay in my pocket, to throw into her apron, I found
she had hauled in her anchor and put to see with a lubber,
who knows nothing about any thing except boiling duff' and
making lobscouse. Oh, sir, it has shivered the timbers of
Jack Connor, and never, never more does he expect to see
his sails filled with the winds of domestic content."
Here Jack applied the cuff of his blue jacket to his eyes
again, and "mopped up," as it were, the tears, as they sprung
out one after another.
Nancy then undertook to tell her story in her own way ;
from all of which we learned that they had been married in
Boston, as Jack said ; Jack ran off to sea, and she ran off to
200 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
New Orleans with a French cuisinier, under whose " protec
tion" she now is and wishes to remain.
Jack remains in the calaboose till he " ships" or finds some
one to go security that he will keep the peace. The moral
atmosphere that surrounds him at the present time looks de
cidedly squally.
A MISTAKE:
OR, THE BROKEN PLEDGE AND THE FAT GIRL 5 S PORTRAIT.
OPPOSITE the St. Charles Hotel there stands at the present
writing, or did stand on Friday night, a painting of the fat girl
in a blue frock, white apron, and pantaletts. As an artistical
production it is nothing to brag of. It can never be mistaken
as an emanation from the pencil of a Raphael or an Angelo,
still it is a likeness of a human being, the softest of the softer
sex ; in fact the colouring for flesh and blood is laid on thick,
and by a man high, or up a tree, it might be mistaken for a
breathing being. We are told that there be those who,
" See Helen's beauty in a brow of Egypt,"
and of like perverted vision is Michael Grace a most grace
less fellow is Mike for he thought, on Friday night, that the
picture of the fat girl was the fat girl herself that the coun
terfeit presentment was the original.
" Ah, thin, you're welcome down stairs, darlin'," says Mike,
addressing the painting (the fat girl, be it remembered, is ex
hibited in a room over where the portrait hung.) You're wel
come down stairs, a-lanna. O, blud-in-ages but it's yoursel 1
is the fine armful ; but what signifies what you are now to
what you'll be when you are twenty. Why be jakes you'd
make a wife for a man that 'ud be as big as Finn McCoul."
(Here the canvass was agitated by the wind.) Oh don't go
off in a huflf, a cushla," said Mike; "d 1 a word I sed of
you but what's thrue, for as the ould song ses :
' Was I Paris, whose deeds were various,
Or if, like Homer, I could indite,
I'd sound your praise and your fame I'd raise,
I'd thrate your frinds and your foes I'd fight."
Mike sung this in a key so loud that it attracted the ear of
' Oh, sir, it has shivered the timbers of Jack Connor, and never, never more does
he expect to see his sails filled with the winds of domestic content." Page 199
HOW TO MAKE A RAISE. 201
the watchman who has as great an aversion to street minstrels
at night as a toper has to water straight. He hurried to where
Mike was holding forth, and in a manner as summarily as the
revolutionary mobs of Paris hurried off their victims to the
guillotine, forced him along to the watchhouse.
" Aisy Misther," said Mike.
" Off with you, you vagrant," said the watchman. If you
e poet laureat to the fat girl, I'll let you see that I'm watch
man Ian-writ to the Recorder."
" Why you contankerous ould thief," said Mike, " can't you
let me bid the craythur good night and tell her to take care
she don't ketch could ?"
" O, look here, old feller," said the watchman, you are la
bouring under a hoptical illusion, that was'nt nothin' but the
picture o' the fat girl you was a singin' to and a precious
ugly picture it is."
u O, d 1 fry me," says Mike, " if I could have belther
luck all this comes from breaking the pledge."
When he arrived at the watchhouse he was searched a
temperance medal and three picayunes were found in his
pocket. Yesterday morning he acknowledged to the Recorder
he was so drunk the night before he could not see a hole
through a ladder he renewed his broken temperance pledge
and was discharged.
