UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
AT LOS ANGELES
" While he turned up his eyes as if to holla louder, the big bear give him a dig with
her paw in the seat of his pantaloons, and carried away drawers and all." Page 46.
THE BIO BEAR'S
ADVENTURES AND TRAVELS.
>3=_r=. ' ""
Wby , Captiug, we must charge you three and a quarter THIS time."-Po0e 108.
PHILADELPHIA:
T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S5B, by
T. B. PETERSON,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in in4 for th
Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
THE
BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS,
OTHER SKETCHES,
ILLUSTRATIVE OF
CHARACTERS AND INCIDENTS
SOUTH AND SOUTH-WEST.
EDITED BY
WILLIAM T.^PORTER.
WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY.
M Thia is your charge ; you shall comprehend all vagrom men."
DOGBERRY.
T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS,
306 CHESTNUT STREET.
Entered, according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1846, by
CAREY AND HART,
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District
of Pennsylvania.
COLLINS, PRINTER.
CONTENTS.
7HE BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, .... PAGE 13
.By T. B. THORPE, Esq. of Louisiana.
JONES'S FIGHT, - : - - . -82
A Story of Kentucky By an JHabamian.
THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT, ' * . . 4g
A Story of Michigan by a JWio- Yorker.
THAT BIG DOG FIGHT AT MYERS'S, - - - -54
A Story of Mississippi By a Mississippian.
HOW SIMON SUGGS " RAISED JACK," - . 62
Jl Story of OeorgiaBy an dlabamian.
SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE, - - - . -80
A Story of Illinois By a Missourian.
\)[ A TEXAN JOKER "IN A TIGHT PLACE," * - . 87
, Jl Story of that Ilk By an Editor.
BILLY WARRIOR'S COURTSHIP AND WEDDING, - - -90
A Story of the "Old JVorth State" By a County Court Lawyer.
I
^ A BULLY BOAT AND A BRAG CAPTAIN, - - - 106
I A Story of Steamboat Life on the Mississippi By SOL. SMITH.
%t
LETTER FROM BILLY PATTERSON HIMSELF, - - - 115
"Who hit Billy Patterson?"
%5 SWIM FOR A DEER, - - - -118
M A Story of Mississippi By the "Turkey Runner."
^^ CHUNKEY'S FIGHT WITH THE PANTHERS, ... 128
A thrilling- Hunting Adventure in Mississippi.
A YANKEE THAT COULDN'T TALK SPANISH, - - 140
By JOHJVA. STUART, Esq. of South Carolina.
409247
Vi CONTENTS.
"OLD SENSE," OF ARKANSAS, ... PAGE 143
By " Jf." of that Ilk.
STOKE STOUT, OF LOUISIANA, ..... 147
By Thorpe and Patterson, of the "Coneordia Intelligencer."
LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS, ... 154
By an ex-governor of a Cotton-growing State*
ANECDOTES OF THE ARKANSAS BAR, - - 159
By a Backwoods Lawyer.
HOSS ALLEN, OF MISSOURI, - - - -164
PULLING TEETH IN MISSISSIPPI, - - - -167
By Uncle Johnny.
THK WAT "LIGE" SHADDOCK "SCARED UP A JACK," 175
COUSIN SALLY DILLIAHD, ..... 178
A legal Sketch, in the "Old Jforth Suu."
PBEFACE.
A NEW vein of literature, as original as it is inex
haustible in its source, has been opened in this country
within a very few years, with the most marked success.
Up to the period when the publication of the first Ame
rican " Sporting Magazine" was commenced at Bal
timore, in 1829 and which was immediately followed
by the publication, in New York, of the " Spirit of the
Times" there existed no such class of writers as have,
since that recent day, conferred signal honour on the
rising literature of America. The New York " Con
stellation," then edited by that favoured disciple of Mo-
mus, the late Dr. Green, was the only journal in the
country which preferred any claim to popular favour on
the ground of being expressly devoted to wit and hu
mor to the fun and frolic, the flash and fashion of the
day. But the novel design and scope of the " Spirit of
the Times" soon fixed attention ; and ere long it be
came the nucleus of a new order of literary talent. In
addition to correspondents who described with equal
felicity and power the stirring incidents of the chase
and the turf, it enlisted another and still more numer
ous class, who furnished most valuable and interesting
reminiscences of the pioneers of the far West sketches
of thrilling scenes and adventures in that then compara
7
Till PREFACE.
lively unknown region, and the extraordinary charac
ters occasionally met with their strange language and
habitudes, and the peculiar and sometimes fearful cha
racteristics of the " squatters" and early settlers. Many
of these descriptions were wrought up in a masterly
style ; and in the course of a few years a generous feel
ing of emulation sprung up in the south and south-west,
prompted by the same impulses, until at length the cor
respondents of the " Spirit of the Times" comprised a
large majority of those who have subsequently distin
guished themselves in this novel and original walk of
literature.
COOPER and PAULDING were the first to excite the
imagination of the world by their inimitable delinea
tions of the back-woodsmen, trappers, and boatmen of
the West. But the characters and scenes which they
depicted with such marvellous fidelity and effect, be
longed to an earlier period before the genius of Ful
ton had covered the mighty rivers of the new world in
the West with a substitute for the " broad horns" and
flat boats, which took the place of the frail canoes of
the aboriginal inhabitants of those " happy hunting
grounds." The back-woodsmen and the boatmen of
the era of" The Prarie," and " Westward Ho !" having
given way to a new generation, perhaps quite as inter
esting and novel in their characteristics, have been, in
urn, succeeded by that hardy and indomitable race,
rvhose sons and daughters are now enjoying a green
old age, surrounded by the evidences of the highest
civilization, and in the enjoyment of all those social,
moral, and intellectual blessings engendered by an en-
PREFACE. IX
lightened public mind, a populous region, and generally
diffused wealth and prosperity.
Gradually retreating before the swarm of " squat
ters" and settlers in the new states and territories of
the West, the " pioneers" of a later day have finally
established themselves in regions so distant as rather to
overlook the Pacific than the acknowledged boundaries
of the Federal Union. But they have left behind them,
on all hands, scores of original characters to be encoun
tered nowhere else under the sun. Indeed, several of
the south-western states have been so recently re
claimed from the wilderness Mississippi and Arkan
sas particularly that no one acquainted with the coun
try can be surprised at the fact. In these two states
destined each, we trust, to confer additional lustre on
the galaxy originally composed of the old thirteen
yet reside some of the most extraordinary men who
ever lived " to point a moral, or adorn a tale." With
exteriors " like the rugged Russian bear," some of them
are gifted with a great degree of good sense and know
ledge of the world ; it is not to be denied that many are
as fond of whiskey as of hunting, and that there are
desperate and utterly reckless spirits among them ; but
a large majority of those to whom we refer, are charac
terized by no more striking features than their courtesy
to the stranger, and their passion for hunting, except it
be their fondness for story-telling. Of adventures and
scenes in which these characters stand out in bold re
lief, this volume is mainly composed, relieved occasion
ally by sketches of men and things in some of the older
southern states.
X PREFACE.
Among those who have attracted, of late years, the
most attention abroad by their sketches of life and man
ners in the backwoods of America, are Col. C. F. M.
NOLAND, of Arkansas, and T. B. THORPE, the artist,
of Louisiana. We may be permitted to state, that
Col. N. is a son of the old Dominion, was educated at
West Point, was an officer m the U. S. dragoons, and
since his resignation has been a resident of Arkansas,
where his time is about equally divided between courts
of law, the land offices, and the legislature. Mr.
Thorpe, (formerly a resident of this city, where his
family still resides,) is no less distinguished as a writer
than a painter. Some seven years since about the
period when the "American Turf Register and Sport
ing Magazine" fell into our hands Mr. Thorpe en
listed in the corps of gifted correspondents who made
the " Spirit of the Times" their medium of communi
cation with the world of letters. His sketches of the
men and manners of the great valley of the Missis
sippi, over the signature of " The Author of Tom
Owen, the Bee Hunter," have been read and admired
wherever our language is spoken. Col. MASON, " Cap
tain Martin SCOTT," (of " coon" remembrance,) Gen.
GIBSON, Maj. MOORE, Gen. BROOKE, and a troop of
other gallant officers of the U. S. army, whom we are
not permitted to name, have contributed in an infinite
degree to the popularity of the " curiosities of litera
ture" so recently discovered. AUDUBON, the late TIMO
THY FLINT, ALBERT PIKE, and more recently CHARLES
F. HOFFMAN and CATLIN, to say nothing of the fanci
ful "Mary Clavers" (Mrs. KIRKLAND.) Captains
PREFACE. XI
CARLETON, HENRY, ana JOHNSTON of the U. S. A., ex-
Gov BUTLER and Mr. SIJ?LEY, the Indian agents, the
late M. C. FIELD, Mr. KENDALL, of the " Picayune,"
and several others whose identity we are not at liberty
to disclose, have all vastly magnified, by their writings,
the eager curiosity to know more of the distinguishing
traits of character of the denizens of the many com
paratively unpeopled regions of the West and South
west.
We should premise here, that several of the eminent
writers just enumerated, are not represented in this
volume, its limits not allowing " scope and verge
enough." Moreover, of those not named, many of
them would " find themselves [equally] famous" if we
dared " take the responsibility" of giving their names
to the world ; and accordingly, in collating the mate
rials of this volume, we have selected from the files of
the " Spirit of the Times" those articles deemed best
calculated to answer our purpose. Most, though not
all, of the different sketches in this volume appeared,
originally, in the columns of that journal. Many of
equal, if not superior, merit have been here omitted, on
the ground that, like dressing a salad, a small but pro
per proportion of salt and pepper is quite as requisite
as the more material ingredients of oil and mustard.
This will, we trust, be appreciated by every one who
is unwilling, incontinently, to swear " on his honour, the
mustard is naught." But should there arise those of a
different opinion, we shall take the earliest opportunity
of renewing to them Grumio's offer to the supperlesa
Katherme, of " the mustard without the beef."
Xll PREFACE.
It is proper to add, that the tales and sketches in
eluded in this volume refer to characters and scenes of
recent date to men who have not only succeeded
" Mike Fink, the Last of the Boatmen," but " Col.
Nimrod Wildfire," and originals of his stamp. They
were furnished for publication mainly by country gen
tlemen, planters, lawyers, &c. "who live at home at
ease." We are utterly precluded, by repeated injunc
tions of secresy, from giving the " name" or " local
habitation" of any one of those not designated in the
introduction to the respective sketches. Their modesty
should be esteemed, indeed, " a flambeau to their
merit." Most of them are gentlemen not only highly
educated, but endowed with a keen sense of whatever
is ludicrous or pathetic, with a quick perception of cha
racter, and a knowledge of men and the world : more
than all, they possess in an eminent degree the power
of transferring to paper the most faithful and striking
pictures with equal originality and effect. In this
respect they have no superiors on either side of the
Atlantic.
In the compilation of this little volume, the editor
has been animated by a wish to make it worthy of those
correspondents who have extended to him, in the con
duct of two publications requiring the exercise of daily
application and unceasing toil, the aid of their abler
pens. To them and to the world he delivers it " with
the spirit cf a man that has endeavoured well."
W. T. P
Office of the " Spirit of the Times"
New York, Feb. 1846
THE
BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS,
BY T. B. THORPE, ESQ. OF LOUISIANA.
A.S the author of "Tom Owen the Bee Hunter," and other tales and
sketches, Mr. THORPE has acquired a distinguished reputation on
both sides of the Atlantic. Though by profession a painter, his time
for several years past has been about equally divided between the
brush and the pen. He is now engaged in the publication of the
" Concordia Intelligencer," a journal of unusual ability, issued weekly
in the pleasant little village situated directly opposite the city of
Natchez. The New York " Spirit of the Times" was the medium
through which Mr. T. first appeared before the world of letters; and
his inimitable delineations of South-western characters, incidents,
and scenery, soon attracted attention. Now, wherever the language
is spoken, he is deemed
" Great in mouths of wisest censure."
It is understood to be his intention to publish, at an early day, a col
lection of his writings, original and selected, to be illustrated by him
self. As he is alike felicitous in the use of crayon, brush, or pen, we
anticipate a brace or two of volumes of the highest pictorial and lite
rary interest. The story annexed will give the reader an idea of his
peculiar style in hitting off the original " characters" frequently met
with in the great valley of the Mississippi.
A STEAMBOAT on the Mississippi frequently, in
making her regular trips, carries between places vary
ing from one to two thousand miles apart ; and as
these boats advertise to land passengers and freight at
" all intermediate landings," the heterogeneous charac-
13
14 THE BIG BEAK
ter of the passengers of one of these up-count/y boat3
can scarcely be imagined by one who has never seen it
with his own eyes. Starting from New Orleans in one
of these boats, you will find yourself associated with
men from every state in the Union, and from every por
tion of the globe ; and a man of observation need not
lack for amusement or instruction in such a crowd, if
he will take the trouble to read the great book of cha
racter so favourably opened before him. Here may be
seen jostling together the wealthy Southern planter, and
the pedler of tin-ware from New England the North
ern merchant, and the Southern jockey a venerable
bishop, and a desperate gambler the land speculator,
and the honest farmer professional men of all creeds
and characters Wolvereens, Suckers, Hoosiers, Buck
eyes, and Corncrackers, beside a " plentiful sprinkling"
of the half-horse and half-alligator species ot men, who
are peculiar to " old Mississippi," and who appear to
gain a livelihood simply by going up and down the river
In the pursuit of pleasure or business, I have frequently
found myself in such a crowd.
On one occasion, when in New Orleans, I had occa
sion to take a trip of a few miles up the Mississippi,
and I hurried on board the well-known " high-pressure-
and-beat-every-thing" steamboat " Invincible," just as
the last note of the last bell was sounding ; and when
the confusion and bustle that is natural to a boat's get
ting under way had subsided, I discovered that I was
associated in as heterogeneous a crowd as was ever got
together. As my trip was to be of a few hours' dura
tion only, I made no endeavours to become acquainted
OF ARKANSAS. 15
4
with my fellow passengers, most of whom would oc to
gether many days. Instead of this, I took out of my
pocket the "latest paper," and more critically than
usual examined its contents ; my fellow passengers at
the same time disposed of themselves in little groups.
While I was thus busily employed in reading, and my
companions were more busily still employed in discuss
ing such subjects as suited their humours best, we were
startled most unexpectedly by a loud Indian whoop, ut
tered in the " social hall," that part of the cabin fitted off
for a bar ; then was to be heard a loud crowing, which
would not have continued to have interested us such
sounds being quite common in that place of spirits
had not the hero of these windy accomplishments stuck
his head into the cabin and hallooed out, " Hurra for
the Big Bar of Arkansaw!" and then might be heard
a confused hum of voices, unintelligible, save in such
broken sentences as " horse," " screamer," " lightning
is slow," &c. As might have been expected, this con
tinued interruption attracted the attention of every one
in the cabin; all conversation dropped, and in the
midst of this surprise the " Big Bar" walked into the
cabin, took a chair, put his feet on the stove, and look
ing back over his shoulder, passed the general and fa
miliar salute of " Strangers, how are you ?" He then
expressed himself as much at home as if he had been
at " the Forks of Cypress," and " prehaps a little more
so." Some of the company at this familiarity looked
a little angry, and some astonished ; but in a moment
every face was wreathed in a smile. There was some
thing about the intruder that won the heart on siglu
16 THE BIG BEAR
He appeared to be a man enjoying perfect health and
contentment : his eyes were as sparkling as diamonds,
and good-natured to simplicity. Then his perfect confi
dence in himself was irresistibly droll. " Prehaps,"
said he, "gentlemen," running on without a person
speaking, "prehaps you have been to New Orleans
often ; I never made the first visit before, and I
don't intend to make another in a crow's life. I am
thrown away in that ar place, and useless, that ar a
fact. Some of the gentlemen thar called me green
well, prehaps I am, said I, but I arn't so at home; and
if I aint off my trail much, the heads of them perlite
chaps themselves wern't much the hardest ; for ac
cording to my notion, they were real know-nothings,
green as a pumpkin-vine could'nt, in farming, I'll bet,
raise a crop of turnips : and as for shooting, they'd
miss a barn if the door was swinging, and that, too,
with the best rifle in the country. And then they talked
to me 'bout hunting, and laughed at my calling the prin
cipal game in Arkansaw poker, and high-low-jack.
' Prehaps,' said I, ' you prefer chickens and rolette ;'
at this they laughed harder than ever, and asked me
if I lived in the woods, and didn't know what game
was? At this I rather think I laughed. 'Yes,' I
roared, and says, * Strangers, if you'd asked me how
we got our meat in Arkansaw, I'd a told you at once,
and given you a list of varmints that would make a car
avan, beginning with the bar, and ending off with the
cat ; that's meat though, not game.' Game, indeed,
that's what city folks call it ; and with them it means
chippen-birds and shite-pokes ; maybe such trash live
OF ARKANSAS. 17
in my diggins, but I arn't noticed them yet : a bird any
way is too trifling. I never did shoot at but one, and
I'd never forgiven myself for that, had it weighed less
than forty pounds. I wouldn't draw a rifle on any
thing less than that ; and when I meet with another
wild turkey of the same weight I will drap him."
" A wild turkey weighing forty pounds !" exclaimed
twenty voices in the cabin at once.
" Yes, strangers, and wasn't it a whopper ? You see,
the thing was so fat that it couldn't fly far ; and when
he fell out of the tree, after I shot him, on striking the
ground he bust open behind, and the way the pound
gobs of tallow rolled out of the opening was perfectly
beautiful."
" Where did all that happen ?" asked a cynical-look
ing Hoosier.
" Happen ! happened in Arkansaw : where else
could it have happened, but in the creation state, the
finishing-up country a state where the sile runs down
to the centre of the 'arth, and government gives you a
title to every inch of it? Then its airs just breathe
them, and they will make you snort like a horse. It's
a state without a fault, it is."
" Excepting mosquitoes," cried the Hoosier.
" Well, stranger, except them ; for it ar a fact that
they are rather enormous, and do push themselves in
somewhat troublesome. But, stranger, they never stick
twice in the same place ; and give them a fair chance for
a few months, and you will get as much above noticing
them as an alligator. They can't hurt my feelings, for
they lay under the skin ; and I never knew but one casa
18 THE BIG BEAR
of injury resulting from them, and that was to a Yan
kee : and they take worse to foreigners, any how, than
they do to natives. But the way they used that fellow
up ! first they punched him until he swelled up and
busted ; then he sup-per-a-ted, as the doctor called it,
until he was as raw as beef; then he took the ager,
owing to the warm weather, and finally he took a steam
boat and left the country. He was the only man that
ever took mosquitoes at heart that I know of. But
mosquitoes is natur, and I never find fault with her. If
they ar large, Arkansaw is large, her varmints ar large,
her trees ar large, her rivers ar large, and a small mos-
quitoe would be of no more use in Arkansaw than
preaching in a cane-brake."
This knock-down argument in favour of big mosqui
toes used the Hoosier up, and the logician started on a
new track, to explain how numerous bear were in his
" diggins," where he represented them to be " about
as plenty as blackberries, and a little plentifuler."
Upon the utterance of this assertion, a timid little
man near me inquired if the bear in Arkansaw ever
attacked the settlers in numbers.
" No," said our hero, warming with the subject, " no,
stranger, for you see it ain't the natur of bar to go in
droves ; but the way they squander about in pairs and
single ones is edifying. And then the way I hunt them
the old black rascals know the crack of my gun as
well as they know a pig's squealing. They grow thin
in our parts, it frightens them so, and they do take the
noise dreadfully, poor things. That gun of mine is a
erfect epidemic among bar : if not watched closely, it
OF ARKANSAS. 19
will go off as quick on a warm scent as my dog Bowie-
knife will : and then that dog whew ! why the fellow
thinks that the world is full of bar, he finds them so
easy. It's lucky he don't talk as well as think; for
with his natural modesty, if he should suddenly learn
how much he is acknowledged to be ahead of all other
dogs in the universe, he would be astonished to death
in two minutes. Strangers, that dog knows a bar's
way as well as a horse-jockey knows a woman's : he
always barks at the right time, bites at the exact place,
and whips without getting a scratch. I never could tell
whether he was made expressly to hunt bar, or whether
bar was made expressly for him to hunt : any way, I
believe they were ordained to go together as naturally
as Squire Jones says a man and woman is, when he
moralizes in marrying a couple. In fact, Jones once
said, said he, ' Marriage according to law is a civil con
tract of divine origin ; it's common to all countries as
well as Arkansaw, and people take to it as naturally as
Jim Doggett's Bowie-knife takes to bar.' "
" What season of the year do your hunts take place?"
inquired a gentlemanly foreigner, who, from some pe
culiarities of his baggage, I suspected to be an English
man, on some hunting expedition, probably at the foot
of the Rocky mountains.
" The season for bar hunting, stranger," said the man
of Arkansaw, " is generally all the year round, and the
hunts take place about as regular. I read in history
that varmints have their fat season, and their lean sea
son. That is not the case in Arkansaw, feeding as they
do upon the spontenacious productions of the sile, tney
38
20 THE BIG BEAR
have one continued fat season the year round : though
in winter things in this way is rather more greasy than
in summer, I must admit. For that reason bar with us
run in warm weather, but in winter they only waddle.
Fat, fat ! it's an enemy to speed ; it tames every thing
that has plenty of it. I have seen wild turkeys, from
its influence, as gentle as chickens. Run a bar in this
fat condition, and the way it improves the critter for
eating is amazing ; it sort of mixes the ile up with the
meat, until you can't tell t'other from which. I've done
this often. I recollect one perty morning in particular,
of putting an old he fellow on the stretch, and consider
ing the weight he carried, he run well. But the dogs
soon tired him down, and when I came up with him
wasn't he in a beautiful sweat I might say fever ; and
then to see his tongue sticking out of his mouth a feet,
and his sides sinking and opening like a bellows, and
his cheeks so fat he couldn't look cross. In this fix I
blazed at him, and pitch me naked into a briar patch
if the steam didn't come out of the bullet-hole ten foot
in a straight line. The fellow, I reckon, was made on
the high-pressure system, and the lead sort of bust his
biler."
" That column of steam was rather curious, or else
the bear must have been warm," observed the foreigner,
with a laugh.
" Stranger, as you observe, that bar was WARM, and
the blowing off of the steam show'd it, and also how
hard the varmint had been run. I have no doubt if he
had kept on two miles farther his insides would have
been stewed ; and I expect to meet with a varmint yet of
OF ARKANSAS. 21
extra bottom, who will run himself into a skinfull of
bar's grease: it is possible; much onlikelier things have
happened."
" Whereabouts are these bears so abundant ?" in
quired the foreigner, with increasing interest.
" Why, stranger, they inhabit the neighbourhood of
my settlement, one of the prettiest places on old Mis
sissippi a perfect location, and no mistake ; a place
that had some defects until the river made the 'cut-off'
at ' Shirt-tail bend,' and that remedied the evil, as it
brought my cabin on the edge of the river a great ad
vantage in wet weather, I assure you, as you can now
roll a barrel of whiskey into my yard in high water from
a boat, as easy as falling off a log. It's a great im
provement, as toting it by land in a jug, as I used to do,
evaporated it too fast, and it became expensive. Just
stop with me, stranger, a month or two, or a year if you
like, and you will appreciate my place. I can give you
plenty to eat ; for beside hog and hominy, you can have
bar-ham, and bar-sausages, and a mattrass of bar-skins
to sleep on, and a wildcat-skin, pulled off hull, stuffed
with corn-shucks, for a pillow. That bed would put
you to sleep if you had the rheumatics in every .joint in
your body. I call that ar bed a quietus. Then look at
my land the government ain't got another such a piece
to dispose of. Such timber, and such bottom land,
why you can't preserve any thing natural you plant in
it unless you pick it young, things thar will grow ou*
of shape so quick. I once planted in those diggins a
few potatoes and beets : they took a fine start, and aftei
that an ox team couldn't have kept them from growing.
22 THE BIG BEAR
About that time I went off to old Kentuck on bisiness,
and did not hear from them things in three months,
when I accidentally stumbled on a fellow who had stop
ped at my place, with an idea of buying me out. ' How
did you like things ?' said I. ' Pretty well,' said he ; ' the
cabin is convenient, and the timber land is good ; but
that bottom land ain't worth the first red cent.' ' Why?'
said I. ''Cause,' said he. ''Cause what?' said I.
' 'Cause it's full of cedar stumps and Indian mounds,'
said he, ' and it can't be cleared.' ' Lord,' said I, ' them
ar "cedar stumps" is beets, and them ar "Indian
mounds" ar tater hills.' As I expected, the crop was
overgrown and useless : the sile is too rich, and plant
ing in Arkansaw is dangerous. I had a good-sized sow
killed in that same bottom land. The old thief stole an
ear of corn, and took it down where she slept at night
to eat. Well, she left a grain or two on the ground,
and lay down on them : before morning the corn shot
up, and the percussion killed her dead. I don't plant
any more : natur intended Arkansaw for a hunting
ground, and I go according to natur."
The questioner who thus elicited the description of
our hero's settlement, seemed to be perfectly satisfied,
and said no more; but the "Big Bar of Arkansaw"
rambled on from one thing to another with a volubility
perfectly astonishing, occasionally disputing with those
around him, particularly with a " live Sucker" from
Illinois, who had the daring to say that our Arkansaw
friend's stories " smelt rather tall."
In this manner the evening was spent ; but conscious
that my own association with so singular a personage
OF ARKANSAS. 23
would probably end before morning, I asked him if he
would not give me a description of some particular bear
hunt ; adding, that I took great interest in such things,
though I was no sportsman. The desire seemed to
please him, and he squared himself round towards me,
saying, that he could give me an idea of a bar hunt that
was never beat in this world, or in any other. His man
ner was so singular, that half of his story consisted in
his excellent way of telling it, the great peculiarity of
which was, the happy manner he had of emphasizing
the prominent parts of his conversation. As near as I
can recollect, I have italicized them, and given the
story in his own words.
" Stranger," said he, "in bar hunts I am numerous,
and which particular one, as you say, I shall tell, puz
zles me. There was the old she devil I shot at the
Hurricane last fall then there was the old hog thief I
popped over at the Bloody Crossing, and then Yes, I
have it ! I will give you an idea of a hunt, in which the
greatest bar was killed that ever lived, none excepted ;
about an old fellow that I hunted, more or less, for two
or three years ; and if that ain't a particular bar hunt,
I ain't got one to tell. But in the first place, stranger,
let me say, I am pleased with you, because you ain't
ashamed to gain information by asking, and listening ,
and that's what I say to Countess's pups every day
when I'm home ; and I have got great hopes of them
ar pups, because they are continually nosing about ; and
though they stick it sometimes in the wrong place, they
gain experience any how, and may learn something
useful to boot. Well, as I was saying about this big
24 THEBIGBEAR
bar, you see when I and some more first settled in our
region, we were drivin to hunting naturally ; we soon
liked it, and after that we found it an easy matter to
make the thing our business. One old chap who had
pioneered 'afore us, gave us to understand that we had
settled in the right place. He dwelt upon its merits
until it was affecting, and showed us, to prove his as
sertions, more marks on the sassafras trees than I ever
saw on a tavern door 'lection time. ' Who keeps that
ar reckoning ?' said I. ' The bar,' said he. ' What
for ?' said I. ' Can't tell,' said he ; ' but so it is : the
bar bite the bark and wood too, at the highest point
from the ground they can reach, and you can tell, by
the marks,' said he, ' the length of the bar to an inch.'
' Enough,' said I ; ' I've learned something here a'ready,
and I'll put it in practice.'
Well, stranger, just one month from that time I killed
a bar, and told its exact length before I measured it, by
those very marks ; and when I did that, I swelled up
considerable I've been a prouder man ever since. So
I went on, laming something every day, until I was
reckoned a buster, and allowed to be decidedly the best
bar hunter in my district ; and that is a reputation as
much harder to earn thp.n to be reckoned first man
in Congress, as an iron ramrod is harder than a toad
stool. Did the varmints grow over-cunning by being
fooled with by green-horn hunters, and by this means
get troublesome, they send for mt- as a matter of course ;
and thus I do my own hunting, and most of my neigh
bours'. I walk into the varmints though, and it has
become about as much the same to me as drinking.
