Louisiana Anthology
George Washington Cable.
“Posson Jone.”
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA — A COMEDY.
…retary of War at a moment when Russia needs so much skill and devo-
tion in that department of State, to resist successfully the gigantic
struggle she has to maintain against the two greatest powers of the
Earth." He then added with a condescending and benignant smile:
“This favor, Pahlen, is only a part of the marriage portion which I in-
tend to give you. Choose, without further delay, between the house of
Nesselrode and that of Kourakin. It is the policy of a wise sovereign
to keep united those great families which are the pillars of the throne."
pleasure, that I could reply only by a profound bow and by kissing the
hand which the Czar extended to me as he passed off. What have we
to do now but to wait a while, and seek for a favorable opportunity to
extricate ourselves from our difficulties !
VISCOUNTESS.
O heaven ! They seem, indeed, to thicken around us.
PAHLEN.
I am distressed beyond expression, dearest. You are so poorly re-
warded for the great sacrifices which, for my sake...
VISCOUNTESS.
Do not speak in this desponding mood, Pahlen. I am happy — in-
deed, I am. Calm your anxieties. You shake your head ! ‐ Well, then,
I'll tell you a secret. I have hopes, my dear husband, strong hopes,
although I did not want to communicate them to you, before there was
a probability of their being realized.
PAHLEN.
Indeed ! What are they ?
VISCOUNTESS.
When my sister, Lady Seymour, departed from St. Petersburg, I
wrote through her to my uncle, the Duke of Devonshire. The Duke
you know; resided many years at St. Petersburg as England's envoy,
and the Emperor openly professes for him a great deal of esteem, and
even of friendship. I explained our position to him, and begged him to
put his influence to the test with his imperial friend, and to intercede in
our behalf. He immediately answered me that he would do so.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA ‐ A COMEDY. 7
PAHLEN.
How glad I am to hear this ! It removes a mountain load off my
mind.
VISCOUNTESS.
My uncle further informs me that, as many Americans were coming
to Russia in consequence of this war, some from curiosity, and others
to offer their services, particularly engineers, doctors, and surgeons, he
would seek among them a man of proper qualifications, and intrust him
with a letter for the Emperor with secret instructions how to act in the
matter.
PAHLEN.
Yes‐yes—I see through it. It is very ingenious.
VISCOUNTESS.
It is a good idea ; for neither Nesselrode nor Kourakin will suspect
such a personage of interfering with their ambitious views, and, through
that secret channel of communication, my uncle, the Duke, will have a
safe opportunity to make an appeal to the Emperor's generosity, and to
his kind remembrance of him. The Emperor, I hope, notwithstanding
his habitual sterness of disposition, will.....
PAHLEN.
Thank God—for the proffered relief ! There never was a more timely
one; for, the cares of State which now assail our august master seem to
have rendered him still more unyielding than usual. Nay... since the
beginning of this war, signs of irritation are frequent in him —so that I
dare not tempt his anger.
VISCOUNTESS.
Let us hope, Pahlen—let us hope. I expect every moment, my
uncle's messenger. But who comes ?
SCENE II.-ENTER JAMES,
JAMES.
A card for your ladyship.
8 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
PAHLEN.
What can it be ?
VISCOUNTESS — [Glancing at the card, and then handing it to the
Count.]
Judge for yourself.
PAHLEN — [ Reading : ]
" Doctor Bluff, formerly from the United States of America, and re-
cently from London, begs leave to visit the magnificent premises occu-
pied by Viscountess Mordaunt, and claims her indulgence for the cu-
riosity of a stranger nnd a tourist."
VISCOUNTESS.
It must be he, Pahlen. It must be the man alluded to by my uncle,
and who takes this means to approach me. I will invite him to come in.
PAHLEN.
It may not be proper that he should see me before you ascertain if
your suppositions are correct. I shall make room for him, and shall
wait in the next saloon for the result of youi interview. [He walks
towards one of the lateral doors.]
JAMES.
Not in that direction, your Excellency. Count Nesselrode and his
daughter have just entered that room.
PAHLEN — [Astonished.]
What ! Count Nesselrode and his daughter !
VISCOUNTESS.
Yes— I expected them this morning— although not so early. Lo
doiska wrote to me, last evening, that her father, my next neighbor you
know, being compelled to return to St. Petersburg, she would accompany
him thus far and pass the day with me.
PAHLEN.
Then I shall make my escape through the park. Farewell, love.
VISCOUNTESS.
Shall I see you this evening?
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA — A COMEDY. 9
PAHLEN [Kissing her hand.]
Sooner if I can. [Exit.]
VISCOUNTESS — [To James.]
Tell Doctor Bluff that lie is welcome to visit the premises, and that,
should he have any particular reason to see me, I shall be happy to
receive him. Do you understand ?
JAMES.
Yes, your ladyship.
VISCOUNTESS.
Then look to it.
JAMES.
Yes, milady. [Moves away.]
VISCOUNTESS.
James !
JAMES.
Madam.
VISCOUNTESS.
Now introduce Count Nesselrode and his daughter.
SCENE III.
JAMES — [Throwing open one of the lateral doors:]
His Excellency, Count Nesselrode, and her Ladyship, miss Nessel-
rode.
VISCOUNTESS.
How happy I am to see you, Count ! Dear Lodoiska, how grateful
I am to you for this kind visit ! Although we are neighbors, you have
not, of late, familiarized me too much with such favors. After all, Count,
great men who, like you, wield the destinies of empires, have very little
time to throw at the feet of such frivolous beings as we are.
NESSELRODE.
Ah ! Viscountess— in your presence, even an old statesman like my-
self would soon forget the destinies of empires.
10 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA — A COMEDY
VISCOUNTESS.
Take care, Count. Don't turn traitor to your country ; for you are
getting to be decidedly French. This compliment is the proof of it.
But I am not the dupe of your politeness. [ To Lodoiska.] It is to
you, dear, that I am indebted for your father's visit, and I should be
still more indebted to you, if, instead of a day, you were to pass a week
with me.
NESSELRODE.
You have anticipated my wishes. I was going to ask it as a favor.
The health of tliis dear child is not good of late, and I desire for her the
benefit of country air. For that purpose, I had intended to rusticate
with her a few days ; but hardly have I reached my villa, when a sud-
den order from the Emperor summons me back to St. Petersburg, and
God only knows how long I shall be detained there.
VISCOUNTESS.
This,'Count, makes amends for your former neglect, and I forgive you.
NESSELRODE.
Then peace is signed between us, and I leave Lodoiska as a hostage
with your ladyship. I hope to find her, on my return, more cheerful,
and... [Addressing his daughter] shall I say more reasonable, my dear?
LODOISKA.
More reasonable ! Why‐pa— if Lady Mordaunt knew what we dis-
agree about, I am sure she would side with me.
VISCOUNTESS.
What is it, my dear?
NESSELRODE.
Hush !—daughter—hush !—none of your nonsense here.
LODOISKA.
Pshaw !—You know that I am a petted and a spoiled child, father.
You say so yourself. Nay—don't shake your finger at me. You may
frighten the English and the French, but you won't frighten me.
NESSELIIODE.
If you talk so, you shall not have that necklace which.....
LODOISKA.
I'll have it, pa,—talk or no talk. [ Leaning coaxingly on his shoul
der.] Are you not a dear pa—and am I not your beloved?
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 11
NESSELRODE [Fondly.]
Yes—my beloved ! That you know but too well. But don't be un-
reasonable—don't.
LODOISKA.
I, unreasonable ! It is you who are unreasonable. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, to be so unreasonable, and yet to be the Prime
Minister of all the Russias ! [Pouting.] I wonder the Emperor trusts
you at all. [ To the Viscountess, returning from the glass doors opening
on the park in the back part of the stage, whither she had gone, during
the colloquy between Nesselrode and daughter, as ifslie looked for somebody
to make his oppearance in that direction, probably the expected Dr. Bluff'.]
Do you know what he wants me to do ? He wants me to marry a man
I don't love ! I am sure such a thing would not be thought of in a
free country—in England, for instance.
VISCOUNTESS.
I am glad that you have so good an opinion of my country.
NESSELRODE.
What better match can you hope for than Count Pahlen‐the Czar's
favorite ? Besides, he loves you.
VISCOUNTESS — [Alarmed]
[ To Lodoiska : ]—He loves you !
LODOISKA.
No !—he don't. I know better.—Trust me for that.
VISCOUNTESS — [Aside.]
I breathe freely. What a charming child !
LODOISKA [To the Viscountess : ]
You know Count Pahlen. Is he not odious ?