HOW TO MAKE A RAISE. . >
MOSES A. TRASH was yesterday inducted to a seat in the
prisoner's box by one of the police officers. Moses looked
like a man against whom misfortune had been blowing a hard
wind all his life time ; his flag of distress seemed never to
have been taken in. He was indeed a ragocrat legitimately
and of right. " The vorld," said Moses, as he wended his
way up Magazine street about twelve o'clock on Wednesday
night, "the vorld is a vicious vicked vorld and haint got no
sympathy for no one. If a feller vishes to rise in an honest
vay, the ladder is pulled from under his feet 'fore he gets up
two steps, and down he comes. If he tries to go ahead on
vot's called equitable principles, he runs off the track in a
short time, I tell you. I've rewolved the thing over in my
mind ; I looked at it every vhich vay and find it aim to bV
202 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
done but by gammon gammon is a far better article than
anthracite coal for firing up and keeping on steam if you vant
to keep on the railroad of fortune. I have a scheme now in
my mind a 'grand scheme' and if that don't succeed I'll
report myself at vonce unfit for service but it will, it must,
] know it must; and other fellers vill have a chance of making
a fortune right off as veil as I vill."
cc I say, mister, vot do you mean by placing your thumb on
your nose and vorking your fingers ?" asked Moses of some
imaginary, or at least imperceptible person. "Don't you
think it's true ; veil I'm blowed if you don't see it in the
papers. Yes, I'll adwertise some real estate vhich, if I don't
own I should own ; and the 4 fortunate holders' shall be told
of all kinds of prizes. Tickets vill be sold off cheap and it
vill be a c rare chance' for making an inwestment. Vhat's
that you say ? (speaking again to the invisible gentleman,)
I don't own no real estate ? Vot of it ; aint a veil painted
map prettier any day than real estate ; can't I have theatres
and hotels and all that sort of things drawn out on a piece of
parchment and made to look jest as nat'ral as life ; and if I
can raise the vind to pay the artist, vont it be all right, because
then it vill be vot I calls unincumlered property. That's the
only vay as I knows on of making a fortin. It's vonderful how
men suffer dust to be thrown in their eyes ven a lottery is in
the case ; I attributes it myself to a constirtutional veakness in
their natur, jest like drinking juleps or any other wice ; and
I doesn't think it can be 'radicated by the state legislature
either, nor jn fact I aint anxious it should till I dispose of my
tickets for the unseen, unknown, unincumbered, grand hum
bug, imaginary, real estate, situated and lying and being, as
the lawyers say, in the extensive, flourishing, prosperous, and
favourably situated city of Smithville, which is to be the future
seat of government of all America; the starting place of the
Columbian and European steam balloon carriages, and the
depot of the Atlantic and Pacific marine railroads. There, I'd
like 10 know who vouldn't buy my lottery tickets vith such a
grand flourish as that in an adwertisement vy they'll go off
like Colt's repeating rifle ; they vill, and no mistake about it."
Feeling in an extasy of delight that he had at length found
out the pleasant art of money catching, a science of which he
had been in pursuit all his life but could never get the hang
of it he commenced cutting up as many capers as a man
ivith the poker, or a drunken Indian.
A STRIKE AMONG THE TAILORS. 203
Charley, with that anxiety which he ever evinces for the
safety and well being of the citizens, took Moses up and se
cured for him for the night in the calaboose.
The Recorder on hearing his story yesterday morning, came
to the conclusion that he followed no honest occupation for a
living, and ordered him to be sent to the calaboose for thirty
days. There he will have leisure to arrange his plans for the
drawing of his Grand Real Estate Lottery Scheme.
A STRIKE AMONG THE TAILORS.
IN Boston, New York and Philadelphia the tailors have
their strikes, and from a case which came before the Recorder
recently, it would appear that a portion at least of the
" knights of the thimble" in this city are determined not to be
behind the age. There seems to be this difference, however,
between those of the craft at the north and the two for that
was their number who were up before the Recorder; the
former struck for higher wages, the latter struck one another.
The Recorder having intimated to the clerk that he was
ready to investigate the case of the State vs. Fursey, or rather
Stackwell vs. Fursey, that official, with grave intonation and
distinct emphasis, called out the names of the parties. Fursey,
who was standing near, responded on his part to the call, and
Stackwell rose from one of the back benches and answered
the summons. They were in every thing but their calling per
fectly antipodal. Fursey's age was some where in the forties
Stackwell's in the twenties. Fursey was short and shapeless
as a bag of coffee Stackwell was tall and attenuated as a
fishing pole. Fursey's legs were bowed like a saddler's
clamps Stackwell's projected out from the knees like a dis
tended compass. Fursey had beard on his face as strong as
the bristles of a flesh brush Stackwell's was as light and
downy as the feathers of a young duck. Fursey had his hair
cropped in roundhead fashion Stackwell had his combed
over his collar a la cavalier. Fursey's nose, as if attracted by
the stars, seemed to turn up to heaven Stackwell's was of
the most approved acquiline order. But it is unnecessary to
pursue the contrast, for it was carried out in every feature and
lineament of the parties. Fursey was buttoned up in a seedy
204 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE. 1 '
black frock Stackwell sported a fashionably made snuff-
coloured dress coat.