OF ARKANSAS. 25
It is told in two sentences a bar is started, and he is
killed. The thing is somewhat monotonous now I
know just how much they will run, where they will tire,
how much they will growl, and what a thundering time
I will have in getting them home. I could give you this
history of the chase with all the particulars at the com
mencement, I know the signs so well Stranger, Fm
certain. Once I met with a match though, and I will
tell you about it ; for a common hunt would not be
worth relating.
" On a fine fall day, long time ago, I was trailing
about for bar, and what should I see but fresh marks on
the sassafras trees, about eight inches above any in the
forests that I knew of. Says I, * them marks is a hoax,
or it indicates the d 1 bar that was ever grown.' In
fact, stranger, I couldn't believe it was real, and I went
on. Again I saw the same marks, at the same height,
and I knew the thing lived. That conviction came home
to my soul like an earthquake. Says I, ' here is some
thing a-purpose for me : that bar is mine, or I give up
the hunting business.' The very next morning what
should I see but a number of buzzards hovering over
my corn-field. ' The rascal has been there,' said I,
' for that sign is certain :' and, sure enough, on examin
ing, I found the bones of what had been as beautiful
a hog the day before, as was ever raised by a Buck
eye. Then I tracked the critter out of the field to the
woods, and all the marks he left behind, showed me
that he was the bar. +
" Well, stranger, the first fair chase I ever had with
that big critter, I saw him no less than three distinct
26 THEBIGBEAR
times at a distance : the dogs run him over eighteen
miles and broke down, my horse gave out, and I was
us nearly used up as a man can be, made on my prin
ciple, which is patent. Before this adventure, such
things were unknown to me as possible ; but, strange
as it was, that bar got me used to it before I was done
with him ; for he got so at last, that he would leave me
on a long chase quite easy. How he did it, I never
could understand. That a bar runs at all, is puzzling ;
but how this one could tire down and bust up a pack
of hounds and a horse, that were used to overhauling
everything they started after in no time, was past my
understanding. Well, stranger, that bar finally got so
sassy, that he used to help himself to a hog off my pre
mises whenever he wanted one ; the buzzards followed
after what he left, and so, between bar and buzzard, I
rather think I was out of pork.
" Well, missing that bar so often took hold of my
vitals, and I wasted away. The thing had been carried
too far, and it reduced me in flesh faster than an ager.
I would see that bar in every thing I did : he hunted
me, and that, too, like a devil, which I began to think
he was. While in this fix, I made preparations to give
him a last brush, and be done with it. Having com
pleted every thing to iny satisfaction, I started at sun
rise, and to my great joy, I discovered from the way
the dogs run, that they were near him ; finding his trail
was nothing, for that had become as plain to the pack
as a turnpike road. .On we went, and coming to an
open country, what should I see but the bar very lei
surely ascending a hill, and the dogs close at his heels,
OF ARKANSAS. 27
either a match for him this time in speed, or else he
did not care to get out of their way I don't know
which. But wasn't he a beauty, though? I loved him
'ike a brother.
" On he went, until he carne to a tree, the limbs of
which formed a crotch about six feet from the ground.
Into this crotch he got and seated himself, the dogs yell
ing all around it; and there he sat eyeing them as quiet
as a pond in low water. A green-horn friend of mine, in
company, reached shooting distance before me, and
blazed away, hitting the critter in the centre of his
forehead. The bar shook his head as the ball struck
it, and then walked down from that tree as gently as a
lady would from a carriage. 'Twas a beautiful sight
to see him do that he was in such a rage that he
seemed to be as little afraid of the dogs as if they had
been sucking pigs ; and the dogs warn't slow in making
a ring around him at a respectful distance, I tell you ;
even Bowie-knife, himself, stood off. Then the way his
eyes flashed why the fire of them would have singed a
cat's hair ; in fact that bar was in a u-ralh all over. Only
one pup came near him, and he was brushed out so to
tally with the bar's left paw, that he entirely disappeared ;
and that made the old dogs more cautious still. In the
mean time, I came up, and taking deliberate aim as a
man should do, at his side, just back of his foreleg, if
niy gun did not snap, call me a coward, and I won't
take it personal. Yes, stranger, it snapped, and I could
not find a cap about my person. While in this predica
ment, I turned round to my fool friend says I. ' Bill,'
says I, ' you're an ass you're a fool you might as
28 THE BIG BEAR
well have tried to kill that bar by barking the tree un
der his belly, as to have done it by hitting him in the
head. Your shot has made a tiger of him, and blast
me, if a dog gets killed or wounded when they come to
blows, I will stick my knife into your liver, I will '
my wrath was up. I had lost my caps, my gun had
snapped, the fellow with me had fired at the bar's head,
and I expected every moment to see him close in with
the dogs, and kill a dozen of them at least. In this
thing I was mistaken, for the bar leaped over the ring
formed by the dogs, and giving a fierce growl, was off
the pack, of course, in full cry after him. The run
this time was short, for coming to the edge of a lake
the varmint jumped in, and swam to a little island in
the lake, which it reached just a moment before the
dogs. ' I'll have him now,' said I, for I had found my
caps in the lining of my coat so, rolling a log into the
lake, I paddled myself across to the island, just as the
dogs had cornered the bar in a thicket. I rushed up
and fired at the same time the critter leaped over the
dogs and came within three feet of me, running like
mad; he jumped into the lake, and tried to mount the
log I had just deserted, but every time he got half his
body on it, it would roll over and send him under; the
dogs, too, got around him, and pulled him about, and
finally Bowie-knife clenched with him, and they sunk
into the lake together. Stranger, about this time I was
excited, and I stripped off my coat, drew my knife, and
intended to have taken a part with Bowie-knife myself,
when the bar rose to the surface. But the varmint
staid under Bowie-knife ame up alone, more dead
' He jumped into the lake and tried to mount th log." Page 2S.
OF ARKANSAS. 29
than alive, and with the pack came ashore. ' Thank
God,' said I, ' the old villain has got his deserts at last.'
Determined to have the body, I cut a grape-vine for a
rope, and dove down where I could see the bar in the
water, fastened my queer rope to his leg, and fished
him, with great difficulty, ashore. Stranger, may I be
chawed to death by young alligators, if the thing I
looked at wasn't a she bar, and not the old critter after
all. The way matters got mixed on that island was
onaccountably curious, and thinking of it made me
more than ever convinced that I was hunting the devil
himself. I went home that night and took to my bed
the thing was killing me. The entire team of Ar-
kansaw in bar-hunting, acknowledged himself used up,
and the fact sunk into my feelings like a snagged boat
will in the Mississippi. I grew as cross as a bar with
two cubs and a sore tail. The thing got out 'mong my
neighbours, and I was asked how come on that individ-
u-al that never lost a bar when once started ? and if
that same individ-u-al didn't wear telescopes when he
turned a she bar, of ordinary size, into an old he one,
a little larger than a horse? 'Prehaps,' said I, 'friends'
getting wrathy ' prehaps you want to call somebody
a liar.' ' Oh, no,' said they, ' we only heard such things
as being rather common of late, but we don't believe one
word of it ; oh, no,' and then they would ride off and
laugh like so many hyenas over a dead nigger. It was
too much, and I determined to catch that bar, go t
Texas, or die, and I made my preparations accordin 7 .
I had the pack shut up and rested. I took my rifle to
pieces, and iled it. I put caps in every pocket about
30 THEBIGBEAR
my person, for fear of the lining. I then told my neigh
bours, that on Monday morning naming the day I
would start THAT BAR, and bring him home with me, or
they might divide my settlement among them, the owner
having disappeared. Well, stranger, on the morning
previous to the great day of my hunting expedition, I
went into the woods near my house, taking my gun and
Bowie-knife along, just from habit, and there sitting
down also from habit, what should I see, getting over
my fence, but the bar ! Yes, the old varmint was within
a hundred yards of me, and the way he walked over
that fence stranger, he loomed up like a black mist,
he seemed so large, and he walked right towards me.
I raised myself, took deliberate aim, and fired. In
stantly the varmint wheeled, gave a yell, and walked
through the fence like a falling tree would through a
cobweb. I started after, but was tripped up by my in
expressibles, which either from habit, or the excitement
of the moment, were about my heels, and before I had
really gathered myself up, I heard the old varmint
groaning in a thicket near by, like a thousand sinners,
and by the time I reached him he was a corpse. Stran
ger, it took five niggers and myself to put that carcase
on a mule's back, and old long-ears waddled under his
load, as if he was foundered in every leg of his body,
and with a common whopper of a bar, he would have
trotted off, and enjoyed himself. 'T would astonish you
to know how big he was : I made a bed-spread of his
skin, and the way it used to cover my bar mattress, and
leave several feet on each side to tuck up, would have
delighted you. It was in fact a creation bar, and if it
OF ARKANSAS. 31
had lived in Samson's time, and had met him, in a fair
fight, it would have licked him in the twinkling of a
dice-box. But, stranger, I never liked the way I hunt
ed him, and missed him. There is something curious
about it, I could never understand, and I never was
satisfied at his giving in so easy at last. Prehaps, he
had heard of my preparations to hunt him the next day,
so he jist come in, like Capt. Scott's coon, to save his
wind to grunt with in dying ; but that ain't likely. My
private opinion is, that that bar was an unhuntable bar,
and died when his time come."
When the story was ended, our hero sat some mi
nutes with his auditors in a grave silence ; I saw there
was a mystery to him connected with the bear whose
death he had just related, that had evidently made a
strong impression on his mind. It was also evident
that there was some superstitious awe connected with
the affair, a feeling common with all " children of the
* o
wood," when they meet with any thing out of their every
day experience. He was the first one, however, to
break the silence, and jumping up, he asked all present
to " liquor" before going to bed, a thing which he did,
with a number of companions, evidently to his heart's
content.
Long before day, I was put ashore at my place of
destination, and I can only follow with the reader, in
imagination, our Arkansas friend, in his adventures at
the " Forks of Cypress" on the Mississippi.
JONES' MGHT,
A STORY OF KENTUCKY BY AN ALABAMIAN.
The inimitable story which follows, was, like ihe preceding one, writ
ten for the New York " Spirit of the Times," where it first appeared
in January, 1840; but such has been the demand for it, that it has
been republished in the same journal more than once. The writer,
who is also the author of "A Quarter Race in Kentucky," is a planter
of North Alabama, and a gentleman of family and fortune. Greatly
does the editor regret that his lips are sealed as to the name and lo
cal habitation of this favoured disciple ol'Momus. In many respects,
" Jones' Fight" is hardly surpassed by any sketch in the language
not even by Tom Hood's " Antiquity of Horse Racing." No appeals
to the writer for vanity or cupidity " is not in him" will induce
him to write oftenerthan " when the ' Spirit' moves." Few gentle
men are better known in the sporting world, as a breeder and turf
man, or who have more distinguished themselves by their wealth,
enterprise and spirit.
COL. DICK JONES was decidedly the great man of
the village of Summerville. He was colonel of the
regiment he had represented his district in congress
he had been spoken of as candidate for governor he
was at the head of the bar in Hawkins county, Ken
tucky, and figured otherwise largely in public life. His
legal opinion and advice were highly valued by the
senior part of the population his dress and taste was
law to the juniors his easy, affable, and attentive
manner charmed all the matrons his dignified polite
ness captivated the young ladies and his suavity
32
JONES' FIGHT. 33
and condescension delighted the little boarding-school
misses. He possessed a universal smattering of infor
mation his manners were the most popular ; extremely
friendly and obliging, lively and witty; and, in short,
he was a very agreeable companion.
Yet truth requires it to be admitted, that Col. Dick
Jones was professionally more specious than deep, and
that his political advancement was owing to personal
partiality more than superior merit that his taste and
dress were of questionable propriety: for instance, he
occasionally wore a hunting-shirt white fringed, or a red
waistcoat, or a fawn-skin one, or a calico morning-
gown of a small yellow pattern, and he indulged in
other similar vagaries in clothing. And in manners
and deportment, there was an air of harmless (true Vir
ginian bred and Kentucky raised) self-conceit and
swagger, which, though not to be admired, yet it gave
piquancy and individuality to his character.
If further particulars are required, I can only state
that the colonel boarded at the Eagle hotel his office,
in the square, fronted the court-house he was a ma
nager of all the balls he was vice-president of the
Summer ville Jockey Club he was trustee of the Fe
male Academy he gallanted the old ladies to church,
holding his umbrella over them in the sun, and escort
ed the young ladies, at night, to the dances or parties,
always bringing out the smallest ones. He rode a high
headed, proud-looking sorrel horse, with a streak down
his face ; and he was a general referee and umpire,
whether it was a horse swap, a race, a rifle match, 01
a cock fight.
C
34 JONES' FIGHT.
It so chanced, on a time, though Col. Jones was one
of the best-natured of men, that he took umbrage at
some report circulated about him in an adjoining county
and one of his districts, to the effect that he had been
a federalist during the last war ; and, instead of rely
ing on the fact of his being a school-boy on Mill Creek
at that time, he proclaimed, at the tavern table, that
the next time he went over the mountain to court, Bill
Patterson, the reputed author of the slander, should
either sign a liebill, fight, or run.
This became narrated through the town, the case
and argument of the difference was discussed among
the patriarchs of the place, who generally came to the
conclusion that the colonel had good cause of quarrel,
as more had been said of him than an honourable man
could stand. The young store boys of the village be
came greatly interested, conjectured how the fight
would go, and gave their opinions what they would do
under similar circumstances. The young lawyers, and
young M. D.'s, as often as they were in the colonel's
company, introduced the subject of the expected fight.
On such occasions, the colonel spoke carelessly and
banteringly. Some good old ladies spoke deprecating-
ly, in the general and in the particular, that so good and
clever a young man as Colonel Dick should set so bad
an example; and the young ladies, and little misses,
bless their dear little innocent souls, they only consulted
their own kind hearts, and were satisfied that he must
be a wicked and bad man that Colonel Jones would
fight.
Spring term of the courts came on, and the lawyers
JONES' FIGHT. 35
all started on their circuit, and, with them, Col. Jones
went over the mountain. The whole town was alive to
the consequences of this trip, and without much com
munion or understanding on the subject, most of the
population either gathered at the tavern at his depar
ture, or noticed it from a distance, and he rode off, gaily
saluting his acquaintances, and raising his hat to the
ladies, on both sides of the street, as he passed out of
town.
From that time, only one subject engaged the thoughts
of the good people of Summerville; and on the third day
the common salutation was, " Any news from over the
mountain ?" " Has any one come down the road ?"
The fourth, fifth, and sixth came, and still the public
anxiety was unappeased : it had, with the delay, be
come insufferable, quite agonizing ; business and occu
pation was at a stand still ; a doctor or a constable
would not ride to the country lest news of the fight
might arrive in their absence. People in crossing the
square, or entering or coming out of their houses, all
had their heads turned up that road. And many, though
ashamed to confess it, sat up an hour or two past their
usual bed-time, hoping some one would return from
court. Still all was doubt and uncertainty. There is
an unaccountable perversity in these things that bothers
conjecture. I watched the road from Louisville two
days, to hear of Grey Eagle beating Wagner, on which
T had one hundred dollars staked, of borrowed money,
and no one came ; though before that, some person
passed every hour.
On the seventh morning, the uneasy public were con-
39
36 JONES' FIGHT.
soled by the certainty that the lawyers must be home
that day, as court seldom held a week, and the univer
sal resolve seemed to be that nothing was to be attend
ed to until they were satisfied about the fight. Store
keepers and their clerks, saddlers, hatters, cabinet
makers, and their apprentices, all stood out at the doors.
The hammer ceased to ring on the anvil, and the bar
keeper would scarcely walk in to put away the stran
ger's saddle-bags, who had called for breakfast ; when
suddenly a young man, that had been walking from one
side of the street to the other, in a state of feverish
anxiety, thought he saw dust away up the road, and
stopped. I have been told a man won a wager in
Philadelphia, on his collecting a crowd by staring, with
out speaking, at an opposite chimney. So no sooner
was this young man's point noticed, than there was a
general reconnoissance of the road made, and before
long, doubt became certainty, when one of the company
declared he knew the colonel's old sorrel riding-horse,
" General Jackson," by the blaze on his face.
In the excited state of the public mind it required no
ringing of the court-house bell to convene the people ;
those down street walked up, and those across the
square came over, and all gathered gradually at the
Eagle hotel, and nearly all were present by the time
Col. Jones alighted. He had a pair of dark green
specks on, his right hand in a sling, with brown paper
bound round his wrist ; his left hand held the bridle, and
the forefinger of it wrapped with a linen rag " with
care.*' One of his ears was covered with a muslin
scrap, that looked much like the countrywomen's plan
JONES' FIGHT. 37
of covering their butter when coming to market ; his
face was clawed all over, as if he had had it raked by
a cat held fast by the tail ; his head was unshorn, it
being " too delicate an affair," as * * * said about
his wife's character. His complexion suggested an
idea to a philosophical young man present, on which he
wrote a treatise, dedicated to Arthur Tappan, proving
that the negro was only a white well pummelled ; and
his general swelled appearance would induce a belief
he had led the forlorn hope in the storming of a bee
hive.
The colonel's manner did not exactly proclaim " the
conquering hero," but his affability was undiminished,
and he addressed them with, " Happy to see you, gents ;
how are you all?" and then attempted to enter the ta
vern ; but Buck Daily arrested him with, " Why, colo
nel, I see you have had a skrimmage. How did you
make it ! You didn't come out at the little eend of the
horn, did you ?" " No, not exactly, I had a tight fit of
it, though. You know Bill Patterson ; he weighs one
hundred and seventy-five pounds, has not an ounce of
superfluous flesh, is as straight as an Indian, and as
active as a wildcat, and as quick as powder, and very
much of a man, I assure you. Well, my word was out
to lick him ; so I hardly put up my horse before I found
him at the court-house door, and, to give him a white
man's chance, I proposed alternatives to him. He said
his daddy, long ago, told him never to give a liebill,
and he was not good at running, so he thought he had
best fight. By the time the word was fairly out. I haul
ed off, and took him in the burr of the ear that raised
38 JONES' FIGHT.
a singing in bis head, that made him think he was hi
Mosquitoe town. At it we went, like killing snakes, so
good a man, so good a boy ; we had it round and round,
and about and about, as dead a yoke as ever pulled at
a log chain. Judge Mitchell was on the bench, and as
soon as the cry of " fight" was raised, the bar and jury
ran off and left him. He shouted, " I command the
peace," within the court-house, and then ran out to see
the fight, and cried out, "I can't prevent you !" " fair
fight !" " stand back !" and he caught parson Benefield
by the collar of the coat, who, he thought, was about to
interfere, and slung him on his back at least fifteen
feet.
" It was the evenest and longest fight ever fought :
every body was tired of it, and I must admit, in truth,
that I was" (here he made an effort to enter the tavern.)
But several voices called out, " Which whipped ? How
did you come out?" "Why, much as I tell you ; we
had it round and round, about and about, over and
under. I could throw him at rastle, but he would ma
nage some way to turn me. Old Sparrowhawk was
there, who had seen all the best fighting at Natchez,
under the hill, in the days of Dad Girty and Jim Snod-
grass, and he says my gouging was beautiful ; one of
Bill's eyes is like the mouth of an old ink bottle, only,
as the fellow said, describing the jackass by the mule,
it is more so. But, in fact, there was no great choice
between us, as you see. I look like having ran into a
brush fence of a dark night. So we made it round and
round, and about and about" (here again he attempted
retreat into the tavern.) But many voices demanded,
Why, much as I toll you; we had it round and round, about and about, over
and under." Pagt 38.
JONES' FIGHT. 41
"Who hollered?" "Which gave up?" "How did
you hurt your hand?" " Oh ! I forgot to tell you, that
as I aimed a sockdollager at him he ducked his head,
and he can dodge like a diedapper, and hitting him
awkwardly, I sprained my wrist ; so, being like the fel
low who, when it rained mush, had no spoon, I changed
the suit and made a trump and went in for eating.
In the scuffle we fell, cross and pile, and, while he was
chawing my finger, my head was between his legs ; his
woollen jean britches did not taste well, but I found a
bare place, where the seat had worn out, and meat in
abundance ; so I laid hold of a good mouthful, but the
bit came out ; and finding his appetite still good for my
finger, I adopted Doctor Bones', the toothsmith's, patent
method of removing teeth without the aid of instru
ments, and I extracted two of his incisors, and then I
could put my finger in or out at pleasure. However, 1
shall, for some time, have an excuse for wearing gloves
without being thought proud." (He now tried to escape
wider cover of a laugh.) But vox populi again. " So
you tanned him, did you ?" " How did the fight finish ?"
"You were not parted?" "You fought it out, did
you ?" The colonel resumed, " Why, there is no tell
ing how the fight might have gone ; an old Virginian,
who had seen Francesco, and Otey, and Lewis, and
Blevins, and all the best men of the day, said he had
never seen any one stand up to their fodder better than
we did. We had fought round and round, and about
and about, all over the court-yard, and, at last, just to
end the fight, every body was getting tired of it ; so,
at 1 a a st, I hollered. (Exit colonel.)
THE
GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT,
A STORY OF MICHIGAN BY A NEW YORKER.
Among the most promising young writers of the day, is the author of
a series of sketches which have appeared within a few years in the
New York " Spirit of the Times," purporting to have been discovered
among the "unfinished papers of the late editor of the ' Kalamazoo
Advocate and Journal.' " The " late editor" referred to, " went
crazy" one fine day, the reader is given to understand, from the com
bined effects of fright, deep potations, and Tom Haines and was, in
consequence, incapacitated from occupying longer the editorial chair.
The following report of " The Great Kalamazoo Hunt," purports to
have been written by one of the late editor's "printer's devils," who
accompanied his "boss" on the expedition. We must premise that
the hunt had been for some weeks previously " the town talk" that
those engaged in getting it up, had met nightly at the " doggery" or
tavern of a certain Major Bristol, to " talk the thing over," and that
it was originally planned by Tom Haines and the " late editor," in,
the confident hope and expectation of enjoying " the tallest kind of
a spree 1"
ON the morning of the hunt I got out of bed about
half an hour after daylight, and went down into the
boss's office, or room, or whatever he called it, to see if
he was up ; but when I came to look round, blessed if
he'd been to hum all night. There stood the bed just
as it is in the day-time, looking as much like a book
case as it could, and every thing else all natural. So
42
THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 43
thinks I to myself, thinks I, per'aps he's down to the
major's. Well, so down I went, and there, sure enough,
he was, and about a dozen others, jist up. That is,
they had jist rolled off the benches on which they had
slept all night. I tell you what, that party did look
streaky.
" Hallo !" says old Haines to the boss, " how are
you, old fellow? Pleasant dreams last night, hey?"
" Curse that rum sling there was too much sugar
in it, which leaves an unpleasant taste in the mouth this
morning. How is't with you, hey ?"
" For 's sake," said the boss, " don't croak so,
Tom, don't. You'll drive me mad with your cursed din.
Be a Christian once in your life, and just knock the
bar-keeper up, and let's medicine."
Well, old Haines was a Christian that time, and after
all the party had took a drink, except the boss, for he
took two, the first being too sweet, the fellows got to
gether their shooting traps, and made ready to be off.
So the boss he gets up on a chair and makes them a
speech, telling each one as how he should go, and says
he, " as Haines and myself are about half of each other,
I reckon we'll jine, make one, and go together this time."
They all agreed, and started off, leaving the boss,
Haines, an' me at the major's.
" Now," said the boss, " suppose we licker agin, and
then fill that case-bottle up there," p'inting to one in
the bar " and be off too."
" Agreed," said old Haines. So I filled the bottle
with cider-brandy, and off we went for Long Swamp.
There wasn't anvthinff of particular account as
44 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT.
occurred while we were making for the swamp, except
the boss would lag behind and take a sly pull at the
case-bottle, when he thought old Haines wouldn't see.
So all went on very quiet until we arrived down at the
north end. " Now," says old Haines, " suppose, 'squire,
we drink fust, and load afterwards ?"
" Exactly," said the boss.
So they took a drink apiece, and old Haines went to
work loading up his old big bore, with as much care as
a gal fixes herself when she slicks up. Well, after he
had got the ball home, he took a squint at the priming,
and then you should have heard how he took on. I
swow to man, I thought he'd strike the boss. Some fel
low had taken the powder out of his horn and put in
black sand, and that wasn't the worst of it, they sarved
the boss jist the same.
"What's to be done now?" asked the boss, after
Haines had blowed himself out.
" Well," said he, " I don't know any better way than
to keep down the middle of the swamp until we meet
with some of the boys, get some ammunition of them,
and then strike off on our own account."
So we trarnpoosed along down the edge of the swamp
till we came to a track, when we turned in Ingin file,
and kept on about a mile or so, climbing over stumps,
wading through mud-holes, tearing through cat briers,
and stumbling among bogs, and at last found ourselves
in an open piece about a pole across, which was per
fectly dry, with two large oak trees standing some ten
feet apart.
" Hold on, Haines," says the boss, " let's pull up
THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 45
here and take some grub. You haint had any break
fast, nor I neither ; so you take that tree and I'll take
this, and we'll eat and rest a bit."
" Agreed," said Haines. " There aint much use of
going too fast, and we might as well pull up a bit here
as not. 'Squire, suppose we liquor?"
Well, old Haines and the boss sat down, and I fixed
the things for them, not forgetting to leave the bottle ;
and, thinks I to myself, I reckon I'll start on a piece
and look after some of the boys. So on I goes for about
a two or three miles, without seeing anything of any
of them ; and beginning to feel tired, I turned round
and put back agin. Well, when I got, as I thought,
about where I left the boss and Haines, I heard a kind
of growling and rustling, as if there was pigs huntin'
after acorns. Holloa, says I to myself, what's this?
I'll jist peep in the brush and see what it is. So I
turns in out of the track, and by gosh, if there wasn't
the boss behind one tree, and old Haines behind an
other, each dodging a bear. Holloa ! says I, this is
a fix ! What's to be done now ? So I hides behind
a thick ivy bush, and looks on a spell ; but I had to
laugh. There stood the boss behind a tree, with his
legs one side and his head t'other, and whenever the
bear would make a pass at him round one way, he
dodged round the other ; while old Haines kept his
head a-going from one side to the other, and danced
round and back jist as if he weighed one stone in place
of eighteen.
"My God!" said old Haines to the boss, when his
bear kept still a moment, and gin him a chance to
46 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT.
breathe " if this work keeps on much longer, curse
me if I don't have to give up. I can't stand it, by all
that's holy. Holler, 'Squire, for I can't, and see if you
can't bring that boy back."
" I can't holla, Haines, I can't," said boss, " the ani
mal is so infernally bent on grabbing my (Good Lord,
he liked to have had me that time !) leg. Try, Haines,
yourself! do, there's a good fellow ! That animal af
ter you aint a she one, and mine is I know by its being
so infernal artful. Ugh ! you bitch !" said the boss,
shaking his fist at the one as was after him, as she stood
on her hind legs, grabbing at him round the tree, with
her head half way round, to see exactly where he was.
" Can't we change trees?" asked Haines, " for I've
got tired running round one way, and the cursed brute
won't alter the track."
"Hey! hollo! hey!" sung out the boss for me, " ho,
hoop, ha 'r 'r 'r," and by gosh, while he turned up his
eyes as if to holla louder, the bear give him a dig with
her paw in the seat of his pantaloons, and carried away
drawers and all. "Oh!" said the boss, and he put
one hand behind to feel what damage was done, and
darted round t'other side quicker. " Curse me if I keep
this position much longer, Haines ! I'll take the path
and make a run for it ! This is playing bo-peep with
a vengeance ! It's altogether too exciting to be plea
sant a pretty position for the editor of the ' Ad
vocate and Journal' to be placed in a dodging bears
round chestnut trees ! curse me if I can stand it any
longer."
But Haines hadn't any time to attend to what the
THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 49
saying, for t'other bear kept Lirn on the move,
so tk>t he was all eyes, and no care for any thing else
and the t\vo kept dodging and twisting, and heading
off each other with great alertness and perseverance.