NESSELRODE.
Well ! I am glad of this appeal to your ladyship. Is not, madam,
Count Pahlen an accomplished gentleman? Could a father make a
better choice for his daughter ?
VISCOUNTESS [Slightly confused]
The Count is rich a Minister of State and the descendant of an old
and powerful race....
LODOISKA [Petulantly.]
What's that to me ?
12 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
VISCOUNTESS.
He is handsome.
LODOISKA.
No.
VISCOUNTESS.
Witty.
LODOISKA.
No, no.
VISCOUNTESS.
He is reported to be as brave as he is kind-hearted.
LODOISKA—[Stamping her foot with girlish impatience.]
No... no... no.—It is Lipinski who is handsome, witty, and as brave
as he is kind-hearted.
VISCOUNTESS—[Aside]
I adore this amiable child. Decidedly she is very pretty. It had
not struck me so before.
NESSELRODE.
You hear her, madam ! you hear her ! You know Lipinski—a hare-
brained fellow—tainted with the new-fangled notions of the day—a
Pole ! whom the Emperor does not like !
LODOISKA.
I love him, if the Emperor don't. I will say so to the Emperor him-
self. Why should I not speak my mind to him ? Is he not my god-
father ? and has he not bid me never to be afraid of him ? [Aside.] I
am, though—and terribly too.
NESSELRODE.
Madam, I claim your indulgence for the follies of this child.
VISCOUNTESS.
But, really, Count, I do not think her so very unreasonable !
NESSELRODE.
What, madam !—not unreasonable ! Consider that Pahlen, young as
he is, is the favorite, not only of the Emperor, but also of the heir appa-
rent ; consider that the present and the future belong to him ; that if he
does not marry Lodoiska, he is bound to unite himself to the daughter
of Prince Kourakin, my old rival in the confidence of the Emperor. I
cannot permit such a thing—it is impossible : reasons of State forbid it.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 13
VISCOUNTESS.
But if Count Pahlen, owing to some unaccountable deficiency of taste,
should not be disposed to many either of those two charming women ?
NESSELRODE.
Impossible !—He is too faithful a subject to render himself guilty of
such a want of respect for the Emperor. It would be little short of
high treason. No, no—when the Czar commands, a Pahlen obeys—or...
VISCOUNTESS—[Aside]
This is dreadful. Heaven protect us !
SCENE IV.—ENTER JAMES.
JAMES.
Doctor Bluff begs leave to present his respects to her ladyship.
VISCOUNTESS.
Show him in.
NESSELRODE.
Dr. Bluff! Where did I see that name? Certainly, something has
called my attention to it.
VISCOUNTESS—[With some show of uneasiness]
Do you know any thing of the Doctor ?
NESSELRODE.
I think I do, madam, [Aside.] Let me see... let me see... Where
did I see that name? Ah!... I have it.
VISCOUNTESS—[ Whose uneasiness increases]
Do you know the object of his coming here?
NESSELRODE.
No, not exactly. [Aside} I think I do, though. [Drawing a news-
paper from his pocket, he glances at it hurriedly, and says to himself : [
There it is. Lucky it is that this paragraph in the London Times
struck me.
SCENE V. EE -ENTER JAMES.
JAMES [Opening one of the lateral doors and announcing : \
Doctor Bluff.
14 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY
DOCTOR BLUFF [ With emphasis.]
1 avail myself, madam, of your permission to pay my respects to your
ladyship, and I am liappy to return you my thanks for the opportunity
you have afforded me to admire so many prodigies of art. Truly... this
is what I call a princely residence ; my admiration increases as I pro-
gress, and now [looking, meaningly at the Viscountess] it has reached its
climax. [Aside] That's a hit, I believe. I'll teach these aristocratic
folks that we, Americans, are not deficient in high falutin politeness.
VISCOUNTESS.
I am glad, sir, that I have the opportunity of being agreeable to you.
[Pointing to Nesselrode and Lodoiska] This is His Excellency Count
Nesselrode. and his daughter.
DOCTOR BLUFF.
Sir, I am proud of this introduction to the great minister of a great
prince. [ Aside. ] This is another hit. [To Lodoisha] And I am
happy to lay my homage at the feet of the sweetest flower in the par-
terre of all the Russias. [Aside.] This is what I call a clincher.
LODOISKA [Raising her eye-glass, and surveying him]
An amusing original !
NESSELRODE [Aside]
The fellow does not imagine that I suspect his mission. He is acting
an assumed part, the better to conceal the real one.
VISCOUNTESS.
I see from your card that you are recently from England 1
DOCTOR BLUFF.
As you say, madam -just the time necessary to run through France,
Germany, Poland and here I am on my way to St. Petersburg, when,
being struck with the appearance of this residence, I begged the favor
of being permitted to visit it.
STOPPED HERE
LODOISKA [Archly.]
If you kept running all the time, you must have seen very little of
the countries you passed through, and yet I am told that they are
worthy of all the attention of the traveler.
DOCTOR BLUFF*
On my return, I shall visit them leisurely. For the present, I was
in naete to reach St. Petersburg, before the expiration of the summer-
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 15
NESSELRODE.
And pray, sir, may I know the pressing interest you have in thus
hastening to St. Petersburg ? Some great commercial operation, or some
speculation or other, I suppose ? for, you Americans, whatever he your
profession, have still something of the merchant or speculator left in you.
DOCTOR BLUFF.
No, sir. I am nothing but a doctor a doctor of medicine.... to serve
your Excellency, and the present company, if needed a regular gra-
duate in the Philadelphia school of medicine and a practitioner for the
last twenty years in the State of Mississippi.
NESSELRODE.
Perhaps you are coming to offer your services to his Majesty in this
war, as many others have done ?
LODOISKA.
Pa, since you are going to talk war and politics as usual, I'll look into
the newest Parisian fashions, [pointing to some engravings on a table]
and select the dress you will have to give me for the next Court ball.
[She takes a chair by the table and examines the engravings.]
DOCTOR BLUFF [Looking at Lodoiska.]
Sweet darling, that! [Turning to Nesselrode.] No, sir; I hate all
wars. But I confess freely that I have been prevailed upon to accept
a trifling mission to the Czar, and as soon as our Minister Plenipoten-
tiary who, I understand, is momentarily absent, returns, I shall solicit
through him the favor of an audience.
VISCOUNTESS.
I hope, sir, that your mission, whatever it be, will end successfully.
[Aside .] He must be the very individual my uncle was to send me.
But I will make assurance doubly sure. [To Dr. Bluff.] And pray,
sir, how did you like England] I hope that you saw some of its society.
DOCTOR BLUFF [Pompously.]
The very best, madam, the very best. [ Aside.] A little harmless
exaggeration !
VISCOUNTESS.
Some of her distinguished 'men'?
DOCTOR BLUFF.
All of them. [Aside.] It would not do to say no.
16 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
VISCOUNTESS.
Some of her nobility ?
DOCTOR BLUFF.
Intimate with many of them. [ Aside.'] There !.... so much for your
Paul-Pry curiosity !
VISCOUNTESS.
Will you permit me, Doctor Bluff, to ask you if you ever met my
kinsman, the Duke of Devonshire ?
DOCTOR BLUFF.
Met him frequently. [Aside.'] No lie for I often met him riding
in the Park !
VISCOUNTESS.
So, you know my dear uncle ! [Aside.'] No longer any doubt it
is he.
NESSELRODE [Aside.]
He is acting the part of a plain, blunt man ; that's evident. It in-
creases my suspicions as to the importance of his mission.
VISCOUNTESS [Meaningly.]
Doctor, when I saw your profession by your card, the thought struck
me to consult you in the absence of my regular physician. For I am
not exactly in the condition in 'which I wish to be.
DR. BLUFF.
My limited experience and my poor ability are at your service, madam.
[Aside] What an honor ! An English Viscountess ! I wish my folks
knew it at home.
VISCOUNTESS.
I shall shortly see you in private Allow me to retire for a short time,
and show my young friend, who has just arrived, [Pointing to Lodoiska]
her apartment. Count, you will excuse mo. [Exit with Lodoiska.]
SCENE VI. NESSELRODE, DR. BLUFF.
NESSELRODE.
Now that we are left to ourselves, I shall be as plain as yourself
Doctor. I cut matters short therefore, and come at once to the point.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 17
DR. BLUFF [Aside.]
Ah ! Has he some ailment too ! [ To Nesselrode :] I am at
your service, Sir.
NESSELRODE.
Well then let us speak frankly for you know that, in our profes-
sion, we are frequently compelled to disguise truth.