" Well, Mr. Stackwell," said the Recorder, " you complain
that the defendant has assaulted you state how."
tf May it please the court," said Stackwell, pressing his hair
smoothly round his head with his left hand, and drawing a
white " wipe" from his coat with his right, " May it please
the court, the annoyance which I receive from this individ
ual [pointing to Fursey] personally and professionally, is
too much for any gentleman to put up with in silence. I have
therefore brought him before your honour, that measures may
be taken to prevent a recurrence of such treatment."
" Gammon !" said Fursey, casting a disdainful glance at
Stackwell, and a look of reliance at the Recorder, as much as
to say, " wait till you hear my story."
" But how or why does he annoy you ?" said the Recorder.
Stackwell applied the white cambric to his forehead, and
proceeded with as much affected dignity as a young barrister
would in arguing his first brief.
" We ar.e both tailors, or rather I am, and he professes to be
one ; but he is altogether ignorant of the science and fashion
able mysteries of our art "
" More gammon !" said Fursey.
" Silence !" said a police man.
" Well, 1 aint agoin' to let my karacter be cabbaged away
right before my face by that ere locomotive scissors, no how
you can fix it," said Fursey.
Stackwell proceeded : " We unfortunately live in the same
street are near neighbours ; I cut, exclusively, on geomet
rical principles "
"Yes," said Fursey, interrupting him, "and, Needle-nose,
you cut and run away with the rent from the last house you
were in, in Royal street. You call that cutting on geometry
principles do you ?"
The Recorder told Fursey he should confine him for con
tempt of court, unless he kept silent. He bade the complain
ant proceed.
" To be brief, your honour, said Stackwell to press off the
suit, if I may use the expression he sees the patronage with
which I am honoured, and he envies me for it; he knows the
style of work I make up work unequalled in point of style
and elegance of finish, in London or Paris itself ; and knowing
he cannot approach it, he feels jealous professionally jeal-
THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT. 205
ous he takes every method of annoying me. No later than
this morning I found this disgraceful libel pasted upon my
door, and I have the best authority for saying it was done by
this individual.' 1 Here he exhibited a pen and ink caricature
of himself represented with a head of cabbage under each arm,
underneath which was written,
"STACKWELL,
Green Grocer, and Dealer in CABBAGE."
He closed his complaint by saying he merely wanted Fursey
bound over to keep the peace, and prevented from in any way
annoying him.
" I never says nothing to him, your honour," said Fursey.
"He aint no regular tailor at all, he can cut up airs much
better than he can cut up a piece of cloth ; he's an innovater
on the old chalk system, and knows precious little about the
new one. My thimble, and it hain't got no bottom, would
hold all the sense he's got; they calls him the dandy tailor,
and the cracked tailor but I b'lieve he's not only cracked,
but broke right into smash, he aint got but two negro journey
men now "
The Recorder said he had heard enough to understand the
merits of the case. He told Fursey he should bind him not
to offer personal violence to Stackwell, and advised them both
to act in a spirit of mutual forbearance towards each other.
THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT.
THERE he is !"
"Where?"
" Why, there ; that feller with the shocking bad hat, next
to him what's got the long beard and a nose so red that its
reflection would blow up a powder magazine !"
" What, he there what's got the plug of tobacco in his
cheek that raises it out and makes it look like an Indian
mound on a prairie ?"
"Yes."
" That ain't he, be it ?"
" Yes, but it is ; haint the watchman taken down bis name,
and haint he acknowledged it himself."
" He haint got no sword though."
w No, but he had a thunderin' long knife."
208 PICKINGS FROM THE "PICAYUNE."
This dialogue caught our ear as we entered the police office
yesterday ; it was carried on between two persons who ap
peared to be police officers, and who seemed to think that
great honours awaited the watch department for the arrest of
the incognito prisoner. Several other persons in court were
pointing to him too; we could hear some of them speak of
$5000 reward." Indeed he seemed to be the " observed of
11 observers," and from the attention which he attracted we
t once concluded that there was some more serious charge
against him than "found drunk." Circumstances soon en
lightened us.
" Thomas W. Dorr ?" said the Recorder.
"Thomas W. Dorr!" involuntarily exclaimed we, adding
the drop of our surprise to the sea of astonishment that already
filled the court.
" Thomas W. Dorr ?" said the Recorder a second time, and
as he did the man who seemed such a practical advocate for
the home consumption of tobacco, stood up in the dock.
Expectorating a large quantity of the concentrated extract of
the article on the floor, he replied in an indolent, loaferish
tone, u that aint my name, your honour."