" I wish I had a slight drop of something," said the
boss to himself, for there was no use talking to Ilaines;
he hadn't time to answer. "I th:nk I could keep this
up somewhat longer, but without something strength
ening I must knock under, that's a fact. No editor of
flesh and blood could do it, and what's more, curse me
if I do." He went on getting wrathy. "Look here,
Ilaines! I tell you what, this can't last much longer
without coming to some pass or other."
" I, too, Katey," replied Haines ; " but may I never
taste any thing stronger than water if I don't think we've
come to a pretty considerable d d pass already. Here
I am scouting round this infernal tree, first on one side
then t'other, dodging here and there, headed off and
chased round, making myself a cursed jinny-spinner,
dry as , and as hot as thunder, and you yelling out
to me to get you out of jist sich a fix as I am in myself.
Curse the bitch, why don't you ah ! why don't you
mesmerise her !"
But it wasn't any use for them to get wrathy the
bears didn't give them time to get in a passion, for it
takes the boss and Haines ten minutes to fire up strong
when they talk politics ; and as they were just at that
time, they didn't get a minute, even to think.
Well, after I had looked out for about fifteen minutes
or so, and seed the boss begin to get desperately fright
ened, and old Haines sweating like a pitcher with ice-
50 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT.
water in it, and looking all-fired tired, thinks I, I heard
a gun back north some time ago ; I guess I'll try and
hunt up that fellow, and get him to come and shoot one
of these varmint, so as to get our boss out of the scrape.
So back I went, and in half an hour I found old Bullet
poking around among a parcel of gorse and furze, look
ing after a partridge that he had killed when I heard
his gun go off; and as soon as I told him how matters
stood with the boss and Haines, he loaded right up,
and started away like a fire-engine under a full head of
steam, and made tracks straight ahead, without steer
ing clear of anything.
Bullet drove on so fast, that when we came up to
where the old 'uns were, I was so all-fired blowed that
I hadn't wind enough left to laugh. There they was,
just as I had left them, dodging and sliding round, and
the bears growling and snapping like all natur. Old
Haines had got so warm that he had pulled off his cra
vat, coat, and waistcoat, and had unbuttoned his shirt
at the neck and wristbands, awaiting a chance to duck
his head and get that off too. I verily believe that, fat
as he is, he did think of climbing the tree, just to vary
the amusement. As for the boss, he wa* jerking his
head from one side to the other, just like xhat Dutch
figure on cousin Sally's mantel-piece ; and I do believe
if he had kept on for about an hour more, he wouldn't
have had a hair left on his scalp. He's a littlu Wld on
top as it is.
As soon as we got near enough I hollered out t*> old
Haines, so as he might know there was somebody jigh
at band ; and as soon as ever he seed Bullet with fci
THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 51
gun, didn't the old fellow look glad, and for fear Bullet
would want to poke fun at him, and keep him dodging
a little longer, you ought to have heard him try to peti
tion and pray. But it wouldn't do ; if ever he learnt
how, he'd forgot, I reckon, though he never had any
schooling in that line.
" Oh, Bullet," says he, "if you ever heer'd minster
Damenhall tell about the next world, and you have a
look to be saved, and just think about my da'ter, to
hum, and the old woman (though you needn't lay any
great stress on her in particular.) You know, Bullet,
we don't know where we may go to. Oh ! Lord, look
down on Bullet I mean the Squire and I and give
us grace (why don't you fire, you cursed fool ? Do,
that's a good fellow) and the Squire will ever pray.
May we live so as to look forward (Bullet, I'll give
you a pint of apple-jack the very minute I get back
to the Major's, if you'll only fire quick) and may our
hearts be bound up with grace (why, in the name of ,
don't you blow this brute's brains out, and be cursed
to you ? I'll lick you like thunder, I will !) For all
our past sins be merciful (I'll let you off that quarter
you owe me, Bullet,) that we may live a godly, righte
ous, and sober or at least moderate life; preserve
us, oh Lord."
I don't know whether the old fellow could have gone
on any longer, but I hadn't a chance to know, for Bul
let, who had got into thick cover, drew upon the var
mint, and put a ball clean through its head. The
other one scampered off as soon as he heard the report,
and was hunted up next day, and killed by Bill Winkle.
52 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT.
The very moment the boss and Haines found them
selves clear, down they both dropped, clean gone. The
boss fainted, and so would old Haines have done, but
he couldn't; and besides, he was so busily engaged in
cursing Bullet, and calling for a drink of something, he
hadn't time. We had a bad time bringing the boss to,
and he appeared a good deal flighty when we got him
so as he could walk home. As for Haines, he swore
he'd set two niggers to rubbing him down with ile, the
very minute he got hum, or else he'd be as stiff as a
spavined horse next day.
When we arrived in town we all went to the Major's,
but we couldn't keep the boss long, for he took on
dreadfully. Some said he was crazy, some said he was
wild drunk, the Major said that he thought perhaps
the fright had slightly turned his brain ; whereupon old
Haines, who was getting near about considerably tight,
said as how that couldn't be, because the boss had stood
the wear, tear, and racket, when the fellow came on
from York to dun the boss for a bill of paper as he
owed to one in that city, and said he, " if he could stand
such a cursing as that was, burn my skin if all the bears
this side of the York line, and west of the Rocky moun
tains, would be able to shake one single nerve in his
whole body!"
However, be the cause what it may, the boss is clean
gone, stark mad, and the schoolmaster has had to
take his place.
Some one of the boys, that night, after hearing Haines
tell the story over about a dozen times, and seeing he
was pretty drunk, went straight down to the Methodist
THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 53
meeting-house and told the minister, who was holding
forth that night, that the old fellow had sent him to re
quest " the prayers of the church for his safe delivery,"
and that as soon as he got rested, he himself would
come down and jine in worship, besides giving in his
testimony. The minister couldn't believe it at first, but
when Jim declared it was truth, sure, he got right up
and told the congregation. So they sets to work praying
for the recovered sheep, regenerated sinner, and reco
vered outcast from the fold of chosen lambs, together
with many other beautiful names as they give Haines ,
while Jim went back to the Major's, and finding the
lamb, jist right, ups and tells him as how he had just
passed by the meeting-house, and heard minister Da-
menhall say to the folks that he didn't believe one word
of the story that 'twas an invention of Satan's put into
Haines' mouth to deceive those who were on the road
to ruin through the effects of liquor ; and that the quan
tity that Haines had induced the boss to drink was the
sole cause of his craziness.
As soon as ever Haines heard this, he got straight
up as he could, buttoned up his coat, and went right
down to the meeting-house ; but what followed haint
got any thing to do with the late Hunt at Kalamazoo.
THAT BIG DOG EIGHT
AT MYERS'S.
A STORY OF MISSISSIPPI BY A MISSISSIPPIAN.
The writer of the following story is one of the most entertaining com
panions we ever met. Like the elder Placide, or Gabriel Ravel, he
has the keenest perception of the ludicrous imaginable ; in him this
is combined with an inexhaustible flow of spirits, and a rare fund of
wit and humour peculiarly calculated to " set the table in a roar."
For several years he has been a most acceptable correspondent of
the New York " Spirit of the Times," and while his stories have
" ranged from amazin to onkimmon," there is not an indifferent one
among them all. His extraordinary merit as a story-teller is only
equalled by his modesty ; " not for the world" would he permit us to
name him. We are free to say, however, that he is a country gen
tleman of Mississippi, " of about our size," and that he resides on a
river-plantation nearly equi-distant from the regions of " the cotton
trade and sugar line."
" WELL, them was great times, and men lived about
here, them days, too ! not sayin' they're all dead, but
the settlements is got too thick for 'em to splurge, an'
they are old beside, they're watin' for thar boys to do
somethin' when they gits men ! I tell you what, if they
lived till kingdom come they wouldn't be men. I'd like
to see one single one of 'em that ever rid his horse up
two pair of stairs, jumpt him thru "
" Stop, stop, Uncle Johnny ! Do tell us about that
big dog fight at Myers's."
54
THAT BIG DOG FIGHT AT MYERSES. 55
" Ha, ha, boy ! You thar ? Had your bitters yet ?
Well, well we'll take 'em together ; licker is better
now than it used to was ; but people don't drink so
much, and that's strange ! ain't it ? Well, I was talkin'
to these men about old Greensville, and about them
same men, for they was all at that same dog fite Fe-
atte, the Devil ! never be a patchin' to what old Greens
ville was about the times 'Old CoV was sheriff! I'll
just bet all the licker I ever expect to drink, that thar
ain't no second story in Featte that's got hoss tracks
on the floor and up agin' the ceil "
" I must stop you again, Uncle Johnny ; Fayette is
yet in its youth, and promises "
" Youth, H 1 ! yes, like the youth of some of my old
friends' sons upwards of thirty, an' they're expectin'
to make men out'n 'em yet ! I tell you what, young men
in my time'd just get in a spree, sorter open thar shirt
collars, and shuck tharselves with a growl, and come
out reddy-made men ; and most on 'em has staid reddy
for fifty-one year ! I ain't failed now, yet, and "
" Uncle Johnny, for God's sake stick to the dog story :
we'll hear all this after "
" Ah, you boy, you never will let me tell a story my
way, but here goes: Let me see yes, yes. Well, it
was a grate dog in Greensville, anyhow Charly Cox
had run old Saltrum agin' a hoss from the Red-licks,
and beat him shameful Run rite plum up the street in
Greensville so as evry body mite see. Well, a power
of licker was wasted nily evry house in town rid thru
women and children skeared out, and evry drink we
took was a ginral invite, and about night thar was one
40
56 THAT BIG DOG FIGHT
ginral in town Ginral Intoxication. Well, 'bout sun
down the old Ginral God bless him ! called up his
troops ; some of the same ones who was at Orleans ;
let's see thar was the high sheriff, Dick, Bat, Jim, old
Iron Tooth, an ' "
" Iron Tooth !" who'se he ?" suggested I.
" Why, he's the man what fit the dog ! Ain't you
never seen a man here in Featte, when he gits high up,
just pulls out his knife, and goes to chawin' it as if he'd
made a bet he could bite it in two ?"
" Yes, yes, go on."
" Well, the Ginral made 'em all mount, formed line,
and rid rite into the grocery formed line agin, had a
big stir-up drink handed to 'em all, and when the Ginral
raised his hat and said ' the Hero of Orleans,' the yell
that went up, put a bead on that man's licker that staid
uily a month, I hearn. We come a rarin' out'n the
grocery charged up and down two or three times,
cleared the streets of all weak things, then started
out home, all in a brest j evry one of us had a Polk
stalk "
" Hel-lo ! Polk stalks that early ?"
"Well, well, Hickry sticks same thing out of
town we went, chargin' evry thing we see fences, cat
tle, ox-teams ; and at last we got to old Myers's, farly
squeelin' to rar over somethin' ! Old Myers's dog was
awful bad the worst in anybody's nolledge why, peo
ple sent fifty miles to git pups from him ! Well, he
come a chargin', too, and met us at the gate, lookin'
like a young hyena. Iron Tooth just turned himself
round to us, and says he, ' Men, I'll take this fite off'n
And thar stood the dog with the awfullest countenance you ever seen a dog ware.'
Page 57.
AT MYERS'S. 57
your hands ;' so down he got, ondressed to his shirt,
stock, and boots got down on his all-fours in the road,
walkin' backards and forards, pitchin' up the dust and
bellerin' like a bull ! When the dog see him at that
sort of work, he did sorter stop barkin', but soon as he
see our animal strut up to the gate and begin to smell,
then, like another dog, he got fairly crazy to git thru at
him ; rarin', cavortin', and tarin 1 off pickets ! Our ani
mal was a takin' all this quite easy smellin' thru at him,
whinin' me-you, me-you, me-you struttin' backards and
forards, histin' up one leg agin the gate Well, after a
while the dog begin to git sorter tired, and then our ani
mal begin to git mad ! snap for snap he gin the dog, and
the spit and slobber flew, and soon the dog was worse
than he had been. Thar we was settin' on our hoses,
rollin' with laughin' and licker, and thought the thing was
rich, as it was ; but just then, our animal riz on his
hinders, onlatched the gate, and the dog lunged for him.
Ain't you never noticed when one dog bounces at ano
ther, he sorter whirls round sideways, to keep him from
hittin' him a fair lick? Well, jist so our animal: he
whirled round sideways to let the dog have a glancin'
lick, and true to the caracter, he was goin' to allow the
dog a dog's chance, and he stuck to his all-fours. The
dog didn't make but one lunge, and he stopt as still
as the picter of the wolf in the spellin' book for you
see our animal was right starn end facin' him, his shirt
smartly up over his back, and standin' mity high up on
his hind legs at that ! We all raised the old Indian yell
for you never did see sich a site, and thar stood the dog
with the awfullest countenance you ever seen a dog
68 THAT BIG DOG FIGHT
ware ! Our man, sorter thinkin' he'd bluffed the dog,
now give two or three short goat-pitches backards at
him! Ha! ha! ha!"
" What did he do ? What did he do ?"
" Do ? why run ! wouldn't a d d hyena run ! The
dog had a big block and chain to him, and soon our
animal was arter him, givin' some of the awfullest leaps
and yelps 'twarnt but a little squar picket yard round
the house, and the dog couldn't git out, so round and
round he went at last, turnin' a corner the chain rapt
round a stump, and thar the dog was fast, and he had
tofite! But he did give powerful licks to get loose!
When he see his inemy right on him agin, and when
Iron Tooth seen the dog was fast, round and round he'd
strut ; and sich struttin ! Ain't you never seen one of
these big, long-legged, short-tailed baboons struttin'
round on the top of the lion's cage ? Well, so he'd go
sorter smellin' at the dog (and his tongue hanging out
right smart, for he was tired,) me-you ! me-you ! Snap !
snap ! the dog would go, and he begin to show fite d d
plain agin, for our varmint was a facin' him, and he
seen "'twas a man arter all ! But our animal knovv'd
how to come the giraffe over him so round he turns
and gives him the starn view agin ! That farly broke
the dog's hart, and he jist rared back a pullin' and got
loose ! One or two goat-pitches backards and the dog
was flat on his back, playin' his fore-paws mity fast, and
perhaps some of the awfullest barks you ever hearn a
dog gin ! Old Iron Tooth he seen he had the dog at
about the rite pint, and he give one mortal lunge back
ards, and he lit with both hands on the dog's throat,
AT MYERS'S. 61
turned quick as lightnin', div down his head, and fast
ened his teeth on the dog's ears ! Sieh a shakin' and
hovvlin' ! The dog was too skeared to fite, and our
animal had it all his own way. We hollered to ' give
him some in the short ribs,' but he only held on and
growled at us, playin' the dog clean out, I tell you.
Well, thar they was, rollin' and tumblin' in the dirt
first one on top, and then tother our animal holdin' on
like pitch to a waggin wheel, the dog never thinkin'
'bout fitein' once, but makin' rale onest licks to git
loose. At last our varmint's hold broke the dog riz
made one tiger lunge the chain snapt he tucked hi*
tail, and and but you all know what skeared dogs
will do !
" Nobody ain't never got no pups from Myers since
the blood run rite out !"
HOW SIMON SUGGS
"RAISED JACK."
A. GEORGIA STORY BY AN ALABAMIAN.
L is a great pity that gentlemen of such sterling intellectual ability as
the writer of the subjoined sketch, should hide their light under a
bushel. We merely know of him that he is a young lawyer of re
pute, Johnson J. Hooper by name, and editor, en amateur, of " The
East Alabamian,' 1 published at La Fayette, in that state. His well
written editorial articles are mainly confined to political themes, and
it is only at rare intervals that he indulges his readers with sketches
like the one annexed thrown off, probably, at a heat. What a
" choice spirit" he would be in that circle of "jolly good fellows"
whose contributions to the "Spirit of the Times" have rendered that
journal far more famous for original wit and humour, than its being
the " Chronicle of the Sporting World."
Hooper has recently commenced in " The East Alabamian" a series
of sketches, detailing the history, adventures, and operations of one
Simon Suggs, late Captain of the Tallapoosa Volunteers, whom he
introduces with an exordium as ornate, graphic, and fanciful, as Mr.
Wirt's on the occasion of the trial of Aaron Burr. We propose here
for like many other entertaining things the Captain's history is yet
unwritten to give the reader an account only of those exploits of his
at the early age of seventeen (when his ingenuity and shrewdness
began first to attract attention.) which subsequently acquired for him
the epithet of "Shifty," his whole ethical system happening to lie
snugly in his favourite aphorism that " it is good to be a SHIFTY man in
a new country." The following characteristic anecdote is given as
one of the earliest specimens of the Captain's 'cuteness, and will
serve to illustrate the precocious development of his peculiar talent.
UNTIL Simon entered his seventeenth year, he lived
with his father, an old ' hard-shell' Baptist preacher j
62
HOW SIMON SUGGS "RAISED JACK." 63
who, though very pious and remarkably austere, was
very avaricious. The old man reared his boys or
endeavoured to do so according to the strictest requi
sition of the moral law. But he lived, at the time to
which we refer, in Middle Georgia, which was then
newly settled ; and Simon, whose wits from the time
lie was a " shirt-tail boy," were always too sharp for
his father's, contrived to contract all the coarse vices
incident to such a region. He stole his mother's roost
ers to fight them at Bob Smith's grocery, and his
father's plough-horses to enter them in "quarter"
matches at the same place. He pitched dollars with
Bob Smith himself, and could " beat him into doll
rags" whenever it came to a measurement. To crown
his accomplishment, Simon was tip-top at the game of
" old sledge," which was the fashionable game of that
era ; and was early initiated in the mystery of " stocking
the papers." The vicious habits of Simon were, of
course, a sore trouble to his father, Elder Jedediah.
He reasoned, he counselled, he remonstrated, he lash
ed but Simon was an incorrigible, irreclaimable devil.
One day the simple-minded old man came rather
unexpectedly to the field where he had left Simon and
Ben, and a negro boy named Bill, at work. Ben was
still following his plough, but Simon and Bill were in
a fence-corner very earnestly engaged at " seven up."
Of course the game was instantly suspended, as soon
as they spied the old man sixty or seventy yards off,
striding towards them.
It was evidently a " gone case" with Simon and
Bill ; but our hero determined to make the best of it.
64 HOW SIMON SUGGS
Putting the cards into one pocket, he coolly picked up
the small coins which constituted the stake, and fobhed
them in the other, remarking, " Well, Bill, this game's
blocked ; we'd as well quit."
" But, massa Simon," remarked the boy, " half dat
money's mine. An't you gwine to lemme hab 'em?"
" Oh never mind the money, Bill ; the old man's
going to take the bark off of both of us and besides,
with the hand I helt when we quit, I should 'a beat you
and won it all any way."
" Well, but, massa Simon, we nebber finish de game,
and de rule"
" Go to an orful h 1 with your rule," said the im
patient Simon "don't you see daddy's right down upon
us, with an armful of hickories ? I tell you I hilt
nothin' but trumps, and could 'a beat the horns off of
a billy-goat. Don't that satisfy you? Somehow or
nother you'r d d hard to please !" About this time a
thought struck Simon, and in a low tone for by this
time the Reverend Jedediah was close at hand he con
tinued, " but may be daddy don't know, right down sure,
what we've been doin'. Let's try him with a lie twon't
hurt no way let's tell him we've been playin' mumble-
Peg-"
Bill was perforce compelled to submit to this in
equitable adjustment of his claim of a share of the
stakes ; and of course agreed to the game of mumble-
peg. All this was settled and a peg driven in the
ground, slyly and hurriedly between Simon's legs as
ne sat on the ground, just as the old man reached the
spot. He carried under his left arm several neatly-
" RAISED JACK." 65
trimmed sprouts of formidable length, while in his left
hand he held one which he was intently engaged in
divesting of its superfluous twigs.
" Soho ! youngsters ! you in the fence-corner, and
the crop in the grass ! what saith the Scriptur', Simon?
' Go to the ant, thou sluggard,' and so forth and so on.
What in the round creation of the yearth have you and
that nigger been a-doin' ?"
Bill shook with fear, but Simon was cool as a cucum
ber, and answered his father to the effect that they had
been wasting a little time in a game of mumble-peg.
" Mumble-peg ! mumble-peg !" repeated old Mr.
Suggs, " what's that ?"
Simon explained the process of rooting for the peg ;
how the operator got upon his knees, keeping his arms
stiff by his side, leaned forward and extracted the peg
with his teeth.
" So you git upon your knees, do you, to pull up that
nasty little stick ! you'd better git upon 'em to ask
mercy for your sinful souls, and for a dyin' world. But
lei's see one o' you git the peg up now."
The first impulse of our hero was to volunteer to
gratify the curiosity of his worthy sire, but a glance at
the old man's countenance changed his " notion," and
he remarked that " Bill was a long ways the best hand."
Bill, who did not deem Simon's modesty an omen fa
vourable to himself, was inclined to reciprocate com
pliments with his young master ; but a gesture of im
patience from the old man set him instantly upon his
knees ; and, bending forward, he essayed to lay hold
with his teeth, of the peg, which Simon, just at that
66 HOW SIM ON SUGGS
moment, very wickedly pushed half an inch further
down. Just as the breeches and hide of the boy were
stretched to the uttermost, old Mr. Suggs brought down
his longest hickory, with both hands, upon the precise
spot where the tension was greatest. With a loud yell,
Bill plunged forward, upsetting Simon, and rolled in the
grass, rubbing the castigated part with fearful energy.
Simon, though overthrown, was unhurt ; and he was
mentally complimenting himself upon the sagacity
which had prevented his illustrating the game of mum
ble-peg, for the paternal amusement, when his attention
was arrested by that worthy person's stooping to pick
up something what is it ? a card upon which Simon
had been sitting, and which, therefore, had not gone
with the rest of the pack into his pocket. The simple
Mr. Suggs had only a vague idea of the pasteboard
abomination called cards ; and though he decidedly in
clined to the opinion that this was one, he was by no
means certain of the fact. Had Simon known this, he
would certainly have escaped ; but he did not. His
father, assuming the look of extreme sapiency which is
always worn by the interrogator who does not desire 01
expect to increase his knowledge by his questions, asked,
" What's this, Simon ?"
" The Jack a-dimunts," promptly responded Simon,
who gave up all as lost after this faux pas.
"What was it doin' down thar, Simon, my sonny?"
continued Mr. Suggs, in an ironically affectionate tone*
of voice.
" I had it under my leg thar, to make it on Bill, the
first time it come trumps," was the ready reply.
1 So you git upon your knees, do you, to pull up that nasty little stick ; you'd better
git upon 'em to ask mercy for your sinful souls, and for a dyin' world." Page 65.
"RAISED JACK." 69
"What's trumps?" asked Mr. Suggs, with a view
of arriving at the import of the word.
" Nothin' a'nt trumps now," said Simon, who misap
prehended his father's meaning " but clubs was, when
you come along and busted up the game."
A part of this answer was Greek to the Reverend
Mr. Suggs, but a portion of it was full of meaning.
They had, then, most unquestionably been " throwing"
cards, the scoundrels ! the " oudacious" little hellions !
" To the ' Mulberry,' with both on ye ! in a hurry,"
said the old man, sternly. But the lads were not dis
posed to be in a " hurry," for " the Mulberry" was the
scene of all formal punishment administered during
work hours in the field. Simon followed his father,
however ; but made, as he went along, all manner of
" faces" at the old man's back ; gesticulated as if he
were going to strike him between the shoulders with
his fists ; and kicking at him so as almost to touch his
coat tail with his shoe. In this style they walked on to
the mulberry tree, in whose shade Simon's brother Ben
was resting.
It must not be supposed that, during the walk to the
place of punishment, Simon's mind was either inactive,
or engaged in suggesting the grimaces and contortions
wherewith he was pantomimically expressing his irre
verent sentiments towards his father. Far from it.
The movements of his limbs and features were the
mere workings of habit the self-grinding of the cor
poreal machine for which his reasoning half was only
remotely responsible. For while Simon's person was
thus, on its own account, " making game" of old Jede-
50 HOW SIMON SUGGS
diah, his wits, in view of the anticipated flogging, were
dashing, springing, bounding, darting about, in hot
chase of some expedient suitable to the necessities of
the case much after the manner in which puss, wbei*
' Betty, armed with the broom, and hotly seeking ven
geance for the pantry robbed or room defiled, has closed
upon her the garret doors and windows, attempts all
sorts of impossible exits, comes down at last in the
corner, with panting side and glaring eye, exhausted
and defenceless. Our unfortunate hero could devise
nothing by which he could reasonably expect to escape
the heavy blows of his father. Having arrived at this
conclusion and the " Mulberry" about the same time,
he stood with a dogged look, awaiting the issue.
The old man Suggs made no remark to any one
while he was seizing up Bill a process which, though
by no means novel to Simon, seemed to excite in him
a sort of painful interest. He watched it closely, as if
to learn the precise fashion of his father's knot ; and
when at last Bill was strung up a-tiptoe to a limb, and
the whipping commenced, Simon's eye followed every
movement of his father's arm ; and as each blow de
scended upon the bare shoulders of his sable friend, his
own body writhed and " wriggled" in involuntary sym
pathy.
" It's the devil ! it's hell," said Simon to himself,
" to take such a wallopin' as that. Why the old man
looks like he wants to git to the holler, if he could rot
his picter ! It's wuth, at the least, fifty cents je-e-
miny, how that hurt ! yes, it's wuth three-quarters of
a dollar, to take that 'ere lickin' ! Wonder if I'm
"RAISED JACK." 71
' predestinated,' as old Jed'diah says, to get the fellei
to it ? Lord, how daddy blows ! I do wish to God he'd
bust right open, the darn'd old deer-face ! If 'twa'n't
for Ben helpin' him, I b'lieve I'd give the old dog a
tussel when it comes for my turn. It couldn't make
the thing no wuss, if it didn't make it no better. 'Drot
it ! what do boys have daddies for, any how ? 'Taint
for nuthin' but jist to beat 'em and work 'em. There's
some use in mammies I kin poke my finger right in
the old 'oman's eye, and keep it thar, and if I say it
aint thar, she'll say 'taint thar, too. I wish she was
here to hold daddy off. If 'twa'n't so fur, I'd holler
for her, any how. How she would cling to the old fel
ler's coat tail!"
Mr. Jedediah Suggs let down Bill, and untied him.
Approaching Simon, whose coat was off, "Come, Si
mon, son," said he, " cross them hands, I'm gwine to
correct you."
" It aint no use, daddy," said Simon.
" Why so, Simon ?"
"Just bekase it aint. I'm gwine to play cards as
long as I live. When I go off to myself, I'm gwine to
make my livin' by it. So what's the use of beatin' me
about it ?"
Old Mr. Suggs groaned, as he was wont to do in the
pulpit, at this display of Simon's viciousness.
" Simon," said he, " you're a poor ignunt creetur.
You don't know nothin' and you've never been no whars
If I was to turn you off, you'd starve in a week"
"I wish you'd try me," said Simon, "and jist see
I'd win more money in a week than you can make in
7Z HOW SIMON SUGGS
a year. There aint nobody round here kin make seed
corn off o' me at cards. I'm rale smart," he added,
with great emphasis.
" Simon ! Simon ! you poor unletered fool. Don't
you know that all card-players and chicken-fighters,
and horse-racers, go to hell ? You crack-brained crea
tur' you. And don't you know that them that play
cards always lose their money, and"
" Who wins it all then, daddy ?" asked Simon.
" Shet your mouth, you imperdent, slack-jaw'd dog.
Your daddy's a-tryin' to give you some good advice,
and you a-pickin' up his words that way. I know'd a
young man once, when I lived in Ogletharp, as went
down to Augusty and sold a hundred dollars' worth of
cotton for his daddy, and some o' them gambollers got
him to drinkin', and the very first night he was with 'em
they got every cent of his money."
" They couldn't git my money in a week" said Si
mon. " Any body can git these here green fellows'
money ; them's the sort I'm a-gwine to watch for, my
self. Here's what kin fix the papers jist about as nice
as any body."