DR. BLUFF.
Not in mine, I assure you. I always speak out bluntly. I disguise
nothing even with my patients. Try me when you please.
NESSELRODE.
Pshaw ! Who talks of patients? You understand, -I am sure, what
I allude to.
DR. BLUFF.
Tut ! Not at all, man I beg your pardon your Excellency. But
I am used to be blunt, you see so much so that, if I were to meet you
more than once, you must not be offended should I greet you with :
"how are you, Nesselrode old fellow; lam glad to see you." To
save my soul, I could not help it. It is my nature.
NESSELRODE.
There ! You betray yourself, my good Sir. You overact the part
you have assumed such manners are not yours they are not natural
they can't be the manners of any human being. The exaggeration is
gross. But as you pretend to be plain, I'll be still more plain. Do
you know this paper 1
DR. BLUFF.
It is the London Times.
NESSELRODE.
Well ! Please to give me your opinion of this paragraph. I take
some pride in convincing you that nothing escapes the attention of a
Russian Statesman. [Reading:]
" We are happy to announce the arrival of the distinguished Doctor
Bluff, of Bluffville, Mississippi, who is known to be on terms of intimacy
with the President of the United States, and who, it is said, is the
bearer of important despatches to the American Minister at St. Peters-
burg. It is further believed, that he is to convey to the Czar the views
of the cabinet of Washington in relation to the Eastern war. The
3
18 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
sympathies of the Americans are already secured to the Northern des-
pot, and this last official step taken by their chief magistrate tends
perhaps to the formation of an unholy alliance, by which they will
sacrifice to their selfish desire of national aggrandisement, the great
interests of civilization advocated by France and England."
DR. BLUFF [ With a burst of laughter.]
Why this is the mad work of that foolish fellow, Braincut, who is
now cutting all sorts of capers in London. He thought it fun to crack
that joke at my expense, and to humbug and alarm John Bull, by pro-
curing, God knows by what means, the insertion of this fanciful para-
graph into the Times.
NESSELRODE [Taking leisurely a pinch of snuff:']
Very ingenious, indeed. Very ! This is warding off the home thrust
with consummate skill. I compliment you; but, surely, you don't
expect thus to foil my old diplomatic sagacity.
DR. BLUFF.
My dear Sir, I believe you have got into a chronic habit of seeing
diplomacy everywhere, just as the jaundiced man, you know
NESSELRODE [ With a shrug of the shoulders] v
I presume, doctor, there is no actual incompatibility between medicinal
art and diplomacy.
DR. BLUFF.
No. For, they both deal in drugs with this difference, though that
the object of the first is -to heal and that of the other, to do the reverse.
Excuse me they say at home I am a little rough like my name. The
fact is, I am not used to Court manners.
NESSELRODE.
Well, Sir, as you please. I understand you then to say, that you have
no such mission as is hinted at in this paper.
DR. BLUFF.
Distinctly, no.
NESSELRODE [ With a slight sneering intona*ion.\
Then am I permitted to suppose, that the trifling mission which you
have admitted to have accepted, and which has brought you so far from
your distant country is that of communicating to us some secret of
your professional knowledge, by prosecuting your studies in our imperial
hospitals ?
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY, 19
DR. BLUFF.
No, Sir, no, Sir. But, since you are so pertinacious, I will tell you the
truth, the whole truth, ana nothing but the truth, as we say in our courts,
Know then that, by patient industry, and by a long practice in the town
of Bluffville, I have saved enough to secure an income of $4,000 a year
and so- on a hot day, last spring, I got tired of my patients. So says I
to* myself : I'll go to Europe like other folks. Done as soon as resolved
and packed my trunk. Great rumor, Sir great excitement in the town
patients much alarmed sorry for it but must go and just as I was
shaking hands with my friends on board the steamboat for New Orleans,
up came a deputation from the " Bluffville Consolidated Association of
the Friends of Peace," and they handed me a set of "Resolutions,"
which they requested me to present on their behalf to the Emperor, as
they knew I intended to go as far as St. Petersburg.
NESSELRODE.
And you really accepted this important &nd shall I say this only
mission !
DR. BLUFF.
I did, to be sure as it would give me the opportunity of peeing the
Emperor, A great man, Sir! We t think him a great man in America!
He is our friend, Sir the friend of the United States ! All our Presi-
dents repeat it in their Annual Messages ! And Johnathan always sticks
by his friends, Sir ! And so says I to myself : I'll have a little talk
with the Emperor any how, and that will be something to brag of, at
home.
NESSELRODE. O^de.]
This half civilized barbarian astonishes me. He is impenetrable,
and cannot be thrown off his guard. [ To Dr. Bluff.] Well ! Sir, as your
Minister happens to be absent for some days, it will afford me pleasure
to introduce you to my august master.
DR. BLUFF [Bowing low.}
I am very much obliged to you, Count, and I accept your kind offer.
[Aside ', and rubbing his hands}. What will our folks say at home, when
they hear that Dr. Bluff has approached the Emperor without the assist-
ance of the American Legation !
NESSELRODE.
Then the thing is settled. But it .is understood that you have no
other mission. I can rely on your your [hesitating.}
20 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
Veracity, Sir. Don't mince the word.
NESSELRODE.
Veracity then to please you. And you further assure me that you
have just arrived, and have made as yet no acquaintance whatever in
Russia.
DR. BLUFF.
I pledge my word to that effect.
NESSELRODE.
You also promise that you will rely on me, altogether, for your pres-
entation to the Emperor.
DR. BLUFF.
I do.
NESSELRODE.
And you shall not wait long. [Aside:] A cunning dog that! I
must not lose sight of him, and must fish everything out of him before
he sees the Emperor. But who comes 1 Ha ! It is a man wearing the
livery of count Pahlen.
SCENE VII. ENTER COUNT PAHLEN'S SERVANT.
SERVANT [To Dr. Bluff]
Count Pahlen, my master, being informed that Dr. Bluff is paying,
this morning, a visit to Viscountess Mordaunt, has ordered me to tell
him that he would soon be here, to converse with him on the subject he
knows of, and begs him to wait until he comes. [Bows and exit.]
NESSELRODE [Aside.]
Ha ! Ha ! What can be the meaning of all this ? A preconcerted
interview between this man and Pahlen !
DR. BLUFF [Astonished.]
Count Pahlen wishes to see me !
NESSELRODE [Ironically]
It seems, Sir, that when you told me you knew no one here, you forgot
Count Pahlen. Decidedly a bad memory !
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 21
DR. BLUFF.
Upon my word, Sir; I never knew before that the man was in ex-
istence.
NESSELRODE [Sternly.]
Allow me to remind you, Sir, that this is carrying dissimulation too
far, even for a diplomatist.
DR. BLUFF.
By the Eternal God I swear
NESSELRODE.
Don't swear but cease to dissemble, since you have been thus
accidently betrayed ; and believe me, the best policy now is to tell me
the object of your interview with Count Pahlen.
DR. BLUFF.
How can I guess at it, unless it be that Count Pahlen, being despaired
of by the Russian faculty, wants to try an American doctor !
NESSELRODE [ With muck dignity.]
Sir, I have done with one who acts with such levity. I will only
say that I am amazed at the pertinacity with which you continue to
affirm, after the message delivered to you in my presence from Count
Pahlen, that you had no other object in coming here than the gratifica-
tion of your curiosity, and the presentation to the Emperor of an insig-
nificant address from a few of your fellow citizens, about matters with
which they have nothing to do.
DR. BLUFF [Exasperated.]
This is really beyond endurance you will drive me mad. Well !
Sir since you persecute me so, I will confess, although I might keep
it to myself, because it is no concern of yours, and is strictly 'profes-
sional, that I have another object in view.
NESSELRODE [Aside]
At last ! I knew it would come out.
DR. BLUFF.
You want me to tell you all ?
NESSELRODE.
I think it is my duty, as Minister of his imperial majesty, to insist on it.
22
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY
DR. BLUFF.
Well, then do you know Swaim's panacea ?
NESSELRODE.
What! What!
DR. BLUFF.
It cures everything, Sir, and has made Swaim as rich as Croesus.
NESSELRODE.
What nonsense is this !
DR. BLUFF.
Nonsense ! Do you know Townsend's sarsaparilla ? It so renovates
the system, that it would turn an old man like you into a young one
and, what is better, it has put five hundred thousand dollars into
Townsend's pocket.
NESSELRODE.
Do you dare thus to trifle with me !
DR. BLUFF.