" What," said the Recorder, " are you not Thomas Dorr ?"
" Yes, I is."
" Thomas W. -Dorr ?"
"No, your honour; the watchman said I was Hue, but I
doesn't think I was so far gone. I could distinguish him
werry well from a gentleman."
"Yes, your honour," said the watchman, "and he said as
how he was the sure-enough 'Governor Dorr.'"
"Why, Charley," said the prisoner, " you're coming the
large licks now, sure. When you asked me if I wasn't Gov.
Dorr I could scarcely keep from larfin right out, and I said I
was, cause they used to call me Governor when I owned a
broad-horn. But I ask the Squire himself if I look like a real
live Governor? besides, I hadn't no sword like Governor
Dorr, nor I didn't run away."
These, the Recorder now began to think, were pretty strong
proofs that the prisoner was not the great proclaimed, as the
watchman had erroneously concluded that in fact he was a
poor loafer who bore the name of Tom Dorr without any W.
to it. and that the watchman drew his conclusions from prem
ises not based on facts.
The prisoner was dismissed ; the watchman was dissatisfied
RIVAL SUITORS. 207
at the expose of his blunders, and nothing was left him of the
$5000 reward but its visions. The audience now began to
laugh at the watchman and the Dorr denouement. Several of
them said they knew very well the prisoner was not the Rhode
Island hero nor no more like him than a mud turtle is like
the white horse of the prairies !
RIVAL SUITORS.
" Beware of jealousy."
BRIDGET MORAN is a nice young 'ooman, as Mr. Weller,
junior, would say. She coolis a nice dinner daily, wears a
nice gown and goes to church on Sunday; she lives in the
basement story of a nice house in Canal street, is admired by
more than one nice young man, and is occasionally visited by
a few friends, who form a nice but small tea party. Martin
Donahoe is an advocate of internal improvement, and unlike
many advocates of many other systems, Martin practices what
he preaches ; he is a pavier, and with a philanthropy truly
commendable, is ever improving the public ways, though often
unmindful of the error of his own ways. Bridget has been
seen more than once in conversation with Martin, as he pound
ed his paving stones, and Martin more than once has dropt
into the kitchen in Canal street of an evening to take tea with
Bridget. Martin believes that
" The heart that once truly loves never forgets,
But truly loves on to the close."
And his affections therefore clung tp Bridget like moss to a
pine tree. Bridget, on the contrary, thinks a little flirtation
allowable, and Martin, unfortunately for his own peace of mind,
has found out that others than he shares the hospitality of the
kitchen in Canal street, over which, or in which, Bridget rules
Fupreme.
On Wednesday evening Martin had his face operated on
by the barber ; he donned his blue cloth coat, put himself in
courting order, and without previously giving intimation of
his design, he popped into the kitchen in Canal street; but,
mirabih visu ! there sat Bridget at the little square tea-table
where Martin himself had so often sat with her before, and
right opposite to her an outlandish looking fellow, who seemed
208 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
to have registered a vow against ever shaving of or being ever
shaved his whole face was covered with an overgrown mou
stache.
"Good evening to you, Mr. Donahoe," said Bridget, endeav
ouring to conceal the trepidation which Martin's presence
threw her into.
Martin made no reply, but he gave a look at the man with
the long blue beard that would have shaved it off if the pro
cess of lathering had been previously performed.
"Mr. Donahoe," said Bridget, introducing Martin to the
man with the long beard.
The man with the long beard stood up, stretched his hand
to Martin and said " Ah, Senor Donwho, me vera glad to see
you, vera."
" Why, who the d 1 cares whether you are or not, you
ourang outang you ?" said Martin.
" O, behave daycent, Martin," said Bridget ; " this is a Frinch
gintleman that came on business up stairs don't offind him."
"And if he came on business up stairs," says Martin," what
brought him down stairs, the baboon ?" He a Frinch gintle
man ! he's just as much like one as a hedgehog is like an anty-
lope. Why, I'd make a fortune wid the animal if I carried
him round the counthry in a cage."
" O, you ought to respect me if you don't respect yourself,"
said Bridget.
"By gar, Senor Donwho, you be one vera offend fellow, and
not no gentleman," said blue beard.
" Shut your potato chopping machine ;" said Martin " you
haythen, you, or I'll give you a polthogue that'll knock you
into the middle of next week ; what brought a vizard faced
fellow like you here, to parley-vous with a daycent girl ; clear
out now or I'll macadamize you while you'd be sayin' pavin'
stones."