" Well, it's no use to argify about the matter," said
old Jedediah ; " What saith the scriptur' ? ' He that be-
getteth a fool, doeth it to his sorrow.' Hence, Simon,
you're a poor, miserable fool ! so, cross your hands!"
" You'd jist as well not, daddy. I tell you I'm gwine
to follow playin' cards for a livin', and what's the use
o' bangin' a feller about it ? I'm as smart as any of
'em, and Bob Smith says them Augusty fellers can't
make rent off* o' me."
"RAISED JACK." 73
The Reverend Mr. Suggs had, once in his life, gone
to Augusta ; an extent of travel which in those days
was a little unusual. His consideration among his neigh
bours was considerably increased by the circumstance,
as he had all the benefit of the popular inference, that
no man could visit the city of Augusta without acquir
ing a vast superiority over all his untravelled neigh
bours, in every department of human knowledge. Mr.
Suggs, then, very naturally felt ineffably indignant that
an individual who had never seen a collection of human
habitations larger than a log-house village an indivi
dual, in short, no other or better than Bob Smith
should venture to express an opinion concerning the
manners, customs, or any thing else appertaining to,
or in any wise connected with, the ultima thvle of
back-woods Georgians. There were two propositions
which witnessed their own truth to the mind of Mr.
Suggs the one was, that a man who had never been
at Augusta, could not know any thing about that city,
or any place or thing else ; the other, that one who had
been there must, of necessity, be not only well inform
ed as to all things connected with the city itself, but
perfectly au fait upon all subjects whatsoever. It was
therefore in a tone of mingled indignation and con
tempt that he replied to the last remark of Simon.
" Bob Smith says does he ? And who's Bob Smith'?
Much does Bob Smith know about Augusty ! he's been
thar, I reckon ! Slipped off yarly some mornin' when
nobody warn't noticin', and got back afore night . It's
only a hundred and fifty mile. Oh yes, Bob Smith
knows all about it ! / don't know nothin' about U ! J
E
74 HOW SIMON SUGGS
a'n't never been to Augusty / couldn't find the road
thar, I reckon, ha ! ha ! Bob Smi ih ! The eternal
stink ! if he was only to see one o' them fine gentle
men in Augusty, with his fine broad-cloth and bell-
crown hat, and shoe-boots a-shinin' like silver, he'd take
to the woods and kill himself a-runnin'. Bob Smith !
that's whar all your devilment comes from, Simon."
" Bob Smith's as good as any body else, I judge ;
and a heap smarter than some. He showed me how
to cut Jack," continued Simon, " and that's more than
some people can do if they have been to Augusty."
" If Bob Smith kin do it," said the old man, " I kin
too. I don't know it by that name ; but if it's book
knowledge or plain sense, and Bob kin do it, it's rea
sonable to s'pose that old Jed'diah Suggs won't be
bothered bad. Is it any ways similyar to the rule
of three, Simon?"
" Pretty much, daddy, but not adzactly," said Si
mon, drawing a pack from his pocket to explain.
" Now daddy," he proceeded, " you see these here four
cards is what we call the Jacks. Well, now, the idee
is, if you'll take the pack and mix 'em all up together,
I'll take off a passel from top, and the bottom one of
them I take off will be one of the Jacks."
" Me to mix em fust ?" said Jedediah.
" Yes."
" And you not to see but the back of the top one,
when you go to ' cut,' as you call it ?"
" Jist so, daddy."
" And the backs all jist as like as kin be ?" said the
senior Suggs, examining the cards
"RAISED JACK." 75
" More like nor cow-peas," said Simon.
" It can't be done, Simon," observed the old man,
with great solemnity.
" Bob Smith kin do it, and so kin I."
" It's agin nater, Simon ; thar a'n't a man in Au-
gusty, nor on the top of the yearth, that kin do it !"
"Daddy," said our hero, "ef you'll bet me"
"What!" thundered old Mr. Suggs, "bet, did you
say?" and he came down with a scorer across Simon's
shoulders "me, Jed'diah Suggs, that's been in the
Lord's sarvice these twenty years me bet, you nasty,
sassy, triflin', ugly"
" I didn't go to say that, daddy ; that warn't what I
ment, adzactly. I ment to say that ef you'd let me off
from this here maulin' you owe me, and give me ' Bunch'
ef I cut Jack, I'd give you all this here silver, ef I did'nt
that's all. To be sure, I allers knowd you wouldn't
bet."
Old Mr. Suggs ascertained the exact amount of the
silver which his son handed him, in an old leathern
pouch, for inspection. He also, mentally, compared
that sum with an imaginary one, the supposed value of
a certain Indian pony, called " Bunch," which he had
bought for his "old woman's" Sunday riding, and
which had sent the old lady into a fence-corner, the
first and only time she had ever mounted him. As
he weighed the pouch of silver in his hand, Mr. Suggs
also endeavoured to analyze the character of the trans
action proposed by Simon. " It sartinly can't be nothin'
but giviri 1 , no way it kin be twisted," he murmured to
himself. " I know he can't do it, so there's no resk.
41
76 HOW SIMON SUGGS
What makes bettin'? The resk. It's a one-sided
business, and I'll jist let him give me all his money,
and that'll put all his wild sportin' notions out of his
head."
" Will you stand it, daddy ?" asked Simon, by way
of waking the old man up. " You mought as well, for
the whippin' won't do you no good ; and as for Bunch,
nobody about the plantation won't ride him, but me."
" Simon," replied the old man, " I agree to it. Your
old daddy is in a close place about payin' for his land ;
and this here money it's jist eleven dollars, lacking of
twenty-five cents will help out mightily. But mind,
Simon, ef any thing's said about this, hereafter, re
member, you give me the money."
" Very well, daddy, and ef the thing works up instid
o' down, I 'spose we'll say you give me Bunch eh ?"
" You won't never be troubled to tell how you come
by Bunch ; the thing's agin natur, and can't be done.
What old Jed'diah Suggs knows, he knows as good as
anybody. Give me them fixaments, Simon."
Our hero handed the cards to his father, who, drop
ping the plough-line with which he had intended to tie
Simon's hands, turned his back to that individual, in
order to prevent his witnessing the operation of mixing.
He then sat down, and very leisurely commenced shuf
fling the cards, making, however, an exceedingly awk
ward job of it. Restive kings and queens jumped from
his hands, or obstinately refused to slide into the com
pany of the rest of the pack. Occasionally, a sprightly
knave would insist on facing his neighbour ; or, press
ing his edge against another's, half double himself up,
"RAISED JACK." 77
and then skip away. But Elder Jedediah perseveringly
continued his attempts to subdue the refractory, while
heavy drops burst from his forehead, and ran down his
cheeks. All of a sudden, an idea, quick and penetrat
ing as a rifle-ball, seemed to have entered the cranium
of the old man. He chuckled audibly. The devil had
suggested to Mr. Suggs an impromptu " stock," which
would place the chances of Simon already sufficiently
slim in the old man's opinion without the range of
possibility. Mr. Suggs forthwith proceeded to cull out
all the picter cards so as to be certain to include the
jacks and place them at the bottom ; with the evident
intention of keeping Simon's fingers above these when
he should cut. Our hero, who was quietly looking over
his father's shoulders all the time, did not seem alarmed
by this disposition of the cards ; on the contrary, he
smiled as if he felt perfectly confident of success, in
spite of it.
" Now, daddy," said Simon, when his father had
announced himself ready, " narry one of us aint got to
look at the cards, while I'm a cuttin' ; if we do, it'll
spile the conjuration."
" Very well."
" And another thing you've got to look me right
dead in the eye, daddy will you ?"
" To be sure to be sure," said Mr. Suggs ; " fire
away."
Simon walked up close to his father, and placed his
hand on the pack. Old Mr. Suggs looked in Simon's
eye, and Simon returned the look for about three
seconds, during which a close observer might have
78 HOW SIMON SUGGS
detected a suspicious working of the wrist of the hand
on the cards, but the elder Suggs did not remark it.
" Wake snakes ! day's a breakin' ! Rise Jack !" said
Simon, cutting half a dozen cards from the top of the
pack, and presenting the face of the bottom one for the
inspection of his father.
It was the Jack of Hearts !
Old Mr. Suggs staggered back several steps, with
uplifted eyes and hands !
" Marciful master !" he exclaimed, " ef the boy haint !
well, how in the round creation of the ! Ben did
you ever ! to be sure and sartin, Satan has power on
this yearth!" and Mr. Suggs groaned in heavy bitter
ness.
" You never seed nothin' like that in Augusty, did
ye, daddy ?" asked Simon, with a malicious wink at Ben.
" Simon, how did you do it ?" queried the old man,
without noticing his son's question.
"Do it, daddy? Do it? 'Taint nothin'. I done it
jest as easy as shootin'."
Whether this explanation was entirely, or in any
degree, satisfactory to the perplexed mind of the elder
Jedediah Suggs, cannot, after the lapse of time which
has intervened, be sufficiently ascertained. It is cer
tain, however, that he pressed the investigation no far
ther, but merely requested his son Benjamin to witness
the fact that, in consideration of his love and affection
for his son Simon, and in order to furnish the donee
with the means of leaving that portion of the state of
Georgia, ne bestowed upon him the impracticable poney,
" Bunch.'
"RAISED JACK." 79
"Jist so, daddy; jist so; I'll witness that. But it
'minds me mightily of the way mammy give old Trailler
the side of bacon, last week. She was a-sweepin' up the
hath the meat on the table ; old Trailler jumps up,
gathers the bacon and darts ; mammy arter him with
the broomstick as fur as the door, but seein' the dog has
got the start, she shakes the stick at him, and hollers,
' You sassy aig-sukkin', roguish, gnatty, flop-eared var
mint, take it along, take it along ! I only wish 'twas
full of a'snic and ox vomit and blue vitrul, so as t'would
cut your intrils into chitlins !' That's about the way you
give Bunch to Simon."
It was evident to our hero that his father intended
he should remain but one more night beneath the pa
ternal roof. What mattered it to Simon?
He went home at night, curried and fed Bunch;
whispered confidentially in his ear, that he was the
"fastest piece of hoss-flesh, accordin' to size, that ever
shaded the y earth ;" and then busied himself in prepar
ing for an early start on the morrow.
SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE,
A STORY OF ILLINOIS BY A MISSOURIAN.
We should hate to bet " Straws" that J. M. Field, the principal editor
of the St. Louis " Reville," was not the writer of the following story.
Unlike his late brother " Poor Mat" better known as " Phazma"
who recently died at sea, our friend " Joe" is full of fun and frolic,
and ready to " go at any thing in the ring from pitch-and-toss to
manslaughter !" When he became an editor by profession, the stage
sustained a material loss. He was indeed one of " the best actors in
the world, either for tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-
comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-his
torical-pastoral, scene undividable, or poem unlimited." For several
years he has been a contributor to the periodical press ; but quite re
cently he has embarked in the enterprise of a new daily journal at
St. Louis, which appears to have succeeded almost beyond his hopes.
The annexed sketch is " a taste of the quality" of the " Revill6"
and himself.
AT a late hour, the other night, the door of an oyster
house in our city was thrust open, and in stalked a hero
from the Sucker state. He was quite six feet high,
spare, somewhat stooped, with a hungry, anxious coun
tenance, and his hands pushed clear down to the bot
tom of his breeches pockets. His outer covering was
hard to define, but after surveying it minutely, we
came to the conclusion that his suit had been made in
his boyhood, of a dingy yellow linsey-wolsey, and that,
having sprouted up with astonishing rapidity, he had
80
SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE. 81
been forced to piece it out with all colours, in order to
keep pace with his body. In spite of his exertions,
however, he had fallen in arrears about a foot of the
necessary length, and, consequently, stuck that far
through his inexpressibles. His crop of hair was sur
mounted by the funniest little seal-skin cap imaginable.
After taking a position, he indulged in a long stare at
the man opening the bivalves, and slowly ejaculated
" isters ?"
" Yes, sir," responded the attentive operator, " and
fine ones they are, too."
" Well, I've heard of isters afore," says he, " but
this is the fust time I've seed 'm, and pre-haps I'll know
what thar made of afore I git out of town.
Having expressed this desperate intention, he cau
tiously approached the plate and scrutinized the un
cased shell-fish with a gravity and interest which would
have done honour to the most illustrious searcher into
the hidden mysteries of nature. At length he began to
soliloquize on the difficulty of getting them out, and
how queer they looked when out.
"I never seed any thin' hold on so takes an amazin'
site of screwin, hoss, to get 'em out, and aint they slick
and slip'ry when they does come ? Smooth as an eel !
I've a good mind to "give that feller lodgin', jist to
realize the effects, as uncle Jess used to say about
speckalation."
" Well, sir," was the reply, " down with two bits,
and you can have a dozen."
"Two bits!" exclaimed the Sucker, "now come
that's stickin' it on rite strong, hoss, for isters. A dozen
82 SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE.
on 'em aint nothin' to a chicken, and there's no gettin'
more'n a picayune a piece for them. I've only realized
forty-five picayunes on my first ventur' to St. Louis.
I'll tell you what, I'll gin you two chickens for a dozen,
if you'll conclude to deal."
A wag, who was standing by indulging in a dozen,
winked to the attendant to shell out, and the offer was
accepted.
" Now mind," repeated the Sucker, " all fair two
chickens for a dozen you're a witness, mister," turn
ing at the same time to the wag ; " none of your tricks,
for I've heard that your city fellers are mity slip'ry
coons."
The bargain being fairly understood, our Sucker
squared himself for the onset ; deliberately put off his
seal-skin, tucked up his sleeves, and, fork in hand,
awaited the appearance of No. 1. It came he saw
and quickly it was bolted ! A moment's dreadful pause
ensued. The wag dropped his knife and fork with a
look of mingled amazement and horror something
akin to Shakspeare's Hamlet on seeing his daddy's
ghost while he burst into the exclamation
" Swallowed alive, as I'm a Christian!"
Our Sucker hero had opened his mouth with pleasure
a moment before, but now it stood open. Fear a
horrid dread of he didn't know what a consciousness
that all was'nt right, and ignorant of the extent of the
wrong the uncertainty of the moment was terrible.
Urged to desperation, he faultered out
" What on earth's the row?"
" Did you swallow it alive ?" inquired the wag.
"0 gracious! what'll I do! it's got hold of my innards already, and I'm dead M
a chicken ! do somethin' for me, do don't let the internal sea-toad eat me afore
your eyes." Page 85.
SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE. 85
"I swallowed it jest as he gin it to me !" shouted the
Sucker.
" You're a dead man !" exclaimed his anxious friend,
" the creature is alive, and will eat right through you,"
added he, in a most hopeless tone.
"Get a pizen pump and pump it out!" screamed
the Sucker, in a frenzy, his eyes fairly starting from
their sockets. " O gracious ! what'ill I do ? It's got
holds of my innards already, and I'm dead as a chick
en ! do somethin' for me, do don't let the infernal
sea-toad eat me afore your eyes."
" Why don't you put some of this on it ?" inquired
the wag, pointing to a bottle of strong pepper-sauce.
The hint was enough the Sucker, upon the instant,
seized the bottle, and desperately wrenching out the
cork, swallowed half the contents at a draught. He
fairly squealed from its effects, and gasped and blowed,
and pitched, and twisted, as if it were coursing through
him with electric effect, while at the same time his
eyes ran a stream of tears. At length becoming a lit
tle composed, his waggish adviser approached, almost
bursting with suppressed laughter, and inquired,
" How are you now old fellow did you kill it ?"
" Well, I did, hoss' ugh, ugh o-o-o my inards. If
that ister critter's dyin' agonies didn't stir a 'ruption
in me equal to a small arthquake, then 'taint no use
sayin' it it squirmed like a sarpent, when that killin'
stuff touched it; hu' and here with a countenance
made up of suppressed agony and present determina
tion, he paused to give force to his words, and slowly
86 SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE.
and deliberately remarked, "If you git two chickens
from me for that live animal, I'm d d!" and seizing
his seal-skin he vanished.
The shout of laughter, and the contortions of the
company at this finale, would have made a spectator
believe that they had all been swallowing oysters alive.
A TEXAN JOKER
"IN A TIGHT PLACE."
Some three or four years since there was a newspaper published in the
city of Houston, yclept " The Texas Morning Star." To the best
of our knowledge and belief we have neither seen it nor its editor,
but we would walk five miles to shake hands with the writer of the
following sketch of " Aquatic Scenery." As Kendall, the well
known co-editor of the New-Orleans " Picayune" was in Texas at
the time, making arrangements for the Santa Fe Expedition, we
should be willing to take long odds he could tell us somthing about
its authorship.
DURING the utmost severity of the late storm we
took a lounge down to the steamboat landing. While
standing on the brink of a deep gully that emptied its
torrent of water into the bayou, our attention was at
tracted to the bottom of the gully, where a drunken
loafer was stemming the torrent, holding on to a root
fast anchored in the bank. The poor fellow, not know
ing any on'e was near him, was combating his fate
manfully, and in calculating his chance of escape, gave
utterance to the following :
" Haynt this a orful sitivation to be placed in, nohow?
If I wos a steamboat, a rail, or a woodpile, I'd be
better worth fifty cents on the dollar than I'll ever be
agin. Unless I'm a gone case now, there haynt no
87
88 A fcEXAN JOKER
truth in frenology. I've weighed all the chances now
like a gineral, and find only two that bears in my fa
vour ; the first is a skunk-hole to crawl into, and the
second a special interpersition of Providence ; and the
best chance of the two is so slim, if I only had the
change, I'd give a premium for the skunk-hole them's
my sentiments. If I could be a mink, a muskrat, or a
water snake for about two months, prehaps I wouldn't
mount the first stump t'other side of the Bio, and flap
my wings, and crow over everlastin' life, scientifically
preservated. But what's the use holdin' on this root ?
there haynt no skunk hole in these 'ere diggins; the
water is gitting taller about a feet, and if my nose was
as long as kingdom come, it wouldn't stick out much
longer. Oh, Jerry ! Jerry ! you're a gone sucker, and
I guess your marm don't know you're out ; poor wo
man ! won't she cry the glasses out of her spectacles
when she hears her darlin' Jerry has got the whole of
Bufferlo Bio for his coffin ? What a pity 'tis some
philanthropis, or member of the humane society, never
had foresight enough to build a house over this gutter,
with a steam engine to keep out the water ! If they'd
done it in time, they might have had the honour and
gratification of saving the life of a feller being ; but it's
all day with you, Jerry, and a big harbour to cast an
chor in. It's too bad to go off in this orful manner,
when they knows I oilers hated water ever since I was
big enough to know 'twant whiskey. I feel the root
givin' way, and since I don't know a prayer, here's a
bit of Watts' Doxologer, to prove I died a Christian:
"IN A TIGHT PLACE." 89
" ' On the bank where droop'd the wilier,
Long time ago/ "
Before Jerry got to the conclusion, he was washed
into the bayou, within a few feet of a large flat that had
iust started for the steamboat ; his eye caught the
prospect of deliverance, and he changed the burden of
his dirge into a thrilling cry of" Heave to ! passenger
overboard and sinkin', with a belt full of specie ! the
man what saves me makes his fortin!" Jerry was
fished up by a darkey ! and to show his gratitude, in
vited Quashey " to go up to the doggery and liquor."
BILLY WAHRICK'S
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING,
A STORY OF "THE OLD NORTH STATE" BY A COUNTY COURT LAWYER.
Within a hundred miles of Fayetteville, North Carolina, resides one of
the most eminent members of the bar the "Tar River country" boasts
of. Further, of his identity, "this deponent saith not." Those who
have lingered over " A Trip to County Court, by a North Carolina
Lawyer," which has gone the rounds of the press, will be somewhat
surprised to learn that the " Spirit of the Times" was indebted to the
same pen for that masterly sketch, and the following amusing story.
CHAPTER I.
CK IN DISTRESS.
PINEY BOTTOM, in Old North State, Jinuary this 4, 1844.
MR. PORTER SIR : Bein' in grate distrest, I didn't
inow what to do, till one of the lawyers councilled me
to tell you all about it, and git your apinion. You see
I are a bin sparkin' over to one of our nabors a cortin
of Miss Barbry Bass, nigh upon these six munse. So
t'other nite I puts on my stork that cum up so high that
I look'd like our Kurnel paradin of the milertary on
Ginral Muster, tryin' to look over old Snap's years
he holds sich a high hed when he knows that he's got
on his holdsturs and pistuls and his trowsen and sich
90
BILLY WARRICK'S COURTSHIP. 91
like, for he's a mity proud hoss. I had on a linun shurt
koller starched stif that cum up monstrus high rite un
der my years, so that evry time I turn'd my hed it putty
nigh savv'd off my years, and they are so sore that I
had to put on sum Gray's intment, which dravv'd so
hard, that if I hadn't wash'd it in sopesuds I do bleve
it would a draw'd out my branes. I put on my new
briches that is new fashon'd and opens down before,
and it tuck me nigh on a quarter of a houre to butten
em, and they had straps so tite I could hardly bend my
kneas I had on my new wastecoat and a dicky bus-
sam with ruffles on each side, and my white hat. I
had to be perticlar nice in spittin' my terbaccer juce,
for my stork were so high I had to jerk back my head
like you have seed one of them Snapjack bugs. Con-
sidrin' my wiskurs hadn't grow'd out long enuff, as I
were conceety to think that I look'd middlin' peart, and
my old nigger 'oman Venus said I look'd nice enuff for
a Bryde.
It tuck one bale of good cotting and six bushils of
peese to pay for my close. Dod drot it, it went sorter
hard ; but when I tho't how putty she did look last
singin' school day, with her eyes as blue as indiger,
and her teath white as milk, and sich long curlin' hare
hanjrin' clear down to her belt ribbun, and sich butiful
O
rosy cheaks, and lips as red as a cock Red-burd in snow
time, and how she squeased my hand when I gin her a
oringe that I gin six cents for I didn't grudge the
price.
Mr. Porter when I got to old Miss Basses bars,
jist after nite, sich streaks and cold fits cum over me
92 BILLY WARRICK'S
\vorse than a feller with the Buck agur, the furst time
he goes to shute at a dear. My kneas got to trimblin',
and I could hardly holler "get out" to Miss Basses son
Siah's Dog, old Troup, who didn't know mo in my new
geer, and cum out like all creashun a barkin' amazin'.
Ses I to myself, ses I, what a fool you is and then I
thort what Squire Britt's nigger man Tony, who went
to town last week, told me about a taler there, who sed
that jist as soon he got thru a makin' a sute of close
for a member of assembly to go to Rawley in, he
'spected to come out a cortin' of Miss Barbry. This
sorter rased my dander for he's shockin' likely, with
black wiskurs 'cept he's nock-nead with his hare all
comded to one side like the Chapel Hill boys and law
yers. Then I went in, and after howdy'ing and shakin'
hands, and sorter squeasin' of Barbry's, I sot down.
There was old Miss Bass, Barbry and Siah Bass, her
brother, a monstrus hand at possums old Kurnel
Hard, a goin to cort and stopp'd short to rite old Miss
Basses will, with Squire Britt and one of the nabors to
witness it all rite and strate. This kinder shock'd me
till Kurnel Hard, a mighty perlite man, sed ses he,
" Mr. Warrick, you are a lookin' oncommon smart."
"Yes," ses I, "Kurnel, (a sorter cuttin' my eye at
Barbry) middlin' well in body but in mind" " Ah, I
see," ses he, (cuttin' of my discoorse) " I understand
that you are" (Mr. Porter, I forget the Dixonary
words he sed but it were that I were in love. If you
could have s-eed my face and felt it burne, you would a
tho't that you had the billyous fever and as for Bar
bry, now want she red as a turkey cock's gills and
" Then she tuck up her pipe and went to smokin' the way she rowl'd the mok
out was astonwhin'." Pa0 93.
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 93
she gump'd up and said, "Ma'am," and run outer the
room, tho' nobody on yearth that I heerd on called her
and then I heerd Polly Cox 'drot her pictur ! who
is hired to weeve a sniggrin at me. Arter a while,
Squire Britt and the nabor went off and Siah ho went
a Coonin' of it with his dogs, but driv old Troup back,
for he's deth on Rabbits and old Miss Bass went out,
and Kurnal Hard, arter taken a drink outen his cheer
box, he got behin' the door and shuck'd himself and
got into one of the beds in the fur eend of the room.
Arter a while, old Miss Bass cum back, and sot in the
chimbly corner and tuck off her shoes and then tuck
up her pipe and went to smokin' the way she rowl'd
the smoke out was astonishin' and evry now and then
she struck her head and sorter gron'd like what it
were at I don't know, 'cept she were bother'd 'bout her
consarns or thinkin' bout her will which she had jist
sined. Bimeby Barbry cum back, and sot on a cheer
clost by me. She was a workin' of a border that look
ed mity fine. Ses I, " Miss Barbry, what is that that
you're seamstring so plagy putty?" Ses she, " it teent
nothin'." Up hollered old Miss Bass, " Why," ses she,
" Mr. Warrick, it's a nite cap, and what on the Lord's
yearth young peple now a days works and laces and
befrils nite caps fur / can't tell it beets me bediz-
inin' out their heads when they're gwain to bed, just as
if any body but their own peple seed 'em ; and there's
young men with wiskurs on there upper lip, and briches
upenin' before it want so in my day but young peo
ple's got no sense bless the Lord oh-me" " Lord
mammy," ses Barbry, " do hush." Ses old Miss Bass,
42
94 BILLY WARRICK'S
" I shaant for its the nat'ral truth." I sorter look'd
at my briches and Mr. Porter, I were struck into a
heap for if two of my buttons want loose, so that one
could see the eend of my factry homespun shurt ! I
drap't my handkercher in my lap, and run my hand
down and hapen'd to button it putty slick but it gin
me sich a skeer I shall never ware another pare.
Miss Barbry then begun a talkin' with me 'bout the
fashuns, when I were in town, but old Miss Bass broke
in, and ses she, " Yes, they tells me that the gals in
town has injun rubber things blowed up and ties aroun'
there wastes, and makes 'em look bigger behin' than
afore for all the world like an 'oman was sorter in a
curous way behind." Thinks I, what's comin 1 next
when old Miss Bass, knockin' the ashes outer her pipe,
gethered up her shuse and went off. Then Barbry
blushed and begun talkin' bout the singin' meetin', and
kinder teched me up bout bein' fond of sparkin' Dicey
Loomis jist to see how I'd take it. " Well," ses I,
" she's bout the likeliest gal in this settlement, and I
rekon mity nigh the smartest they tells me she kin
spin more cuts in a day, and card her own rolls, and
danse harder and longer, and sing more songs outer
the Missunary Harmony, than any gal in the country."
You see Mr. Porter, I thot I'd size her pile. Ses
she sorter poutin' up and jist tossin her head " If
thems your sentiments, why don't you cort her for my
part I knows sevral young ladies that's jist as smart
and can sing as many songs and dance as well and
as for her bein' the prettiest Laws a Mersy ! sher
you shouldn't judge for me sposin' /was a man!"
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 95
I thot I'd come agin, but was sorter feard of runnin'
the thing in the groun'. Then I drawd up my cheer a
leetle closer, and were jist about to talk to the spot,
when I felt choky, and the trimbles tuck me uncommon
astonishin'. Ses Barbry, lookin' rite up in my face,
and 'sorter quivrinin her talk ses she, "Mr. Warrick,
goodness gracious, what does ale you ?" Ses I, hardly
abel to talk, " It's that drotted three day agur I cotch'd
last fall a clearin' in the new grouns I raly bleve it
will kill me, but it makes no odds, daddy and mammy
is both ded, and I'm the only one of six as is left, and
nobody would kear." Ses she lookin' rite mornful,
and holdin' down her lied " Billy, what does make you
talk so ? you auter know that there's one that would
kear and greve too." Ses I, peartin up, " I should like
to know if it ar an 'oman for if its any gal that's
spectable and creddittable, I could love her like all
creashun. Barbry," ses I, takin of her hand, " aint I
many a time, as I sot by the fire at home, all by my
lone self, aint I considerd how if I did have a good wife
how I could work for her, and do all I could for her,
and make her pleasant like and happy, and do evry
thing for her ?" Well, Barbry she look'd up to me,
and seemed so mornful and pale, and tears in her sweet
eyes, and pretendin' she didn't know I held her hand,
that I could not help sayin' " Barbry, if that sumbody
that keard was only you, I'd die for you, and be burryd
a dozen times." She trimbld, and look'd so pretty, and
sed nothin' I couldn't help kissin' her, and seem' she
didn't say " quit," I kissed her nigh on seven or eight
times; and as old Miss Bass had gone to bed, and Kur-
96 BILLY WARRICK'S
nel Hard was a snorin' away, I want perticillar, and I
spose I kissed her too loud, for jist as I kissed her the
last time, out hollered old Miss Bass,
" My lord ! Barbry, old Troup is in the milk-pan !