Trifle ! Wait a little. Do you know Dalley's pain extractor ? It
will extract every rheumatism out of your bones, and set you a dancing
a jig, like any Virginia country belle. It is making the fortune of its
inventor.
NESSELRODE.
I cannot listen any longer to such
DR. BLUFF.
Ah ! but you must, though since you want to know all the secrets
of my profession. Know then that I came here with the intention of
imitating these good examples, and of putting out in the market, when
I return home, another universal remedy which I shall call Dr. Bluff's
Cossack elixir.
NESSELRODE.
Stop, Sir no more of these fooleries, and listen to words of serious
import. You have been detected in a mysterious correspondence with
Count Pahlen under suspicious circumstances, made still more so by
your denegations. I warn you that I shall give immediate information
of it to the Emperor.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 23
DR. BLUFF.
Do what you please, most acute and incredulous of Ministers !
But I affirm that I never saw Count Pahlen, and that I have no business
with him whatever.
NESSELEODE.
It seems that Tie has for I see him coming through the park, no
doubt to meet you.
DR. BLUFF.
Is that Count Pahlen? Well! Let him come. We 'shall see.
[Aside.] It seems that I am a more important man than ever I thought,
and that some great mission, or other, has been tacked to the tail of my
coat without my being aware of it.
SCENE VIII. NESSELKODE, DE. BLUFF, PAHLEN.
JAMES [ Announcing :
His excellency Count Pahlen.
PAHLEN [Aside.]
Good God ! Nesselrode still here !
NESSELRODE.
Really, Count, this is an unexpected pleasure to meet you here.
PAHLEN.
I was on my way to your excellency's country seat, on some State
business, when seeing your equipage in the court-yard of the Viscountess,
I entered.
NESSELRODE.
And you did well. [.4$zWe.] The Count lies prettily, and does not
suspect I know he came for Dr. Bluff.
PAHLEN [Feigning to recognize Dr. Blujf.]
But who have we here ? Dr. Bluff I declare !
NESSELRODE [Aside.]
The surprise is well acted upon my word, it is very well acted.
PAHLEN.
I am glad to meet you thus accidentally, Doctor. How long have
you been in Russia ?
24 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY
NESSELRODE.
Why ! Doctor, I thought I had heard you say you knew no one in
Russia. [ To Pahlen.] Count, the Doctor seems to be an old acquaint-
ance of yours ?
PAHLEN.
More than an acquaintance he is an old friend. I had the advantage
of knowing him when I was Minister at the Court of St. James. The
Doctor was then on a visit to England and I happened to be much
benefited by his medical advice. Welcome to Russia, Doctor. [Shakes
hands with the Doctor and whispers to 1dm : ] Don't contradict any of
my statements. We must blind the old fox. [ The doctor looks muck
puzzled, and stares alternately at Nesselrodc and Pahlen.]
NESSELRODE [ With ironical gravity, to Doctor Bluff]
Sir, I compliment you on your meeting again so old and so valuable
a friend as Count Pahlen. [Aside] The fellow has brass enough in
his composition. Although fully exposed, he is still acting, and trying
to deceive. [To Pahlen and Dr. Bluff :] Let me not interfere with
your meeting. Old friends must have so many things to say to each
other ! I shall occupy myself with reading certain despatches, whilst
awaiting the return of the Viscountess. [^UzVZe:] I'll keep an eye on
them. [He takes a seat by a table which is at some distance from the
Doctor and Pahlen^]
PAHLEN. [ To the Doctor.}
That won't do, to allow him to remain in the room. Can't you devise
some pretext or other to drive him away 1 It would come with a better
grace from you than from me. Tax your diplomatic skill, and do it.
DOCTOR BLUFF [Aside.]
Here is another with crooked ways and mysteries ! [ To Pahlen.]
And so you want to get rid of the old man ?
PAHLEN.
Of course. But it must be done in such a way, that he must not sus-
pect anything.
DR. BLUFF.
Good ! He must not suspect anything, hey ! [ Aside] I'll give you
secrecy and diplomacy with a vengeance. [Approaching Nesselrode.]
Sir!.... [Nesselrode looks up.~] Do you know what that gentleman
yonder wants ?
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA. A COMEDY.
NESSELRODE.
No.
DR. BLUFF.
He wants me to find out some pretext or other, to send you out of the
way.
NESSELRODE, [Staring with, astonishment]
You are bold, Sir very bold indeed ! But I understand.... I leave
you master of the field, although I warn you that you will not baffle me
long. [ Aside. ] I must seek the Emperor, without loss of time, and in-
form him of all that is going- on. [Exit]
SCENE IX. PAHLEN, UK. BLUFF.
PAHLEN.
How lucky to have thus got rid of him ! and you had but one word
to say ! With what exquisite tact you must have managed it !
DR. BLUFF.
Tact, or no tact you won't be troubled with him any more I have
settled that and now speak out. [Aside.] It is time that I know what
all this means.
PAHLEN.
Yes for I am in a great hurry, and not a minute is to be lost.
DR. BLUFF.
To the point then. [Aside] Bless my stars, when will these people
ever come to the point !
PAHLEN.
Well, Doctor, have you seen the Viscountess ?
DR. BLUFF.
Yes, Sir. ,
PAHLEN.
And you are what she expected ?
DR. BLUFF [Impatiently]
So it seems; for she wishes to consult me in private. [Aside], Some
4
26 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
lover, I presume, who takes great interest in the health of the Vis-
countess.
PAHLEN.
Then, God be praised ! I was dying with impatience to know whether
you are the right person. Now, I am satisfied. Do all that the Vis-
countess recommends. I will sanction all ; for we fully understand each
other. Farewell I must hasten to St. Petersburg.
DR. BLUFF.
Stop, Sir this does not explain how it is that
PAHLEN.
I have no time to spare. The Viscountess will explain all. Only
one word more. Gall on me to-morrow. I shall obtain an audience for
you from the Emperor. Do not, then, hesitate to fulfil at once your
mission to him. The crisis must be met boldly and fearlessly. [ The
Doctor looks completely bewildered.] Yes, Sir, there must be no more
shrinking. For my part, I am ready to meet the storm, and know at
once whether I am to sink, or svvirn. f Turns to go away.~]
DR. BLUFF.
Stop Sir. I insist on your explaining how
PAHLEN [ Whose excitement increases.]
What explanations ! I can't remain in such a position any longer.
Tell my august master, in the most positive terms, that I can gratify
neither Nesselrode, nor Kourakin, and that I cannot agree to either of
the alliances they propose, honorable as they are, on account of the
previous engagements contracted in another quarter, and which I will
not suffer to be broken, or annulled, even by the imperial will no -were
I to be sent to Siberia.
DR. BLUFF.
To Siberia!
PAHLEN.
Ay ! To Siberia. That's his way. But show him immediately the
paper which you have in your possession and which makes such an appeal
to hie gopd feelings. [Exit.']
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 27
SCENE X.
DR. BLUFF [Alone.]
Paper!... He must mean the address of the "Bluffville Consolidated
Peace Association," of which he must have heard. But what can it
have to do with the alliances he speaks of? Oh! I have it. Those
alliances must have for their object, either to continue the war, or re-
establish peace. Hence the bearing upon them of the address of the
" Bluffville Peace Association." But what are those alliances? One
thing is clear his Majesty's Ministers don't agree about them. The
Muscovite Cabinet is not a unit, as we say in Washington. Kourakin
is for a certain alliance; Nesselrode for another; and Pahlen for a third.
Some deep intrigues are going on, and it is intended that I shall take in
them a part which, so far, I am utterly at a loss to comprehend. What
a mysterious affair ! Will they ever believe it in the United States !
But somebody comes. I hope it is the Viscountess, who seems the
person destined to give me all the explanations which I need. But no.
It is not the Viscountess.
SCENE XI. ENTER LOD01SKA, Hastily
LODOISKA.
Where are you, Doctor ? I am sent in haste to you by the Vis-
countess.
DR. BLUFF.
Here I am. What is it? What is it ?
LODOISKA.
Great news ! Great news ! Do you hear all that noise ?
DR. BLUFF.
Yes I do. For God's sake, what i& it? You seem so agitated !
LODOISKA.
It is the Emperor.
DR. BLUFF.
The Emperor !
LODOISKA.
Yes his Imperial Majesty. It so happens that he met on the road
to St. Petersburg my father, whom he has ordered to go back, and to
accompany him to this place.
28 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
Oh ! I see through it Count Nesselrode has fulfilled his threats.
He was to denounce ine and Count Pahleu to the Emperor, for some
supposed correspondence and secret understanding which he suspects to
exist between that gentleman and myself.