Martin made a grab at the Frenchman, and in doing so,
knocked the tea-table and its contents over. The broken china
rattled on the floor, the tea kettle poured out on the pants of
the Frenchman as it fell, and he cried fire ! fire ! Bridget
shouted Martin ! Martin ! and in a few minutes there was a
posse of watchmen in the basement story of the nice house in
Canal street.
Martin arid the man with the long beard were instantly ar
rested and taken to the calabo ; ose.
When the Recorder heard the whole story yesterday morn-
MORGAN MANLY. 209
ing, he saw with one glance of his quick eye, that the beautiful
Biddy Moran and the " green-eyed monster," were at the bot
tom of the whole affray. He merely required the parties to
enter on their own recognisances to keep the peace.
MORGAN MANLY;
THE MAN THAT NEVER SAID " NO !"
MORGAN MANLY was among those who figured before the
Recorder yesterday, and a very sorry figure poor Morgan cut.
He was, as he said himself, a unit in the numerical popula
tion of mankind, but a mere cipher in the social scale an
affirmative abstractedly, but a negative practically a machine
incapable of self-action till put in motion by others an in
strument that was mute till played on by interested parties a
sound that but echoed other men's voices. Such were some
of the attributes of Mr. Manly, as announced by himself when
the Recorder asked him what he was.
" The watchman says you were tipsy when he arrested you,
Mr. Manly," said the Recorder.
" Let it be so written," retorted Manly.
" He says, too, that you were abusive to him," continued
the Recorder.
" I have no denial to offer," answered Manly.
" And that, in coming to the watchhouse, you made an at
tempt to escape from him," added the Recorder.
" Let the presumption be in favour of the truth of the watch
man's allegation," said Manly.
u Then you admit it all," said the Recorder.
" Every word of it," said Manly.
"And have no negative testimony to offer," said the Recorder.
" Not a word," said Manly. " I have made it a principle
of my life never to deny any thing ; never to say no ! to any
thing ; and it is this peculiarity that has influenced my whole
life. JVb is a word, sir, not in my vocabulary, and I doubt if
I know its meaning. If a man asks me to take a drink, I never
say no ! If a man asks me to lend a V, and I have it, I never
say no. If a man asks me to play a game of cards, I never
say no. If I am asked to go a gunning, I never say no, what
ever may be the personal inconvenience to myself. If I am
71
210 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
asked to subscribe to a charity, I never say no, however much
I may need contributions myself. If a quack asks me to re
commend his medicines, I never say no, though it may be as
poisonous as aquafortis, for all I know to the contrary. When
asked to endorse for a friend, I never said no ; and if a travel
ling mesmeriser call on me to vouch for his clairvoyant ca
pacity, I never say no, though I were to know him to be a very
juggler. Why, sir, my own miserable unhappy marriage was
the consequence of my never saying no. It was leap year,
sir : she knew my weakness took advantage of it, popped the
question, and I said yes /"
The Recorder told Mr. Manly that he thought him altogether
too pliant-minded for the present times, when the prevailing
axiom seemed to be that every one should take care of himself.
He dismissed him, however, hoping that in future he would
not be so prodigal of his u noes," whenever he was asked or
invited to do any thing to his own or the public prejudice.
THEOPHILUS TWIST;
OR, A TAKER-OFF TAKEN OFF.
THEOPHILUS TWIST is a nice young man a very nice
young man at least so Miss Sweetwell calls him. He sports an
imperial, carries an ebony cane, wears patent polished-leather
boots, cheats his tailor, smokes cigars, sings patriotic songs at
public dinners, and sentimental ones at private parties. The-
ophilus loves he swears he loves Miss Sweetwell. Not
satisfied with singing for her, when they met at the house of
a mutual friend, on Wednesday evening
" Be mine, dear maid, this faithful heart
Shall never prove untrue,
'Twere easier far from life to part,
Than cease to live with you"
he many hours afterwards went to her window and warbled
forth
" Could deeds my heart discover,
Could valour gain thy charms,
I'd prove myself thy lover,-
Before a world in arms!"
Now be it known that the mind of Miss Sweetwell is not
altogether free from the promptings of the green-eyed monster
THEOPHILUS TWIST. 211
She thinks the love of Theophilus is divided, or rather tripli
cated ; she thinks he loves Arabella Rodwell in this she is
mistaken ; she believes he loves brandy toddies in this she
is not mistaken. Theophilus has an attachment for the ardent;
it is, he says, but an acquired one, while his passion for Miss
Sweetwell is, he swears, deep rooted in the labyrinths of his
innermost heart. The latter he calls, in his lighter moods, an
affection of the heart the former he dubs a constitutional
weakness. Theophilus, too, has his patriotic attachments. He
loves his country with a love deep as the fathomless ocean, wide
as the western prairies, and impetuous as the torrent of Niagara.