I heerd him smackin his lips a lickin of the milk.
Git out, you old varmint ! git out !" Seein' how the
gander hopped, I jumped up, and hollered " Git out,
Troup, you old raskel !" and opened the door to make
bleve I let him out. As for Barbry, she laffed till she
was nigh a bustin' a holdin' in, and run out ; and I
heerd Kurnel Hardy's bed a shakin' like he had my
three day agur. Well, I took tother bed, after havin'
to pull my britches over my shuse, for I couldn't unbut-
ten my straps.
Next mornin I got up airly, and Siah axed me to stay
to breakfast, but I had to feed an old cow at the free
pastur, and left. Jist as I got to the bars, I meets old
Miss Bass, and ses she, " Mr. Warrick, next time you
see a dog a lickin up milk, don't let him do it loud enuff
to wake up evry body in the house perticerlar when
there's a stranger bout." And Barbry sent me word
that she's so shamed that she never kin look me in the
face agin, and never to come no more.
Mr. Porter, what shall I do ? I feel oncommon sorry
and distrest. Do write me. I seed a letter from N. P.
Willis tother day in the Nashunal Intelligensur where
he sed he nad a hedake on the top of his pen ; I've got
it at both eends, for my hands is crampped a writin,
and my hart akes. Do write me what to do.
No more at pressence, but remane
WM. WARRICK.
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 97
CHAPTER II.
W A R R I C K IN LUCE.
" I'd orfen heerd it said ob late,
Dat Norf Carolina was de state,
Whar hansome boys am bound to slime,
Like Dandy Jim of de Caroline." Etc.
PINEY BOTTOM, in Old North State, March 21, this 1844.
MR. PORTER, I rode three mile evry Satterdy to git
a letter outer the Post Offis, spectin' as how you had
writ me a anser ; but I spose what with Pineter dogs,
and bosses, and Kricket, and Boxin', and Texas, Tre-
bla, and three Fannys, and Acorns, and Punch in per-
ticlar, you hain't had no time. I'm glad your Speerit
is revivin' ; so is mine, and, as the boy sed to his mam
my, I hopes to be better acquainted with you.
Well, I got so sick in my speerits and droopy like,
that I thot I should ev died stone ded, not seein' of
Barbry for three weeks. So one evenin' I went down,
spectin' as how old Miss Bass had gone to Sociashun,
for she's mity religus, and grones shockin' at prayers
to hear two prechers from the Sanwitch Hans, where
they tells me the peple all goes naked which is comi-
kil, as factry homespun is cheap, and could afford to
kiver themselves at nine cent a yard. When I went
in, there sot old Miss Bass and old Miss Collis a-
smokin' and chattin' amazin'. I do think old Miss
Collis beats all natur at smokin'.
Old Miss Collis had on her Sundy frock, and had it
draw'd up over her kneas to keep from skorchin', and
her pettykoats rased tolerble high as she sot over the
98 BILLY WARRICK'"
fire to be more comfortabler like, but when she seed
me she drop'd 'em down, and arter howd'ying and
civerlizin' each other I sot down, but being sorter flusti-
cated like, thinkin' of that skrape, last time I was here,
about old Troup lickin' of the milk, and my briches
that is open before comin' unbotten'd and showin' the
eend of my sheert, I didn't notis perticlar where I sot.
So I sot down in a cheer where Barbry had throw'd
down her work (when she seed me comin' at the bars)
and run and her nedle stuck shockin' in my into
me, and made me jump up oncomtnon and hollered !
I thought old Miss Collis woulder split wide open a
laffin', and old Miss Bass like to a busted, and axed my
parding for laffin', and I had to give in, but it was laffin'
on t'other side, and had to rub the place.
Arter a while we got done but it looked like I had
bad luck, for in sittin' down agin I lik'd to have sot on
Barbry's torn cat, which if I had, I shoulder bin like*
Kurnel Zip Coon's wife, who jump'd into a holler log
to mash two young panters to deth, and they scratched
her so bad she couldn't set down for two munse! I
seed this 'ere in a almynack. Old Miss Bass seein' I
was bothered, axed me to have a dram, but I thank'd
her, no.
Ses she, " Mr. Warrick, you ain't one of the Tem-
prite Siety ?"
Ses I, " No, but I hain't got no casion, at presence '"
Ses she, " You is welcome."
Well, we chatted on some time 'bout prechin, and
mumps, and the measly oitment, and Tyler gripes, and
Miss Collis she broke out and sod
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 99
" T never did hear the beat of them Tyler gripes ! I
have hearn talk of all sorter gripes, and dry gripes,
and always thought that the gripes was in the stomic,
before now, but bless your soul, Miss Bass, this here
gripes is in the hed ! I told my old man that no good
would come of 'lectin' Tyler, but poor old creeter, he's
sorter hard-headed, and got childish, and would do it.
O! me? well, we're all got to come to it and leve this
world ! Bless the Lord ! I hope I'm ready !"
And then she struck her hed, and spit out her ter-
baccer juce as slick as a Injun.
"That's a fact," ses old Miss Bass, " you're right,
Miss Collis ; old men gits uncommon stubborn ; a hard,
mity hard time, I had with my old man. But he's ded
and gone ! I hope he's happy !" and they both groan
ed and shet their eyes, and pucked up their mouths.
Ses she " He got mity rumitys and troubled me pow
erful, and the old creetur tuck astonishin' of dokter's
stuff, and aleckcampane and rose of sublimit but he
went at last ! The Lord's will be done ! Skat ! you
stinkin' hussy, and come out of that kibbard !" ses she
to the cat " I do think cats is abominable, and that
tom-cat of Barbry's is the 'scheviousest cat I ever did
see!"
Ses Miss Collis, " Cats is a pest, but a body can't do
well without 'em ; the mice would take the house bo
dily," ses she ; " Miss Bass, they tells me that Dicey
Loomis is a-gwying to be married her peple was in
town last week, and bort a power of things and arty-
fishals, and lofe sugar, and ribbuns, and cheese, and
sich like !"
100 BILLY WARRIOR'S
" Why," ses Miss Bass, " you don't tell me so ! Did
I ever hear the beat o' that ! Miss Collis, are it a
fact!"
" Yes," ses Miss Collis, " it's the nat'ral truth, for
brother Bounds tell'd it to me at last class meetin'."
Ses Miss Bass, hollerin' to Barbry in t'other room,
* Barbry, do you hear that Dicey Loomis is gwying to
git married ? Well ! well ! it beats me ! bless the
Lord ! I wonder who she's gwying to git married to,
Miss Collis?"
Ses Miss Collis, " Now, child, yure too hard for me ;
but they do say it's to that Taler from Town. Well,
he's a putty man, and had on such a nice dress 'cept
he's most too much nock nead, sick eyes and sick
whiskers, and now don't he play the fiddle ?"
Ses Miss Bass " Well, Dicey is a middlin' peart
gal, but for my part I don't see what the taler seed in
her."
" Nor I nuther," ses Miss Collis," but she's gwine to
do well. I couldn't a sed no if he'd a axed for our
Polly."
" Then in comes Barbry, and we how-dy'd and both
turned sorter red in the face, and I trimbl'd tolerable
and felt agurry. Well, arter we talk'd a spell, all of
us, Miss Bass got up and ses she, " Miss Collis I want
to show you a nice passel of chickens ; our old speckled
hen come off with eleven, yisterdy, as nice as ever
you did see."
Then old Miss Collis riz up, and puttin' her hands
on her hips, and stratened like, and ses, right quick
" Laws a massy ! my poor back ! Drat the rumatics !
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 101
It's powerful bad ; it's gwyne to rain, I know ! oh,
me ! me !" and they both went out. Then Barbry
look'd at me so comikil and sed, Billy, I raly shall die
thinkin' of you and old Troup !" and she throw'd her
self back and laffed and laffed ; and she look'd so putty
and so happy ses I to myself, " Billy Warrick, you
must marry that gal and no mistake, or brake a trace !"
and I swore to it.
Well, we then talk'd agreeable like, and sorter saft,
and both of us war so glad to see one another till old
Miss Bass and Miss Collis come back ; and bimeby
Miss Collises youngest son come for her, and I helped
her at the bars to get up behin' her son, and ses she,
" Good bye, Billy ! Good luck to you ! I know'd your
daddy and mammy afore you was born on yerth, and I
was the fust one after your granny that had you in the
arms me and Miss Bass talked it over! you'll git a
smart, peart, likely gal! So good bye, Billy !"
Ses I, " Good bye, Miss Collis," and ses I, " Gooly,
take good kear of your mammy, my son !" You see I
thot Fd be perlite.
Well, when I went back there sot old Miss Bass,
and ses she, " Billy ! Miss Collis and me is a bin talk-
in' over you and Barbry, and seein' you are a good
karickter and smart, and well to do in the world, and a
poor orphin boy, I shan't say no ! Take her, Billy, and
be good to her, and God bless you, my son, for I'm all
the mammy you've got !" so she kiss'd me, and ses
she, " now kiss Barbry. We've talk'd it over, and
leave us now for a spell, for it's hard to give up my
child!" So I kiss'd Barbry and left.
102 BILLY WARRIOR'S
The way I rode home was oncommon peart, and my
old mare pranced and was like the man in skriptur who
" waxed fat and kickd," and I hurried home to tell old
Venus, and to put up three shotes and some turkies to
fatten for the innfare. Mr. Porter, it's to be the third
Wensday in next month, and Barbry sends you a ticket
and if it's a boy, I shall name it arter you hopin'
you will put it in your paper that is, the weddin'.
So wishin' you a heap of subskribers, I remane in
good helth and speerits at presence.
Your Friend, WM. WARRICK.
CHAPTER III.
WARRICK'S WEDDING.
Described in a letter by an " old flame" of his.
To Miss Polly Stroud, nigh Noxvil in the State of Tennysee, clost by
where the French Broad and Holsin jines.
Piney Bottom, this July 9, of 1844.
Miss Polly Stroud dere maddam. I now take my
pen in hand of the presence oppertunity to let you know
how we are all well, but I am purry in sperits hopin
this few lines may find you the same by gods mercy as
I have been so mortyfide I could cry my eyes out bodily.
Bill Warrick, yes Bill Warrick, is married to Bar
bry Bass ! I seed it done a mean trifllin, deceevinist
creetur but never mind Didnt I know him when we
went to old field skool a little raggid orflin Boy, with
nobody to patch his close torn behin a makin of a
dicky-dicky- dout of himself cause his old nigger oman
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 103
Venus was too lazy to mend em ? Didnt I know him
when he couldnt make a pot hook or a hanger in his
copy book to save his life, as for makin of a S he al
ways put it tother way, jist so g backwards. And then
to say I were too old for him and that he always con
ceited I was a sort of a sister to him ! O Polly Stroud,
he is so likely, perticlar when he is dressed up of a
Sunday or a frolick and what is worser his wife is
prutty too, tho I dont acknowlige it here. Only too
think how I doated on him, how I used to save bosim
blossoms for him, which some people call sweet sentid
shrubs and how I used to put my hand in an pull them
out for him, and how I used to blush when he sed they
was sweeter for comin from where they did ? Who went
blackberryin and huckleberryin with me? who always
rode to preechun with me and helped me on the hos?
who made Pokebery stains in dimons and squares and
circles and harts and so on at quiltins for me ? and
talkin of Poke I do hope to fathers above that Poke
will beat Clay jist to spite Bill, for he is a rank dis
tracted Whig and secreterry to the Clay Club who
always threaded my nedle and has kissed me in perticler,
in playin of kneelin to the wittyist, bowin to the puttyist,
and kissin of them you love best, and playin Sister Feebe,
and Oats, Peas-Beans and Barly grows at least one
hundred times? Who wated as candil holder with me
at Tim Bolins weddin, and sed he knowd one in the
room hed heap rather marry, and looked at me so un
common, and his eyes so blue that I felt my face burn
for a quarter of a hour ? who I do say was it but Bill
Warrick yes, and a heap more. If I havent a grate
104 BILLY WARRICK'S
mind to sue him, and would do it, if it wasnt I am feared
bed show a Voluntine I writ to him Feberary a year
ago. He orter be exposed, for if ever he is a widderer
hell fool somebody else the same way he did me. Its
a burnin shame, I could hardly hold my head up at the
weddin. If I hadnt of bin so mad and too proude to
let him see it I could of cried severe.
Well, it was a nice weddin sich ice cakes and mi-
nicies and rasins and oringis and hams, flour doins and
chickin fixins, and four oncommon fattest big goblers
rosted I ever seed. The Bryde was dressed in a white
muslin figgured over a pink satin pettycote, with white
gloves and satin shoes, and her hair a curlin down with
a little rose in it, and a chain aroun her neck. I dont
know whether it was raal gool or plated. She looked
butiful, and Bill did look nice, and all the candydates
and two preechers and Col. Hard was there, and Bills
niggers, the likeliest nine of them you ever looked at,
and when I did look at em and think, I raly thought I
should or broke my heart. Well, sich kissin several
of the gals sed that there faces burnt like fire, for one
of the preechers and Col. Hard wosnt shaved clost.
Bimeby I was a sittin leanin back, and Bill he come
behin me and sorter jerked me back, and skeared me
powerful for fear I was fallin backwards, and I skreamed
and kicked up my feet before to ketch like, and if I
hadnt a had on pantalets I reckon somebody would of
knowd whether I gartered above my knees or not. We
had a right good laff on old Parson Brown as he got
through a marryin of em says he, "I pronounce you,
William Warrick and Barbry Bass, man and oman,"
COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 105
ho did look so when we laffed, and he rite quick sed
" man and wife salute your Bryde," and Bill looked
horrid red, and Barbry trimbled and blushed astonishin
severe.
Well, its all over, but I dont keer theres as good
fish in the sea as ever come outen it. Im not poor for
the likes of Bill Warrick, havin now three sparks, and
one of them from Town, whose got a good grocery and
leads the Quire at church outer the Suthern Harmony,
the Missonry Harmony is gone outer fashion.
Unkle Ben's oldest gal Suky is gwine to marry a
Virginny tobacker roler, named Saint George Drum-
mon, and he says he is a kin to Jack Randolf and Po-
kerhuntus, who they is the Lord knows. Our Jack got
his finger cut with a steal trap catchin of a koon for a
Clay Club, and the boys is down on a tar raft, and ole
Miss Collis and mammy is powerful rumatic, and the
measly complaint is amazin. I jist heard you have got
two twins agin that limestone water must be astonish-
in curyous in its affects. What is the fashuns in Ten-
nysee, the biggist sort of Bishups is the go here. My
love to your old man, your friend.
NANCY GUITON.
Old Miss Collis and mammy is jist come home.
Betsy Bolin is jist had a fine son and they say she is a
doin as well as could be expected, and the huckleberry
crop is short on account of the drouth.
A BULLY BOAT
. AND A BRAG CAPTAIN.
A STORT OF STEAMBOAT LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI BY SOL. SMITH.
One of the oldest and assuredly one of the best correspondents the
" Spirit of the Times" ever boasted of, is the writer of the story which
follows. " Old Sol," as he is familiarly termed, has been, in the
course of his eventful life, " every thing by turns," but unlike many
" a Jack of all trades" he is really " good at anything." As editor,
manager, preacher, or lawyer, he has not only commanded success
but deserved it. For many years he has been associated with Mr.
Ludlow in the management of the Mobile, New Orleans, and St.
Louis theatres. Within a few weeks he has been admitted to practice
as an attorney and counsellor at law "in all the Courts of the state
of Missouri." We will only add that we wish him in brief, lots of
practice.
DOES any one remember the Caravan ? She was
what would now be considered a slow boat ; then [1827]
she was regularly advertised as the "fast running," etc.
Her regular trips from New Orleans to Natchez were
usually made in from six to eight days ; a trip made by
her in five days was considered remarkable. A voyage
from New Orleans to Vicksburg and back, including
stoppages, generally entitled the officers and crew to a
month's wages. Whether the Caravan ever achieved
the feat of a voyage to the Falls, (Louisville,) I have
never learned; if she did, she must have "had a time
of it!"
106
A BRAG CAPTAIN. 107
It was my fate to take passage in this boat. Tho
Captain was a good-natured, easy-going man, careful
of the comfort of his passengers, and exceedingly fond
of the game of brag.* We had been out a little more than
five days, and we were in hopes of seeing the bluffs of
Natchez on the next day. Our wood was getting lo\v,
and night coming on. The pilot on duty above, (the
other pilot held three aces at the time, and was just
calling out the Captain, who " went it strong" on three
kings,) sent down word that the mate had reported the
stock of wood reduced to half a cord. The worthy Cap
tain excused himself to the pilot whose watch was below,
and the two passengers who made up the party, and
hurried to the deck, where he soon discovered, by the
landmarks, that we were about half a mile from a wood-
yard, which he said was situated " right round yonder
point." " But," muttered the Captain, " I don't much
like to take wood of the yellow-faced old scoundrel who
owns it he always charges a quarter of a dollar more
than any one else ; however, there's no other chance."
The boat was pushed to her utmost, and, in a little less
than an hour, when our fuel was about giving out, we
made the point, and our cables were out and fastened
to trees, alongside of a good-sized wood-pile.
" Hollo, Colonel ! how d'ye sell your wood this
time?"
A yellow-faced old gentleman, with a two weeks'
beard, strings over his shoulders holding up to his arm
pits a pair of copperas-coloured linsey-woolsey pants, the
* It must be recollected, that the incidents here related, took place
seventeen years ago. Within the last ten years, although I have travel
led en hundreds of boats, I have nnt teen an officer of a boat play a card.
G
108 A BULLY BOAT
legs of which reached a very little below the knee; shoes
without stockings ; a faded, broad-brimmed hat, which
had once been black, and a pipe in his mouth casting
a glance at the empty guards of our boat, and uttering
a grunt as he rose from fastening our " spring line,"
answered,
" Why, Capting, we must charge you three and a
quarter THIS time"
"The d 11" replied the Captain (Captains did
swear a little in those days) " what's the odd quarter
for, I should like to know 1 You only charged me three
as I went down."
" Why, Capting," drawled out the wood-merchant,
with a sort of leer on his yellow countenance, which
clearly indicated that his wood was as good as sold,
" wood's riz since you went down two weeks ago ; be
sides, you are awar that you very seldom stop going
down; when you're going up, you're sometimes oblee-
ged to give me a call, becaze the current's aginst you,
and there's no other wood-yard for nine miles ahead ;
and if you happen to be nearly out of fooel, why"
" Well, well," interrupted the Captain, " we'll take
a few cords, under the circumstances" and he return
ed to his game of brag.
In about half an hour we felt the Caravan commence
paddling again. Supper was over, and I retired to my
upper berth, situated alongside and overlooking the
brag-table, where the Captain was deeply engaged,
having now the other pilot as his principal opponent.
We jogged on quietly and seemed to be going at a
good rate.
AND A BRAG CAPTAIN. 109
" How does that wood burn ?" inquired the Captain
of the mate, who was looking on at the game.
" 'Tisn't of much account, I reckon," answered the
mate " it's cotton-wood, and most of it green at that."
" Well, Thompson (three aces, again, stranger
I'll take that X and the small change, if you please it's
your deal) Thompson, I say, we'd better take three
or four cords at the next wood-yard it can't be more
than six miles from here (two aces and a bragger,
with the age ! hand over those Vs.")
The game went on and the paddles kept moving.
At 11 o'clock, it was reported to the Captain that we
were nearing the wood-yard, the light being distinctly
seen by the pilot on duty.
" Head her in shore, then, and take in six cords, if
it's good see to it, Thompson, I can't very well leave
the game now it's getting right warm ! This pilot's
beating us all to smash."
The wooding completed, we paddled on again. The
Captain seemed somewhat vexed, when the mate in
formed him that the price was the same as at the last
wood-yard three and a quarter; but soon again became
interested in the game.
From my upper berth (there was no state-rooms then)
I could observe the movements of the players. All the
contention appeared to be between the Captain and the
pilots, (the latter personages took it turn and turn about,
steering and playing brag,) one of them almost invaria
bly winning, while the two passengers merely went
through the ceremony of dealing, cutting, and paying
up their " antics" They were anxious to learn the game
43
110 A BULLY BOAT
and they did learn it ! Once in awhile, indeed, see
ing they had two aces and a bragger, they would ven
ture a bet of five or ten dollars, but they were always
compelled to back out before the tremendous bragging
of the Captain or pilot or if they did venture to "call
out" on " two bullits and a bragger," they had the mor-
lification to find one of the officers had the same kind
of a hand, and were more venerable ! Still, with all these
disadvantages, they continued playing they wanted to
learn the game.
At 2 o'clock, the Captain asked the mate how we
were getting on ?
" Oh, pretty glibly, sir," replied the mate, " we can
scarcely tell what headway we are making, for we are
obliged to keep the middle of the river, and there is the
shadow of a fog rising. This wood seems rather better
than that we took in at old yellow-face's, but we're
nearly out again, and must be looking out for more. I
saw a light just ahead on the right shall we hail?"
" Yes, yes," replied the Captain, " ring the bell and
ask 'em what's the price of wood up here ? I've got
you again ; here's double kings."
I heard the bell and the pilot's hail : " What's your
price for wood ?"
A youthful voice on the shore answered : " Three
and a quarter !"
" D n it !" ejaculated the Captain, who had just
lost the price of two cords to the pilot the strangers
suffering some at the same time " Three and a quarter
again ! Are we never to get to a cheaper country ?
deal, sir, if you please better luck next time." The
other pilot's voice was again heard on deck
AND A BRAG CAPTAIN. Ill
" How much have you ?"
" Only about ten cords, sir," was the reply of the
youthful salesman.
The Captain here told Thompson to take six cords,
which would last till daylight and again turned his
attention to the game.
The pilots here changed places. When did they sleep ?
Wood taken in, the Caravan again took her place in
the middle of the stream, paddling on as usual.
Day at length dawned. The brag-party broke up,
and settlements were being made, during which opera
tion the Captain's bragging propensities were exercised
in cracking up the speed of his boat, which, by his
reckoning, must have made at least sixty miles, and
would have made many more, if he could have procur
ed good wood. It appears the two passengers, in their
first lesson, had incidentally lost one hundred and twenty
dollars. The Captain, as he rose to see about taking
in some good wood, which he felt sure of obtaining,
now he had got above the level country, winked at his
opponent, the pilot, with whom he had been on very bad
terms during the progress of the game, and said, in an
under-tone, " Forty a-piece for you and I and James
^the other pilot) is not bad for one night."
I had risen, and went out with the Captain, to enjoy
a view of the bluffs. There was just fog enough to
prevent the vision taking in more than sixty yards so
I was disappointed in my expectation. We were near-
ing the shore for the purpose of looking for wood, the
banks being invisible from the middle of the river.
" There it is !" exclaimed the Captain, " stop her !"
112 A BULLY BOAT.
Ding ding ding ! went the big bell, and the Cap
tain hailed :
Hollo ! the wood-yard !"
"Hollo yourself!" answered a squeaking female
voice, which came from a woman with a petticoat over
her shoulders in place of a shawl.
" What's the price of wood ?"
" I think you ought to know the price by this time,"
answered the old lady in the petticoat " it's three and
a qua-a-rter ! and now you know it."
" Three and the d 1 !" broke in the Captain
what, have you raised on your wood too ! I'll give you
three, and not a cent more."
" Well," replied the petticoat, " here comes the old
man he'll talk to you."
And, sure enough, out crept from the cottage the
veritable faded hat, copperas-coloured pants, yellow
countenance and two weeks' beard we had seen the
night before, and the same voice we had heard regu
lating the price of cotton-wood squeaked out the follow
ing sentence, accompanied by the same leer of the same
yellow countenance ;
" Why darn it all, Capting, there is but three or four
cords left, and since ifs you, I don't care if I do let you
have it for three as you're a good customer!"
After a quick glance at the landmarks around, the
Captain bolted, and turned in to take some rest.
The fact became apparent the reader will probably
have discovered it some time since that we had been
wooding all night at the same wood-yard !
LETTER
FROM BILLY PATTERSON HIMSELF.
" Wlio hit Billy Patterson?"
The following letter gives the very latest intelligence of the where
abouts and "condition" of Mr. William Patterson an individual
whose fame is as imperishable as that of" The Man with the Claret-
coloured Coat," so renowned as the assailant of the New York Arse
nal, and " My son George and the Carpenter." Mr. Patterson is the
individual who was so brutally assaulted some time ago, and it will
be seen that in the following letter (addressed to the New Orleans
" Republican") he feelingly and delicately alludes to that " vilent
bio reseaved long sense by some anonymus person." It may be pro
per to state, by way of explanation of the cause which has brought
Mr. Patterson himself before the public, over his own signature, thac
there has lately been a great excitement at New Orleans about a
Witch, who, it is alleged, has been seen thereabouts, meditating mis
chief.
N. Orleans jun 7.
RE SPEXTID SUR. Owen to a vilent bio reseaved
long sense by some anonymus person, by witch rooma-
tiz tuk place in the eppygastrum and the hoptic nurve
was hyly diskolor'd, comin nigh to subjectin yores truly
to a Panefull post mortum opperrashun and a vilent
hurtopsey i was kumpelled to 4 go a mixture with
Publik effares and konfine myself to Silense and Diet
on less i Wanted to make a Die of it to yuse a vul-
gerism. I now ressom the pen so's to nudge the Pub
lik mind on a Grave preposition. Here it Is. Ken
115
116 LETTER FROM BILLY PATTERSON.
witchkraft flurrish in an intelligent age ? I holed the
convurs of the fact but some Go it Strong on the opper-
sition, and they sa that the witch witch was taken Up
down in the Furst was a Boner fidey sprigg of the old
Boy himselff. Now sais i wares yure prufe. Ken enny
body ride a Steepel chase on a brume Handel ceptin
the flyin Bird man, and He coudent. Wos evur enny
wun knone to jump out of thare Skin, as roomer ses
this witch did, ceptin a poor man that had a fortin left
to Him, witch Dont komonly happen.
Agin they say this witch went into the worter, wareas
we all Kno that witches hate worter like Pizen and
never so much as wosh theirselves, and the Salem fokes
went so fur as to souse em in the Hoss pond when tha
was suspected of puttin the devil into thare naburs ship
and lams, witch went agin thar feelins wuss than Enny
thing tha could do to em. So the worter biziness wont
Go down no more than twill down a drunkerds throte.
Now conollogy tells us that witchcraft has been nocked
into a cock'd Hat ever sense the time of old King
Joemes of Ingland, and Krumwill. McBeth upset
their pot of potaturs for em in the Woods wun day as
Billy Shakes Pear tells us, for witch tha turned round
and give him pertikler Jessy; but littery men knoes
that wos a licens of Potry and no sitch thing more
Over didn't the Wizerd of the noth, old Walter Skott,
who had a Feller feelin with the witches, rite a book to
kwyit em. Tha aint no witches that's the way tc
tell it !
But wots a Staggerer is this here clearviants and
seein thru stun Wolls wen a man's in a Stait of Sum-
LETTER FBOM BILLY PATTERSON. 117
nambei lism aint it the Dooty of the orthoryties to Sea
weather thare aint No witcherry in that. Wy aint Mr.