LODO1SKA.
1 know nothing about all that. I come in haste, merely to deliver to
you a short message from the Viscountess. Taken by surprise by the
Emperor's sudden arrival, she said to me: "Do me the favor to go to
the Doctor, who is^waiting for me in the drawing-room, and tell him
that our interview must be postponed for to-day that Count Pahlen
will give him all the necessary information he wants and that he can
act entirely according to the Count's directions ; for we fully understand
each other. Now farewell ! I must run oft' to meet the Emperor in
time, f Runs out.\
DR. BLUFF \Alone.}
They fully understand each other ! But I don't understand anything.
I must try to do it, though. I can't continue in this fog. \Seems to
reflect.} Ha! A flash of light comes upon me. I have it.... I have it.
This Viscountess must be an English spy a secret envoy or
some such thing. Through her, England, without being suspected by
" Parlez'Vous Francais," proposes terms to Russia. This Count Pahlen
accepts them. Nesselrode and Kourakin are against this game ; they
are for continuing this war as it is, and for strengthening Russia by
some other alliances. Ha! My wily court intriguers, plain Doctor
Bluff is on your trail, and will track you with the unerring sagacity of
a backwoodsman, I'll match you all yet. Bless me ! What will they
say in the United States, when they hear of all this ! I'll publish a
full expose when I go home. What a sensation !....But here comes the
whole imperial pageantry.
SCENE XII. EMPEROR, KOURAKIN, PAHLEN, NESSELRODE,
VISCOUNTESS, LODOISKA, DR. BLUFF SUITE,....
EMPEROR [ To the Viscountess.]
You see, Madam, that although at war with England, I dare claim
her hospitality.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 29
VISCOUNTESS.
England deplores the war, Sire, and cannot but be proud of the great
honor done to her by her august guest.
EMPEROR.
Last evening, I sent in haste a despatch to your neighbour, Count
Nesselrode, calling him back to St. Petersburg. But, this morning, I
reflected that my faithful subject my old friend needed some rest. I
determined to surprise him by an early ride to his residence, and thus
spare him the fatigues of the journey. I met him, however, on the way,
and so near your Villa, that I could not resist the temptation to stop, and
avail myself of this opportunity to thank you, Madam, for the compli-
ment you pay to Russia, by continuing to reside in her bosom, notwith-
standing the untoward events which, momentarily, I hope, divide two
nations whose interest it is to remain ever united.
VISCOUNTESS.
Sire, a lasting alliance between Russia and England, is the most
fervent wish of my heart. It would secure forever the peace of the
world.
DR. BLUFF [Aside.]
There comes the cat out of the bag ! I had guessed right. Perfidious
Albion is going to drop too confiding France.
EMPEROR [ With a smile to the Viscountess.]
Well ! Madam as I have met, this morning, two of my Ministers,
Count Pahlen and Count Nesselrode, coming out of your house, I sup-
pose that there must be between you some secret negotiations going on,
which will end in happy results.
VISCOUNTESS.
Those happy results, Sire, may be forwarded by the appeal which is
to be made to your generosity and magnanimity by Doctor Bluff, from
the United States of America, and whom I beg leave, thus inform-
ally, to introduce to the kind notice of your Majesty. Dr. Bluff is
recently from England, where he has seen my uncle, the Duke of
Devonshire, and I believe that he has some mission near your Majesty.
EMPEROR [To Doctor Bluff.]
I am always glad to see Americans. They are a straightforward and
manly people, and their government is worthy of them. I look upon the
30 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
United States as my natural allies, and shall be happy, Sir, at the earliest
opportunity, to take cognizance of the business you have to lay before
me
DR. BLUFF.
Sire these people around you are laboring under some strange hal-
lucination. I have no other mission than that of laying before your
Majesty an address from the "Bluffville Peace Association."
NESSELRODE [Aside.]
With what ability he conceals his purposes, until he developes them
to the Emperor in private ! A wonderful man, indeed !
EMPEROR [To Doctor Bluf.}
Nothing can be more agreeable to me, Sir, than such a mission as
yours. Peace 1 I think of nothing else, and if my heart were opened,
the word peace, would be found inscribed in it. [Aside, to Ncsselrode.]
This is the sentiment to be proclaimed, Nesselrode, on all occasions,
until we get to Constantinople.
DR. BLUFF.
I must not permit your Majesty to remain under any misapprehension.
I am plain Dr. Bluff, and no diplomate ; and as to those " Peace Resolu-
tions," your Majesty must not suppose that the President of the United
States ever authorized me to....
EMPEROR.
Be at ease, Sir be at ease. I love plain men. But no explanations
are necessary for the present.
DR. BLUFF [Aside.]
He also wants no explanation !.... They are all alike.
EMPEROR.
Let business, Sir, be postponed to a more auspicious moment although
I have here all the materials to hold a Cabinet Council. Here is
Nesselrode my Minister of Foreign Affairs, Kourakin the Minister of
Justice and of the Interior, and Pahlen the Minister of War. Almost
a full council.
LODOISKA.
And with your Majesty's consent, I will act as Secretary to the
Council.
EMPEROR.
Ha ! My pert god-daughter, I should have been astonished if you
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 31
had not had something to say ! No no damsel, I don't accept your
services in such serious matters. I reserve you for the department of
Court Ball invitations. And this, by the by, puts me in mind that the
Empress has a small private re-union this evening. Will she have the
pleasure of being favored with your company, Viscountess ?
VISCOUNTESS.
Sire, I am deeply grateful for your Majesty's condescension. But,
under present circumstances, would it be proper for me to show myself
at Court?
EMPEROR.
Am I not at your house, Madam ? [ Viscountess bows low.] Besides,
it would only be returning my visit, and this, I believe, would not be
an impropriety, even in times of war. Moreover, as I have told your
Ladyship, it is a very private re-union. Alas ! In these sad times, when
so much blood is shed, gaiety is not permitted to enter the house of the
Sovereign of Eussia.
VISCOUNTESS.
May it soon return to that august abode, Sire, with all its train of
pleasures! This is the wish I shall express, to-night, to your Majesty's
noble consort.
EMPEROR [To Dr. Bluff.']
Let America, to-night, be represented by you, Doctor. It will afford
me pleasure.
VISCOUNTESS.
Allow me, Sire, to lead you to the adjoining room, where some refresh-
ments await your Majesty.
[ The Emperor offers his arm to the Viscountess, and the whole com-
pany moves off, save Dr. Bluff. ]
DR. BLUFF [Alone.]
Now, I'll go post haste to St. Petersburg without loss of time, to pro-
Vide myself with a decent suit of clothes for the occasion. But, certainly ^
these Eussians are the most extraordinary set of people on the face of
God's earth. They know a man's secrets when he has none ! They
give no explanations when desired, and they accept none when offered !
Upon my word, it produces more confusion than Shakspeare ever put in
"Midsummer Night's Dream." But I am not the man to play Bully
Bottom, and have an ass's head clapped on my shoulders. No. I'll
know, this very evening, before going to bed what is what or I'll
lose the name of plain Doctor Bluff.
32 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
-ACT II.
SCENE I.
A room in the Imperial Palace, at St. Petersburg.
ENTER NESSELRODE AND LODOISKA.
LODOISKA.
You have hurried me, father, to come to this soiree which is unusual
with you; for at any Court Ball, or other like entertainment, you are
sure to be always the last to make your appearance.
NESSELRODE.
Yes. I was anxious to be among the first here, with the hope of
meeting Doctor Bluff before he speaks to the Emperor.
LODOISKA.
That American Doctor, still in your mind ! He must be a very im-
portant man, indeed |
NESSELRODE.
An important man he is, or must become, if his other faculties are
equal to his brass, and powers of dissimulation. But I am not his dupe.
Truly, those Americans are astonishing. They are Jacks at all trades.
Here is a physician a bad one, I dare say who turns out to be an
excellent diplomatist.
LODOISKA.
But, after all, what have you detected in that American Doctor to make
you uneasy ?
NESSELRODE.
What I have detected ! Why! a host of things.
LODOISKA.
You frighten me, Pa, with your penetration !
NESSELRODE.
In the first place, he has a secret mission from the United States, and
PR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 33
lie denies it to me ! First symptom. He comes post haste to Russia,
under the most frivolous pretexts. Second sympton. He is an old
acquaintance of Count Palilen, and is in mysterious correspondence with
him about something, or other. That, he denies also. TMrd symptom
and last, where did I first discover that man, who seems to have dropped
from the clouds] Why at the house of that English Viscountess
whom I have long suspected. And there is nothing at the bottom of all
this !