Having on Wednesday night poured out his lay to his lady
love, and having heard no tone nor received any token of recip
rocation, other than an intimation from an ebony-faced Abigail
that if he would not clear out the watch would be called, he
" turned and left the spot,
Ah, do not deem him weak"
for although he staggered as he walked, whiskey punch and
not unrequited love was the cause.
It is characteristic of great minds not to brood over blighted
hopes nor to dwell on dissolved prospects ; so Theophilus,
suddenly forgetting the faithlessness of his mistress, turned to
soliliquize on his country and its capacities :
" It's a noble country it's a great country it's an exten
sive I may say an expansive country it's a glorious coun
try," said Theophilus, emphasizing his words as he approached
the climax. " It can ' swaller' Mexico, gouge both eyes out of
Great Britain, and whip all creation ! And yet some folks say it's
in danger. Danger ! Why, I'd insure it myself for a quarter per
cent., and include Texas and Oregon in the policy; who's afraid?"
* " I doesn't know as there is any one," said the watchman.
"You doesn't look like one as 'ud strike terror into the soul
of any body, as the feller's dreams did in the play. But I say
stranger, what's the use of you mussing ?"
u Use," said Theophilus ; " what's the use of a man living
if he can't dwell with patriotic pride on the merits of his
country. To be sure, Horace Walpole once said that patriotism
was the last resort of rascals ; but I say it is the last resort of dis
carded lovers. Hurra, then, for my country, and hurra for the con
stitution that guaranties to every one the liberty of speech; hurra!"
" O, that ere's a wulgar error," said the watchman ; " the
constitution don't guarantee to men as is dumb the right of
212 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
speech, 'cause it can't do it no how it can fix it. Besides the
ordinances guaranties to every citizen, 'cept watchmen, the
right of sleep, and as the old 'oman of eighty said, when she
got married, i there's a time for every thing ;' so, if you don't
shut up, I take you off, sure."
" What ! take me off!" said Theophilus " me !" pointing
the forefinger of his right hand to his breast " who have
taken-off the most celebrated native and foreign actors our
most distinguished public speakers and most eccentric private
citizens take me off!"
u Yes, take you off," said the watchman "right off, and
right off he took him.
After having taken off so many, Theophilus was permitted to
take himself off yesterday by the Recorder, on paying his jail fees.
PATRIOTISM IN A SAD PLIGHT.
ILLUSTRATION is a pervading principle of the present times.
We have illustrated books, illustrated newspapers, illustrated
sciences and illustrated -systems. Ours may be considered
illustrated police reports; for instead of giving every name to
be found on the docket, of persons who were arrested for being
high and found ZOMJ, we select one as an illustration of the lot.
To-day we make choice of John Mason, who was yesterday
on Recorder Baldwin's roll, and who was evidently into his
liquor the night before like "a thousand of brick."
" John Mason ?" said the Recorder.
" In my more palmy days," said an individual, standing up
in the dock, who from his appearance had been engaged in a
knock-down and drag-out fight with Fortune, and had got the
worst in the rencounter " in my more palmy days, I say,
your honour, when friends, like bees with a full-blown butter
cup in June, buzzed around me ; when that fickle jade, Fortune,
scattered flowers o'er my path ; and when the still more false
and far more fickle Elizabeth Jenkins loved or said and vowed
she loved me that was a name which I never denied never
disowned ; and I shall not do it now, when even the posses
sion of a good name seems of doubtful tenure. J\fy name,
sir, is John Mason."
Recorder. u Mr. Mason, you were found lying drunk last
night. What are you ?"
Mason [Drawing himself up to his full height, and with
PATRIOTISM IN A SAD PLIGHT. 213
his right hand brushing his clotted and uncombed hair off his
forehead]. u I am a man, your honour, more sinned against
it may be than sinning. Slightly inebriated I may have
been, 'tis true ; true it is, also, that the watchman may have
been influenced by a proper sense of duty in arresting me;
but I protest against all such gratuitous solicitude for my
welfare. Your honour will recollect that Pope says
' Not always actions show the man ; we find
Who does a kindness is not therefore kind.' "
Recorder. "My object is not to criticise the 'Beauties of
Pope,' but to ascertain who Mason is, and why he got drunk."