Bonnyvilly, Mr. Webbster, and Mr. Bontown, and all
the other gentlemen that goes it strong on wusser can-
ticoes than ever the witches Did, why aint they, i repit,
horld over the Coles. Wy dont the lor Do its Dooty
without fear or affexshun, and knot make a Silk puss
of wun and a sows ere of tother. But mebby it will be
kontended that our Statties haint no claws agin wizerds,
but if pullin a stubburn Snag out of a man's jor and he
not knoin its out aint wuth sich a claws, then tare me
off and Burn me ! thay'll be Nock in a man's Hed off
wile in a Mag Nettick state and plasterin it on agin
afore he's brot to, bim by, and wuns ennymis will mes-
mureys Him stock still in the streat when he darts Out
in a hurre to pa a Note in the bank, and thare will be
no End to the misschif that will B en Tailed, i sa
them's em tha ort to be sket Up and med to kwit put-
tin spells and witch gammon on the kommunety.
paper bein out, No more til a futur pearioud. I re-
mane yures with a rakkin pane in the sholder witch i
hev ben trubbled with Ever sence my Ruffinly a salt
W. PATTERSON.
A SWIM FOR A DEEB.
A MISSISSIPPI STOR Y B Y THE ' k TURKEY RUNXE R."
Like "N. of Arkansas," Thorpe, Noland, Winslow, McClure, Ains-
worth, and others, the writer of the following sketch made his debut
before the world of letters in the New- York " Spirit of the Times."
He is nearly connected with a late governor of one of the principal
cotton-growing states ; and under the signature of" The Turkey Run
ner,"* his original sketches of life and manners in the south-west
have made him a formidable rival of the author of " Tom Owen the
Bee Hunter." His two favourite characters, who figure in almost all
his hunting stories, are "Jim" and " Chunkey." The latter, poor
fellow, is now no more, having died very suddenly, recently, in his
thirty-fifth year, at the plantation of ex-governor McNutt, in Missis
sippi. His name was James W. Wofford. He is said to have been.
a warm-hearted, generous and inoffensive man, and a keen sports
man. His only faults grew out of his social disposition ; but he pos
sessed so many virtues and good qualities, that the wide circle of his
acquaintance could have better spared a better man. In the follow
ing story Jim recounts to the writer a hunting incident, in which
* In the barren lands of the South, during the autumn, from the fall-
<Gg nut and ripening berry the turkeys not unfrequently become so
fat as to be unable to fly any distance ; it is then the " Turkey Runner,"
who is also a bee and still hunter, sallies forth in quest of a drove, from
which he selects some master spirit, and flushes him he very leisurely
follows, desirous of tiring him by his flights until he is unable longer to
fly; then the turkey runner lets out and exhibits a turn of speed as
tonishing to the turkey. This is continued until he secures as many
as he wants, when he makes for the nearest creek or spring branch
when, after quenching his thirst, he watches for the honey-bee, takes
his "bee line," and follows for half a mile, examining critically every
tree until he detects the swarm issuing from some knot or gnarled
trunk, then returns and tries for another, or seeks his cabin, as inclina
tion prompts.
118
A SWIM FOR A DEER. 119
Chunkey and himself took part. They were both employed by Go
vernor McNutt on a remote plantation of his on the Sunflower river,
in a perfect wilderness. Here the events related below occurred.
"YES, Capting, they war lower, I tell you why, God
bless your soul, honey, they war not only powerful thick,
but some on 'em war as big as common-sized horses,
I do reckon ; 'cause why, nobody ever had hunted 'em,
you see. In the winter time the overflow, and in the
summer time the lakes and snakes, bayous and alliga
tors, musketoes and gallinippers, buffalo gnats and
sand flies, with a small sprinkle of the agur and a per
fect cord of congestive, prevented the Ingins from
gvvine through the country ! Oh no ; the red skins
would rather hunt the fat turkey and deer in the Azoo
hills and pine lands t'other side of the Pearl river, to
killin' fat bar on the Creek or Sunflower."
" Well, Jim, I think they were right ; you must then
have been among the first hunters in the country."
" Yes, I do reckon when I first went into that coun
try, from the Azoo Hills to the Mississippi, there never
had been but mighty few hunters. Why thar ar places
thar now whar the deer ar tame as sheep, and whar
the bar don't care a dam for nobody ! Fact ! ask
Chunkey !"
" That is very remarkable ; what is the cause!"
" 'Cause they've never been hunted ; no, sir ; never
hearn the crack of a rifle nor the yelp of a dog ; why
thar ar more nor a hundred lakes and brakes in them
diggins, that hain't never been pressed by no mortfil
'ceptin' varmints. You know more nor half the coun
try is overflowed in the winter, and t'other half, whica
120 A SWIM FOR A DEER.
is a darned sight the biggest, is covered with cane, pal
metto and other fixins ; why it stands to reason, and
in course no man ever had hunted 'em. Why, sir,
when I first went to the Creek"
"Let the Creek run, Jim ; tell us about the bear !"
"Well, sir, the bar war very promiscuous indeed,
and some of the old hees war mighty mellifluous, I tell
you. I had no sens about bar then, but thar warn't no
cabin or camp in the whole settlement, and in course I
soon larnt thar natur by livin' 'mongst 'em. A bar,
Capting, an old he bar, ain't no candidate or other
good-natured greenhorn to stand gougin' and treating.
Oh no, he ain't, but he's as rarnstugenous an animal as
a log-cabin loafer in the dog days, jist about, and if a
stranger fools with him he'll get sarved like that white
gal what come into my settlement."
"How was that, Jim?"
" Why perfectly ruinated, as Buck Brien says."
"X ou don't mean to say Jim, that you"
" Yes, dam'd if I diddent. Ask Chunkey, or"
" Oh, I am satisfied with the girl. Go on with the
bear."
"Well, let's licker (after drinking) a bar is a
consaity animal, but as far as his sens do go he's about
as smart as any other animal ; arter that, the balance
is clear fat and fool. I have lived 'mongst 'em, and
know ther natur. I have killed as many as seven in a
day, and smartly to the rise of sixty in a season. Arter
I'd been on the Creek about two months, up comes
the Governor and Chunkey ; the Governor 'tended like
he wanted to see how I come on with the clearin' ; but.
A SWIM FOR A DEER. 121
sir, he were arter a spree, and I knoe'd it, or wTiy did
he bring' Chunkey? Every thing looked mighty well;
the negers looked fat and slick as old Belcher in catfish
season. I'd done cut more nor two hundred acres of
cane, and had the rails on the ground. I'd done"
" Come, Jim, keep the track !"
" Well, Capting, they war mighty savagerous arter
likkcr; they'd been fightin' the stranger* mightly
comin' up, and war perfectly wolfish arter some har of
the dog, and dam'd the drop did I have ; so I started
two negers with mules and jugs to the pint (Princeton,
Washington county,) and the ox team arter a barrel.
Well, sir, the day arter, the jugs come, and we darted
on 'em, (giving a sigh) but lord, what war two jugs in
sick a crowd ? They jist kept Chunkey from dyin', as
he was so dry he had the rattles ; next day the barrel
come, and then we &rae-ovienned up to it in airnest.
You know what kind of man Chunkey is when he gits
started if he commences talkin', singin', or whistlin',
no matter which, you'd jist as well try and stop the
Mississippi as him. Why I've knoed him to whistle
three days and three nights on a stretch, the Gover
nor couldent eat nor drink for Chunkey's whistlin',
and at last he gits mad, and that's the last thing he
does with any body what he likes, and, says he to
Chunkey
"'Chunkey, you have kept me awake two nights a
whistlin, and you must stop it to night, or you or me
must quit the plantation.'"
* A barrel of whiskey is called a " stranger," from the fact that it it
brought from a distance, there being none made in the country.
122 A SWIM FOR A DEER.
" ' Chunkey said, ' Governor I don't want to put you
to no trouble, but I can't stop in the middle of a chune,
and as you have known the plantation longer than me,
I expect you can leave it with lest trouble.'
" The Governor jist roar'd, and gin Chunkey a new
gun and"
" Stop, Jim, you have forgot the bear."
" Well, whar was I, Capting-^oh, I remember, now!
Well, when the barrel come we did lumber ; Chunkey
he soon commenced singin', and I to thinkin' about that
white gal. We went on that way nigh a week, and
then cooled off. One mornin', I and Chunkey had gone
down to the creek to git a bait of water, and I knoed
the bar would be thar, as it war waterin' time with
them."
" Why Jim, have they a particular time to water ?"
" In course they has ; they come to water at a cer
tain place, and jist as reglar as a parson to his eatin' ;
every bar has his waterin' place, and he comes and goes
in the same path and in the same foot tracks, always,
until he moves his settlement : and jist you break a
cane, or limb, or move a chunk or stick near his trail,
and see how quick he'll move his cabin ! Oh yes, a bar
is mighty particlar about sich things that's his sens
that's his trap to find out if you are in his settlement.
Why, Capting, I have watched 'em"
" Jim, you have left yourself and Chunkey on the
bank of the creek, ' a waterin'.' Are you going to stay
there ?"
" Well, we set down on the bank and took our stand
opposite the biggest kind of sign, and sure enough, pre-
A SWIM FOR A DEER. 123
sently down he come ; a bar don't lap water like a dog ;
no, they sucks it like a hog. You jist ought to see him
rais his nose and smell the wind. Well, he seed us,
and with that he ris ! He war a whopper, I tell you !
He looked like a big burn, and he throw'd them arms
about awful, honey. It war about one hundred and
twenty yards to him, but I knoed he were my meat
without an accident, so I let drive, and he took the
creek then out he went and scampered up the bank
mighty quick, and then sich a ratlin' among cane, sich
a growlin' and snortin', sich a breakin' of saplins and
vines, I reckon you never did hear ! I knoed, in course,
I had him. I throwcd a log in and paddled across
found his trail, and lots of har and fat, but no blood !"
" That was very strange, Jim ; how did you account
for that?"
" Why he were too fat to bleed ! Oh, you think I
am foolin' you, but you ask Chunkey. It is frequently
the case. I follcred his trail about a quarter and a half
a quarter, and thar he lay ; so I jist hollered to Chunkey
to git two negers and a yoke of steers to take him to
the house. How much do you reckon he weighed?"
" I have no idea, Jim."
"Now, sir, he weighed, without head, skin, or entrails,
four hundred and ninety-three pounds, and his head
sixty pounds ! You don't believe me ! Well, just ask
Chunkey if I haint killed 'em smartly over seven hun
dred pounds ! Killin' him sorter got my blood up, and
I determined to have another. Chunkey had been
jerkin' it to the licker gourd mighty smart, and was
jest right. ' Chunkey,' says I, ' let's gin it to another "
124 A SWIM FOK A DEER.
' Good as -,' says Chunkey. ' Who cars for ex
penses ? a hundred dollar bill aint no more in my pocket
nor a cord of wood !' With that we started down to
the Bend ; we haddent been thar long when in comes
an old buck ; he was a smasher, and one horn were
broke off. I telled Chunkey now's his time, as I skorird
to toch him arter killin' a bar. Chunkey lathered away,
and ca chunk! he went into the creek ; he then gin him
a turn with t'other barrel ; the buck wabbled about a
time or two and sunk, jist at the head of the little raft
at the lower end of the clearin'. I know'd he'd lodged
agin the drift, and determined to have him, and if you'll
believe me, I'd been workin' at the gourd since I'd
killed the bar. I pulled off my coat and jest throwed
myself in ; I swimd out to the place and div you know
the current are might rapid thar. Well, I found him,
yes, if I diddent. But, Moses ! warn't I in a tight
place that time ? Well, I reckon I were. I'd been
willin' to fite the biggest he on the creek, and gin him
the fust bite, to have been out !"
" Why, Jim, what was the matter ?"
" Arter I'd got in, I couldent get out that was the
matter ! You see the drift were a homogification of old
Cyprus logs, vines, and drift-wood of evry description,
for nigh three hundred yards long, and the creek runs
under thar like it was arter somebody ; the trees and
vines, and prognostics of all sorts, ar sorter nit together
like a sock, and you couldent begin to get through 'em.
Well, Capting, I thought my time had come, and I
knowed it war for killin' that cub what I tcJ'.cd you
about. And, sir, it would have come if it b^ddent been
A SWIM FOR A DEER. 125
for the sorritude I felt arterwards. You see, the young
cub was standin' in the corner of the fence eatin' roastin'
ears, and I was goin' to the"
" But, Jim, you have told that once, and I don't want
to hear it again."
" Well, I tried to rise, but I'd as well tried to rise
down'ard. I then tried to swim up 'bove the raft, but
I found from the way the logs and vines ware tearin'
the extras off me, that I were goin' further under, and
I was gettin' out of wind very fast. I knowed thar was
but one chance, and that was to go clean through ! So
I busted loose and set my paddles to goin' mightily ;
presently my head bumped agin the drift ! I div agin,
and kept my paddles a lumberin' ! Chunk ! my head
went agin a log, and then I knowed the thing were
irrefrangably out, but I div agin, still workin' on my
oars smartly, until I hung agin ! ' Good bye, Chunkey !
farewell, Governor,' says I. But, Capting, I were
all the time tryin' to do something. Things had begun
to look speckled, green, and then omniferous ; but findin'
I were not gone yet, by the way I were kickin' and
pawin', and knowin' I were goin' someurfiere, and ex-
pectin' to the devil, there aint no tellin' how long or
powerful I did work ! The fust thing I recollect artcr
that, was gittin' a mouthful of wind ! Fact ! I'd done,
gone clean through, and were hangin' on to a tree
below the raft ! But, sir, I were mighty weak, and
couldent tell a stump from an old he, and 'spected
smartly for some time that I were in the yother world,
and commenced an excuse for comin' so onexpectedly !
However, presently I got sorter right, and when I
H
126 A SWIM FOR A DEER.
found I were safe, I reckon you never did see a man
feel so unanimous in your life, and I made the water fly
for joy."
" Well, Jim, what had become of Chunkey ! He did
not leave you !"
" Yes, if he diddent ! He'd commenced gittin'
dry afore he shot the deer; and when Chunkey wants
a drink, if his daddy was drounin', Chunkey would go
to the licker gourd afore he'd go to his daddy. I went
to the house, and thar he was settin' at the table, jist
a rattlin' his teeth agin the bar's ribs ; the greese war
runnin' off his chin ; he held a tin cup in one hand 'bout
half full of licker ; his head were sorter throwd back ;
he was breathin' sorter hard, his eye set on the Gover
nor, humpin' himself on politics. ' Dam the specie
kurrency,' says Chunkey, ' it aint no account, and I'm
agin it. When we had good times, I drank five-dollar-
a-gallon brandy, and had pockets full of money.' ' But,'
says the Governor, ' you bought the brandy on a credit,
and never paid for it !' ' What's the difference ?' asks
Chunkey ! ' Them what I bought it from never paid for
it ; they bought it on a credit from them foreigners, and
never paid for it, and them fureigners, you say, are a
pack of scoundrels, and I go in for ruinin' 'em, so far
as good licker is concarned.' ' You are drunk,' says
the Governor, and then but, Capting, you look
sleepy ; let's licker and go to bed."
" No, I am not sleepy, Jim."
' Well, then, I'll tell you how I sarved Chunkey for
leavin' me under the raft. Moses ! diddent I pay him
oack? Did I ever tell you 'bout takm' Chunkey out on
A SWIM FOR A DEER. 127
Sky Lake, makin' him drunk, takin 1 his gun and knife
away from him, and a puttin' him to sleep in a panter's
nest?"
" No, you never did; but was you not apprehensive
they would kill him ?"
" Apple hell ! No ! If they'd commenced bitin'
Chunkey, they'd have been looed, as that's a game
Chunkey invented! But here he comes; and if you
mention it afore him, it puts the devil in him. Let's
licker."
[The story of how Jim " sarved Chunkey" follows.]
44
128 STRAY SUBJECTS.
Er a hoo ! "
" Wy, it's you yerself," continued the Yankee,
approaching him cautiously " and yer've made noise
enough to skeer the divil, or stop a camp-meet'n !"
As he placed his hand upon the snorer's breast, a
sudden " whoof!" escaped him, and the Yankee could
bear no more !
"Help, yere!"
Pshe eu !" said the snorer.
"Do/"
Ah shwoo "
For God's sake !"
Hup kir "
Cap'n help yere! The man's a dyin' I say,
Mister ! Murder ! help !"
By this time the cabin was in a roar for the scene in
its early stages had awakened most of the crowd, who
had enjoyed it right heartily. The snorer turned over
suddenly upon his side, and the effect awakened him.
"What's the row, neighbour?" he inquired of the
Yankee, who stood over him with a light.
"Raow*? Thunder and lightnin' ! ain't yer dead
yit ! Wai, I reck'n you're one uv 'em, stranger ! Mishi-
gan thunder's a fool to yur'e snorin' by grashus ! Ef
I sleep in this yere coop to-night, cuss my pictur!" he
added and, in spite of all the captain's assurances, he
went out upon the deck, where he lay till morning.
At daylight he landed and, as he parted with the
captain, he declared that he had "heern powerful thun
der in his time, but that chap's snoring beat all the
high-pressures he ever heerd jest as easy as open and
shet!'
G. P. B.
"WOBOT BARWYMAW."
AN ELECTION-DAY SCENE, IN BOSTON.
THE annual election for city officials occurred in the
good city of Boston, on Monday. There were no less
than ' six Richmonds in the field,' on this occasion, and
the prospect appeared promising at noon that before
sunset, a Mayor and Common Council would be elect
ed for the current political year, provided they didn't
miss it. If not instructive, it was at least amusing to be
present an hour at the polls. Take an example.
A quiet-looking, decent enough kind of man ap
proaches the door of one of the Ward rooms. He is
clumsily dressed, it is true, and is evidently a stranger
in these parts. His antiquated suit and apparent inno
cence of the existence of such an article of wearing
apparel as a pair of boots his long-tailed and longer-
sleeved ' blue,' his low-crowned { felt' all indicated
plainly that he wasn't ' bred in the town.' He sees the
crowd and steps over the way. Some half-a-score of
worthies are watching him, and a rush is made as he
arrives near the door.
" Fresh water ticket, sir?" bawls a vote distributor,
m a greasy coat and slouched hat, who looks for all the
world as if he hadn't been within hailing distance of
any water fresh or foul for a quarter of a century.
" Cold water ticket, sir .-"'inquires a one-eyed man,
who sports a particularly red nose below it.
130 CHUNKEY'S FIGHT
"Agreed," says I, and then we bulged. Capting,
youv'e hearn Jem say he's hard of hearin' ? Well, he
is, sometimes, 'specially when he don't want to hear;
but that mornin' he was wide awake all over, and could
have hearn an old he grunt in a thunder storm ! " I'll
carry the horn, Chunkey; if you blow I can't hear you,
and when I want you I'll blow, and you can."
I dident 'spect anything then, but you'll see.
Well, we had our big guns, them the Governor gin
us ; they throw twelve to the pound, and war made by
that man what lives in Louisville what's his name ?
He promised to send me a deer gun gratis for two
young panters, but he aint done it. Jem's gun were
in bar order that mornin', and if you'd jest say varmint,
above your breath, click it would go, cockin' itself.
We haddint crossed the creek two hundred yards afore
yelp, yelp, went old Rambler. "Cuss them dogs!"
says Jem, "that's a deer?" Big Solomon went to ex-
amin' the sign. " No it aint, massa Jem it's a panter
sure! look at her long foot and sharp nail, and see
hear whar he's been ridin' pigs ! Cuss his saitful coun
tenance!" "Its a wolf," says Jem, "or a dog! Run
down to the hossin-gum tree, Chunkey, and I'll go to
the Cypress crossin' log ; he's bound to go one way or
the yether, to git out." Well, I husseled off to the
hossin-gum and Jem to the foot log, and afore we got to
our stands the dogs had him gwine like a streak; away
he went down to the Pint, and I knowed that's no place
for him, and presently I heard 'em comin' back nearer
and nearer here they is ! don't they make the snov
fly, and jest look at him ! Look at them yaller eyes !
WITH THE PANTHERS. 131
them ears laid back, and them meat hooks a shinin' !
Aint he stretchin' himself? Aint them dogs talkin' to
him with "tears in their eyes !" Yes they is, hoss, and
now I'll git him! Bang! Oh, dam you! you've got it!
I know you is ! you aint shakin' that tail for nothin' ! Yes,
thar's blood on the snow ! But aint he "gittin' out de
way?" "Never mind; them dogs will suck him afore
he's much older, and if they don't Jem's yager will"
Bang, went Jem's gun, and then all were still. " Howdy,
wolf! how do you rise," says I, and started. When I
got up Jem were shakin him. He were a smasher, but
too full to run.
Arter lickerin and cussin a spell, we took a "bee
line" for Sky Lake. Goin along we lickered freely,
and arter awhile Jem said, "Chunkey, I can slash you,
shootin at that knot?" "Well, I reckun you can, Jem,"
says I, but you know he couldent, Capting. I wouldent
shoot cause we hadent any amminition to spare.
" Keep them dogs in, and break for the Forkin-Cypress,
Sol," says I, " and make a cain camp; and Sol, do you
hear, jest let them dogs loose, and I'll swaller you,
wrong end foremost !" " Massa Chunkey is risin,"
said Sol, and then he busted.
Lots of deer war 'tinually passin ; some on 'em stood
feedin jist as careless as a loafer with a full belly they
kno'ed they war safe. The day was mighty clear and
yaller ; it warn't very cold, but still the snow diddent
melt, but floated sorter like turkey feathers in the wind,
and in the tall cane it fell round us like a fog. When
we got to the Forkin-Cypress, Sol soon had a camp-
done, and I and Jem started to look for sign.
132 CHUNKEY'S FIGHT
We haddent been gone long when I hearn Jem'a
horn, and made to him ; thar war a sign at the foot of a
tree, and thar was his track in the snow. " Shall we
nail him, Chunkey ?" "In course" says I. Well, he
hollered to Sol to turn the dogs loose, and hear they
come ; they jest fell onto the trail like a starved dog
on a bloody bone. They circled about among the switch-
cane and priscimmon bushes a long time afore they could
make it out. Presently I hearn 'em give some short
licks, and I knowed he war up. " Thar's a cry for you !"
Away they go, further and further ; presently you can
jest hear 'em, and then they are clean gone. I hearn
Jem shoutin awhile, and then his mouth is lost too. I
started on, spectin to meet em comin back, and in
about an hour I hearn Jem's voice who-whoop. " Ah,
bar," says I " whar's your friends?" I soon hearn
Jem agin, and presently I hearn the dogs, like the ring-
in' of a cowbell, a long way off. They come up the
ridge, and then bore off to the thick cane on my right ;
then they hushed awhile, and I kno'ed they's a fightin.
Look out dogs ; thar, they are gwine agin ; no, hear
they comes ! Lay low and keep dark ! I put down
another ball and stood for him. I heard the cane
crackin, and cocked my gun ! Here he comes here
he is ! I hearn him snortin ; wake snakes ! Aint thatlum-
berin ? Thar, they've got him agin, and now the fur flies.
I crawled through the cane tryin to get a shot afore
the dogs seen me. Thar they is, but which is he ? Dam
that dog's head ! Bang! Whiff, whiff, said the bar, and
with that every dog jumped him. The cane's a crackin,
and the dogs a hollerin. I jerked mybowyerand plunged
WITH THE PANTHERS. 133
in, and thar they war, hung together like a swarm of
bees ! Thar lay " Singer" on the ground, and limber
as a rag, and he had the " Constitutional" down. I felt
the har risin on my head, and the blood ticklin the end
of my fingers. I crept up behind him, and zip, zip, zip, I
took him jest behind the shoulder-blade, and he war done
fightin. He sot down, and sorter rolled his head from
side to side, the blood runnin off his tongue, and his eyes
full of dirt. He haddent got a hundred yards from the
place whar I'd shot him. It war a death shot, and
blinded him, and thar side of him lay " Singer" and the
" Constitutional," two of the best dogs in Jem's pack.
H 1 ! I gin' a shout and Jem answered. Presently
I beam him cummin, blowin like a steamboat, and mad
as hell ; he always gits mad when he's tired, and when
he seen them dogs he commenced breathen mighty hard,
and the blood filled the veins in his neck big as your
fingers. Presently he commenced cussin, and then he
got sorter easy. Arter a while he turned in and cleaned
him ; we warn't more than a quarter and a half from
the camp, whar we soon got, both mighty hungry and
tired. Sol cooked the liver jest to the right pint, and
we giv it Jessy. We spent the balance of the evenin
in drinkin, braggin, and eatin spar ribs roasted brown.
Jim made Sol sing
"Oh, she waked me in the mornin, and its broad day,
I looked for my ranu, and its done gone away"
till we went to sleep.
Next mornin' when we waked it war sorter cloudy
and warm, and I and Jem were cloudy and warm too.
The wind war blowin' mightily.
134 CHUNKEY'S FIGHT
" Now, Chunkey, let's have a panter to-day, or no-
" All sot" says I.
Well, arter breakfast Jem says, " Chunkey, you must
take the right side the Lake, and I'll take the 'yether,
till we meet and, Chunkey, you must rush ; it aint
more nor eight miles round, but your side may seem long,
as you aint usen to the ground. Let's licker out of my
gourd, you aint got more nor you'll want. Keep your
eye skinned for sign, and listen for my horn !"
" Hump yourself," says I, and we both darted well,
I worked my passage through cane, palmetto and vines,
until I war tired I haddent hearn Jem's horn, and
pushed on the harder to meet him ; every once and a
while I'd think hears the turn of the Lake, but when I'd
git to the place, thar it was stretchin out big as ever.
Once I thought I hearn Jem's horn, but couldent quite
make it out. I kept movin' ; hours passed and no Jem
or end of the Lake ; I'd seen lots of bar and panter
sign, lots of deer, and more swan, wild goose, and duck,
than you ever will see ; but I paid no attention to 'em,
as I 'spected I'd taken some wrong arm of the Lake
and war lost. It war gettin' towards night, and I
'spected I'd have to sleep by myself, but you know I
diddent mind that, as I war used to it. But it war the
first time in my life that I'd bin lost, and that did
pester me mightily. Well, sir, after studyin awhile, I
thought I'd better put back towards the camp, mighty
tired and discouraged. I then throw'd my gourd round
to take a drink of liker, and it were filled with water !
fact ! Thinks I, Chunkey, you must have been mighty
WITH THE PANTHERS. 135
drunk last night ; that made me sorter low spirited like
a 'oman, and my heart war weak as water. It had
commenced gittin sorter dark ; the wind were hlowin'
and groanin' through the trees and rivers, and the black
clouds were flyin', and I war goin' along sorter oneasy
and cussin', when a panter yelled out, close to me! I
turned with my gun cocked, but couldent see it ; pre
sently I hearn it agin, and out it come, and then an
other ! " Here's hell !" said I, takin' a crack and mis-
sin' to a sartainty ; and away they darted through the
cane. I drap'd my gun to load, and, by the great Jack
son, there warn't a full load of powder in my gourd !
I loaded mighty carefully, and started on to pick out
some holler tree to sleep in. Every once and awhile
I'd git a glimpse of the panters on my trail. " Pan-
ters," says I, " I'll make a child's bargain with you; if
you will let me alone, you may golong ; and if you
don't here's a ball into the head of one of ye'er, and this
knife ! husk, if my knife warn't gone, I wish I may
never taste bar's meat ? I raised my arm, trimblin' like
a leaf, and says I, " Jem ! I'll have your melt /" Well,
I war in trouble sure ! I thought I war on the Tchule
a Leta Lake, and imtched !
Well I did ! Oh, you may larph, but jist imagin'
yourself lost in the cane on Sky Lake, (the cane on Sky
Lake is some thirty miles long, from one to three miles
wide, thick as the har on a dog's back, and about thirty
feet high !) out of licker, out of pbwder, your knife
gone, the ground kivered with snow, you very hungry
and tired, and two panters folkrin your trail, and you'd
think you was bewitched too !
136 CHUNKEY'S FIGHT
Well, here they come, never lettin' on, but makin'
arrangements to have my skalp that night ; I never
lettin' on, but detarmin'd they shouldent. The har had
been standin' on my head for more nor an hour, and
the sweat were gist rollirf off me, and that satisfied mo
a fight war a brewin atween me and the panters ! I
stopped two or three times, thinkin' they's gone, but
presently hear they'd come, creepin' along through the
cane, and soon as they'd see me they stop, lay down
roll over and twirl their tails about like kittens playin' ;
I'd then shout, shake the cane, and away they'd go.