LODOLSKA.
Suppose there is something. What have you to fear?
NESSELRODE.
What I have to fear? The intimacy of that infernal American
Doctor with Count Palilen. The Emperor attaches a great deal of
importance to possessing, in the present struggle, the moral force which
he thinks he will derive from the sympathies of the United States.
May not that Doctor's mission be of such a nature as to meet the Em-
peror's views in that respect ? And will Palilen be {he first to know that
mission? Will he be ihejirsf to communicate it to the Emperor? My
credit at Court would greatly suffer from it.... and if, after that, Pahlen
were to marry the daughter of my old rival Kourakin, it would be inferred
that my star has set, or is setting forever.
LODOISKA.
But here comes this dreaded Doctor, with the borrowed plumage of a
peacock. ! how he struts !
SCENE II. DR. BLUFF, NESSELRODE, LODOISKA.
DR. BLUFF [Bowing right and It ft.} To Lodoiska:
How pretty you look, Miss Nesselrode I I kiss my hand to you.
[Aside.} That is courtly, I hope. [ To Nesselrodc.} How grand you
look with all your crosses and stars! \Aside:} Flattery is the drug to
be used in this atmosphere, f To Ncaselrode :} How do you think I look
in this costume?
ing the bull by the horns, as we do in America, in pressing exigencies.
It will all come right in the end. [Aside^] I must cheer them up,
poor souls ; for they look crest-fallen, and it seems that I have involun-
tarily led them into a scrape.
NESSELRODE.
Very natural I assure you Sir. Very natural
34 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
Hem ! Hem ! I have my doubts about it you see. We are not
used to such flummery at home. But let it pass for once. Where is
the Emperor?
NESSELRODE.
In the inner appartments. But, once for all, Sir, before you see him,
allow me to put you again in mind that, as Minister of Foreign Affairs,
I have the right to be the first to be informed of the object of your mission
here.
DR. BLUFF.
Gracious God ! Am I again to .be pestered with these groundless
suppositions 1 And if I had really any serious business to transact, is
this the time and place for it ?
NESSELRODE [Smiling]
As to that, my good Sir, State secrets are as often communicated in
the ball room, as anywhere else, and it is not always in the Ministerial
Offices that the most important negotiations are conducted and terminated.
LODOISKA.
The fact is, Doctor, that it is time to put an end to my father's un-
easiness. Remember the Message which I carried to you, this morning,
from the Viscountess. It certainly meant that there are confidential
relations existing between you, the Viscountess, and Count Pahlen.
DR. BLUFF.
Heavens ! This caps the climax. I shall go distracted. Strange
how appearances work !
NESSELRODE.
Ha ! Ha ! Doctor. Fairly caught hey ? and by a child ! Now what
do you say?
DR. BLUFF.
What I say 1 [Aside.] Ah ! When I speak the truth to you all,
my gentle folks, you don't believe me ! Well I'll serve you according
to your taste.
NESSELRODE,
Yes what do you say ?
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 35
DR. BLUFF.
I understand you, Count, to be satisfied that I have a secret mission.
Hey!
NESSELRODE.
I am.
DR. BLUFF.
Well, I am satisfied too, if you are. [Aside.'} I'll humor them all
with a vengeance.
NESSELRODE.
This being at last admitted, I suppose that you can have no longer
any objection to communicate to me, briefly, the outlines of that mission,
so that I may prepare the Emperor to hear it.
DR. BLUFF [ With an assumed air of offended dignity]
I will not tell it to you, Sir. That is precise, and to the point, 1
believe. \_Aside.~\ A very good reason I have for not telling him any-
thing.
NESSELRODE {Sternly.']
That is enough. I shall know how to resent this want of respect.
Well ! Sir, play your game, as you understand it. I shall play mine.
Daughter, follow me.
LODOISKA.
Allow me, father, to say a few words to the Doctor.
NESSELRODE [Abruptly.']
No. [ With a milder Jone.] Yes as you please. [Exit.]
SCENE III. DK. BLUFF, LODOISKA.
LODOISKA [Approaching the Doctor coaxinglyJ]
Doctor, my father, seems to think that you are a dangerous man !
DR. BLUFF [ With an affectation of sternest."]
I am.
LODOISKA.
A very important man !
36 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
I am very important . \_Aside.~] So, at least you all seem to think.
LODOISKA.
Coming here with very dark purposes !
DR. BLUFF.
Dark very dark indeed. [Aside. ~] So dark, that I cannot see through
them myself.
LODOISKA.
Everybody thinks that you have great influence with Count Pahlen.
DR. BLUFF.
Everybody must be right.
LODOISKA.
Dear Doctor, such being the case, will you do me a great favor ?
DR. BLUFF [Smiling lenignantly.]
A favor to you, sweet girl! What favor can I refuse you? But
speak plain. Don't be like those other folks. Tell me something that
I can understand,
LODOISKA.
O yes something very plain which you will understand, and Count
Pahlen too.
DR. BLUFF.
That is right. Well ! What is it '(
LODOISKA.
Just tell Count Pahlen that I entreat him to reject, as soon as possible,
the alliance desired by my father.
DR. BLUFF.
Ay. The message is plain enough: "that you entreat him to
reject the alliance desired by your father."
LODOISKA.
In so many words.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 37
DR. BLUFF. [Aside.]
So young !.... and yet she already deals in politics ! Faith ! It is
not without reason that all the Russian ladies are said to be politicians.
[To Lodoiska] But, my beautiful 'damsel, is it not unnatural thus to
side against your father !
LODOISKA.
I can't help it. My happiness depends on the rejection of that alliance
by Count Pahlen.
DR. BLUFF.
Does it?... Well then I'll make you happy at once by telling you
that Count Pahlen, this very morning, has requested me to inform the
Emperor, that he could not give his assent to such an alliance.
LODOISKA [Clapping Tier hands.]
Oh ! Indeed ! you make me happy, as you say. With your per-
mission, I'll run to tell father all about it and dear Lipinski too, whom
I just met on his way to the Palace, and who looked so dejected.
'[Exit.]
DR. BLUFF.
So the work goes on bravely ! But what kind of work it is I am
not responsible for. That's clear. Now I'll make my way straight
to the Emperor. But here comes Prince Kourakin. I hope he is not
going to plague me too, like the rest of them.
SCENE IV. ENTER PRINCE KOURAKIN.
KOURAKIN.
I have the honor to salute the secret Envoy of the United States.
DR. BLUFF |>i*iVfe.]
Exactly ! The same cap fits them all. [ To Kourakin]- My respects
to Prince Kourakin.
KOURAKIN.
I have been in search of you to tell you, Sir, that I shall be happy
to know from your own lips the views of the Cabinet of Washington,
particularly in relation to the pending struggle. Should you repose
confidence in me, I will, if it be consistent with my duty, avail my-
self of the ear of the Emperor to favor your designs.
38 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
I shall be grateful, Sir, for anything you may deem proper to do for
me. [.4^'Je.] Here is another, fishing for pretended secrets existing
only in his brains !
KOURAKIN [Pointing to seats.]
Pray, Sir, let us be seated. [Aside, with exultation.] He is going
to open himself to me, when that cunning old fox, Nesselrode, could not
get anything out of him. What a triumph ! [ They take seats, and
look at each other in silence, and as if each one expected a communication
from the other. \
KOURAKIN {Getting impatient}
I thought you were saying when I begged you be seated
DR. BLUFF.
I beg your pardon, Prince I was not saying anything.
KOURAKIN.
Then I must have been mistaken. [ With an air of extreme indiffer-
ence^ How did you like your journey to Russia?
DR. BLUFF.
Very much very much indeed. Rather fatiguing, though.
KOURAKIN [Pointedly.]
But now that you are in Russia, I hope that you will find your way
sinoothe and easy and so far as it may depend on me you may
be assured that For instance, I have discovered that you are not in
the good graces of my colleague Nesselrode. He will oppose you near
the Emperor. But should Pahlen, who is already devoted to you, I
know, be backed by me, you need not care for Nesselrode.
DR. BLUFF.
Indeed ! I need not care for Nesselrode !
KOURAKIN.
No. But it is on one condition.
DR. BLUFF.
Ho ! . Ho !
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 39
KOURAKIN.
The condition is, that you will use the great and mysterious influence
you seem to possess over Pahlen, to make him accept the alliance which
is the object of all my wishes. On that condition, I say, I will favor
your mission. You see that I come at once to the point, and that I am
as plain as you like people to be in America.
DR. BLUFF. [Aside.]