J\tason. " Then I shall vouchsafe to your honour such in
formation on these subjects as I am myself possessed of. I, sir,
am a victim the victim of patriotism. You see that hat, sir!
[Here he held up for the examination of the Recorder, a shock
ing bad hat.] That hat, sir had once a brim and an unbro
ken crown ; was once a whole hat but that was before I became
a patriot. This coat, sir now of thread-bare grain and at
elbows broken this was, in times gone by, a coat of fashion
able cut, which would not have shamed the wearer ; this,
too, was before I became a patriot. These pants but I will
not proceed. Suffice it to say, sir, had I minded my business
better, and felt in the fate of my country less interest, J would
not be standing before you to-day. But no, I neglected my
business because I was a patriot! I made speeches which
made me enemies because I was a patriot ! I went to public
political meetings when I should have been at private prayer-
meetings because 1 was a patriot! I sung political songs, and
got politically and personally drunk because 1 was a patriot ! I
now, however, your honour, begin to discover my error; I begin
to think that Curtius was but a Sam Patch, who leaped into the
gulf, to attain notoriety for himself, not to save his country ; and
1 begin to find out that
' He that takes
Deep in his soft credulity the stamp
Design'd by loud declaimers on the part
Of liberty, ihemselves the slaves of lust,
Incurs derision for his easy faith
And lack ot knowledge.'
I begin"
The Recorder here stopped him short, and seeing that Mr.
Mason had seen the error of his ways, and was about to do
more for himself and less for his country in future, let him
off without even exacting jail fees from him.
214 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICAYUNE."
A RUM 'UN.
JOHN HOXY made his obeisance to the Recorder on Sunday
morning. He was arrested the previous night on the Levee,
but whether he was travelling towards Carrollton, the Third
Municipality, the river, or the swamp, the watchman for the
life of him could not tell. He would strike of at a tangent
here, and trace out an obtuse angle here or a parallelogram
there, as if he were supplying the place of a compass in draw
ing out geometrical figures.
Hoxy was an old looking fellow. Nature drew lines across
his forehead which the non-application of water rendered
black, so that it would be naturally concluded his brains were
expunged ; his proboscis seemed to have been stuck on his
face out of spite. There was a curl in his upper lip like a
horizontal 01 in the front of a fiddle, and his face was as
varied in colour as a dying dolphin.
" Hoxy," says the Recorder, " you were arrested last night
on the Levee, so late as twelve o'clock. Where were you
going ?"
" Well, Judge," said Hoxy, " that's a puzzler; Pm bless'd
if I knew where I was going. I'll tell you what, Squire,
hard cider may be a very good thing, but when taken to excess
it creates a mighty strange sensation, I tell you. I took a horn
or two extra of it at the log cabin frolic in the evening, and
I'm blamed if it didn't leave me in such a state as that I thought
I had discovered perpetual motion. I believed that the Mis
sissippi had broke loose and was running like fury down lo
the swamp; that the ships and steamboats at the Levee weve
navigating the clouds ; that the St. Charles Hotel had performed
a somerset and was sitting on its dome, resting itself aftur
the fatigue consequent on the exertion ; I thought the burning
of the lamps was nothing less than a general conflagration,
and that great big black troopers, encased in armour and riding
long tailed horses, were issuing from the old calaboose, and
cutting off the heads of every one who came in their way."
"How did you escape the general slaughter, Mr. Hoxy?"
asked the Recorder.
" Why bless your honour's innocent eyes," said Hoxy, " my
head was knocked off twice, but I placed it on each time by
THE AMERICAN EAGLE AND DANIEL Q'CONNELL. 215
the application of the highly concentrated syrup of sarsaparilla
and pills it was the genuine article, your honour, got at old
96, and they could'nt therefore kill this child."
" Did you take any thing but hard cider on Saturday ?" said
the Recorder.
w Nothing," said Hoxy, " except a few gin slings in the
morning, three or four toddies in the course of the day, and,
forget how many, brandies and water in the evening."
" O, 1 see how it is," says the Recorder, instead of this
general confusion which you fancied you witnessed this
legion of black emissaries and lopping off of heads, it was the
man with the poker that ministered to your mind's disease.
Take him down for thirty days," added the Recorder, " for
he is not compus mentis even yet."
When the officer went to take Hoxy down he battled as
furiously against him as Don Quixote did against the wind
mill, swearing that they wanted to make a President of the
United States of him but he would return to private life.
THE AMERICAN EAGLE AND DANIEL O'CONNELL
BRYAN MAGUIRE and Phil Mahony were yesterday charged
before the Recorder with fighting and disturbing the peace on
Monday night. Their appearance told that they belonged to
neither the peace nor temperance societies.