Oh, they thought they had me ! In course they did, and
I detarmined with myself, if they did let me go, if they
diddent attack an onarmed man, alone and lost, without
licker, dogs, powder or knife, that the very fust time I
got a panter up a tree, with my whole pack at the root,
my licker gourd full, and I half full, my twelve-to-the-
pound-yager loaded, and my knife in shavin order, I'd
let him go ! Yes, dairfd if I diddent !
But what did they care ? They'd no more feelin' than
the devil ! I know'd it woulddent do to risk a fight in
the cane, and pushed on to find an open place whar I
could make sure of my one load, and rely on my gun
barrel arter. I soon found a place whar the cane
drifted, and tliar I determined to stand and fight it out !
Presently here they come ; and if a stranger had seen
'em, he'd a thought they were playin' ! They'd jump
and squat, and bend their backs, lay down and roll,
and grin like puppys ; they kept gittin' nearer and nearer,
and it wer gettin' dark, and I know'd I must let drive
at the old he, 'afore it got so dark I coulddent see my
' I throw'd back my gun to gin It to her, as she come; the lick I aimed at her
head struck across the shoulders and back, without doing any
barm, and she had me!" Pagt 137.
WITH THE PANTHERS. 137
sights ; so I jist dropped on one knee to make sure,
and when I raised my gun, I were all in a trimble ! I
know'd that woulddent do, and ris !
" You are witched, Chunkey, sure and sartin'," said
I. Arter bracin' myself, I raised up agin and fired!
One on 'em sprung into the air and gin a yell, and the
other bounded towards me like a streak ! Lightin'
close to me, it squatted to the ground and commenced
creepin' towards me its years laid back, its eyes
turnin' green, and sorter swimmin' round like, and the
end of its tail tvvistin' like a snake. I felt light as a
cork, and strong as a buffalo. I seen her commence
slippin' her legs under her, and knew she were gwine
to spring. I throw'd back my gun to gin it to her, as
she come ; the lick I aimed at her head struck across
the shoulders and back, without doing any harm, and
she had me ! Rip, rip, rip and 'way went my blanket,
coat, and britches. She sunk her teeth into my shoulder,
her green eyes were close to mine, and the froth from
her mouth were flyin' in my face ! ! Moses ! how fast she
did fight ! I felt the warm blood runnin' down my side
I seen she were arter my throat ! and with that I
grabbed hern, and commenced pourin' it into her side
with my fist, like cats-a-fightin ! Rip, rip, she'd take
me, diff, slam, bang, I'd gin it to her she fightin' for
her supper, I fightin' for my life! Why, in course it
war an onequal fight, but she ris it ! Well, we had it
round and round, sometimes one, and then yother ou
top, she a growlin' and I a gruntin' ! We had both com
menced gittin' mighty tired, and presently she made a
spring, tryirf to git away ! Arter that thar warn't no
138
CHUNKEY'S FIGHT
mortal chance for her ! Cause why, shi
I'd sorter been thinkin' about sayin'
" Now I lay me down to sleep,"
but I knowd if I commenced it would put her in heart,
and she'd riddle me in a minit, and when she hollered
nuff, I were glad to my shoe soles, and had sich confi
dence in whippin' the fight, that / offered two to one on
Chunkey, but no takers !
" Oh, dam you," says I, a hittin' her a lick every
time I spoke, " you are willin' to quit even and divide
stakes, are you ?" and then round and round we went
agin ! You could have hearn us blow a quarter, but
presently she made a big struggle and broke my hold !
I fell one way, and she the other ! She darted into the
cane, and that's the last time I ever hearn of that pan-
ter ! ! !
When I sorter come to myself, I war struttin' and
thunderirf like a big he-gobler, and then I commenced
examinin' to see what harm she'd done me ; I war bit
powerful bad in the shoulder and army'ist look at them
scars ! and I were cut into solid whip strings ; but
when I found thar warn't no danger of its killin' me, I
set in to cussin'. " Oh, you ain't dead yet, Chunkey !"
says I " if you are sorter wusted, and have whipped a
panter in a fair fight, and no gougin' ;" and then I cock
a doodle dood a spell, for joy !
When I looked round, thar sot the old he, a lickin'
the blood from his breast ! I'd shot him right through
the breast, but sorter slantindickler, breakin' his
snoulder blade into a perfect smash. I walked up to
him
WITH THE PANTHERS. 139
" Howdy, panter ? how do you do ? how is missis
panter, and the little panters ? how is your consarns in
gineral ? Did you ever hearn tell of the man they calls
' Chunkey ?' born in Kaintuck and raised in Missis
sippi? death on a bar, and smartly in a panter fight?
If you diddent, look, for Pm he! I kills bar, whips pan
ters in a fair fight ; I walks the water, I out-bellars the
thunder, and when I gets hot, the Mississippi hides
itself! I I Oh, you thought you had me, did you?
dam you ! But you are a gone sucker, now. I'll have
your melt, if I never gits home, so"
" Look out, Capting ! here's the place ! make the
skift fast to that Cyprus log. Take care them oars,
Abe ! Spring out and oncupple the dogs, and take car
they don't knock them guns overboard. Now, Capting,
we will have a deer movin' afore you can tell who's
your daddy.
A YANKEE
THAT COULDN'T TALK SPANISH.
BY JOHN A. STUART, ESQ. OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
The late editor of the American side of the New Orleans " Bee,"-
Alexander C. Bullitt, Esq. now of the " Picayune," occasionally
indulges in a flight of fancy (which he appropriately terms " bal-
loonery,") that would provoke a laugh under the very ribs of death.
His " quips and sentences, and paper pellets of the brain," are irre
sistibly diverting. He has burst more waistbands, and split more
jackets, than we should care to pay for, judging from the damage
sustained in our own proper person. We were wont to think that
Bullitt, with Col. Greene of the Boston "Morning Post," and Pren
tice of the Louisville "Journal," would surely be the death of us;
but we never imagined ourselves in extremis until they were joined
by Stuart, of the Charleston "Mercury," an editor who rejoices in
an extraordinary fertility of imagination, combined with great flu
ency and felicity of expression. Subjoined is a specimen of his
style, to comprehend which, we must premise that the United States
ship Alert some time since affronted the Mexicans at San Diego, Cali
fornia, it being alleged that she threw overboard her ballast into the
harbour, and when remonstrated with, landed a boat's crew, and
spiked the guns of the fort ! These facts induced the following com
ments by Stuart :
THIS, as Matty Griggs said when the negro ate his
oysters and flung the shells into the coffee pot, " this
is rayther harsh treatment ;" and to muk /t the matter
worse, the local governor declares in his despatch to
president Santa Anna, that when his vicc-cxce^kaza,
after these Yankee ad captandums, sent to
140
A YANKEE THAT COULDN'T TALK iPANISH. 141
the little Alert meant by such sluttish behaviour, all the
reply he could get from our sea dog of a lieutenant
was, that " he couldn't talk Spanish." Provoking !
Empty a cart load of dead cats in a gentleman's gate
way, and then leap his fence and muzzle the yard dog
o keep him from barking ! Shocking conduct ! Pull
a Mexican's grand functionary's mahogany-handled
nose, and then tie his hands behind his back to bar his
striking ! Aggravating to a degree and decidedly
odd ! Scrape your boots on his soup-plate, and kick
away spoons, ladle, knife, fork, and bottle, and all things
comeatable, battleable, and head flingatable ! Annoy
ing certainly ! Cork his mouth with old Junk, and
then draw his teeth and sew up his jaw ! Unkind, to
say the least of it ! Kick his bustle, cut off his queue,
and pull off his wig, and pick his pistol out of his pocket
and spit in the pan and when he makes his bow com
plimentary, and his bridling interrogatory with his key-
hauties and ore rotundo non diminuendoes to your sha
dow, and hismillessimal addendoes to your vitality, and
his heigh signores ! and are-ye-done-dine-oh's for you
to bid him to be muda, and strike flat the thick rotun
dity of his grandiloquent protestandoes and shut up
his barrel organ, by shifting your ear trumpet into a
speaking trumpet, and bawling into the pricked ears of
the astonished Don Michael Tureen or Don Ferolo
Gridiron Hidalgo, to take the locked jaw and roll up his
molasses sucker for you can't talk Spanish ? Uncour-
teous and decidedly impolite! Hold your hammer
thus and changing your segar while he asks you mo
destly why you are spiking his great gun, pufFthe smoke
142 A YANKEE THAT COULDN'T TALK SPANISH.
in his face, and tell him you don't know what he is gab
bling about can't talk Spanish and hammer on?
Prodigiously cool! Enough to make the cannonized
leg of the Presidential Unipede (the very crus which De
Joinville disjointed at Vera Cruz) burst its cerements
unhosed from the wooden boot of its coffined calf cut
dirt from its grave lifting its heel to high heaven and
hopping stump downwards, crook its skeleton toes in
convulsive indignation : and it will tax all the diplo
matic tact of Major General Waddy Thompson, to lay
the perturbed ghost of the resurrectioned regiment of
foot, kicking at us with all its heroic sok, tooth and
toe-nails ! ! Nous verrons.
"OLD SENSE," OF ARKANSAS,
BY "N." OP THAT ILK.
For many years past the writer of the following anecdote has been one
of the most popular correspondents of the " Spirit of the Times," as
well as almost the only American writer who figures to manifest
advantage in the English Sporting Magazines. His pen is usually
devoted to the best interests of the American Turf, sporting intelli
gence, etc. ; but his humorous letters over the signature of " Col.
Pete Whetstone," have achieved for that personage an identity a*
clear as Samivel Weller, junior, or Messrs. Quirk, Gammon & Snap.
His communications are frequently interlarded with outline portraits
like the following :
SAM LAUGHMAN. "Who's Sam Laughman?" every body will ask.
Well, Sam is the Mayor of Uniontown, to which office he has been
thrice elected by the suffrages of his constituents ; and Uniontown
is the prettiest town in all Mississippi it can boast of the only spe
cie-paying bank in the State has a town-hall, church, many other
public buildings, and a race track, with everything else denoting a
Christianized community. But to Sam's story : A chap walking
ont, came across " Old Mose," sitting in the broiling sun, fishing.
" Well, Mose," said he, " what in the world are you doing thar ?"
"Fiffin!" (fishing). "What?" "Fiffinl" "Fishing well, what'*
the reason you can't talk ? what's in your mouth ?" " Oh, nuffin but
warns (worms) for bait 1" I hallooed for old Izaak, when Sam opened
his " wum" box.
But two of N's favourite " characters " are " OLD SENSE," and DAN
LOONEY, of whom the reader may form an idea by the subjoined
sketch.
THE way the natives sometimes talk here is amus
ing. The following dialogue lately occurred here on
the Devil's Fork of the Little Red (River.) Old Sense
45 143
144 "OLD SENSE,"
met Dan Looney ; they were strangers to each other.
Says " Old Sense,"
"Good morning, sir; are you well?"
" If you call a man ' well' that has run twenty miles,
I am that"
" Did you see any bear ?"
" If you call a big black thing about the size of PETE
WHETSTONE'S black mar, or boss, ' a bar? I did."
" Had you a gun !"
" Now you hit me."
" Did you draw blood ?"
" Do you call my double, double handsfull of brains,
blood?"
"Had you a dog?"
" Is Old Bose a dog ?"
"Did you skin him?"
" Well, if you call a man in his shirt sleeves, with a
Knife seventeen inches in the blade, among ribs and
meat, skinning, I was thar !"
"Was he fat?"
" Do you call cutting eighteen inches on the ribs,/aZ?"
" Did you pack him in ?"
" If you call four pony loads packing, why I packed
some!"
" Light loads, I reckon."
" If four hundred pounds to a pony is a light load,
they were light."
" Did you eat any of it ?"
" Do you call drinking a quart of bar's He, eating ?"
" You must have meat."
" If you call two thousand seven hundred pounds of
OF ARKANSAS. 145
clean meat, without a bone, safe inside of a smoke
house, meat, we have got some ."'
" They must be fat at your house?''
" Do you call a candle fat ?"
Here OLD SENSE brought a perfect squeal, and swore
e had found the very man he had been looking for.
P. S. They had closed a quarter race up the last
accounts.
With another sketch of an incident in the career of " Old Sense" and
his partner, we take our leave of " N. of Arkansas."
Since I mentioned Old Sense, I'll tell you what has
lately happened to him he got a most dreadful flog
ging. He let his pony into young Shoulderstrap's
old stud, and they had a fight, and the pony was about
to lay it on to the old stud, when up slipped Shoulder-
strap, and gathered a May-pole, and had well nigh made
a finish of poor Old Sense who left these diggins on
the strength of it. God knows where he is now I don't.
I saw his partner 'tother day. He is a great big tall
fellow, about half Injun; they call him Doctor, but he
don't practice any except in certain cases of necessity.
Last summer he kept a stud for old Mealbag, and
stood him part of his time at old Squire Chiney's.
The horse made a pretty good stand, and, from all
accounts, the doctor made another ; at any rate, him
and the old Squire had a monstrous falling out about
the time the season expired ; and had not the Squire
given his better half an awful flogging, one would have
been at a loss to know what the falling out was about ;
but since it is a fact that he did, "then and there, with
146 "OLD SENSE" OF ARKANSAS.
malice aforethought, both expressed and implied,''
most wantonly and brutishly " pounced" his old wife,
the natural supposition is, that her and Old Sense's
partner had been too thick perhaps as thick as " two
in a bed." But that does not justify old Chiney in
beating the poor old critter till the blood run, as he
most certainly did, and sent her forth in the world to
" shift for herself," almost without a " shift."
STOKE STOUT, OF LOUISIANA.
BY THORPE AND PATTERSON, OF THE " CONCORDIA INTELLIGENCER.''
The original " character" now introduced to the reader, first made his
appearance in the columns of the " Concordia Intelligencer," a capi
tal weekly journal published in a beautiful village opposite the city
of Natchez, on the western " coast" of the Mississippi river. Whe
ther the creation of Thorpe, or Patterson his partner, this deponent
saith not : but each has written so much and so well, as to care very
little whether we or the public "put the saddle on the right horse."
Mr. Stout's first letter was addressed to Thorpe, " the author of Tom
Owen the Bee Hunter," immediately upon his leaving New Orleans
to establish himself at Vidalia, and is to the following effect :
STOKE STOUT, OF LOUISIANA,
ON "THE WAY TO KILL WILD TURKEYS AND RHEUMATISM."
Bi-o CHUCK-A-LUCK, ~)
June the 14 teenth, 18 hundred fy 43 >
In the Stait ov loozy-anne. 3
WELL, Kernul, I sees as how youve kwit Orleens
and tuck up bout Videllai, but you newer sed nuthin
bout it to noboddy. Well Irae sorry fur your kwitten
the cittee, but Ime glad youve jined that uther Bobb
who is zactly thar with a kwil, and you ma sai " how
dy" tu him fur me. Well I thot az that I might az well
kill the roomeytiz by tellin you how I kill turkis, az to
grunt fur nuthin. So hears fur a hunt.
Well now fust you must have a rifel az iz zactly to
the spec. Bout the fust ov Octobur we ginerally takes
147
148 iTOKE 81 OUT.
to huntin rigler in the scratching an mine you must
hav a turky hown az iz bout 3 parts Dear Hown and
the tother pinter, tho sumtimes haf and haf will doo.
I knowd won wonst that wer a haf hown an ^ dog az
wer purty good, an a man cum along heer goin on 2
weez now az said az that he had wun az wur all dog, an
that he wer fust raght ; but, az I sed at fust, a tuch of
hown with a leetle plnter, maks a turki huntin dog sartin.
As I was sain, you taks yur hown in the woods and you
skeers up the turkis in the trees, an you pokes and
kreeps sow az if you seed wun all the time. The fust
thing you heer, you see the turkis goin in a streek off,
then you must go on furder, an when you gits right, you
must put sum bushes on a big logg and git behin it,
an yelp on yur kwil, whitch must be of kane, or a wing
bowne of a turki, az yelped coarse afor you killed it,
will do. Wei you must hav a flint lok, an then yu la
low, an snap an flash as much as you pleas, but the fust
cap as yu hexploads with a precushing gun the turkis
they put and wawks Sphanish, which means a turki
trot, an then to catch em yu must go on furder besides
makin turkis wilde. Iv seen bad huntin make turkis
so wild that they would run wen they heerd anybody
yelpt, and they would run every time they gobbled. A
feller down on Big Kooney sez az that heez seed em
so wild az that they would cluck an put rown his tree
an when the old wun cum up they would fly off an wait
to kno for sartin it was her, an that he has seen em
put their heds in swamp hols, an hollar logs afore they
gobbled. But I cant certifi to this fellers tails, but sar-
Un turnip kno what yu want an aint thar wen yu pokes
STOKE STOUT. 149
yur hed rown a tree for em. Well, this kind of huntin
continus tu about the Middel of febberry, an then yu
must leav yur turki hown at home, az the hens begin
tu lai thar egs, an no rale hunter wil kil any more until
the fust of Octobure cums agin. Well, yu goz on
mornins and evenins, an yu pokes an kreeps bout like
snaix (you kno how snaix goz) an this wa sumtims yu
gits wun an sumtims yu dont git wun ; whil this iz goin
on yu haz rale sport, and yu uze your kane or kvvil so
as to attrak the gobblers az iz now struttin an a gob-
blin off sum of that sort a feelin az iz purty kommon to
awl the awnymals bout this seezen o' the year. Sum
peeple murder the turkis this time o' year by roosten
em (finding their roosts) an buckshooten on em, but no
rale hunter wil do that, less he haz cumpenny az wants
gaim, or sum ladi wants a turki tale for a phan, or sum
sich want.
Thar, I'm got a nu twinge in mi fute, an feal kinder
sleepy 2, and maybee the romeytis aint jist about got
me treed, but that diseease duz yerk a feller an mak
him vank an wurm, but it is lait an ile kwit.
Yourn az same az anne boddi.
I always sines myself
STOKE STOUT,
Tho Ime ginnerally called
<< OLD" STOKE;
[Old Stoke Stout is one of the genuine turkey hunt
ers of Louisiana, and we are glad that the " roomeytis"
has driven him from necessity to use his " kwil" in the
literary, as well as in the " turki huntin' " line. He is
150 STRAY SUBJECTS.
worthy of a better cause, to pass off muslin (New York
for cotton) for linen. What a contemptuous opinion of
the intellects of Gotham the tall young man of twenty
must entertain as a basis for his project ! Then we pic
tured a very soft-spoken and very verdant gentleman in
sewed boots and an intellectual- looking hat, with a mild
description of checked gingham for a neckcloth, who
meets the audacious pedlar, falls into the trap, sees no
muslin in the sanguine and blooming view he takes of a
shirt-pattern, and parts with an excellent pair of doe
skins, which he has worn but once, for an article dear at
four shillings York currency.
' But with the morning
Cool reflection comes.'
An astute matron his housekeeper perhaps at one
dexterous tweak, accompanied by one flash of a pair of
horn-bowed spectacles, detects the imposition. The
verdant gentleman in the intellectual hat, sinks into a
chair beneath the mingled pressure of shame and indig
nation, and only rouses therefrom in the first rush of an
inspiration, under the influence of which he pens the ad
vertisement we have copied, and which cost him six
shillings (York again), for insertion in the Sun. It
never occurs to him that the tall young man of twenty'
would snap his fingers at the threat, well knowing that
if his victim knew where to find him or could prove his
guilt, he would at once place a c Star' policeman on his
. track, instead of uttering vague threats and cautions in
the newspapers. Happily ignorant of this, the soft
headed gentleman buttons his muslin shirt to his throat,
and indulges in a romantic vision of a return of the < tall
young gentleman of twenty,' in penitential tears, with the
HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT. 151
doeskins neatly folded on his arm those doeskins that
have seen the light but once in the summer stillness of a
Sabbath day at Harlem. Queer things these adver
tisements !
F. A. D.
HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT.
To the multitude acquainted with the miseries and
mysteries of a < first-rate boarding-house' in New York
the following sketch contains but little interest. The
many who have never been ' thar,' however, may disco
ver a sort of philosophy in the story ; and should any find
themselves similarly circumstanced, let them adopt a
like remedy, and < take our hat' if the critter is n't
druv out!'
In the year 183 , I had taken lodgings in a * respect
able' boarding-place in street, and a four months'
residence had fairly initiated me. I was scarcely twenty,
yet I had been plundered of my wardrobe, by a stran
ger, who was < stopping only a day or two ;' I had paid
the supper-bills at Delmonico's for half-a-score of the
knowin' ones, who had invited me to participate with
them, and who had either < left their pocket-books at
home,' or who had prematurely < stepped out,' as I was
finishing my last cup of chocolate. I had run the
< neffy* gauntlet, and was perfectly well acquainted with
the shortest cut both to and from Passandro's ! I had
been four months in Gotham and it was midsummer.
The good lady of the house was one of the few who
paid her bills, regularly. And well she might! Her
152 STOKE STOUT.
bluffs 'bout 8 foot hi. In this fix I stared the bull in
the fase, an' twixt the horns, an' thout how mutch he
mit way, an' seed how strong he lookt, an' felt I wur
a fool for not killin' him 2 yer afore ; an I lookt sharp,
an 1 stared, an' grind mi teath, an' winct, an' maid
mowths at him, but he only lookt fearser an' fearser.
An' then I wisht him sich gude grasse, an' sitch gude
wawter, an' sitch gude every ting, az I node he would
finde in a field, I thot ov, a half ov a mile offe ; an' I
wished this harde awl the tyme, an' I buggun to swett
powurfullye, an it drapt offe ov mee.
Well, sum how, whil I stared at the bull, an' wisht
him every whar ruther than whar he wur, " Old Tony,"
that wus his nayme, lookt sleepilike, an' I wundered
if. he mout be gettin' asleepe shure a nuff, but I wur
afeered to try an' sea ; but he stude so purpendicklar,
that I thout I wur gawn fur sartin. So I prayde what
littell I node how, art kept starirf the bull in the face all
the tyme. Directly, for I'me unabell to maike any kawl-
kalashun of the tyme, (now min', this iz a fac,) I tell
yu fur sartin, that old Mr. Stiggins' old yaller bull,
" Toney," turned hisself rown, a' maide rite far the
very plase Yde been wishin* him at. I gott out ov the
hole, gathured mi gunn, maide trax up the nex hil, tu
whar my kreeter wer hitcht, an' I kwit them " scratch-
ins" fur the laste time, kwicer nor I never maide owt
ov any woodst yit. When I kum 2 like, an' kood
brethe a little, T buggun to thinck, an' I wer pestured
mitily ; an' az soon az I gott tu the howse, I tells Mister
Adverb, the skool teecher, 'bout it, an' he saide to mee,
STOKE STOUT. 153
Yu mesmerized the bull, an' then maide him gow
tu the phield yu wisht him att." It may be so, but I
shall nuver furget the jogriphy ov that hollar in which
the bull kawt me.
Yours, az same as anne bodie.
STOKE STOUT.
LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS,
BY AN EX-GOVERNOR OF A COTTON-GROWING STATE.
The following sketch is furnished by one of the most distinguished men
in the Union. We are not at liberty to name him, but he will be re
cognized by most readers at the South and West.
THREE years ago, of a pleasant cool day in the
spring, I was on my way, through the Washita Cove,
(Arkansas,) to Fort Smith. I had ridden hard to get
to the Widow Gaston's. It was drawing towards sun
set, and my horse, like myself, was pretty well tired.
At length I met two boys riding one pony, and he bare
backed, with a leather tug round his under lip for a
bridle. There was to be, as I afterwards learned, a
wedding at the widow's that night, and they were going
to bring the bridegroom.
" How far is it to the Widow Gaston's, my boy ?"
said I.
" A mile and a half," responded the larger one.
" Can I stay there to-night ?"
" I reckon not," was the response : " she's not fixed
to take in travellers ; and besides, there's going to be
company there to-night." At this we separated. By
means of hard drumming with their heels a gallop was
extracted from the pony, and they were soon out of
sight.
I rode on to the Widow's, and asked her if I could
154
LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS. 155
stay there ? She said I could not. " Well, madam,"
aid I, " how far is it to the next house ?"
" Three quarters."
" And how far to the next ?"
" Twenty-four miles."
I then asked her whether, if I went on to Royal's
(the next house), and could not stop there, I could re
turn and stay at her house, and she told me she reck
oned I would have to do it.
I pushed on towards Royal's, met him on horseback,
just in sight of his house, and inquired if I could stay
with him ?
" No, you can't," was his response.
" Why not ?" said I.
" Why," said he, " I am just going to get a doctor,
and my wife is a-going to be confined to-night."
" Well, my friend," said I, " you guess a great deal
better here than we do in my country." And so back
I went to the Widow's.
At the Widow's I found her daughter, who was to be
married, waiting for the groom. She was really a
beautiful girl, with bright eyes, long black hair, a white
band round her head, white dress, red shoes, and no
stockings. Soon after I stopped, the two boys were in
sight, coming at the top of pony's speed, and shouting
vociferously, " Here he comes ! here he comes !" Just
behind them came the bridegroom, a great, clumsy,
hulking, cur-dog looking fellow, in full dress of leather.
The girl, when she heard the outcry, got up and stood
in the door-way, twisting a handkerchief in her hands,
and as he came in sight (they had not met for sbr
156 LIFE AND MANNERS
months) she fell to crying. He came to the door, and
without speaking to her, sat down on the outside. After
a time in Parson came, dressed in leather breeches,
with one shoe and one moccasin, and a straw hat, with
half the brim torn off. Soon after the attendants came,
two girls and two or three young men ; and the groom
came in and sat down by the girl, without saying a
word, she still crying. The parson requested the at
tendants to tell him to come up and be married. He
looked up, and responded gruffly, " I don't allow to be
in a hurry about it." The attendant made his report
accordingly, whereat the parson cried out loudly, " All
candidates for matrimony come forward." At this
Hunter came forward alone ; and being sent back,
seized the girl by the arm, lugged her up and brought
her forward. The parson was scared into fits, mum
bled over the service indistinctly, and told them they
were man and wife.
I then retired into the shed, which was attached to
the rear of the solitary room composing the house.
Soon after one of the attendants came in and enquired
the hour. I told him ten o'clock. He gave a grunt of
dissatisfaction, and it then struck me that, as it was
Sunday, they were waiting for twelve to arrive, in order
to commence the frolic. Accordingly when, a little
time after, he again enquired the hour, I told him ten
minutes after twelve, and he gave a jump which carried
his head through the clap-boards of the roof. I went
out with him to see the frolic, and told the Widow that
in my part of the country it was the fashion to kiss
round at weddings, and so proceeded to kiss her. She
IK ARKANSAS. 157
made strenuous opposition, and told me I had got hold
of the wrong person she was not one of that sort.
However, I succeeded in doing the penance, and then
repaid myself by making the same overture to the bride.
She covered her mouth with her hand, so that it was
with great difficulty I at last kissed one corner ; but
when I had done so she paid me back with interest, and
did not seem to want to quit. All took to kissing, and
then to playing " Sister Phebe." The girls placed a
man in the chair, and sung
" How happy, how happy, how happy was we,
When we sat under the juniper tree ;
Put this hat on your head to keep it warm,
And take a good kiss, it will do you no harm."
They then put a hat on his head, and two of them sat
down on his lap, placing their faces close on each side
of his, so that he could with difficulty turn his head and
kiss them. And so they went through all the trees in
the forest.
After two or three hours the girls took the bride into
the shed room, and then told the groom it was time to
go to bed. His response was, " I don't allow to go to
bed to-night." They inquired what he intended to do.
"Why," said he, "Sister Phebe does me very well."
So they got the bride up, dressed her, and went to play
ing again, and so we passed the night.
The next night I tried to stop at the house of Squire
Moore. I met him near his house, and asked him if 1
could stay. " I reckon not."
" Why, what is the matter ?" said I.
" I'm plumb out of bread."
K
158 LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS.
" That makes no difference I can get along well
enough with meat."
" But I'm spang out of meat, and I've had mighty
bad luck, for I've been out bar-hunting all day, and 1
haven't seen a bar."
But I was still more amused, said B , in passing
through Parailigta, on my way here. There are but
two families living in the town, who have one cow and
one child between them, and one family takes the milk
in the morning, and the other at night. Early in the
morning I heard an old man calling up an old sow,
which I had noticed the night before running about
with four pigs. The woods were vocal with the cry of
Pigooee pigooee pig pig pigee! and directly 1
heard him say " Lige, do you feed that sow, and don't
feed her mighty much neither ; and mind drive away
them chickens while she's eating ; when the d d
things go to roost you feed her again, and feed her
good. I reckon we'll come it over 'em in that way."
Did you ever hear how B P avoided a duel?
He is a full-blooded Yankee, and while in the South on
business, managed to be challenged by a fiery Southron.
P is a big, good-natured, excellent fellow, and
though brave enough, saw no propriety in fighting when
that operation would injure his business. So, thinking
over the matter, and seeing that he had to fight, or
manoeuvre out of it honourably, he forthwith took the
challenge to a notary, had it regularly protested, and
notice duly given to the drawer. The intended fignt
went off in an explosion of fun.
ANECDOTES OF THE ARKANSAS BAE,
BY A BACKWOODS LAWYER.
As the author of " Hymns to the Gods," which appeared in Black-
wood's Magazine some years since, ALBERT PIKE, of Arkansas, ac
quired at once the highest distinction as a poet. He is a worthy son
of New England, and is yet quite young. Upon returning from an
expedition to Santa Fe, some years since, he settled in Arkansas,
where, after " mauling rails," keeping school, editing a paper, and
studying law, he has at length reached the head of his profession the
law. He is at this moment quite the most distinguished man of his
age in the state, whether as a lawyer or politician. Since the late
presidential election he writes us that he is " going back to his books"
again a circumstance that will be hailed with gratification by thou
sands. Pike relates anecdotes, stories, etc., with inimitable humour
and spirit. At our request he wrote out the following anecdotes of
the Arkansas Bar, but they are tame when compared with his impas
sioned recital.
THE pretty little village of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, lies
on each side of a line dividing two quarter sections of
land, owned by different persons the upper one by a
person named Pullen, the lower by a person named
Davies. Puiien first laid off a town, after running a
principal line between the quarter sections upon his own
land, and numbered the lots, beginning with No. 1 at
the river, on the north of the drawn line, which ran out
at right angles with the river. A pragmatical old
Frenchman, one Antoine Baraque, educated for a monk
in France, and afterwards a commissary in Napoleon's
46 159
160 ANECDOTES OF THE
Spanish army of invasion a small, adust, impetuous
old man bought lot No. 1, received, and caused to be
recorded, a deed to it from Pullen. The line was after
wards run out by Pullen and Davies, and it was ascer
tained that Pullen's original line was wrong, and that
the true line so struck the river as to cut off lot No. .X
entirely, throwing it upon Davies' quarter section. Da-
vies then commenced laying off a town on his side, by
lots of the same size as Pullen's, and numbering down
river from the line, so that what was lot No. 1 on Pul
len's town, became lot No. 1 on Davies' town, and was
by the latter sold to a stout, ruddy, athletic Frenchman,
named Joe Bonne.
Baraque found it impossible to understand the new
order of things ; and meeting Davies soon after, enter
ed upon an expostulation with him upon his conduct,
and the consequences to himself resulting from it.
"Good God!" said he, " Meestare Davies, I 'ave my
lot No. 1 in de town of Pine Bluff from dat Mr. Pul
len, and 'ave my deed record in de clerk's office of de
county lot No. 1, in de town of Pine Bluff! Ha ! you
no see you 'ave rob me of my land. By gar, dere is
my deed on record, and I will 'ave my land. I 'ave buy
dat lot, and you number him lot No. 1, and he is my
lot."
" But, my dear sir," said Davies, " you bought of
Pullen, and the lot was not upon his land. When thn
true line was run, the lot fell on my quarter section."
" G dam de line," hotly responded Baraque ;
" what you 'spect I care for your dam line ! Dare is
my deed on record for lot No. 1, in de town of Pine
ARKANSAS BAB. 161
Bluff, and you number dat lot so, and by gar, I will
'ave my lot."
" Oh, well, said Davies, " if that is all, I will com
mence numbering my lots down in the swamp, and
number them up, and then your lot will be lot No. 1 no
longer."
" Oh, by gar," cried Baraque, " dat would be one
dam rascally ting, to rob me of my property in dat
way ; and I shall bring one suit for my lot."
Sue he did, accordingly, by action of ejectment
against Joe Bonne, and employed Colonel Fowler to
carry on his suit. During the six months that inter
vened between the commencement of the suit and the
sitting of the court, he wrote Fowler, on an average, a
letter a week. The cause came on for trial Baraque
was beaten, of course, and then refused to pay Fowler
his fee. Fowler thereupon commenced suit against
him. Baraque, upon this, healed up the breach be
tween himself and Joe Bonne, and subpo3naed him as
a witness.
When the cause came on for trial, our two French
men sat cosily in court, cheek-by-jowl, and as the trial
progressed, Baraque often whispered merrily in Joe
Bonne's ear. Fowler at length offered to read divers
letters from Baraque in evidence ; and selecting one,
commenced. It ran thus :
" Mr. Colonel Absalom Foicler, Now I want you to
be sure and be at court to attend to dat cause of mine
aginst dat dam Joe Bonne, for my lot No. 1, in de
town of Pine Bluff," &c.
Fowler a formal, stiff, and precise man read the
162 ANECDOTES OF THE
letter through without a wink or smile, and proceeded
to read another, and another. The third or fourth
began in this style :
" Mr. Colonel Absalom Fowler, Sir, I want you to
be sure and see to dat case of mine aginst dat dam
rascal Joe Bonne. I have no idea of being rob of my
land in dat dam rascally way, and I will 'ave you know
dat I am bound to succeed."
Joe drew off from Baraque, and cast upon him fierce
glances of anger, and Baraque turned red and pale
alternately. Fowler drew out another and commenced
reading :
" Dear Mr. Colonel Fowler, I will 'ave you know,
sare, I must be sure and 'ave you at Court and see to
my case against dat dam rascal Joe Bonne. Who stole
de hog? Ha! I nevare steal any hog. If anybody
want to know who stole de hog, let dem ask Joe
Bonne."
This capped the climax. Joe shook his fist in Ba-
raque's face, and the latter rushed out of Court.
Bench, bar, and jury, burst into universal laughter,
and without further evidence Fowler took his judg
ment.
Speaking of Courts, reminds me of some of our
specimens of forensic eloquence, pathetic in the highest
degree. A limb of the law, who has been a Circuit
Judge and Senator, once defended a client for assault
and battery before two Justices, and opened his
case thus:
" May it please your Honours ! I appears before
you this day, an humble advocate of the people's rights,
ARKANSAS BAR. 163
to redress the people's wrongs. Justice, may it please
your Honours, justice is all we ask ; and justice is due,
from the tallest and highest archangel that sits upon
the thrones of heaven, to the meanest and most in
significant demon that hroils upon the coals of hell. If
my client, may it please your Honours, has been guilty
of any offence at all, unknown to the catalogue of the
law, he has been guilty of the littlest and most insig
nificant offence which has ever been committed from
the time when the ' morning stars sung together with
joy, shout heavenly muse !' '
Another eminent member of the bar, who has made
a fortune by his practice, once in a murder case, in
which I was engaged with him, the prisoner having
committed the act while intoxicated, said to the jury in
the course of his speech : " Gentlemen of the jury, it
is a principle congenial with the creation of the world,
and handed down from posterity, that drunkenness
always goes in commiseration of damages."
At another time he told a jury, that a person indicted
for assault and battery, " beat and bruised the boy, and
amalgamated his head." And finally, in an action for
slander, brought by a female client against one Thomas
Williams, who had uttered some injurious imputations
against her virgin purity, he thus broke forth : "Who
is this Tom Williams, gentlemen of the jury, that comes
riding out of the Cherokee nation, on the suburbs of
posterity ? He knocked at my client's door at the dead
hour of the night, and she refused to get up and let him
in. Wasn't this a proof of her virginity ?"
HOSS ALLEN, OF MISSOURI.
The following sketch is by the author of " Sioallovnng an Oyster JIUveF'
and was originally published in the St. Louis "Reveill6."
THIS celebrated gentleman is a recognized " hoss"
certainly; and, we are told, rejoices as much at his cog-
nomination, as he did at his nomination for the chair
gubernatorial, last election. He did not run well enough
to reach the chair, though it appears from his own ac
count, that his hoss qualities, " any how," fall consider
ably below those of the sure-enough animal. This ia
his story which he is very fond of relating up by Pal-
myry.
"You see, boys, I came to the d d river, and found
I had to swim. Had best clothes on, and didn't know
what to do! 'What river?' Why, Salt river. Our Salt,
here in Missouri, d d thing, always full when don't
want it. Well, boys, you knows hoss Allen ! no back
out in him, any how! Stripped to the skin, just tied
clothes up in bundle, strapped it on to the critter's head,
and 'cross we swum together. Well, don't you think,
while I was gittin' up the bank, the d d thing got
away, and started off with my clothes on his head ! and
the more I run, and hollered, and 'whoa'd,' the more
I couldn't catch the cussed varmint ! 'Way he'd go,
and I arter hot as h 11, too, all the way, and yaller
164
BOSS ALLE9. 105
flies about and when I did get tol'ble near, he'd stop
and look, cock his ears, and give a snuff, as if he never
smelt a man afore, and then streak it off agin as if I
had been an Ingin! Well, boys, all I had to do was
to keep afollerin' on, and keep flies off; and I did, till
we come to a slough, and, says I, now old feller, I got
you, and I driv him in. Well, arter all, do you know,
fellers, the d d critter wouldn't stick! he went in and
in, and by'm-by came to a deep place, and swum right
across a fact, true as thunder ! Well, you see, when
I cum to the deep place, I swum, too ; and do you
know that that d d beast just nat'rally waited till I got
out, and looked at me all over, and I could act'ily see
him laffin ! and I was nasty enough to make a hoss
laugh, any how!
Well, thinks I, old feller, recon you'v had fun enough
with me now, so I gits some sticks and scrapes myself
all over, and got tol'ble white agin, and then begins to
coax the d d varmint. Well, I * whoa'd,' and ' old
boy'd,' and cum up right civil to him, I tell ye, and he
took it mighty condescendin', too ; and jist when I had
him, sure cussed if he didn't go right back into the
slough agin, swum the deep place, walked out, and
stood on t'other side waitin' for me.
" Well, by this time the d d yaller flies cum at me
agin, and I jist nat'rally went in arter the blasted beast,
and stood afore him, on t'other side, just as nasty as
before did by thunder, boys ! Well, he Iqffed agin
till he nearly shook the bundle off, and 'way he went,
back agin, three miles to the river, and then he jist
stopped dead and waited till I cum up to him, and jist
166 HOSS ALLEN.
kind a axed me to cum and take hold of the bridle,
and then guv a kick and a 'ruction and went in agin,
laffin all the time ; and, right in the middle, d m me,
if he didn't shake my clothes off, and 'way they went,
down stream, while he swum ashore, and I, just nat'-
rally, lay down on the bank, and cussed all creation.
" Well, you see, boys, there I lays 'bove a hour, when
I sees a feller pullin' up stream in a skift, a-tryin' on a
coat ; and says I, stranger, see here, when you're done
gittin' my coat on, I'll thank you for my shirt ! and the
feller sees how it was, and pulls a-shore, and helps me.
I tell you what boys, you may talk of hoss lafs, but
when you want a good one, just think of Hoss Allen '"
PULLING TEETH IN MISSISSIPPI,
BY UNCLE JOHNNY.
The following " Tooth-pulling Story" purports to have been related by
" Uncle Johnny" to " Obe Oilstone," a well-known Mississippi cor
respondent of the " Spirit of the Times." It was to " Uncle Johnny"
that we were indebted for " That Big Dog Fight at Myers's .'" It will
be seen that the present story is " told on" our amusing correspond
ent himself.
ELECTION day is a day away out here in the woods,
and notwithstanding we have precincts . scattered
throughout the counties, yet the county seat is the place
at which most do congregate, for the triple purpose of
voting, spreeing, and lastly, for the peculiar pleasure
of witnessing the beginning ay, "the opening of the
ball" of the " Fall Fighting Campaign," which inter
esting event is usually postponed to that exciting period,
when party excitement and individual misunderstand
ing, leave a man very little hesitancy to " pitch" into
his neighbour ; this comes not oftener than two years
often enough, however, for " regular work."
Having the common anxiety to see the first " regu
lar despatch," I arrived early at Fayette, (our county
seat,) on the 4th November last, when and where I had
the good luck to see the campaign open ; the anxiety,
among the numerous spectators, to continue the sport,
was really commendable. Both claimed the victory,
but the ring declared " a dead match ;" another heat
167
168 PULLING TEETH
was promised by the defendant I immediately staked
a hat on him " what got gouged."
Whilst in the crowd, a well-known voice addressed
me, " Hallo, boy ! come over here ! How are you ? I
say, it's your treat, now, certain. Come in, men."
" Certainly, Uncle Johnny," said I " pleasure al
ways to treat you"
" Me ? I'm if you don't treat the whole crowd !
Rosser, tell all them men to come in ! Hyena's breakin'
chains and things ! Eh ! You thot I'd never see a
paper, did you ? Well, well, I don't care a cuss about
it myself, but the fact is, ' Old Iron's' in town now,
and he says when he sees you thar'll be another Dog
Fite ; so if you see him gittin' anyways high, wharfs
your hoss? Well, well, jist keep out'n his way. Is you
seen Wills sense them fellers was a pullin' his tooth?"
" What fellows ?" was the immediate inquiry.
" Oh, ho ! and so, my boy, you aint said nothin' about
it, eh ' Well that is rich, fond of ritirt stories, but never
tells 'em, eh ! Well, I'll"
" Uncle Johnny, don't tell tales out of school, if you
please. Recollect you should do unto others as"
" I am done by, that's a fact, by gracious, so I'll
jist out with it.
" You see, 'twas the night arter the big dinner up here,
and Wade got a crowd of youngsters to go home with
him for some fun. Jist afore they gits to Wade's they
overtakes me, and I took him up at his first offer to go
by too he keeps good licker, Wade does. Well,
arter supper I seen the boys was in for a frolic. I took
two or three hands with 'em at cards, and after pun-
"The doctor settin' straddle of his breast, in his shirt-tail, with a pair of bullet
niok'K in his hands, tryin' to pull out one of his teeth.'' Page 171.
iw MISSISSIPPI. 171
isnin' sum of the old stuff", I lays down. Well, I spose
it wanted about two hours to day, when I was roused
with the vvakenest noise I ever riz to. I can't hardly tell
how they was all fixed in that room, but thar lay Wills
flat on his back on the floor, a big nigger a holt of
each hand, holdin' him spred out the doctor settin'
straddle of his brest, in his shirt tail, with a pair of
bullet moles in his hands, tryin' to pull out one of his
teeth ! Then thar sat Henry B nes, from Clair-
borne county, at his head, a holdin' the candle, and
every now and then he would reach one hand over and
hyst Wills's upper lip for the doctor to get the moles
onto his tooth. Henry had a big pair of goat locks un
der his chin, and in peepin' over at the opperation he'd
git 'em right over the candle and they'd swinge. I seed
him keep turnin' up his nose like he smelt somethin' a
burnin', but he never dreamed it was his whiskers. Wills
was a gruntin' powerful, and what between gruntin'
and the hiccups, I thort he'd strangle. Major Bob was
thar, too, and he had on a wonderful short shirt for a
big fat man. He swore he could beat that doctor a
pullin' teeth and he was hollerin for his 'insterments!'
(a hammer and nail) to knock it out ! They got the
nail, and as they could'nt find a hammer, in they fetch
ed a pair of shoemaker's pinchers that's got a sort of
hammer on one side. The doctor dropt the moles, for
he found out that every time he'd jerk, they'd slip, so
he sings out for the pinchers swore they were his
favorite insterments always used 'em beat pullicans
to h !
"Well, you never did see a drunken set so busy
172 PULLING TEETH
about a serious job ! Every one was in ded ernest try in'
to help Wills, and he was a takin' on wonderful, that's
a fact ! The doctor set to work with the pinchers, and
there sot Henry with the pleasinest countenance (and
when he gits three sheets spred, and is tryin' to unfarl
the fourth, he can jist out-laugh the univarse, or I'll
borrow a hat to go home with !) there sot Henry reddy
to hist Wills's upper lip when the doctor would staggei
that way. Well, he got reddy Henry histed his lip,
and arter two or three false jerks, he found the ham
mer was on the wrong side of the pinchers for that
tooth, so he turns in and asks Wills on which side the
akin tooth was ? He said he did'nt know ! So he
fastens 'em onto a sound tooth on tother side. But the
Major had got impatient, so he riz pulled his shirt as
low as he could git it, (and then it did'nt hide nothin')
picks up the tongs, walks round, and puts one foot on
Wills's brest before the doctor, and says he, ' Doctor,
you've been sittin' cross that man for three hours ! You
can't pull no tooth, nor never could ! Git up, man, git
up ! I can jist take these tongs, and pull his tooth in
half the time.' But he had'nt a chance to try, for
Henry, who had been leanin' over to Wills's lip, puts
his chin right over the candle, and afore he knowed it,
his whiskers was in a big blaze ! He drops the candle
with a ' hooze' right into Wills's face the nigger let
go and jumpt Bob and the doctor fell in a lump, tongs
and all. Wills riz to his all-fours and made for the
gallery, with the stranglinest hiccups I ever heard ! I
follered the man out I rally thort he was stranglin' to
deth, but he had riz up by the gallery post, and was
IN MISSISSIPPI. 173
a heavin' and settin' ! It beat all tooth pullins I ever
seen. Says I, ' Curnel, what'fe you doin ?' says he,
' try in' to throw up (hie) that d tooth ! I think I
inust'er swallered it?
" Well, I looks around for this boy, and not seein'
him, I inquires, but they had bin so busy they hadn't
missed him. Think' s I, I'll take a turn around and
see if I can't find him a holdin' up the fence, somewhar !
Well, soon as I got out of the noise in the house, I hear
somebody hollerin' ; and there he was, sure enough,
huggin' a red oak, three feet thru. * Well,' says I,
' What's you doin here ?' ' Uncle Johnny, come here
for God sake come here,' says he, ' and put a rail up
agin this tree ! I'm mighty tired,' says he, ' it's right
easy now ; but when the wind blmcs, O Lord, but its
mity heavy hurrah, here it comes,' says he, and he
spread himself to it as he'd bin holdin' up the univarse !
Ha ! ha ! 'twas rich, to see him surgin' up agin that
tree to hold it up, and beggin me to prop it up with a
rail. I gits a rail, and leans it agin the tree. * Uncle
Johnny,' says he, 'had'nt you better git another? It's
a mity big tree and ruff at that.' * Let go,' says I,
' 'I wont fall these rails '11 hold it let go !' Soon as
he let go, slam bang he went agin the pickets knock
ed some off, and went clean thru ! ' G durn them
pickets ! they bin tryin' to run over me all night,'
says he, pickin' himself up mity awkward. I couldn't
Hold in, he talked so natral. ' Why,' says I, ' you run
over them? ' Oh, no,' says he, 'what with holdin' that
tree up, and gittin' round on t'other side at the same
, to git out in the pickets' way, is nily took nil the
174 PULLING TEETH IN MISSISSIPPI.
flesh off 'n ray arms that's proof, aint it ?' Well, I
could'nt begin to lead him to the house, so jist got be
hind and pushed him. He's a little man, but you ort'er
bin thar if you aint never seen a man walk tall; every
time he stept, his legs went out to right angles. I say,
ow's your arms got ?"
" That'll do now, Uncle Johnny treat, won't you?"
" Now you hit me. Come in men, what'll you pull
your tooth with?"
THE WAY "LIGE" SHADDOCK
SCARED UP A JACK."
The following sketch was suggested to the writer a capital Missis
sippi correspondent of the "Spirit of the Times" by HOOPER'S story
(previously given in this volume) of " How Simon Suggs raised Jack /"
Now, it is barely possible that you never heard of
Lige or Elijah Shaddock, commonly called " Judge."
I say barely possible, for I think I have heard that you
caused yourself to be towed up this river, and if you
did, you heard of " Lige." He has been pilot on this
river ever since it commenced running ! The oldest
inhabitants only recollect him in flat-boat times that
was before steamers ran but the Indians have a tra
dition that a white man used to pilot drift logs to the
Balize and turn them loose ; and I have heard it hinted
that a man very much resembling Lige, was at the
steering oar of Capt. Noah's craft, at the time of the
big fresh I forget the year. What we call the Lower
Mississippi from Vicksburg to New Orleans never
changes its channel without consulting him; this fact
is certain. I do not say that he invented cards, but
rather think he was the man. If you will step on board
the fastest New Orleans and Vicksburg packet the
night she lays at Vicksburg, you may notice Elijah
L 175
176 . "LIGE" SHADDOCK.
making expenses somewhere about the social hall. It
may be crack-loo, poker, brag, or set-back-euchre, but
he is not losing any thing.
I remember well the first time we met. It was on a
fast Mississippi steamer, long time ago. It was a fair
game, but he played it monstrous strong. Well, about
" That Big Dog," I mean the gambler. He did not
know Shaddock, and got in a little game of poker with
him. He soon discovered that he was small potatoes,
and after losing fifty or sixty dollars, he concluded
that if by any trick he could recover his money, he
would let Shaddock alone in future ; so he blocks the
game of poker, and proposed to bet Shaddock fifty dol
lars that he could turn a Jack at the first trial. Shad
dock refused to bet, but immediately proposed a game
of old sledge. In a short time the gambler had lost
fifty dollars more, and began to show symptoms of dis
tress. Says Shaddock, " I have been thinking of what
you proposed a while ago ; d d if I dorft bet fifty you
can't do it." The hundred was instantly on the table.
The gambler took the whole pack and threw them on
the table face up! "No you don't," says Shaddock.
" Yes I do," says the gambler, " it was fairly done."
Lige has a way of dropping one corner of his eye and
mouth at the same time I don't know how he does it
it's a way he's got but whenever you see it, there
is something out. Well, just as the gambler claimed his
throw for a fair one, this peculiarity might have been
observed on Elijah's countenance. Stretching himself
on tip-toe to see over the heads of the crowd collected
"LIGE" SHADDOCK. 177
round the table, he observed, " If there is a Jack in THAT
pack, Til be d d!" which proved to be the fact.
This put the gambler's pipe entirely out, and he left
in disgust. I always supposed, iry<e!f, that them Jacks
got lost out quite promiscuous^ fir^rr _Ka litxle garcu*
f " seven up."
47
COUSIN SALLY DILLIARD,
A LEGAL SKETCH IN THE "OLD NORTH STATE.'
The following inimitable sketch has gone the rounds of the American
press some half a dozen times. It is understood to have been
written by HAMILTON C. JONES, ESQ. and was originally published
ten years or more since. Who knows but this sketch may have
suggested to Judge LONGSTREET his side-splitting " Georgia Scenes?"
It may have induced the authorship, by the late professor NOTT, of
South Carolina, of his "Adventures of Thomas Singularity, journey
man printer," one of the most entertaining books ever written in tho
south.
SCENE A Court of Justice in North Carolina.
A BEARDLESS disciple of Themis rises, and thus ad
dresses the Court : " May it please your Worships, and
you, Gentlemen of the Jury, since it has been my for
tune (good or bad, I will not say) to exercise myself in
legal disquisitions, it has never befallen me to be obliged
to prosecute so direful, marked, and malicious an
assault a more wilful, violent, dangerous battery and
finally, a more diabolical breach of the peace, has sel
dom happened in a civilized country ; and I dare say it
has seldom been your duty to pass upon one so shock
ing to benevolent feelings, as this which took place
over at Captain Rice's, in this county. But you will
hear from the witnesses.
The witnesses being sworn, two or three were ex
amined and deposed one said that he heard the noise,
178
COUSIN SALLY DILLIARD. 179
and did not see the fight ; another that he seen the row,
but didn't know who struck first and a third, that he
was very drunk, and couldn't say much about the skrira-
mage.
Lawyer Chops. I am sorry, gentlemen, to have
occupied your time with the stupidity of the witnesses
examined. It arises, gentlemen, altogether from mis
apprehension on my part. Had I known, as I now do,
that I had a witness in attendance who was well ac
quainted with all the circumstances of the case, and
who was able to make himself clearly understood by
the court and jury, I should not so long have trespassed
upon your time and patience. Come forward, Mr. Har
ris, and be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, a fat, shuffy old man,
a " leetle" corned, and took his oath with an air.
Chops. Harris, we wish you to tell all about the riot
that happened the other day at Captain Rice's ; and as
a good deal of time has already been wasted in circum
locution, we wish you to be compendious, and at the
same time as explicit, as possible.
Harris. Adzactly (giving the lawyer a knowing
wink, and at the same time clearing his throat). Captain
Rice, he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Billiard, she came
over to our house and axed me if my wife she moutn't
gp ? I told cousin Sally Billiard that my wife was
poorly, being as how she had a touch of the rheumatics
in the hip, and the big swamp was in the road and the
big swamp was up, for there had been a heap of rain
lately ; but howsomever, as it was she, cousin Sally
Billiard my wife she mout go. Well, cousin Sally
180 COUSIN SALLY BILLIARD.
Dilliard then axed me if Mose he moutn't go ? I told
cousin Sally Dilliard that he was the foreman of the
crap, and the crap was smartly in the grass ; but how-
somever as it was she, cousin Sally Dilliard, Mose he
mout go
Chops. In the name of common sense, Mr. Harris,
what do you mean by this rigmarole ?
Witness. Captain Rice, he gin a treat, and cousin
Sally Dilliard she came over to our house and axed me
if my wife she moutn't go ? I told cousin Sally Dil-
liard
Chops. Stop, sir, if you please ; we don't want to
hear anything about your cousin Sally Dilliard and your
wife tell us about the fight at Rice's.
Witness. Well, I will, sir, if you will let me.
Chops. Well, sir, go on.
Witness. Well, sir, Captain Rice he gin a treat, and
cousin Sally Dilliard she come over to our house and
axed me if my wife she moutn't go
Chops. There it is again. Witness, please to stop.
Witness. Well, sir, what do you want ?
Chops. We want to know about the fight, and you
must not proceed in this impertinent story. Do you
know anything about the matter before the court ?
Witness. To be sure I do.
Chops. Well, go on and tell it, and nothing else.
Witness. Well, Captain Rice he gin a treat
Chops. This is intolerable. May it please the court,
I move that this witness be committed for a contempt ,
he seems to be trifling with this court.
Court. Witness, you are now before a court of jus-
COUSIN SALLY BILLIARD. 181
tice, and unless you behave yourself in a more becom
ing manner, you will be sent to jail ; so begin and telJ
what you know about the fight at Captain Rice's.
Witness [alarmed.] Well, gentlemen, Captain
Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard
Chops. I hope the witness may be ordered into cus
tody.
Court [after deliberating.] Mr. Attorney, the court
.'s of the opinion that we may save time by telling wit
ness to go on in his own way. Proceed, Mr. Harris,
with your story, but stick to the point.
Witness. Yes, gentlemen. Well, Captain Rice he
gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dilliard she came over to
our house and axed me if my wife she mout go ? I told
cousin Sally Dilliard that my wife she was poorly,
being as how she had the rheumatics in the hip, and the
big swamp was up ; but howsomever, as it was she,
cousin Sally Dilliard, my wife she mout go. Well,
cousin Sally Dilliard then axed me if Mose he moutn't
go. I told cousin Sally Dilliard as how Mose he was
the foreman of the crap, and the crap was smartly in
the grass but howsomever, as it was she, cousin Sally
Dilliard, Mose he mout go. So they goes on together,
Mose, my wife, and cousin Sally Dilliard, and they
come to the big swamp, and it was up, as I was telling
you ; but being as how there was a log across the big
swamp, cousin Sally Dilliard and Mose, like genteel
folks, they walked the log ; but my wife, like a darned
fool, hoisted her coats and waded through. And that's
all I know about the fight.
THE END.