You shall have tit for tat. [ To Kourakin. } So, Sir, whether I deny
it or not, you are convinced that I have a diplomatic mission here ?
KOURAKIN.
Nesselrode is convinced of it. That is enough for me.
DR. BLUFF.
You are also convinced of my intimate relations with Count Pahlen 1
KOURAKIN.
Count Pahlen admits them.
DR. BLUFF.
Well ! If he does, I will not contradict him. But let it be under-
stood, that you all assume the responsibility of what may result from
those convictions.
KOURAKIN.
Why all these reserves ?
DR. BLUFF.
Because I tell you frankly, although you are determined not to be-
lieve me, that I don't understand what you are driving at and there-
fore I take ray precautions, not to be caught in a scrape.
KOURAKIN. [Aside.]
What an admirable man ! He beats us all at the game we have
studied all our lives. It is impossible to find him at fault. [ To Dr. Bluff]
But, Doctor, you would not commit yourself very much by using your
influence with Pahlen, to make him favor the alliance
40 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
Which you have at heart. As to that, sir, I can speak understand-
ingly, for Count Pahlen told me this morning, God only knows why,
that he wished me to inform the Emperor, as soon as I got an audience,
that he, Count Pahlen, could not gratify your views as to the alliance
you speak of. A fact, sir and it is the only one of which I assume the
responsibility.
KOURAKIN. [ In a passion and rising.]
Good God ! What do I hear ! And you make to me this announce-
ment, Sir, in this cool deliberate manner !
DR. BLUFF. [Getting excited.]
In what other way did you expect me to announce it crying, or
laughing
KOURAKIN.
And it is thus that you dare to lacerate my feelings !
DR. BLUFF.
I am sorry for it but it is of your own seeking. Everybody, ever
since this morning, seems to think that I am a well, out of which some-
thing is to be pumped. So, gentle folks, pump pump pump away-
You will have what you will have.
KOURAKIN.
I see through it all.
DR. BLUFF.
I am glad you do. For I don't.
KOURAKIN.
Sir, such a determination must be due to your influence on Count
Pahlen. You must be siding in secret with Nesselrode, and his anger
is feigned. Yes- his alliance must have been accepted, and he triumphs
over me. [Fiercely to Dr. Bluff.] You are at the bottom of all this, Sir.
DR. BLUFF.
At the bottom or at the top -just as you please. I say just as you
please* for I am determined to let you all have your own way, since I
can't comprehend what you are about.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 41
KOURAKIN.
Very well, Sir continue the part you have assumed. You act it to
perfection, I must confess, and I compliment you on your remarkable
powers of dissimulation. But I don't choose to dissemble, and I openly
tell you that you have in me an enemy whom you will soon find worthy
of all your attention. Tremble ! {Exit in a huff.]
DR. BLUFF [In a towering rage, and shaking his fist at Kourakin.]
Tremble ! Tremble ! Do you think that you are speaking to one
of your serfs ! I Doctor Bluff a free born American citizen tremble !
Why man, the word is not in the American vocabulary. [Snapping
his fingers] I don't care a pinch of snuff for you all. The broad
shield of my country protects me wherever I go. That you will find out.
SCENE V. ENTER PAHLEN BY A LATEKAL DOOR, AND THE
VISCOUNTESS BY ONE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE.
PAHLEN [To the Viscountess.]
How happy I am to meet you ! A storm is brewing our fate is to be
decided soon. I have just met Kourakin and Nesselrode they are
both in a rage. [Seeing Dr. Bluff'.] Ha ! Doctor, what have you
done ?
DR. BLUFF.
What I have done? [Aside.] Truly I should like to know what
I have been doing ever since this morning, for it seems that I have
been moving heaven and earth.
VISCOUNTESS.
What has he done ?
PAHLEN. [To the Viscountess.]
Instead of breaking open the matter first to the Emperor gradually
and with proper caution he has disclosed it at once to Kourakin and to
Nesselrode, who are both in a great sta|e of excitement, and who will
prejudice the Emperor against me before I can throw myself at his feet,
VISCOUNTESS.
heaven ! Do you know, Doctor, that the Emperor may declare
null and void an engagement that he has not sanctioned that he may
send me back to England and the Count to Siberia
42 DR.. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
PAHLEN.
You ought, my dear Sir, to have felt the ground with the Emperor
before making a full disclosure.
DR. BLUFF.
Not at all not at all. In all difficult cases there is nothing like tak- PAHLEN.
At least, see the Emperor at once.
VISCOUNTESS.
Hasten to show him the earnest appeal to his feelings with which
you are intrusted, before Kourakin and Nesselrode have time to urge
him to take some harsh decision.
DR. BLUFF [ Warming up]
Yes I will do it immediately the more so, that Prince Kourakin
has dared to threaten me me ! A free born American citizen ! Sacred
God ! He has told me to tremble ! I'll see the Emperor I'll complain
of this outrage I'll talk plain to the Emperor. I am not the man to be
afraid of any Emperor, dead or alive, or of all the Kourakins in the
world put together. I am an American citizen every inch of me, from
top to toe.
SCENE VI. LODOISKA AND THE PREECEDING ACTORS.
LODOISKA [Rustiing in.]
O, dear Doctor, how happy I am. Let me shake hands with you.
There... ....to my heart's content. I am indebted to you for it all.
[The Doctor looks bewildered.'] Yes it was a master stroke on your part.
When I delivered your message to father, and told him that Count
Pahlen rejected his alliance, hi drew himself up fiercely, and he said :
" Well, it seems that Kourakin's alliance is prefered to mine. But to
show him my supreme indifference about it, and to convince him that I
had at hand a man whom I like just as much as Pahlen, I give you at
once to Lipinski." And I say, Doctor, this is all due to you. You are
the greatest diplomate in the world.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 43
ALL.
Here is the Emperor ! Here is the Emperor himself !
SCENE VII. ENTER THE EMPEROR.
EMPEROR.
Doctor Bluff, I wish to speak to you in private. [ To the ladies.]
Your presence is much desired in the dancing room. [To Pahlen.]
You, Count, repair to my closet, and wait there for my orders.
VISCOUNTESS.
[In a whisper to Dr. Bluff".] There comes the crisis. Much depends
on you. [Exit with Ladoiska.]
PAHLEN.
[Also in a whisper to the same.] I should tremble, if I had not faith
in your nerves and in your skill. [Exit.]
[ The Emperor paces the room in silence, as if communing with him-
self.]
DOCTOR BLUFF [Aside.]
Really, I begin to be uneasy about these people, of course, not
about myself. There is no Emperor, or King, or Devil whatever, that
an American need fear, as long as he does no harm. He has millions
of freemen for his body-guard ready to avenge his wrongs.
EMPEROR. [Stopping short, abruptly.]
Please to approach, Sir. I have great reproaches to address to you,
DR. BLUFF.
To me? Sire.
EMPEROR.
Your arrival here dates from this morning, and yet, in so short a
time, you have greatly contributed to increase the dissensions already
existing between my Ministers.
DR. BLUFF.
How can it be possible, Sire?
EMPEROR.
Attempt no defence. I know all. It seems, besides, that on Count
Pahlen, with whom you have been long acquainted, you exe'rcise a mys-
terious influence.
44 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
I swear, Sire
EMPEROR.
Don't swear. I know all. You have told Kourakin that Pahlen re-
jects the alliance which the Prince had at heart.
DR. BLUFF.
As to that, Sire, it is true.
EMPEROR.
Good you admit it. You have dealt in the same way with Nessel-
rode.
DR. BLUFF.
I confess it.
EMPEROR.
Good I like your candor. But are you not aware, Sir, that you
have consented to be the channel through which the keenest insult has
been conveyed to two of my oldest and most faithful servants ? Are
you not aware that you have, without hesitation, or any scruple what-
ever, been the cause of planting, perhaps forever, the seeds of discord
and reciprocal hostility in the breasts of men whom I love who are
necessary to me and who, in order the better to serve my interests,
ought always to be on the very best terms with each other ?
DR. BLUFF.
Sire I regret
EMPEROR.
Ah ! You regret, Sir ! And what right had you to meddle with
affairs which concerned you not ? What connection had the alliances
you have contributed to break with the mission with which you may
have been intrusted ] Speak, Sir, speak. What apology have you to
offer me, on behalf of Count Pahlen in particular? You ought to know
his motives,
DR. BLUFF.
Sire all that I can comprehend in all this is, that Count Pahlen is in
favor of a third alliance, and that he has even contracted engagements
to that effect,
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 45
EMPEROR
A third alliance ! Engagements contracted without my consent !
Without even my knowledge ! And it is from you, a perfect stranger
here, that I am to learn, for the first time, that a subject thus fails in the
respect he owes his sovereign ! Wait for me here Sir. I must to my
cabinet, where Count Pahlen expects my orders. [Exit.]
DR. BLUFF. [Alone.]
Now if a pretty explanation does not come out of all this why I
am no longer plain Doctor Bluff and if some evil too comes out of it
for some people, whose fault is it ? Not mine, faith ! Why did they
not explain it all to me from the beginning?
SCENE VIII ENTER VISCOUNTESS, precipitately.
VISCOUNTESS.
Well what news, Doctor
DR. BLUFF.
News ? Bad. The news is that the Emperor has got his steam up .
and is gone to pull the ears of Count Pahlen.
VISCOUNTESS.
Good heavens ! Did you tell him all ?
DR. BLUFF.
I told him that Count Pahlen had his own notions, and had formed an
alliance of his own.
VISCOUNTESS. [In great alarm.]
He may be lost ! He may be under arrest, he may be on his way
to Siberia. I run to throw myself at the feet of the Emperor, and draw
all his anger upon me by assuming the whole responsibility of the fault.
[Exit.]
DR. BLUFF.
Halloo ! Things are coming to a conclusion any how. So much the
better ! I like conclusions. Upon my word this is exciting, and I
begin to feel that I am warming into a fever myself.
46 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
SCENE IX.
NESSELRODE [Hurrying in]
Doctor, I am content. Glad to tell you so.
DR. BLUFF [Aside.]
Ho ! Ho ! Here is a change of tone ! What's in the wind now,
I wonder ?
NESSELRODE.
Yes, Sir I am well pleased with you. Thanks to your energy, to the
promptitude of your decision, and to your manly frankness, everything is
arranged. I am just from the Emperor's cabinet, where a full explana-
tion took place, and I repeat it, I am highly pleased with the course
pursued by you on this occasion.
DR. BLUFF.
Delighted to hear it and thus Count Pahlen accepts your
alliance ?
NESSELRODE.
No ! How can it be ? You know better.
DR. BLUFF [Perplexed.]
True I know better. Then he goes over to Prince Kourakin ?
NESSELRODE.
No ! How can you talk so ? You know it is impossible.
DR. BLUFF.
True, it is impossible I had forgotten.
NESSELRODE.
After all you have succeeded admirably, with all your affectation of
ignorance and bluntness. You are an admirable actor truly a born
diplomate.
DR. BLUFF.
Sir, you do me too much honor.
NESSELRODE.
Not at all ; for you have pleased everybody and that is no common
secret. As to myself, I am fully satisfied with the arrangement, as it
gives Prince Kourakin no advantage over me.
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
DR. BLUFF.
And Prince Kourakin ? is lie equally
NESSELRODE.
Bound to be, my dear Sir how can it be otherwise 1 From the
moment that I got no advantage over him? That was all he wanted.
That's plain.
DR. BLUFF. [Aside.]
Plain to everybody, except to myself.
SCENE X.
PAHLEN [Rushing in.]
Victory! Doctor, victory! Thanks to you, all is known all is ex-
plained.
DR. BLUFF.
I am overjoyed to hear it and so all is explained ? is that a fact ?
a real fact ?
PAHLEN.
To be sure ! How can you doubt it, after what you have done, when
you have conducted every thing ?
DR. BLUFF [Aside.]
Heaven be praised ! Now that all is explained, I shall know what
I have done.
SCENE XI. ENTER THE EMPEROK, VISCOUNTESS, LODOISKA
KOURAKIN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
EMPEROR To [Dr. Bluff.]
Sir, I avail myself with pleasure of this opportunity of testifying
openly my approbation of what you have done. You have shown your
horror of concealment and duplicity, and you have acted on behalf of
your friend Pahlen, as you would have done for yourself with manly
frankness. That is the proper deportment of a gentleman. It is a lesson
which you have given, Sir ; and I hope it may profit some of those who
hear me. Let them know that, for the future, nothing must be concealed
from me* I am above disguise myself and I want no disguise in
those who ought to have claims to my confidence. [ Whilst saying these
48 DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY.
words, he looks around the circle of attendants about him^] I love truth
above all. [ To Dr. Bluff^\ Sir, when you return to your country, let it
be understood there, that the Emperor of all the Russias loves truth just
as much as the President of the United States.
DR. BLUFF.
Sire, these august words shall be repeated. But shall I be permitted
to avail myself of this opportunity, when your Majesty seems so well
disposed, to present the Resolutions of the " Bluffville Peace Associa-
tion ? " [Pulls them out of his coat pocket.]
EMPEROR
Certainly. [ Takes the paper which he hands over to Nesselrode^\
Have charge of them, Nesselrode, and lay them before me, to-morrow,
at the meeting of the Council.
DR. BLUFF.
I hope your Majesty will pardon this interference
EMPEROR.
Pardon ! Sir. There is no need of pardon, when I am glad of what
you call an interference. Peace ? I like the very word ! You, in
particular, have the right to recommend peace, when you have so power-
fully contributed to re-establish concord and harmony around me
among my faithful servants. Nesselrode and Kourakin cannot com-
plain their dignity cannot be wounded now that you have boldly
come out, and made known at once the previous engagements contracted
by Count Pahlen.
DR. BLUFF [Aside.-]
I'll have it published in the New York Herald that if the Russian
Cabinet is a unit, it is due to Dr. Bluff. The allied powers will be in
a rage.
EMPEROR.
And, Sir, I will further add, for your special satisfaction, that I fully
ratify the alliance made by Count Pahlen.
DR. BLUFF [Aside.]
Some great alliance that will change the face of the world ! And
I am the cause of it ! They will receive me with bonfires, illuminations
and processions all over the United States. [ To the Emperor. ~\ Sire,
I will make your magnanimity known from Maine to California*
DR. BLUFF IN RUSSIA A COMEDY. 49
EMPEROR.
Furthermore, Sir to give you an additional proof of my satisfaction,
I wish you to be -the first to know and to inform the President of the
United States, that I Avill sign the treaty in relation to the " Rights of
Neutrals," which your Minister plenipotentiary has laid before me.
DR. BLUFF.
Sire, I cannot sufficiently express to your Majesty how grateful I am
for so many favors.
EMPEROR.
Nay, Sir I will do more to show to the whole world how I appre-
ciate frankness of deportment, plain and honest dealing, and fearless
independence, I will cause to be delivered to you, to-morrow, a com-
munication to the President of the United States, containing in the
most precise and clearest terms, a full recital of all that you have done
here, and I wish it to be recorded as a high testimonial of my esteem
for you. [ To the whole company,] and now let us move on, and join
the Empress, who has been somewhat neglected this evening.
\JFhe Emperor offers his arm to the Viscountess, and the whole train
proceeds to the inner departments.]
DR. BLUFF [Aside.]
Well if I am not a great man, who is Who is to look big, if not
plain Dr. Bluff? I have done wonders that's clear. But what are
those wonders ? That is the question. It is too late for me to ask any
explanation. It would be confessing that I know nothing that I have
done nothing and that I am nobody. No. No that won't do, Doctor
Bluff. All that remains for me to dr>, since my friend the Emperor is
going to explain it all to mv friend the President of the United States*,
is to start for home to-morrow, and learn at Washington what I have
been doing at St. Petersburg
THE END.
The author acknowledges with pleasure that he is indebted for some of his
inspirations to Scribe's Vaudeville: Le Diptomcde.
THE 'BRONZE PEN'
PUBLISHING HOUSE.
, FRANCIS BOUVAIN & CO.
FRANCIS BOUVAIX. WILLIAM II. LE\\ 1^.
i>mm\\ $ tatiaucrg $ tare,
62 IBOTJIR/BOItsr
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" SIGN OP THE BRONZE PEN."
TO BE PUBLISHED SHORTLY,
, GiYARRE'S COMPLETE HISTORY OF LODISI1M.
L
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Notes
- Capuchin A Catholic friar.
Text prepared by:
- Rylee Dynge
- Zachariah Bleichroth
Notes to the next group
- Start proofreading at STOPPED HERE. It's p. 16 in the .pdf.
- Change straight quotes to curly quotes
Cable, George Washington. "Posson Jone'" and Père Raphaël: With a New Word Setting Forth How and Why the Two Tales Are One. Illus. Stanley M. Arthurs. New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1909. Google Books. Web. 27 Feb. 2012. <http://books. google.com/books?id=bzhLAAAAIAAJ>.
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