"Mahony and Maguire, you have been fighting,-" said the
Recorder. " Have you any thing to say to the charge ?"
Mahony looked at Maguire, and Maguire scratched his head
with his dexter hand and looked at the ground.
" I see that neither of you has any defence to make," said
the Recorder.
" O yis, yer hanour," said Bryan, Phil has ; he'll till ye
all about it, for he's got the larnin' : he brags himself of sackin'
a schoolmaster, and of bein' as far as 4 The Rule of Three in
Fractions.' Spake to him, Phil."
And acting on the hint, Phil spoke : " May it plase this
hanourable coort; meself and Bryan here was last night takin'
two juleps, as happy and as comfortable as if we'd found a
leperahaun's goold, or was in possession of a four lafed
shamrouge, and cud git what we wanted jist for askin' it.
And how cud we be otherwise ? for, as I said afore, there way
216 PICKINGS FROM THE " PICA YUMi."
our juleps afore us, wkl the ice shinin' in the tumblers like
lumps of diamonds, and the mint clusthered all over .the top
o' thim, remindin' a body of the green fields of ould Ireland.
< Now I think,' sis Bryan to me "
" I think," said the Recorder, " that I evince great patience
in listening to all this. Why do you not at once reply to the
charge ?"
"That's what I'm comin' to," said Phil: "so, as I was
sayin', sis Bryan to me, sis he, ' I b'lieve, Phil,' sis he, ' there
was a time in Ireland whin it 'ud be thrason to dhrink one of
thim julips there,' sis he. ' I suppose ye mane since Father
Mathew made thim all timperance min ?' sis I. ' No,' sis he ;
' but in '98.' ' Why in '98 ?' sis I. ' Jist bekase they're green?
sis he ; 'ye know any one that showed a prefirence in thim
days for the national colour in any way, they wor aither hung
or sint to Botany Bay. 'Don't ye know,' sis he, 'what the
ould song sis ?
" It's a poor disthrissed country
As iver yit was seen ;
They're hangi'n min and womin
For the wearin' of the green,' "
'O,I know all that,' sis I; 'yis, and it 'ud be so still only for
O'Connell
" O, Dan was the boy
That in spite of King or Queen
Pulled down the orange
And ran up the green.' "
And after singin' this verse he tuck up his tumbler and said,
4 Here's his health !' ' I'll not dhrink it,' sis I. ' Thin ye're no
Irishman,' sis he. ' As good as you are,' sis I ; ' but I'll
dhrink no man's health who sis a word aginst the Amirican
Aigle, that floats above and watches over the nist where lib
erty hatches her young.' ' O, I knew ye had the Saxon dhrop
in ye,' sis he. ' It's a lie,' sis J. ' Take that thin,' sis he.
'And that,' sis I; and to it we wint, and at it we kept till
the watchman arristed us. But we talked the thing over in
the watchhouse last night, and made it all up. Bryan sis he'd
suffer to be cursed be the priest rayther than propose O'Con-
neh s health, if he knew that he said a word against the
Amirican Aigle; so ii yer hauour lits us off t., is tun"* -e'li
naither brake the pace nor one another's head for a month of
Sundays."
The Recorder took them at their words and ordered their
immediate discharge.
THE EMU.
I x
^ H1TH ILLUSTRATIONS BY MRLEY.
Kleoani Illuminated Cover*. PuWished by
T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
MAJOR JONES'S COURTSHIP.
DRAMA IN POKERYILLE.
CHARCOAL SKETCHES. DEER STALKERS.
MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER.
MAJOR JONES'S SKETCHES OF TRAVEL.
YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.
STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE.
QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY.
SIMON SUGGS.
WESTERN SCENES, OR LIFE ON THE PRAIRIE
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS.
ADVENTURES OF COL.VANDERBOMB.
BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS.
ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MAYBERRY.
THE qUQRNDQN HOUNDS.
MY SHOOTING BOX.
MAJOR JONES'S CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE.!
STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER.
ADVENTURES OF FUDGE FUMBLE.
ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO.
PICKINGS FROM THE PICAYUNE.
MAJOR Q'RECAN'S ADVENTURES.
PETER PLODDY. FOLLOWING THE DRUM.
WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND.
SOL. SMITHS THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP.
SOL SMITH'S THEATRICAL JOURNEY WORK.
POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING.
WARWICK WOODLANDS.
LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR.
AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG.
NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK. <
PRICE 75 CENTS EACH.
/30794
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY
